Thursday, July 19, 2007

I want to sleep until everyone shuts up

In case anyone ever reads this blog anyway except my girlfriend, I just want to post here to make sure nobody gets worried. Everything is more or less normal. Not stable, not absolutely positive, but at least I don't want people to think I'm going to die.

There is no continuation to the weird myths about the employment agency. Maybe they saw my blog and decided to improve their image. My advisor there today was a very friendly woman. She only made my strange behaviour obvious by repeatedly asking if I'm alright. I'm used to being considered strange. She gave me tasks to do so my mind is still not in a holiday mood. And maybe I will be so busy that it's not really holidays but more a lot of work. But before this sounds like a negative implication I will already stop talking about it. It is -not- negative. I'm just easy to be triggered by some things around me that cause this and that emotion.

Sometimes by clicking on a link to a blog of a person you don't know, you see things that make you speechless. And maybe shutting up is the best thing to do then. I wonder how so much naivity and blindness of the things in this world can exist. How can someone say things like that? Obviously because that person has never had a bad experience about her faith. What a nice trigger again. But as long as she's happy, she doesn't have to complain. I just wonder sometimes how people make their belief system so amazingly simple. Wow... just putting up a stupid sentence, adding a couple of conclusions and then calling it the truth.

I even talked about religion with my brother. I told him over and over how I hold on to the strong belief that nobody in this world owns the truth. And that I would always put the values of the old Greek and the later developed, secular societies (democracy, equality of men and women, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech) above the religious laws of ANY religion. There is no religion that would succeed in making a law for anyone. They would not do the ones justice who don't feel a sense of belonging to this law. Religions have forgotten to have absolute tolerance. I hold a grudge against their mistakes. But the thing that makes me sad is that I cannot open people's eyes.

I feel that things will be different after this summer. I'm not saying in what way because I don't know. I will keep on hoping and fighting for the best, but one thing I know is that I'm on the way of becoming a man. This is not one of these stupid, over-emotional, emancipated moments where one feels so over-special about being strong. No. I've only made the decision to represent what's good in me. To let my values speak. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking to be able to look into the mirror and say that I still like myself and that I support what I do. I will never again allow anyone to take that away from me. If that is okay to demand, then there is no problem.

The change between logical, calm, thoughtful thinking and emotional, stirred up, angry rage is becoming clearer. Tonight I noticed that I can even have both at the same time. I can be very angry because of a trigger, at the same time tell myself that I'm still theoretically willing to do what I consider possible to do, and again re-tell myself that, due to the emotions I feel, what I plan and acknowledge is possible in theory is absolutely unpredictable in reality. And then again, I reaffirm myself that it -is- theoretically possible. And furthermore, that I would easily do it if it was a little more simple. But that I don't take the blame if such an opportunity doesn't exist.

What looks as if I want to change the world is only an attempt not to be crushed. I added more lines to this sentence but deleted them again. Sometimes silence is better. I'm tired of typing things down that in the end are arrows that are directed at me. Whatever I say can mean anything, so why should I write mysterious stuff here?

I know that I do not know...

Monday, July 16, 2007

Please help me...

I cannot keep up with my quietness. There has to be another post again because I don't know how to handle my emotions. Where do I turn to with this? It's better to find a quiet place to cry. Maybe my bed at night.

Today started well, it's the first of three exam days for me, and today was also the toughest because there were three exams. They went better than expected and I would say really well. Well, that was the better half of the day.

The other half is that something came up from the back of my head again. I don't even know what it is, maybe I'm just wondering why I feel this mix of anger, fear, guilt and depression.

Anger because I can't have things as simple as I would like to.

Fear because I know what it's like to lose something that you've loved and that you loved all your life.

Guilt because I realize that I'm breaking down, that I'm the one who doesn't know what to do any more. And because I might have to rely on someone else while not being able to be of any help. If I even get to deserve that kind of help.

Depression because I don't know how to get out of this. There are two ways of feeling better, but they exclude each other.

Today was also the third time this month that I cried. It's a relief to cry and at the same time a terrible reminder of how things look inside. The worst thing is to get to the thought that it would be better to -die- than to choose any of the options that are available. No, I don't feel like killing myself although I imagine just running away and then being killed accidentally. Not my fault, at least I wouldn't have to decide any more. Sorry if it sounds harsh... if there was any chance not to long for this then I'd take it, but I don't feel that I have it in my hands.

What is my last resort? My last resort is that I either receive promises that I cannot pay back with anything I have, or my last resort is that I only -hope- things get better and remember that it happened before that something that looked impossible got more or less possible in the last second. That is not a huge hope and I don't know if I can invest several years of my life for hoping this way.

Maybe the worst thing is that it's unfair. Not only against me. It is unfair in every sense I can see. Unfair against me, unfair against others, it's against love, against a relationship that wants to breathe, a relationship that has the same right to be kept simple just like all the other relationships out there. And no, I didn't choose a complicated relationship... because I'm too different to get along with anyone here, yet not different enough to get along with the very different ones anywhere else.

I know what God wants from me. He wants me to be patient and to be good and to wait until it all makes sense, asking me to remember that it's not deliberate suffering He is forcing upon me but a plan that doesn't work differently. Yes, I know how all this works... in the end I'm supposed to come out with something that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. But well... I wonder how far it goes. Doesn't He know that I will reach a point where I have to disappoint Him? So many tests... and so many times that I fail.

What can I even ask for now... it feels wrong to ask for anything and at the same time I cannot go on without asking for some things. How I wish someone out there would know how I feel and not push away my wishes only because they own a different truth.

I'm going crazy because I'm desperate. All my plans that I've made for the future, they are starting to shake and tremble and threatening to fall apart. I may be exaggerating, but then why do I still go back to this point? I don't want to underestimate the situation.... my sensitiveness is too dominant and I can't lose myself to get where I want to get. That wouldn't be reaching the goal... that would be suicide. I must save myself, too.

I can only call for help... *sighs*

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Hello to July

Today is Marit's birthday. Happy birthday!

It's the beginning of a month that's supposed to be the hottest, together with August. We will see though. At the moment it's more like autumn and at the same time the strangest July in ages. Possible that the next months won't be representative for other summers.

There might be other topics to blog about in the month of July. Maybe another episode of the crazy employment agency series, maybe something about final exams. But at the moment I take it that this might be the last entry for July, because events are very unpredictable and time-consuming.

I feel like this is a departure into some kind of journey I'm taking. So goodbye until I'm back with news.