Sunday, November 26, 2006

Still not over it

I have a cold, and it's the first cold of the new winter season. Hurray.

My physical state gives me a similar feeling to the emotional state I'm in at the moment. Feeling tired all day, feeling like too much pressure is pushing on me. Maybe it's not just the cold alone, I think I can feel this feeling of being pushed into one corner again.

On tuesday I had a presentation on Marit Larsen. I was satisfied that day coz I did well, and I also accomplished the mission of making her known here, something that is in some way a goal of many Marit fans. Not my personal goal but people would like the idea. On friday I had another presentation, it was about the human resources department. After that I had to do more presenting, so it was a busy day and I was satisfied with myself... at least for one end of the day.

The weekend brought back other worries and it seems that there is never a time with too few things to worry about. I cannot motivate myself to do more than necessary for school, the sickness helps to stop doing anything, and then there is always more. My self confidence suffers from small things already, I'm really not that satisfied with life and another feeling is that everyhing is slipping away so quickly.

There are times when I wish I had a button to stop time. Every person would stand still and nothing would move or change. Then I could lose weight, write songs, do anything that needs catching up and I'd return to society as one who has left behind his personal problems. Only for a while so at least I fixed my own life before I can help other people or do things that are for more than surviving.

When I write here it's only for complaining, isn't it? Well, there are days when everything is nice, but strangely it's only single days, one day at a time, and never more. When I think of more, it gets too much. I can't afford to deal with so many things.

I know myself well. I can estimate how bad things are with me. I know that my problems are not that big, but if I get too much pressure then I can't deal with it. It has to stop... I need to sort everything out first. I can't do everything at the same time. And if it's too much then I can't do anything at all. My only aim now is to reach the winter holidays without any damage to my life, career, relationship or anything like that. No damage, just keeping things the way they are. No improvements or big innovations, just keeping it the way they are and reaching the point where I can rest from everything. It really isn't bad if people stop pushing.

My self confidence is still low, and that shows that a success over something that broke the self confidence doesn't automatically rewind and undo things. On the other hand I know that it's not that bad just if, if, if I get the time I need to fix everything. There can't be that many exams at the same time, not that many presentations. There are not that many subjects and not that many weeks until the next holidays, not that many months until it's over. It's not that long until I have time for you, any of you, all of you, one of you at a time.

I only need the security that it's okay if I deal with myself from time to time and not need to take care of everything.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Smashed to pieces

There are some things I need to let out, and I don't know how I can express it all. But I will demonstrate how I feel with this conversation I had with myself:

-"Guess what I dreamed!"
-"I had a nightmare that my presentation was so bad that I was told to make another presentation in two weeks exactly".
-"Wow, that's really a weird nightmare".
-"You know what's the worst part of it?"
-"What is it?"
-"It's not a dream".

The strange thing is how things went wrong. It was not that my presentation was too short, or that it didn't answer the topic. It did well and my teacher said I had lots of information in it, explained things well, kept the audience alive. But still, no matter how you turn it around, I was critizised too (my teacher: "take it in a postive way"). My presentation took almost 30 minutes, compared to the 10 minutes that it was supposed to take. I wrote things on the board (as I was supposed to, something the teacher had said before would be going to be important), but I turned my back on the audience for too long and didn't talk to them directly enough. The comments I made were liked by some people and disliked by others. I notice that I didn't convince anyone of my skills.

So much for the facts. Now comes the emotional level. How can I not feel deeply depressed now? The presentation had already caused a crisis in me before I held it. I was busy with work, I was nervous, I was frustrated about not being able to do other pieces of homework, I got the feeling that everything was going to be too much for me. I lost much of my self confidence. And now the only thing I get from presenting today is another terrible disappointment for me. Indeed, I don't have to make the same presentation again, no. And the presentation I have to make won't be as deep as the one before. But the fact that I have to present another presentation makes me feel rejected. As if I failed. Failed, failed, failed.

I did not expect this presentation to be the best thing in the world. But I was aiming high. The person who had presented before me (one week ago) had not been that good either, and I was sure that I could do better. Instead I got the ultimate punishment. I'm not mad at the teacher, I'm only disappointed at myself for losing another fight for my self confidence. My fear was that I would not have enough to mention during the presentation, instead the minutes passed and passed and before I noticed it, it was already past 25 minutes of presenting.

How do I go on from here? I feel humiliated. It's not only my personal disappointment, also that this is what I've been told to do. Another presentation. I need to stand in front of them again in two weeks, while still having homework to do in other subjects. I will -again- become nervous and feel threatened when the day of presenting comes closer. To be honest, I wish I could run away...not take part...or just die. Die because there's no other way virtually. This is not a job that I can quit and go somewhere else. No...this is a job training. If I don't succeed, I can look for another job trainig. That would take years again. And I don't want that. No!

I thought to myself "The worst thing that can happen is that I get slightly critizised". I thought, maybe it will not be the perfect presentation but at least I have it behind me then. And what happens? Something totally unexpected. To me, the one who always expects the worst. I don't have it behind me, I won't get a rest from it. And you know what? When the next presentation is over, other teachers will already come up and ask for presentations in their subjects too.

I hoped today would put an end to my depression, because that's how I felt in the last days. When there was something to smile about, I regretted that because I felt like I'm not allowed to smile. I only wanted to put this presentation to the past, concentrate on the stupid homework and breathe a little. But now I can't and I'm in serious trouble. And where is the success? Where is the success experience I needed to build up my self confidence again? I feel like a loser now, even worse than before. I won't get my self confidence back so quickly. And before you think anything useless, don't think the next presentation would give me self confidence. It won't. Even if it's the best presentation in the world, I will carry the shadow behind me of the disappointment from today. I don't want to step in front of these people again like saying "look at me, I already presented but I was too bad so here I am again".

Looks like my year is going to end in tears. I wish I could cry but I obviously didn't feel enough humiliation and disappointment yet. I can already sense the fear of new tragedies. I don't know what happens next but I don't feel good at all. On the one hand I look for help, for understanding, for being taken care of. On the other hand I feel like I need to hide from everyone and that I don't want to talk to anyone coz I would only become aggressive and say the wrong things. I'm so trapped now...I can only wait until the weekend is finally there (as if it would make me feel way).

When I came to this school, I was filled with so much hope and strength. I was surprised how easy it was for me to say something in class, to take part in the lessons, to do well. And now that's all smashed and shattered again. I see myself pulling back from discussions, I see myself being tired and exhausted, just sitting there in such an absent way. And I'm afraid because so much depends on this one year of school (I already give up going to school for longer than that).

That's how it feels now...and I don't know if you can understand. Imagine you only have one chance but things are always getting worse and you don't have the energy any more to push yourself. If you know my story of life then you know why I give up more easily.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The decay of values

Almost winter...

It snowed today for the first time this year, at least in my area. And Halloween was recently too. I know some people like the new customs that have been coming up here in europe (Desi) but I'm against it. My english teacher described it in the best way: "Halloween is how the Americans teach their children how capitalism works".

It used to be a day of remembering the dead, now it's just another commercial holiday just like valentine's day (i don't need to explain what i think about that day,do i?). The only thing I like about Halloween is the horror movies that they don't seem to show so much any more, instead it's rather family entertainment. But I do like pumpkin soup.

Speaking of tv, that's the next thing I want to complain about. It's fascinating how decadent this society is. I just watched tv, some infotainment show that's supposed to inform people about science, nature and all that stuff. And what did they show this time, between 7 and 8pm? Well... a very half-true report on the female orgasm. And no, it was not that much scientific. It was disgusting. All the time they had this camera view going through keyhole,then there was something that I would call a sex scene (not the toughest stuff but not what I would want my kids to watch either), then came something pseudo-scientific, then the next keyhole scene. My goodness, what has this world become. It was quarter past 7 in the evening.

What else can I complain about? There can be many things, I guess. Mostly it's how terribly fast everything is falling apart. The moral on tv, the german language, human values... crazy. My mum's pedicurist lately told her some horror stories too. One about a cat he had to kill because half it's body had been smashed in a car accident. The other one was more gruesome. A couple in his family had aborted a child because her husband had said he didn't want a third child, then she felt guilty and woops, now she's pregnant again. Let me recapulate: A couple has two children, they don't give the slightest shit about prevention, she becomes pregnant, gets her unborn child removed, feels guilty and then, probably on purpose, gets pregnant again to replace the child that spooks around in her mind because she killed it. I'm not one of the people who are as fundamental as to say that abortion is murder, but in some cases I just think: I'm worried about the future of this planet. If people are so free of intelligence, so free of common sense, then what must their parents have done wrong? More importantly: What's the next generation going to be like? Will most crimes become normal because there's no one who cares any more? Is everything okay then?

I'm lucky if I don't need to see that happen. I don't expect the generation after me to move away from their seats on a bus when an old man like me comes and needs a seat urgently. I don't expect them to be nice to me either. But I have to expect much more than I can imagine. One of the reasons why young people nowadays should seriously think about education before they get kids...coz the society doesn't contribute much to a good character. It's either the parents or no one at all.

I could go on and on. Some things in this world are ridiculous. Religion could be one of them, but I guess it won't help me if I think about this again. I have my opinion and I don't think that I have to be ashamed of it. And the other things... well, many people will think that I exaggerate. Maybe I do, but what I do primarily is to scetch a picture of how the world's not totally accurate but you might realize how close it gets when you are the one who's affected.