2006: Life at the crossroads

Another year has come to an end.

To sum up what happened to me in 2006 is a little difficult and it's not easy to say if it was good, bad, or so-so.
There were some months that were some of the worst, maybe not the very worst like the ones in 1999, but they were close to it. Interestingly, those were mainly february and december for me, two months that are very far away from each other on the calendar (if you look at 2006 only). In both of them the reason why life was so hard were relationship problems. But they were everything but ordinary, which makes it problematic to analyze. What I just learned, I guess, is that there are not only religious problems, they can also be connected with cultural differences and lots of misunderstandings when it comes to the mentality of people. It's never the fault of one person, it is just a fact that we need to consider carefully and try to find our way around it if we can.

Even though there were very bad things in 2006 that were worse than bad events in other, more average years, there were still experiences that made 2006 a special year, and even though I'm a little hesitant saying that 2006 was the best year ever, I can at least say that it had the best summer I ever had. The climax of this were the months july and august. They will go into my personal history book as the most amazing event ever. I must thank the person who is responsible for this (and God) that it happened. In a world of uncertainties, the only thing I can really do is be thankful for that. At least that I can say, that it was the best thing that happened to me and that I'm glad I had the chance to feel this. I've been wanting to have this all my life, and every time, on the last day of a year, I said to myself: "Not this year but maybe next year". That chain is stopped, and even though I'm not sure when or if it will ever be so good again, I appreciate that I was given this chance and I hope it showed that it made me happy. And hope that it made someone else happy too.

Now I am at the crossroads. There are different ways to go, there are new learning experiences to apply for next year, there are new plans to make while some plans might or might not be fulfilled. What I need to do is to act wisely and see what I've learned. My lesson this year was that life takes you to the limits when it really starts. And I must acknowledge that some things would not have happened if I had given up at the beginning of the year. I could have said that it's impossible... I didn't and I suppose it was right. This world changes so much and I think it would be wrong to hurry and look for safe solutions just because something looks risky for a moment. And 2006 was full of misunderstandings based on that specific kind of fear or panic.

I am a stubborn little kid. My age hides my weaknesses, but it can't stop them from making life hard. I will need to sacrifice those luxorious character traits because you only get something good when you do your best and throw everything over board that makes you think "It would be easier if... it would be safer if...". I will have to grow up too. I will even have to give up things that I liked about me so far, for example my sense of justice. This world is unfair and if I demand the whole world to change just because I don't want it to be so unfair, I won't get the things I want in life. I cannot change everything, all I need to ask for is that the people I care for understand that it's not fair, that they don't let themselves be terrorized by this, that they at least show me that they are angry too... and then we can see if we can escape from this. Do you know what I mean?

I have this superstition that the odd-numbered years are the ones that are most memorable for either the pain or the pleasure they bring. 2006 was not odd-numbered but it was one of those years. Now I wonder what 2007 will be like. When I look at what's just been happening, I feel a little scared. Perhaps it will be a year of hard work, without success being visible so soon. All I can do is fight now. Maybe it will be a year that's less dramatic, or even not special at all. We will see. I just need to calm down from 2006 because it changed life in a way that it will never be the same for me.

So what's my final judgement? It's hard to say really. To make the best of it I shall always the cherish the good times I had and learn from the bad times, and not make myself believe that I won't be angry again or anything stupid like that. Of course I will be angry too and it will be difficult, but at least I have the advantage that I can take my time for many things. I want to let the year end peacefully here. Goodbye 2006, you will not be forgotten.

Heart or mind decisions

I watched Casino Royale today and it's strange that the love-related scenes are the ones that stick to my memory the most. It feels different from before when I watch movies now. It's been like this for a while but it's also been long since my last visit to a cinema.
What a strange feeling how it touched me, and how I could identify with James. Ha-ha. On the other hand, there was a scene where a woman betrayed her husband with him, and scenes like that make me angry nowadays. Also a very weird change to my life, the way I judge all kinds of love scenes. And it also makes me realize how I feel, coz I tend to use my head a lot and not listen to my feelings very much. I can't allow myself to feel and be vulnerable because there are so many threats and dangers and I already know how it feels to be deeply hurt.

My inner decisions seem to go back and forth most of the time. At one moment, I can be very determined and get the impression that I know how I want things to be, and know how to react to each possible twist that my life can take. As if I can control it and always take logical consequences, in a cold but unhurting way (for me). It's how I know I can keep most of the pain away from myself. And then, there are times when I realize how lost I am in the way my heart feels. Then it tells me to stop worrying and go with everything that happens, and if it ever goes terribly wrong then I could at least say that I stayed strong and didn't end it on my own. The question is just how I want my life to be. I've always been trying to avoid it that I look back and say: "I was too naive". Or that I must admit that I did not think enough about the future, or that I did not realize enough, or that I did not tell others what the consequences will be. Sometimes I think if I don't shut up I make it worse, but then I also notice that, if I don't help to lead people on the right course, they will not notice what's going to happen or might happen. My intentions can still be as good as they want to be, but it doesn't help coz the only control I can have is over my own life.

I don't know how I will react to what is to come, I'm too confused right now. I don't know what will happen, neither do I know how I will act and react. It's also bad that I get this feeling (I've had it for a long time) that I won't get justice and fairness if I'm not strict in some way. People easily take advantage of me and they don't even need to know how, or maybe they think they don't but still do. It's not easy to explain, but maybe you can take the example of electric current. It always goes the way of the least resistance. So if you are in a network of humans, and I'm the one who is nicest to you, treats you the best way and offers you most of the freedom, maybe you will let me suffer from compromises you make with other people or even give in to other people to my disadvantage, just because i'm nice and not so strict and it's the easiest way for you (the least resistance). Difficult to explain. I think I also had this problem at work last school year. I tried to make things so damn right and that's how other people who are careless could make me suffer, coz I played the fool.

I'm done with thinking too much. It's just bad that there's always a next best thing to worry about. I hope things will be clear soon enough. By the way, thanks Aaron for the nice card.

Heaven and Hell (not about religion this time)

The cold that I had seems to have purged and purified me from the madness that had been in me. Suddenly everything is looking better than before. I wrote this damn spanish test and it was not so bad (and not so good either), I got that damn exam behind me, and I had two days off due to the cold.

And then came the change. I felt some good vibrations coming to me, and I could relax while I stayed at home. Then, when I came back to school today, I got a very good grade back for a group presentation. The presentations had been made in four groups consisting of four or five people each. Each of the groups had to appoint a leader, and back then, last friday, they had chosen me because I had just held another presentation right before that. And now, a week later, my group got the best grade out of the four groups, and the teacher, who hardly remembers a name at all, mentioned me and praised me. So you could say I was mentioned as the king of the best group. The king of the class. Haha. The best student of that particular lesson. What a feeling... I took it with humble pride of course...if that kind of state exists anyway.

Really strange for me because it's unexpected. I'm aware of the fact that I'm sometimes to harsh and strict with myself and that I take critisism personally and too seriously. But to go from one extreme to another like this is really unusual. Not that I would complain, but I wonder what this is all about, to feel like the worst at times and then become the best another day. On the way home I already thought "Okay, I'm allowed to feel good now, but what if I fail dramatically the next time?". Coz you see, now I have a reputation as a good presenter, though I hate presenting and I don't call it my strength. And I know I'm not spontaneous enough to always pull off a good presentation... I was lucky too. So I don't know...on the one hand I want to allow myself the feeling of pride, on the other hand I'm a little worried of being stigmatized as a "good presenter" or something like that. Perhaps heavenly success and a hell of a disappointment will come and go.

For now I feel good and I'm writing this to let you know there are good days too. Maybe the next post will be about terrible news again, it wouldn't surprise me... or well, maybe it will just be about the commercialisation of christmas.

Still not over it

I have a cold, and it's the first cold of the new winter season. Hurray.

My physical state gives me a similar feeling to the emotional state I'm in at the moment. Feeling tired all day, feeling like too much pressure is pushing on me. Maybe it's not just the cold alone, I think I can feel this feeling of being pushed into one corner again.

On tuesday I had a presentation on Marit Larsen. I was satisfied that day coz I did well, and I also accomplished the mission of making her known here, something that is in some way a goal of many Marit fans. Not my personal goal but people would like the idea. On friday I had another presentation, it was about the human resources department. After that I had to do more presenting, so it was a busy day and I was satisfied with myself... at least for one end of the day.

The weekend brought back other worries and it seems that there is never a time with too few things to worry about. I cannot motivate myself to do more than necessary for school, the sickness helps to stop doing anything, and then there is always more. My self confidence suffers from small things already, I'm really not that satisfied with life and another feeling is that everyhing is slipping away so quickly.

There are times when I wish I had a button to stop time. Every person would stand still and nothing would move or change. Then I could lose weight, write songs, do anything that needs catching up and I'd return to society as one who has left behind his personal problems. Only for a while so at least I fixed my own life before I can help other people or do things that are for more than surviving.

When I write here it's only for complaining, isn't it? Well, there are days when everything is nice, but strangely it's only single days, one day at a time, and never more. When I think of more, it gets too much. I can't afford to deal with so many things.

I know myself well. I can estimate how bad things are with me. I know that my problems are not that big, but if I get too much pressure then I can't deal with it. It has to stop... I need to sort everything out first. I can't do everything at the same time. And if it's too much then I can't do anything at all. My only aim now is to reach the winter holidays without any damage to my life, career, relationship or anything like that. No damage, just keeping things the way they are. No improvements or big innovations, just keeping it the way they are and reaching the point where I can rest from everything. It really isn't bad if people stop pushing.

My self confidence is still low, and that shows that a success over something that broke the self confidence doesn't automatically rewind and undo things. On the other hand I know that it's not that bad just if, if, if I get the time I need to fix everything. There can't be that many exams at the same time, not that many presentations. There are not that many subjects and not that many weeks until the next holidays, not that many months until it's over. It's not that long until I have time for you, any of you, all of you, one of you at a time.

I only need the security that it's okay if I deal with myself from time to time and not need to take care of everything.

Smashed to pieces

There are some things I need to let out, and I don't know how I can express it all. But I will demonstrate how I feel with this conversation I had with myself:

-"Guess what I dreamed!"
-"What?"
-"I had a nightmare that my presentation was so bad that I was told to make another presentation in two weeks exactly".
-"Wow, that's really a weird nightmare".
-"You know what's the worst part of it?"
-"What is it?"
-"It's not a dream".

The strange thing is how things went wrong. It was not that my presentation was too short, or that it didn't answer the topic. It did well and my teacher said I had lots of information in it, explained things well, kept the audience alive. But still, no matter how you turn it around, I was critizised too (my teacher: "take it in a postive way"). My presentation took almost 30 minutes, compared to the 10 minutes that it was supposed to take. I wrote things on the board (as I was supposed to, something the teacher had said before would be going to be important), but I turned my back on the audience for too long and didn't talk to them directly enough. The comments I made were liked by some people and disliked by others. I notice that I didn't convince anyone of my skills.

So much for the facts. Now comes the emotional level. How can I not feel deeply depressed now? The presentation had already caused a crisis in me before I held it. I was busy with work, I was nervous, I was frustrated about not being able to do other pieces of homework, I got the feeling that everything was going to be too much for me. I lost much of my self confidence. And now the only thing I get from presenting today is another terrible disappointment for me. Indeed, I don't have to make the same presentation again, no. And the presentation I have to make won't be as deep as the one before. But the fact that I have to present another presentation makes me feel rejected. As if I failed. Failed, failed, failed.

I did not expect this presentation to be the best thing in the world. But I was aiming high. The person who had presented before me (one week ago) had not been that good either, and I was sure that I could do better. Instead I got the ultimate punishment. I'm not mad at the teacher, I'm only disappointed at myself for losing another fight for my self confidence. My fear was that I would not have enough to mention during the presentation, instead the minutes passed and passed and before I noticed it, it was already past 25 minutes of presenting.

How do I go on from here? I feel humiliated. It's not only my personal disappointment, also that this is what I've been told to do. Another presentation. I need to stand in front of them again in two weeks, while still having homework to do in other subjects. I will -again- become nervous and feel threatened when the day of presenting comes closer. To be honest, I wish I could run away...not take part...or just die. Die because there's no other way virtually. This is not a job that I can quit and go somewhere else. No...this is a job training. If I don't succeed, I can look for another job trainig. That would take years again. And I don't want that. No!

I thought to myself "The worst thing that can happen is that I get slightly critizised". I thought, maybe it will not be the perfect presentation but at least I have it behind me then. And what happens? Something totally unexpected. To me, the one who always expects the worst. I don't have it behind me, I won't get a rest from it. And you know what? When the next presentation is over, other teachers will already come up and ask for presentations in their subjects too.

I hoped today would put an end to my depression, because that's how I felt in the last days. When there was something to smile about, I regretted that because I felt like I'm not allowed to smile. I only wanted to put this presentation to the past, concentrate on the stupid homework and breathe a little. But now I can't and I'm in serious trouble. And where is the success? Where is the success experience I needed to build up my self confidence again? I feel like a loser now, even worse than before. I won't get my self confidence back so quickly. And before you think anything useless, don't think the next presentation would give me self confidence. It won't. Even if it's the best presentation in the world, I will carry the shadow behind me of the disappointment from today. I don't want to step in front of these people again like saying "look at me, I already presented but I was too bad so here I am again".

Looks like my year is going to end in tears. I wish I could cry but I obviously didn't feel enough humiliation and disappointment yet. I can already sense the fear of new tragedies. I don't know what happens next but I don't feel good at all. On the one hand I look for help, for understanding, for being taken care of. On the other hand I feel like I need to hide from everyone and that I don't want to talk to anyone coz I would only become aggressive and say the wrong things. I'm so trapped now...I can only wait until the weekend is finally there (as if it would make me feel safe...no way).

When I came to this school, I was filled with so much hope and strength. I was surprised how easy it was for me to say something in class, to take part in the lessons, to do well. And now that's all smashed and shattered again. I see myself pulling back from discussions, I see myself being tired and exhausted, just sitting there in such an absent way. And I'm afraid because so much depends on this one year of school (I already give up going to school for longer than that).

That's how it feels now...and I don't know if you can understand. Imagine you only have one chance but things are always getting worse and you don't have the energy any more to push yourself. If you know my story of life then you know why I give up more easily.

The decay of values

Almost winter...

It snowed today for the first time this year, at least in my area. And Halloween was recently too. I know some people like the new customs that have been coming up here in europe (Desi) but I'm against it. My english teacher described it in the best way: "Halloween is how the Americans teach their children how capitalism works".

It used to be a day of remembering the dead, now it's just another commercial holiday just like valentine's day (i don't need to explain what i think about that day,do i?). The only thing I like about Halloween is the horror movies that they don't seem to show so much any more, instead it's rather family entertainment. But I do like pumpkin soup.

Speaking of tv, that's the next thing I want to complain about. It's fascinating how decadent this society is. I just watched tv, some infotainment show that's supposed to inform people about science, nature and all that stuff. And what did they show this time, between 7 and 8pm? Well... a very half-true report on the female orgasm. And no, it was not that much scientific. It was disgusting. All the time they had this camera view going through keyhole,then there was something that I would call a sex scene (not the toughest stuff but not what I would want my kids to watch either), then came something pseudo-scientific, then the next keyhole scene. My goodness, what has this world become. It was quarter past 7 in the evening.

What else can I complain about? There can be many things, I guess. Mostly it's how terribly fast everything is falling apart. The moral on tv, the german language, human values... crazy. My mum's pedicurist lately told her some horror stories too. One about a cat he had to kill because half it's body had been smashed in a car accident. The other one was more gruesome. A couple in his family had aborted a child because her husband had said he didn't want a third child, then she felt guilty and woops, now she's pregnant again. Let me recapulate: A couple has two children, they don't give the slightest shit about prevention, she becomes pregnant, gets her unborn child removed, feels guilty and then, probably on purpose, gets pregnant again to replace the child that spooks around in her mind because she killed it. I'm not one of the people who are as fundamental as to say that abortion is murder, but in some cases I just think: I'm worried about the future of this planet. If people are so free of intelligence, so free of common sense, then what must their parents have done wrong? More importantly: What's the next generation going to be like? Will most crimes become normal because there's no one who cares any more? Is everything okay then?

I'm lucky if I don't need to see that happen. I don't expect the generation after me to move away from their seats on a bus when an old man like me comes and needs a seat urgently. I don't expect them to be nice to me either. But I have to expect much more than I can imagine. One of the reasons why young people nowadays should seriously think about education before they get kids...coz the society doesn't contribute much to a good character. It's either the parents or no one at all.

I could go on and on. Some things in this world are ridiculous. Religion could be one of them, but I guess it won't help me if I think about this again. I have my opinion and I don't think that I have to be ashamed of it. And the other things... well, many people will think that I exaggerate. Maybe I do, but what I do primarily is to scetch a picture of how the world behaves...it's not totally accurate but you might realize how close it gets when you are the one who's affected.

A matter of faith

Update time again...

First let's try if this works...I mentioned a blog I would be working on, so I'll just mention the link here. Check THIS

Hm...it's a strange life. The things I'm running away from, they keep coming. I can't watch a comedy show on tv without being painfully reminded of religion. I can't search the internet for a song without another religious term showing up on the screen. And I can't seem to stop encountering people who insist on their own ideas and act as if everything was normal...as if it was not them who are individual, no, instead the entire rest of the world is wrong. Too many people are like that.

I don't even want to think about that any more, but as it seems, I can't cover my ears, close my eyes and sing a song to myself. The topic still comes back, no matter what I do. What sucks is that I only have one life to find my answers. If it was only my answers, that might be bearable. But things are so much more complicated and anything I do can drive me more into being lost and doomed.

Other questions come back too. What would have been if...if I had not been thrown off the horse (metaphorically) some years ago. Where would I be now. Maybe somewhere I would like to be. At the moment I would like to leave this house with its crazy inhabitants. I'm sick of my mum and my bro. This negativeness, this permanent nagging, this neverending pessimism, "terrible", "horrible", "gruesome". And the permanent feeling that I'm a loser. When I look at myself and my relationship towards family members, I feel like every person on earth could take advantage of me if they only wanted too...especially the ones who might mean something to me. Perhaps they all will. Who knows... I only know I'm not good at defending myself. I will always collapse to something, whether it's the dependence towards a person or the fact that I can sacrifice so much before it's too much for my humble demands.

There are these days when you look at life from a different angle. You ask yourself "Are these things happening because I'm a weak person? Do I not notice how far they can get only because I'm that way?". I wonder about many things. The things that I usually don't see as defeats, they suddenly do appear as defeats. As if everytime I said "yes" I didn't mean it, but someone takes advantage of me because I can't do without them.

I learned today that I'm ashamed of my roots in some way. Some things I got from my parents, grandparents, and so on. The way they raised these things into me, the way I was born with these character traits. Uncertainty, fear, dependence, idleness, control-freakiness...

I looked at some old pictures today of when I was younger. Some from when I was perhaps 10, some of when I was maybe 15. I always had a serious, stubborn, almost offended kind of expression in my face. On the one hand it gives me hope, because that how a rat looks that bites its way through all of life's problems, someone who rebels against the unfairness. On the other hand, I feel like I'm destined to be the unwanted, evil one who nobody understands and who doesn't understand anyone.

As long as I'm in doubts I still identify with myself...then I know that I'm still me. But it feels very hopeless to believe that I will be judged one day...all alone,without the help of anyone.

Hobby-searching

Fascinating how we wonder and think about some things, and then we find out new facts about life. I just realized it's really true that hobbies and happiness are linked. It's 8pm now and some years ago I would have made some music at that time of the day, as the last action before I went to bed. At the moment I don't feel like it any more, though I sometimes make music, but it has become a more depressed kind of making music...more as in "I need to feel good about myself so, heck, get out of my mind and into the recording program, you stupid piece of music". I need to force it out of myself. But I can't think of good songs. Nowadays school is stressful and I don't find time for a hobby any more. Music is a weekend activity and it takes a lot of time, mostly to get the feeling that you -have- time, rather than having the time itself. Then there is cooking. It used to be a hobby too. But I don't feel like I have time for looking up new recipes. Cooking is only for surviving now. Sports takes time and motivation, and can hardly be called a hobby for me.

I am empty, only made for working, or so it seems. I can't even appreciate the good things any more, and that is a bad sign. It has only been two weeks of school and I already feel very much under pressure, strangely at home and not so much during school itself. And I keep telling myself to appreciate what I have. I really keep telling myself to do it. But I can't, it just fades away and I rather play more video games, fall asleep more quickly, watch tv rather. Anything. I just keep pushing the minutes and hours further and further away from me. Not standing still.

I thought about reading a book again, but I already feel confused by having bought so many books for school. It feels like I don't have the right to read a book in private,coz instead I'm suposed to learn spanish, to read business books, to learn. How can I read a book for mere pleasure? I know I could, I know I deserve it, but I don't get the feeling that I seize my time correctly.

A hobby is an essential part of feeling balanced. The keys to happiness are fulfillment in everyday life, spiritual peace, security, health...and lots of other things I can't mention. Haha. Damn...I'm too old for this philosophying shit.

~toodles~

Is it just me or is it everyone else?

I notice how I have learned a lot of things in the last months. There used to be a black-and-white thinking. After all I still think that I can be stubborn with my views. When I think I'm right, I will insist I am right. And sometimes the only way of me changing my mind is by somehow resigning,in accepting that some things can't be changed.

I saw a documentary on tv recently,it was about women and their choice between career and children. Interesting how different it is from country to country. It made me think about my own perspective, about my opinion on education and also about kids as such. Suddenly I realized that, for example, children just scream sometimes and you can't do anything about it. I used to think that you are just a bad parent if you can't make your children stop crying on a bus or train. Or that you are just not strict enough, or just too weak. It changed now. You can't train them like dogs. I still think you need to be careful because there's still a chance of being a loser as a parent if you don't be careful.
And though I saw this documentary, I still remember not to become sentimental. I can't pretend that watching the children on tv doesn't open up my feelings. Even I can sense something when I watch them play,see them smile and laugh. But there's a bigger responsibility to it. They will grow up one day. In so many ways I keep thinking that I want to spare them going through the same things I went through. That's what I focus on everytime I ask myself if I want kids one day.

It goes for other things too,changing my opinion. I used to be idealistic but I realized that the only difference between idealism and opportunism is the chances you get offered. You can be idealistic and believe in your principles,but when suddenly you are being confronted with a new situation,you might only go with what feels best,and leave behind something else that is a great value,but only slightly less important for you. I'm beginning to understand that I'm not as good as a person as I thought I would be. I used to think that I would not do certain things for certain reasons. Now I know I would. And you know, it starts slowly. The first time you cheat at school is already the first time you follow your interests more than your values. I think that a lot of people do that,even without knowing. And to come back to the example above, it's a crime when it happens between parents and children. When parents use their children as instruments for their own wishes and views. Maybe it's even the worst thing that a person can do. I want to prevent that from happening.

It's very strange how I can feel cursed with my opinion about the world. Sometimes it feels like I would rather be anyone else,even someone stupid who is at least happy. On other times I feel blessed to be myself. As if I'm the only person in this world who can think in a free way. It's a strange,strange feeling...but nobody owns the whole truth,not even me. But an open mind is a good prerequisite.

When I talk of stupid people then I mean people with a very limited horizon. A perfect example would be the stupid farmer who only cares about his acres,believes in one god he knows from stories of his grandfather, has a wife that goes with the well known,old role model of standing in the kitchen,and everything else is just simple. You see,sometimes I feel like literally everyone in my everyday life is like that, and I'm the only person who thinks different. I hear them talk about their free time: dancing,going to a club, riding horses. I hear them talk about relationships: Trouble with the boyfriend,he doesn't call, no time this weekend. They talk about religion: Believing in some god, doesn't matter what happens, will be okay somehow. Yeah, they have vague ideas...why am I the one who thinks so much about all this then? Why is it not simple for me? Does everyone produce kids and step into and out of this world without a care?

We will never know...

M2M day

September 22nd sunday 25 after 9

This is a quote from a song by M2M. A band that didn't know when they wrote that song that they would break up on exactly that day,some years later. But let's not deal with the breakup that was exactly 4 years ago. What makes M2M day special is the memory of the band M2M and not the memory of their end (that led to them being reborn as solo artists,which had its advantages too). M2M changed my life and I think I've said that before. Sometimes I wonder how I should feel when i think of them. Should I be thankful to them? Maybe I should because they made many sweet moments possible for me. But then again, they don't even know what they did,neither did they intend it to happen. And perhaps they were just destiny's little tool to make miracles happen. Whatever the truth is,fact is it's because of them that so much happened in my life.

What some of you,the ones who know me, don't know is that I had a strong feeling about M2M from the beginning. This is not me making things up. I don't have supernatural powers and can't predict the future,like some people can, but with M2M I always had a strange feeling. I was fascinated by them and it was more than the music itself. I always had this feeling that they would somehow make a difference for me. It gives me chills to follow the traces back...back to 1999 when i found out about them. I can still see the pictures on the tv screen back at my grandpa's place. I don't think that was the first time,maybe it was even the second time. I don't know...but when their first hit single was presented their only for some seconds, I thought "It's them...they are recommending their song on tv". It's strange that I remember this so clearly. And what it brought me was hard to believe. So much happened between 1999 and now,and I want to lay it out for you to read:

1999 was the end of the worst time of my life. And strangely it was just then,after this bad time,that M2M appeared on the stage of my life. August had been the worst time ever,and then i just stopped all this and escaped to meet my grandpa and dad. Maybe it was september,maybe october 1999. Around that time "Don't say you love me" became popular around the world. But not here in germany...the fact that i even learned about M2M in the first place is already a little miracle. But the first thing they changed in my life was to inspire me with their sweet, harmonic music.

In 2000 and 2001, I had them at the back of my mind. Once in a while they appeared in my head, and after buying the Pokemon soundtrack that featured their most famous song, I decided to invest more into M2M and buy their CDs. I also spend time at Marit's board reading her diary. They kept inspiring me somehow.

2002. The breakup. It was strange how it ended so soon. Anyway, I remember that I must have bought "The big room" around that time. It was a different kind of music but after some time,i discovered the sweetness. It was also the year when i started recording songs in a studio. And M2M made it possible to arouse the dream in me of making music. It wasn't M2M's music as such,it was more the magic in it.

In 2003 I made the big step into Marit's board as I first chatted in her chatroom,then registered at the boards in early 2004. I didn't know back then that all I could ever ask for would happen there...in this digital place. I spend a lot of time in 2004 and 2005 reading, posting, checking back. And I made so many friends there. Some of them would still be there years later, and it wasn't just friendship sometimes.

2005 was a year that will always be strange history for me. First I found out that falling in love with someone from the internet can be risky and hurt a lot,though i appreciated the experience,but then,at a second attempt, it worked. And it was someone i met at Marit's board. Things started to make sense,and I understood why M2M had been so meaningful to me. Another crazy thing happened. After many months of planning, I decided to go to norway where M2M are from. My first plan was to go there, find Marit somehow with tricks and lots of not-so-nice methods, and if i didn't succeed,I'd just live with it and enjoy being in a beautiful country. Then it seemed like hope was lost,but a few days before the trip I met Marit in her chatroom. Strangely,it was only around that time that she finally got interested in visiting her chatroom. I had waited to talk to her for so long. She liked the idea of meeting me, something not every celebrity would do. So we made an appointment and met. So just for the record: I met my biggest idol. One of the things that connect me to M2M.

2006 was in some way more crazy,because now it was time to meet the love I had found at Marit's board. I did,and many of you (who reads this anyway?) know the rest. It worked. I'm not saying that the story is over here and that my life will be a fairytale. But I can only say up to now it's a story that you usually wouldn't even hear from hollywood writers. And as the tip of the iceberg, they played an M2M song when I met her,my girl. What a coincidence. But coincidence is not the word anyway.

This is the story as short as possible. I wouldn't be mad at you if you didn't believe me this all happened. I don't believe it either. But since that happened, I know that this world is not made up of coincidences,accidents,or gas clouds forming a planet out of nothingness. At least not without something going on somewhere. There are powers that we don't understand. And even though it goes much further than we know, this little band,this duo of two girls, this little tool of destiny will be my small reminder that we are not totally "alone" with our life.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been born in a war country. I ask myself why things are so different there. What are the miracles that happen to them? Not being hit by a bomb? Just escaping death? Is that what they call miracles? What stories do they have to tell and why are they unlucky compared to me? Questions over questions. And then it comes back to me, why is it so open...why can anything happen to anyone?

I don't believe that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. These children out there are all innocent. So why am I lucky? Where will my luck end? I could ask forever.

What's left to me is to look back. I don't need to be nostalgic,you know. There is nothing to feel sorry about for me. Yes, M2M is over but we have the result of their work here. We have friends,lovers, precious memories we can't buy for any money in the world. That's only possible in movies where you can make a virtual trip to Mars.

Good luck to you, girls. You made my life, i guess.

Not angry...

On monday a new chapter in my life starts. I can't decide whether to feel scared,hopeful or just normal. So much depends on it and I don't know if i have what it takes.

Life went up and down lately. There are moments when many things are good,and other moments when all it takes is the change of perspective and suddenly it's not so good any more. And all because of the fact that I can't protect myself with a thing called faith.

If I knew that something was clearly wrong, I could see what consequences I draw from it. If i knew it was okay completely, I could restrict all worries from me. But I don't know if it's right. I only know it means a lot to me. But can I bring that up as an argument one day? That it felt good?

Today I somehow took another step of giving up to worry because I worried all my life. I will not stop worrying completely. But I want to stop thinking about things that don't even deal with this life. The only other worry that comes up is that i could hurt other people. Special people. I want to be honest and say how I feel,just for their information. And then again, i might go too far. I don't deny it: It's sad to notice how my mind thinks...always so negative...i know.

It's not as if I didn't notice good things. I love to live life the least complicated way. I love to love and be loved. I love to not think too much. I love all these things but I'm not sure if I'm made for this...just because I can't stop asking what it's all about. I'm afraid to screw it up.

I'm okay...yes I am. It's just such a load to carry around these thoughts,enormous thoughts and feelings. I try to change the way of thinking and take everything as it comes,but i have to let the load of thoughts go somewhere...and I need them to be heard. That's the reason why they sometimes explode out of me. But that's not me being angry. Not this time...

September,month of the thinker

Hello people,

I didn't find the inspiration to really write about my time in Singapore that much. I didn't write about what it's like to think about this afterwards...let me just say that i sometimes wish i could turn back time. It used to be so uncomplicated to be there...a different life and a different feeling to it.

I thought that things would change for me after coming back. That I wouldn't have to ask certain questions any more and that some issues would rest. But I'm coming back to an old rhythm of good,normal and crisis times. And when I don't get any answers,the thinking maching in my head keeps rolling,turning,jumping and smoking. I've come to the conclusion that I'm paranoid. And again terribly afraid of some things.

Sometimes I wonder how it's even possible for people around me. I'm talking of my countrymen because I know their mentality and their sense in religion. Apart from the people that are really religious,there are two groups. Those who kept some basics of their faith and just live it in a very liberal,broad and free-of-obligations kind of way. And those who gave up all of it and refuse to believe anything at all. What I wonder about is, how do these people find together,how do they get into romantic relationships? Is their way of believing so common,so narrow and shallow, so simple that there are no conflicts with each other? Or is it that they don't deal with the topic, either accepting that everyone has to find their own way or even believing that the relationship is only for this life? When I look at myself, I get the feeling that religion is the first and most important thing that has to "fit" before anything works.

And that's hard to make happen...to make it fit. There's such a weird diversity in my thinking. One day I'm a hopeful believer and feel like i have some faith,the next day I feel doomed, another day i wonder what's true anyway and if it isn't all made up maybe...at least to some point. You know...to be like this makes you very isolated and lonely. I don't have any fellows, the only people i could call fellows in faith are like headless zombies walking on earth to find a meaning,and yet all of them are different from me coz there's no way to put all scepticals and agnostics into one drawer.

Sometimes I even envy the people with a limited mind. The farmers, the bus drivers, the old ladies that complain about the weather. The people who don't worry about the world and it's pain. Just their few square meters of living space. And I also envy those who can believe in something and don't even need to come up with explanations...just pure believing even if it may seem ridiculous and pointless. Scary to me but at the same time...fascinating. Coz I can hardly imagine what it's like to be indoctrinated so much religion. Can't imagine how strong it must be so you believe whatever you are being told...and never start doubting.

I feel strange...because I don't know of any other 23 year olds that do things like i do...walking in a circle on a field outside,just talking to myself about religion. It doesn't seem to me that I'm psychotic, and i know i can't be the only one who does that,it would be too unique. But I know that it's not very normal either. Well...it's my curse.

It happened in Oslo,it happened a year ago

Another date to remember and again it has been exactly one year. While I write this,right now, i remember that one year ago,exactly at this time of the day that it is now in norway, I sat in the lobby of my hotel waiting for Marit. It's strange and crazy. One year ago all this happened. I met my biggest idol. And how she stood there all of a sudden,it's just a fading picture but still something impressive...

And you know...I think back then I already thought about something else. And I didn't know back then that this something would be taking place one year after this...but i think i thought about this,at least at the back of my mind...even on that night,hundreds of nights away from now. Perhaps I thought that,maybe on that day in one year,i would walk around with someone who means even more to me.

And so it happened. It was a day filled with history. We went to a place where She, my special someone, also met that Marit. Weird to go to a place like that,exactly one year after meeting that person.

Now I find myself thinking about today and the future. What was yesterday is one year ago,and in one year it will be two years ago. What happened today will be history tomorrow. I wonder where I see myself in one year and how I will feel about all this...

I thought that maybe i could write down my impressions so far about being with my special someone. But something is still not settled and that's what keeps me waiting. I want to know that I don't have to worry so much...but yeah,so far so good. I really hope for mercy from heaven...coz i know it all happened for a reason and i don't want to go through crazy challenges just because it feels good and it's the best thing ever. It can still be good and i want to make it work,and not always face the best and the worst together.

Enough about talking in mysteries...it's just weird...

More than just a feeling

It's 4:30 in the morning. One hour ago I went outside because I couldn't sleep any more. I needed it,going out to my special place. A place I have been going to since years ago. It has always been the place where I thought about my life. Lots of thoughts came to life there, and when I was there I always felt that this is where I reflect over everything,and it's like a kind of diary because I let all the thoughts out there and they can come back when I'm there again.

I felt a big burden on my shoulders. And I'm not exactly sure why I had to cry two times when I was there. To some extent it has to do with the stress and anger of my everyday life. And to some point it also has to do with the worry i had since last night. But it's always about a little more than just that too. If it was only about current problems,then there would always be something to fall back on. To me, it's always about life itself...and what to believe in. I also prayed two times.

I don't know why He chose to let things go this way. Is everything going to be alright in the end anyway? Perhaps He just wants to show me that my faith and love for this relationship is strong and more than just what has to do with feelings. But then I also wonder,why does this take me somewhere new while my family and everything that has to do with my old life drags me back to where i came from? Why does this all happen? And how do I know I will be on the right track?

Many questions came up. But it wasn't about that because I knew right then and right there that I won't be given the answers. Some people say "give me a sign". Well, you can imagine that He won't make it that easy for us. Life is more complicated than that and perhaps this is one of the things we will never understand. Why we worry,suffer and fight,and suddenly,after a long journey,we notice why it was so mysterious. Then we get the answers.

It was not necessary to have any questions answered. And just because I asked questions doesn't mean that I have come back from my place in the woods to be desperate. I'm not. All I needed was to talk to Him in the most honest way there is. I mentioned my feelings and how I can't let go,but that I need certain things at the same time. And it was necessary to cry it all out like that. It may be pathetic when you imagine other people in my age who don't run around at night to cry their heart out. But it was the best thing i could do.

What is left...I've gotten rid of pressure. What felt in the way before doesn't seem to be in the way that much any more. Some things about life you can control,some you can't and some you have to leave to others you can control them for you. As long as someone who is in favor of you is in control,just stand behind this person and everything should be okay. I don't want to doubt any more. I'm ready to face whatever will come,and just because i can't predict the future doesn't mean that i can't say "I'm with you" now. Decisions are never made for good. A decision is something you make all the time. It doesn't mean that you take it back from one second to the next,that's not what it's all about. Right now I make the decision to follow this and to trust it to become good...I'll see where it takes me.

Thanks to everyone and everything that helps me carry this weight.

Please please come true

Only a couple of days until I leave for Singapore. I will stay there for 4 weeks so don't expect any updates. I come back on august 20th and no matter what happens, I will be wiser. For all of you who know what this is really about: Yes, I am nervous. There is no way of knowing what will happen,what will go right or wrong. Guarantees don't exist,but I can tell that I prepared myself (and her) for everything I could. There are obstacles that I can't see, but even that is "part of the plan". To deal with what comes and not to let anything take us by surprise. If all goes well until I go back home, there are new challenges ahead and it's not the end of the journey. Not sure what it means to you to say "Can online relationships work". I suppose what you mean is that it only takes the people involved to fall in love like a real couple. Maybe that will happen and then you know it can work. But at the same time, there are more things to know. It's much more complicated and one reason why internet relationships have a bad reputation might be that you face problems that other couples don't face. Differences in culture,religion, behaviour. Questions about the future,who will take over which part, who will carry which kind of responsibility. But you know what? It doesn't matter right now. What I know is that I'm prepared. I am a perfectionist,yet a human being. But still, I can feel it when I'm satisfied about a development. Yes,it's true: I might forget about one very important aspect. If this was a mathematical problem to be solved,then maybe it would go wrong coz i didn't calculate a certain factor of it. But it's a little different. You can't plan everything and all I did was to make sure I do enough,say enough, think enough to get this feeling...the feeling that I, the perfectionist, has done enough preparation.

In some weeks you will know more. We all will. I can sense worries and hopes equally. I'm not sure if I will read this entry again. But I know that if I read it again, I don't want to look back and think "Oh,how naive i was". I'm letting you all know that I know this is not easy. But I take the risk and i've done something like this before. Booking a trip before you know if you can achieve your dream goal. Last time it did work. This time what's on the line is more than before. But I believe it's possibile. Not because I'm naive...I don't think I am. I just believe this can happen because it happened before,only because I told myself that you can never know...you can never exclude the chance that it works. Do all the best you can do on your part,and hope that everyone else who is involved will give their best too.

One year and counting...

Tomorrow I celebrate my anniversary with my special someone. 12 months in a relationship that was different and still full of the things that are typical for a relationship.

But still it's only the beginning,coz there are things that didn't happen yet that happen in 99% of all other relationships. If you are someone who knows about this relationship,then you can guess why. Well, i think it's already a success to make such a relationship work for one year. Many relationships like these end pretty soon because it turns out there is no perspective for the couple. No plan,no idea who does what. Luckily it's different here and we knew from the beginning that we would want to reach some step within a year. We did,but we also did more because we tackled problems that would have come up later anyway. And i think we did well.

Nevertheless, I notice by the way I feel that it was time to reach "this step". There's a point when you need new energy,you just want to see where the relationship is going,so you need to find out if it's worth it. And that's not meant in a bad way,coz you know that you'll not hesitate to go on if things feel right.

Tonight I realize again how quickly a year passes. Though it was less quick than usual in my eyes. I remember the weeks and weeks of work, the seasons and how they changed,the endless waiting and praying that time may finally pass. And I'm not that much blown away that "this step" is being reached very soon. It didn't come that fast,but i'll be nervous pretty soon...but not too nervous maybe,coz it's more about finding out some things instead of getting the ultimate experience.

One thing is for sure. My special someone did a great job and i'm proud of her. If I'm just safe around her, I won't let small things get in the way. She is a good girl,a very good girl. And she's one of the reasons why i sometimes wonder why i'm so lucky. I wish she knew how good she really is for me...but I could let her know. Soon it's teddy bear-time ;)

Deeeeuuutschlaaaaand

Germany defeated Argentina in the world cup today. Luckily. It was our first win against one of the top teams in 6 years. So that made my day and we proceed to the semi-finals and even if we lose there (which i don't hope) we would have another match for 3rd place after that at least. So we will be present during almost all the world cup that takes place here,in germany.

If you're not from a country like this that loves football (or soccer,but "football" only fits to this sport literally and not to american football,coz it's not that much about feet) then you can't imagine what it was like today. I drove somewhere today and it was crazy on the streets. The cars were honking,people were screaming, waving, and we all gave these kinds of signs to each other in total happiness...stranger to stranger. Suddenly we were not ordinary people. We were one people,one country. That was impressive. It was like the kids,the old people and the average women and men were suddenly a big family. But what had been there before was 120 minutes of nerve-wrecking action and a crazy end to it. You hardly get to feel this way. As if everything depends on what happens right now...and it's only your team,nothing personal. But you feel as if it was about your life.

I think that was a good distraction for me. The last days were strange. My mood changed a lot,and what added to it was that some people at work stoked my hate for someone by pointing out how i had been taken advantage of. Weird coz i didn't think that way.
Other things occupy my mind too. But I try to not overdramatize it though sometimes it hurts a little. I would just like to sort things out with who's very important for me and not make everything worse by putting secret messages,doubts and all that into it. I just want to know "this is it,this is how i/you feel" and then i can handle it. It's only half as bad if we just...talk.

Die Welt zu Gast bei Freunden

The world cup started a few days ago. In my country. Something I need to appreciate,because the next time a world cup will be where i live,I will either have kids and be married,or I'll be dead,or who knows. I'll just watch all the matches if i can and enjoy the presence of the mexican people in my city,coz that's where the mexican team will stay when they need to prepare for the games.
A strange feeling to know everyone is watching us. Usually everybody is talking about other countries because their lifestyle is more significant (france,italy) or they are more beautiful (norway,switzerland) or have more beautiful beaches (warm countries). And germany...hm... we're only on the news when it's about political things I imagine. Or I don't know...maybe when a german sportsmen does well. I'll just enjoy being in the spotlight (as a country,not a person). I know that this will pass so quickly,like all the things that are good and somehow pass so fast. And one day you will only talk about a "world cup 2006" as history. And the hype will die away. Too bad. But who cares about Mexico 86 and Maradona any more? See. He's nothing more than a familiar face sitting on a seat during a match. A little fatter than you remember him from his games,but still alive. "Oh yeah...him...wasn't there something about him on the news the other day?". Like that. The show must go on.

The connection between suffering and luck

I think I know why I am more lucky than other people. Perhaps I'm so lucky because I can't say 'no' when I found something to go for. Maybe I'm so infatuated into my ideas and ideals of life that I go to extremes,until it totally hurts. Maybe I am so idealistic that it sometimes gets me the luckiness of the diligent,and sometimes the terrible hurt of the one who dreamed too much, who believed too much into the goodness of life.

I find myself getting back to the point when I want to throw everything away. It's one of the most scary moments when I sense this emotion, the feeling that I'm so close to giving my whole life up. Giving up,running away, hiding somewhere where no one can see me.

The price of a good life,the price of meeting wonderful and inspiring people is that it sometimes costs a lot more than an ordinary life. And sometimes it even costs my own values. Then I can decide between doing what is right,which is what would make me feel proud because I am loyal to my values,and doing what I have to do to get the chance of being happy (= being lucky?). It's a fascinating question,and for everyone who ever gets to this point where he/she has to make the choice between two things that are both right and wrong, it's something they will remember.

But sometimes I also think, if I make the choice that doesn't accord with my values, while someone else makes the opposite choice (for the own values), and it both contributes to one and the same thing...then is my choice even respectable at all?

Yes...think about it.

There is at least one thing that gives me hope. Right now. I know that whenever I had to go through humiliating moments,it later helped me to be good at something,or to achieve something. You'll never even experience half as much humiliation as I already did back in the year when I lost my faith (something that also strangely saves me now). In some way what happened back then broke me apart,and made place for something new. Maybe that is the only way that I can succeed. I have to go through bad times over and over,and when I can look into the mirror again, I finally feel glad again that I can do the things I like. But to be honest, I'm also afraid that I will one day go too far. But hey...it's alright. I got the message...I'm born to suffer. And it's okay, I get a lot of good things in return. Maybe I have to accept it,swallow it, move on. This world doesn't have any space left for people who want to fight for what's right. It's not a place for people like that. Not as long as there is black and white, east and west, and all that has to do with that. There will always be a loser. And see...Unfortunately I'm a guy. In many situations considered a boy. But when it comes to "taking it" or "dealing with it", they call me a "man". And a man has to take it. I'm the one who has to work, who will be asked to protect and feed the family. Yeah. If you think this is not the world we live in,then you are wrong. Whether it's an old, based on traditions kind of system,or the new world. It works the same way.

So yeah. I think I can identify with this. I am the man here, I'm the one who has to be strong. I have to take all the pain even if it is only by not telling bad things to other people,instead rather keeping them and suffering until I've earned myself a good life,a good wife,a ferrari, a palace. Suffer yourself to success. Sacrifice yourself to success. You know what? When I get sarcastic enough, I even start to believe it.

Falling apart

Is 23 an age when you notice how you're getting older and sick easily? I lost a filling on one tooth on the night from friday to saturday, so I have to get a dentist appointment quickly. Apart from that, my right eye is so swollen that I couldn't open it this morning without the help of my fingers. Now it's only half open and I have to see a specific doctor for that too. And then I need immunisations for my trip (not my own decision,but my mum wouldn't stop pushing me). So that makes three doctors. If I have to go to one more doc,the one after that would be included: The psychatrist.

[insert title here]

So, some people are interested to see if online relationships work. I'm curious too...

I wish I didn't have to work. The creativity has come back to me to some degree, I have several songs in mind to record. At least one of them was inspired by a dream some time ago. It was a dream that perfectly described one of my basic fears...to just watch how other people get everything,while i'm standing there...standing there and not taking part. Either as a sacrifice because they need these things more than i do,or because i'm the one who was born to lose. The title would be "Bystander". That's clear already.
Reminds me of this other dream I had long,long ago. About Marit. A miraculous dream and at the same time a song that just popped up in my head.

There are a lot of good things to mention too. But I don't know how much sense it makes to the ones who read this. I got some answers recently, a little bit of hope. Nothing too big yet,but it's nice...some signs that tell me there is a reason behind everything. Not for me to know yet, but if I'm strong enough, just if, then i'll get to understand one day.

I must go now and fill my mind with something/someone beautiful.

~Toodles

Exponential increasement of appearances of good events

Dear readers,

Why is life sometimes so perfect and all good things come together. Not that I would complain, it's just strange to me. It feels unusual because from what i'm used to it only happens once in a long time that something really good comes up,so why are there so many things going well now?

Is it because I'm in love? I don't think so. Let's look at the facts. It started getting good in 2002, when I got to record my first song. It gave me a lot of confidence,but I was still insecure,and I still am. Today for instance, I talked to the secretary at my next year's school (probably,not decided yet) and the convo went like this:

Me: And there are chances internationally,yes?
Her: Yes.
Me: Yes? Oh, that is really...that is not bad,yes...yes...hm...
Her:...
Me: Hm...yeah....what else did I want to ask.

Okay,back to things going well. The first song I recorded was finished in 2003. Back then, I also met a lot of my online friends, and many of them have become very important in my life up to a crazy point...amazing what can happen. I had a great time,and I also did quite well at school. The next thing I know is we're in 2005, I graduate, meet my biggest idol, start with a job that I like after some time, job that gives me something and makes me become a stronger person. Through all this, I know that someone loves me, and that I will get to look forward to something with her. And maybe I can say that this is what keeps me going. The motivation. And a lot of happiness. But still no explanation for why things go so well. Happiness is one thing, but things falling into place is something else. Because now I even don't get problems with finding a place to study next year. They even said I don't have to deal with math coz "there is no math". Damn. Why did all the other jobs have math in them without exceptions,and now it's the most normal thing in the world to not have math. But hey, I don't complain.
It's not only that things go well and i'm happy...I seem to radiate as much happiness as Chernobyl radiated unhealthiness. At work, I smile a lot. People say "you smile so much" and then I say "it's a beautiful day. I have to smile". Haha. That's so not me,but things change. The biggest miracle about me as a person is that i changed from a pessimist to an optimist. It was a long change and I've been an optimist with a careful attitude for very long,even longer than I am really lucky. So that means something.

Anyway. Sleep is important. People out there, remember to appreciate it when things don't get worse...that means you keep a lot that means something to you.

It's spring

Last night I went out jogging again. I'm into sports now a little more than before. What's really nice is that your body asks for it once you got used to it. When you've eaten something it can happen that it tells you that you're so full of energy you have to do something with it.

A nice side effect, I get to appreciate life. I only go out for jogging at night,when nobody is there, no one who could make me feel stupid. Yes,it's bad for you guys who are not suffering from social fears. But on the other hand,how often do you get to be alone and enjoy the stars? Last night it was beautiful. Not just stars and a dark sky. Also clouds. Clearly visible though it was dark,and they moved through the air. It has something heavy, almost threatening to it. Something overwhelming. That's the word.
I didn't jog a lot then. I felt kinda watched, so I wanted to get home and i had to sleep soon too. On the way home I saw something on the ground, in the light of a street lamp. I jogged past it,thinking it was a piece of dog shit only. But then it moved and I got scared to death. It was just a big frog. Oh oh...two frogs. What a vulgar way of nature to remind me of love. Haha.

Everything else is good at the moment. I feel balanced. Work might get boring and exhausting again because there won't be holidays until july. Only a few days off here and there. But at the beginning of july it will be nice to go to the north sea again,and that's just the first taste of it.

Easter again?!

Another 2 weeks have passed since my last entry. Only 100 days until i arrive in Singapore. If it goes as fast as this for the rest of my life then I will be 30 tomorrow.

I have to ask myself what's going on. I carry something with me and I don't even know what it is. So far I avoided Easter as much as possible. It doesn't really bring up the nicest associations. Not only in a personal way,coz one year ago I went through a hard time. But also in general. Easter, the time when the church reminds everyone of the sin. Unnecessary for someone who feels like a murderer,haha. This is it again...feeling guilty for nothing specific. Just the way I don't seem to find the answers to my questions. I wasn't raised like everyone. Can't remember it but it must have been the way that they always told me things like this: "there is this beautiful place called heaven,everything is made of gold. But it's so easy to fall for the evil and if you do that then you'll be punished". The second part is what was stronger. Fear took over. I could never identify with those who said "salvation is ours already because we believe". It never made sense that salvation was already for sure. Who in this world owns the truth?

Who says what's necessary anyway? Well, at least I have come far enough to believe that life is not a weird accumulation of coincidences. Not after what happened in the last years. But that doesn't mean that I get the feeling I can have faith. I sense betrayal behind my back. Maybe not literally. I just don't trust a situation that feels good i guess. Can't rely on anything that's just perfect the way it is. There has to be a lesson behind every corner. Something tells me if i don't make sure then I'll run into the next failure and wonder why i didn't prevent it.

On my spiritual and religious quest i have left all the known paths. There is nobody i know who could completely relate to it. My past is one thing,and the people who were there can't help me because what they believe is not what I believe in any more. But then again,they are the only ones who really understand my background. But as I said,they can't reach me. And anyone who would be in my range cannot relate to me because they don't have that past i had.

Why do I post this here. I'm afraid of being misunderstood anyway...

Second post of the month

Sorry for not updating. Did I lose all my readers?

March is over. It was supposed to be the month of organizing,the month after which a lot more things are clear. The basic things are clear now,not all but what matters is clear. Only death or disease can keep me from going to my destination this summer. A holiday of 4 weeks in a country far,far away. A country unknown to some people. Like one of my colleagues says "Have fun in Sri Lanka". I told her my vacation will be this summer and not during easter. Well,and after guessing Shanghai and other places starting with "S", i'm wondering what will be next. Simbabwe? Senegal? Slovenia? Well,the second letter is an "i".

It was an interesting month. Also one of the longest months when it comes to working. 23 work days i think. From now on it will be different. I will only have 8 regular work days in april. 5 days of seminar. And the rest is holidays. Ahh...wonderful. The last holidays until the most important holidays of my life. Sorry, Marit ;)

And now it's also spring time. Not bad actually. I want to enjoy the mild breeze outside,and be happy that there are no wasps or other annoying creatures out there yet. Strange how I see myself enjoying the season. Probably it's the case because I'm thankful in general. I could even be thankful that I live in the 21st century,that there are toilets, that there is a tv. Haha. Wow. But in the first place I'm grateful for what I call "the gift of love". I'm very lucky. And I really didn't think I would be able to find someone who understands me and has enough patience to tolerate me. But miracles happen and I'm going to give back what i get. I could go on for a while, but it's not easy to understand anyway. This whole story isn't even believable for me. It's just out of this earth. I won't ever get how it got this far,and how all these little coincidences made it happen.

April is supposed to be a good month. I want to make it a good one. But now I have to go to bed and cuddle with the blanket. *sighs*

Coming close to the ides of march

It's the middle of march already. Strange how fast everything goes. Yesterday was october....always remember october...
I'm in this strange situation where everything seems to work. The warning signs always go up when that happens. Like the silence before the storm. But I have faith in the things that happen right now. At the moment I book my journey for this summer,and everything looks good so far. I don't want to suspect anything bad,the people at the travel agency know what they're doing and i know what i want. The last months showed that from one day to the next,a lot of information can fall down on someone. It changes a lot of things. Somehow I just want to get everything ready for now and then i can't make a move back. There is some kind of risk,but i wouldn't call it risk. It's more like half a commitment,half a sacrifice. A chance to make something work,with money,time,investing feelings and lots of other things. If I get it all back the way i wish it would,then it's worth it. And i think that it can happen...it's not too much asked and i'm not naive. But of course i do expect something and I'm never quite sure if expecting something from someone else is always right. Life taught me to not leave things to other people,or at least to keep feelings or expectations low until i know i can dive into it with all the trust and faith needed. In this case, it's already too late to hold anything back. Can I ask for this to work or would it be foolish? Was I good enough or will I be punished for bad things i did? Can I just close my eyes and run into this no matter how i feel about it and just wish and pray it will go well? Not sure what the right attitude is,but it's like it doesn't make a difference whether i go about it and say "it's already clear,i'm the king of the world and i will get it all" or if i say "i'm so doubtful i don't know what will happen". Whatever i do,i know that i'm depending on this in the same way. This venture will change my life. To those of you who don't know what I'm talking about,you will know about it this summer... and it will leave its traces in my life forever.

Sounds like a good way to end this entry. But i need to add some things. I'm working on another blog project and i'll mention it soon. The other thing is,I highly recommend Marit's new album. Marit Larsen- Under the surface. So far only available in norway or online via credit card,but she's a great musician and if you don't agree then...then you just don't know her well enough. Haha.

'Rivalry' or 'Being a #2'

I'm fed up with work at the moment. My job sucks. It used to be okay or even good for several months,and I've been there for 6 months,but now it starts to get unpleasent. I'm annoyed by it, and some things in the past weeks have made it more and more difficult so one thing led to another. It has to do with some people at work. As you might know I work at a school for disabled people. The one who I "hate" the most is the mother of the most severly disabled kid in class, who suffers from trisomy 13. She always needs to have everything done correctly, and the slightest mistakes will come back to the person who did it. But it's not possible to make everything right,especially when she asks for so many little things. And on some days,it does not only have to be done right,but quickly too. The next time she will make me angry I will scream.

Then there are the students themselves. When I started to work with them, I was motivated and had my own visions of working with them. Improving them, encouraging them, making them better. But this idea crumbled and now i've become someone who doesn't see much more in them than hopeless cases,and that's also because of the way they treat me. It's sad that they are only trying to cause trouble and make stupid jokes.

There is also my colleague. He started to work in my class some months later than me. It's strange how our working relationship developed. On the day he started, I was away in another class as a substitute. When I was back on the next day,he knew everyone's name and had an easy and undifficult relationship with every student,getting along well with them. He turned out to be the socially skilled one. He always found the right words,knew how to motivate the students and to treat them as if he was one of them,also fooling around. Only a few weeks later I had to realize that he had overtaken me completely. He was the better one. From then on I was the number 2, and somehow I had nothing to say,and not so much respect from the students. What I hate the most is that they call me by his name, me,the one who was there like 2 months before him. I have to tell them I'm not him,and then they remember to call me by my own name. Not very motivating.

This colleague has a behaviour that is very different from mine. He is very relaxed,doesn't take anything seriously,likes to fool around with others until it gets too much and still doesn't stop,he always complains when he's bored. I often have to remind him to do things or he will forget them,or just do them too slowly or take too much time. "Did you measure the blood sugar? Did you give him water? Did you write that down? When will you do this? Can you help me? Hello, now! Could you please stop fooling around and help me here?". This severely disabled person is the one we have to take care of the most. I'm always after it and trying to do things as soon as possible,according to the time schedule. But my colleague doesn't care so much,and he only does what's necessary. It stresses me coz I don't like it when someone doesn't seem to work sincerely.

Then there are moments when this guy acts like he knew the whole truth. He blames me for things that he does all the time. And makes me look like I'm careless. I'm so angry because of how he turns around everything. And you know what? He even earns more money than me,just because of bureaucracy reasons. I'm the one who puts in the most effort,who's most routined,who works professionally. But it's like he gets rewarded for being so "chilled" and "relaxed". So this is how it feels to be the number two,to be the older one who's outrun by a younger,better team mate. To be the one who was there first,who puts in most of the professionality but who has to share it with the one who makes the best impression on everyone,who gets along with everyone better. You can call me envious..tell me how i'm supposed to feel. Maybe someone who has younger siblings can understand how I feel, but only to some extend. I'm glad he's not my brother...haha. Man,I just want to get the next 6 months behind me so i can go somewhere else.

New born song

No one should say only women know what it's like to create life. It's the same with songwriting and recording. Tonight I finished recording a song. The first one with the new program and the first one at home in more than half a year. Another baby is born,haha.
I realize how much it was missing, the chance to write and record songs like this. It doesn't heal everything, and when I feel worst, it doesn't save me or hug me and tell me it's alright. No... but at least it helps to make a day better that was bad at some point and good at some other point. It was already turned into an enjoyable day when I talked to someone special for the second time today.
I guess what's really important in life is not to give up at what's really important...even if that is only one big and wonderful thing. It doesn't have to be a philosophy for all things in like, as for stupid jobs,annoying people or useless "this is the world we live in" things. But if there is one thing that would be worth all the trouble,then maybe one should concentrate on it,and make everything that is needed to make it happen. And not give a damn about what the others say. And maybe...it takes two.

Marit Larsen Syndrome and the 6 months phenomenon

Exactly 6 months ago I met Marit Larsen, the famous norwegian singer, songwriter and guitar player. We met in a cafe in Oslo,and until today it has been the best day of my life. Whenever I think about what happened that day,i have to shake my head and grin like an idiot. It feels unreal. As if it was just a dream. But then i know it happened,and i say things like "shit...damn...it DID happen!".
When something gets so overwhelming that we are unable to accept it in our minds, then this is the Marit Larsen Syndrome. I think i'll call it like that from now on. In this case it's even a good thing,a good trauma. Not sure if any of you readers can understand it. It's like one thing you always considered as "a dream" or "totally unreal and impossible" has become true. Maybe people who suddenly become famous and never believed in it,or people who find true love and never thought that would happen, can understand this.

Then there's the 6 months phenomenon. It could be the same with 1 year or 10 years. At the moment some things are 6 months back in the past,or in the future,and i keep wondering why it can pass by so quickly. Not long ago my relationship with my sweetheart was 6 months old. Today the Marit meeting is 6 months back. Soon I will have spent 6 months at my current job,which makes it half way finished. Then there's things that I look forward to. A journey,a meeting, something that will hopefully take place in 6 months too. And after that I will start with a new job,training or go to some school. And the worldcup here in germany isn't even 6 months ahead in the future i think...strange coz that was also one of the things that are so far away in the future. 2006 sounds more like a science fiction novel title to me than our current year.

Apart from this I try to keep the balance between hopes and realism. I guess it's very risky and dangerous to focus all my heart and soul on one thing that gives me pleasure,but on the other hand it's my way of showing that I want to make it work.

Female psychology

I'm in a good mood today but i still feel like writing about something kinda...bad. It's something that scares guys about girls. It lies in the nature of girls to be prone to over-expectation. Here is an example taken from an imaginary diary.

Dear Diary,

I saw Brad Pitt on tv today. Oh my goooood,he's sooo cute. I just wish I will marry him. Who knows,maybe one day it will happen.
My dream guy will be like him,no matter what. I don't accept anyone who doesn't look as cute and well dressed as him. I see my dream guy in front of me already. A knight with shining armor,my hero,the one who saves me and protects me from all the trouble there is. He will look down into my eyes and tell me that everything is alright.

My first kiss will be the best thing there has ever been. It has to be perfect,if it isn't that I will drop him immediately. A kiss,especially the first kiss,HAS to be perfect. A guy knows that. And of course a guy knows how to do that,even if he hasn't done it before. He just knows what a girl wants and needs. My perfect boy knows what women want. So the first kiss will be so wonderful and unforgettable,because he knows how it works and he will do it right.

And later,when we are married,he will get up one hour early every day,to prepare breakfast for me. Then he will bring it to my bed while I still sleep. And since I still sleep,he will wait until I wake up. Then he will watch me eat everything and say "you're beautiful". Of course,as a gentleman,he will clean the dish afterwards and then go to work. Okay,he might be a little late but i'm sure he will explain to his boss what he did and his boss will be so pleased to hear how he loves me that he will offer my guy a better paid position.

Oh yes,my boyfriend! Where is he? When will he find me? All i know is, I can only wait. This is what a girl has to do. It's the boy who has to make the first move,always! And it's not like I demand so much. I want a sensitive guy who cares about feeling. But he must not be gay! Yes,a sensitive one...but at the same time a real man with muscles and someone who knows how to please a woman! But a sensitive guy...but not a lame loser like this dude who said he liked me...yeah sure,i accidentally told him i like guys who show feelings and are a little soft,but him?! God please!!!
So...where was I? Oh right,my dream guy. Sensitive,strong,a real man... He must be out there somewhere. All the other girls always end up with bastards that treat them bad. No idea why * but at least i know Mr Perfect is somewhere out there still.
*sighs* Now I should go to bed and dream of him. My hero,my knight,my warrior.

* The reason: He's that strong guy who's perfect on the outside but doesn't have what would be best for the girl. One of the fatal thinking mistakes of girls.

My comment: This is not how all girls think. It's just what might be hidden in many girls. If you are a girl and ever find yourself thinking like that,be careful. You might either be disappointed, get the wrong guy one day or break hearts.
If you don't identify with this girl and think that your way of thinking is very different,then you are very grown up and mature. Congrats.

Waiting for the turning point

I have a theory that at some point in life there's a big change. It's a point from when things get much clearer and you know where you're at. I believe it has to do with love,the job you go for, religion and the social status. Perhaps other things too,like dreams that you want to fulfill for yourself.

I'm close to this point. There's a lot of tension at the moment because nothing is clear. The job search costs me a lot of nerves,and every job has a big catch. Often there are unfair circumstances that make it hard or even impossible to go for certain jobs. But I see some options and sooner or later i will have to go for one of them.
Then there's the love aspect. Something is in reach,and it's interesting too. Nothing is for certain,all i know is that there is a chance it may work. If it does,then i expect this to be permanent and a turning point in my life. I believe in it, and she does too. Of all the aspects about life this is the one that makes me most happy.
Religion will always be some kind of struggle for me. The questions don't stop,but i also know that being happy makes me think of other things...and i might be able to accept life as it is and believe in the what is good...whatever that means.
The social part of life is okay for me. There are some ppl that mean something to me,but not many. My attention is focused on two people at the moment,one of them is myself (well,the center of everyone's life). It's probable that this is the reason why i'm not so concerned about my few friends.

It's important for me to be able to earn money. If possible in 3 years and not later. I'm not crazy about finding my dream job,it's enough if i feel good at what i do,and i hope i can manage to get something i feel comfortable with.
Love is always important and it's different for every person. When you are used to dreaming about it only,it means much more when you suddenly encounter it. I let it happen that it makes me happy.

These two things are about to come into shape in the next months. At the end of this year,i will be wiser. I'm already curious what life will look like for me. I don't want to claim that the worrying ever stops for ppl like me...but i hope that i get to this point i've been wanting to pass for some years. I used to tell my parents "you have a good life because you don't need to worry about finding the right job. You don't have to do maths,you just go to work everywhere and you can do something you like,and don't have to be prepared for bad situations like i have to".

What I mean to say is, it feels right to become independent now...slowly. I always thought i would hide from this but now the circumstances force me to,but at the same time i want to get further now because it might lead me to a good life.

And once again i feel like i talked a lot of shit. Well,no need to worry,it's a blog.

Older

Since january 12th I'm 23 years old. Maybe it's the right time to act a little bit more like an adult person. I may be young still,but i'm not that young either. There are people in my age that have their own family with kids. They earn their own money,live on their own,they are in charge of things that take responsibility.
One of the difficult things about being grown up or wanting to be is that you can't rely on others any more. You can't turn your head,look up into your mother's face and wait until she shows you with a gesture of moving hands and a nodding head that it's okay to take the next step. You have to look in front of yourself, clench your fists and move forward.
What's also difficult is to escape the old patterns. What used to be a protection procedure now stands in the way. For example: Doubts and worries. Isn't it a good way of handling things? You keep telling yourself "it could go wrong" or "what if..." and then,if something goes wrong,you already have the comfort of knowing you saw it coming. But it can't go on like this forever. Maybe the art of being adult is to face the future with dignity. It doesn't matter wether you stand up and fight after something went wrong or wether you commit suicide* , at least you take the first step of being an adult and don't worry as much. A grown up person has the power to decide the course of events after something has happened.

There are many things I still have to learn. I can't hide behind my thinking patterns any more. It doesn't have to go wrong. It might turn out just fine. I have to trust myself that, whatever happens, I'll make the right decision when the outcome is clear. A decision that serves as a consequence, that shows how much it means,will mean,or meant to me. I just need a little time to grow up...

*This does not mean that the author suggests suicide as a solution of problems or thinks that suicide equals the effort of fighting.

Male psychology 2

This is an imaginary conversation inspired by a conversation that really happened. I added some things to demonstrate something. Not sure what. Maybe you will understand it as you read it. Sorry for the strong language,if there is any. It's only there to emphasize things.

A is at home when the phone rings. His "friend"* is on the phone to tell him about his life.

A: Hello?
B: Hey man,old fucker! Yo what's up,long time no see!
A: Ummm...oh,hi. I'm good,you?
B: Just saying hi and happy bir- oh i wanted to tell you something
A: Thank y...
B: Oh well,just listen. You know,I met two hoooot ladies and they're really sexy. Damn they have nice asses you know. Mwah! Absolute high class man,real first class asses. Well, One of them is 27 and she obviously has a boyfriend already,but that doesn't matter at all. And the other one doesn't have a boyfriend i think and she's my age. I met her at this place you know. Real nice ass.
A: Oh ok...so?
B: Well, I think something might go on,you know. We went to the cinema recently and it was really nice. And we went to the disco too. Man,crazy, these girls there were hot and moved their asses. And this girl i know,her and me,we drank some drinks and then she said bye. But i think it might be a good thing. Finally i have some girl. I got myself a chick man,it was about time.
A: Wait...how did this come to happen?
B: Oh,i just met her at this job thing you know. And some ppl started saying "are you in love?" so it was clear to some ppl. I even tried to flirt with this one woman above me,but that would have meant trouble.
A: And this girl...does she like you too?
B: I think about asking her "wanna fuck with me?" but i think it would be too early. First we have to meet again and drink some drinks.
A: But she likes you?
B: Oh...hm... I told her room mate to tell her that I like her a little bit. So yeah.
A: What? You mean that's the closest you got to her? All you did was talk to her and now you already think of...you know?
B: Hey of course she knows that i like her. And that she goes to the cinema with me already shows that she's horny,right?
A: Well...depends on...
B: See! Just my opinion. So yeah,she's horny. A lot of my friends told me they got chicks by asking "wanna fuck" and yeah,that's crazy man. But first we have to drink more and i should visit her at home maybe.
A: I'm not sure if you should start with such a question. Girls don't like that. You know,it helps to ask a girl about personal things,like her family and such. Being a gentleman just a little.
B: Oh come on,there are too many ppl like that! That sucks.
A: Before you expect too much,you should make sure she even KNOWS about your feelings!
B: Feelings? What's that you're talking about? Please don't tell me you're one of these romantic idiots. Come on,be a man,you sucker. You're crazy or what? It's all about getting girls man. By the way,what about you?
A: What...what do you mean?
B: Did you get a nice chick or still the lonely loser?
A: Well...there is someone,but it's too private and i don't wanna go into detail.
B: Is she hot? Sexy body? Or just a boring one?
A: She's very nice,yeah...she does look good but that's just...
B: Yeah! Yeah man,i knew it! You're a real man,man. You know how to get a horny chick man. Did you already ask her to go to bed with you?
A: It's not like that.
B: Oh,you mean she's not horny enough yet? Did you meet her at work? You met her at work right? I knew it. One of these sexy ladies that work there. Yeah,they must be really cute.
A: No! I didn't say she's from my work. She isn't. But like I said,that's private and i'll let you know about it when it's time.
B: Is she from your city?
A: Well....ok,i'll answer this single question. She's not from my city.
B: So where does she live? What's her age? What's her hair and eye color? How long has it been? How sexy is she?
A: Hello? What did I just tell you?
B: Okay...good to see you caught one. Well. It was about time. Sooner or later everyone gets a chick. As long as she's sexy. That's what counts the most.
A: Well,let's rather....let's just...let's talk about what you call "your girl". I'm not sure if you got the right idea of your kind of...relationship.
B: I just have to wait until the moment is right and then...baaaaang! I'll ask her to jump into bed with me!
A: Hell no! Don't you have any manners? It doesn't work like that...and it's not right either.
B: Yeah. True. Thanks for the advice. Yes...I have to wait and make her think I really like her,and then i'll get her to undress herself quicker. Man,you're clever!
A: Hm...Not exactly what I meant. You know,I'm more worried about you. You don't seem to estimate the situation in the right way. You have to get to know her better before you...
B: Yeah! Bingo! I have to find out what she likes,then I can get her to do it with me. Same thing as before. Maybe she has some nice crazy secrets she would like to use when we're...you know?
A: I think I should give it up.
B: And when do you think you got your girlfriend ready?
A: What? Please? What do you mean?
B: Oh...forget it man. I think you're not ready for this. Grow up,be a man and then we'll talk about this again. Hey,gotta go now. I have to check where I wrote down her name...damn,my memory isn't at its best. Well,see ya later! Good luck with the lady. Don't dare to make it with her before I'm done with mine,okay?
A: No,don't worry. Good luck and I hope it doesn't hurt when reality hits you.
B: What do you mean with you? Her and me? No,only her when she finds out it's just for the fun of it,haha. Yeah man,we understand each other don't we? Bye!


*"friend"= Annoying person who calls you a friend but just likes to cling to you and not let go. You don't call that person a friend when you know such a person.

My comment: The last time I wrote about male psychology,I got misunderstood or might have been misunderstood by some people. What I want to express with my male psychology posts is written in the lines. You have to understand that there's sometimes irony,sarkasm or such stuff in them. It's not literally. To make it clear,I would have been person A in this conversation. I only want to explain that people like person B exist. What you think about these people is up to you. I will leave it to the minds of those who read it what they think.

This post remains untitled

The problem isn't away yet,and it will take a while to come at peace with myself,but at least I sorted something out today.

Hm...something happened half a year ago. Tomorrow (in some minutes,so to speak) it's been 6 months since a day that really changed my life. All in a good way. I don't have what it takes to express the thankfulness that would be necessary. I only know I have to mention that I can be happy. To get used to something happens so easily. Even being afraid of losing it only makes the awareness last for a short time,until the fear is over again. Or maybe...maybe it's me. I should say something nice again. I should show that i'm glad to be in this situation. I should go back to the beginning...and let the memories come back of how it was before,how it all came into place.

Strange how mercilessly time goes on. Not good nor bad things persist when time goes by. Yesterday, or let's say 2 years ago, there was a group of people waiting for an album that would perhaps never come out. There were no promises,no guarantees. The only thing we had was all the time in the world. We got so used to it that,at least for me,things move totally fast. It's nothing compared to when I met Marit (yes,it's about her album). I'm not sure if i can catch up with all the changes that can happen at once. I didn't even grow up to feel as mature as my age demands me to be. At one point it's not worth running after everything.

I still remember myself say "it's still 1995". Wasn't that yesterday...?

Hm...so happy 8th of january.