Thursday, November 24, 2005

I don't want to complain,but...

Is it a good or bad thing when all these mixed feelings,sometimes good,sometimes bad, turn into emptiness?
At the moment, I don't want anything,don't miss anything,don't feel any happiness or sadness in me. I can't exactly say how,but in some way i made myself unemotional. There is nothing that goes beyond today. No fear and no hope. The only thing i ask for is a weekend,so i will sleep longer,and theoretically,i'd have time to do all these wonderful things that are supposed to get me out of the hole.
One month until christmas. Not a real reason to look forward to it. The presents,if there will be any,are something i could get on other days too. Luckily,christmas and birthdays exist,only for this get presents.

When I look at myself,i see some changes...or restructuring. There are some desires that have been satisfied or fulfilled...dreams and wishes that came true and were granted. Other things ceased to be of interest,they died away from my mind. This mind asks for new things,new wishes,interests,hobbies. But there's a lack of all of them. I don't know what to do with my life,yet. And of the many dreams i could have,I maybe have one left. And of all the hobbies,there are some that I consider as existant...but they are set to stand by. Or maybe they die away from me too. The danger now is that I will get the wrong hobbies. I don't know how to explain that for people who don't know the situation. Well,one simple example would be that i could switch writing music with playing video games. That would be a change towards creativelessness. Not that i haven't played games yet,but they haven't been what i wake up to every day since a long time ago. It shouldn't be like that again,that i wake up to play again.

What I don't really understand is why it affects my feelings. Why does it happen that I feel nothing? It wouldn't make a difference if i died today. I don't feel a desire for fighting against life's obstacles...but i don't feel like dying either. Where is the inspiration i'm waiting for? I need something that brings all the feelings back. A lot of happiness,a little bit of longing,some melancholy,some hope. A little bit of everything. Right now i'm a robot on low battery.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Slowly perishing

The fact that i often write about bad things in this blog makes it look like i'm not happy at all. I want to stress this isn't the case.

Something is going really wrong at the moment,and i don't know what it really is,where it comes from,what the reasons are,but it's unhealthy for me.
My life consists a lot of working,eating and sleeping. When there is time to do other things,I either waste time or do something that is enjoyable but not fulfilling. Chatting,video games,watching tv. That's ok if it helps. It's okay if there is some of it and then there's something that fills life apart from all that. But there is nothing,absolutely nothing. And now it starts to become serious,more and more. It used to end in little depressions,a feeling like failure or the loss of all talents. Today i turned really angry,and it got so bad that i became angry at the slightest things. When i washed my hands and the soap didn't want to go the way i wanted it to go,i threw it on the floor with as much power as possible. And of course later on I got trouble from my mum for destroying this valueable,this wonderful,this respectable piece of soap. It's also a living being! How could i ever do this?! Oh my goodness!
It was right of her to show me how stupid I was.Yes,i should have taken a walk instead. And yes,i could have used the rowing machine instead to get rid of the anger. But hey,why didn't she get more useful ideas for me? I could have vacuum cleaned everything,or maybe use my infinite anger to wear a pink dress and train ballet,or play a happy tune on the keyboard. Hey hey,isn't that a great way of getting rid of anger that could make you kill other people or yourself? The answer to this question is no.

I was more than just angry.It is the kind of anger where you don't think "Should i really throw this piece of soap on the ground? Maybe there's something better".'s something emotional. Some people are really not clever when it comes to that. As if you could discuss everything away.

The distressing problem is that i should be happy. But i can't be happy without some kind of progress in what i do. I get stuck. Reading a book doesn't fulfill me. I can't write music any more and there are no other hobbies that would give me that sort of pleasure any more. Being a working machine from monday to friday and a wreck on the weekend isn't what i wanted. Where does my life go when i have to face a life like this,only working for money that i spend for a short holiday once a year. And then,only emptiness throughout the rest of the year.

It would be okay to accept this,knowing that there might be a change one day. But life is short,and i don't know how i can bear this idea of working my life away like this. I'm not happy with the way people think nowadays. You work until you are at a certain age,then you retire (the age goes up at the time,67 is the latest information i got,but maybe i'd have to work until i'm70+ ).
Anger and depression come when you get so stuck only an explosion of feelings could get you out of here. But i remain stuck,and i feel like i'm dying inside. I don't want to go anywhere and find out new things,i don't want to spend time with other people now,don't want to meet friends in the city,i'm not like this. And i don't want to die away either. But here is nothing i can do now. It's not like i'm in the giving-up-mood. I'm just at the point where you look around and see your own despair. No way out at the moment. It's when you want to fall asleep,fall into dreams that entertain you and give you solutions,and wake up,not tomorrow,not the day after tomorrow,but just in a different time.

What i ask myself right now: If I can't be satisfied with what i have now,how can i ever be constantly happy at all? I want something that doesn't change too much,but i also want changes for myself in some other way. *sighs*