Monday, May 29, 2017

Total Confusion

Currently my life is a mess. I have lost track of almost everything that is important. I have two bank accounts, one of which I need to close, and in order to do so, I need to move all the in and outs of the account into the other. I also need to change the PIN because I can't remember two PINs.

I have lots of documents lying around. I can't remember how to log into the online banking because of the two accounts. I'm so confused with passwords and PINs I think I might need a PIN for my passport.

Then there is shit I wanted to do a year ago, like open a message board for my commercial blog. Haven't done that and all the comments from half a year ago until now are unprocessed (not public, not denied, nothing) so people must be wondering what's wrong.

I've lost track of everything to the point where I might even forget very important things. Even to-do lists keep piling up.

The problem is: I can't breathe. I'm so stuck with everyday housework like ironing that I can't get the "one time tasks" done.

It's not that I don't have time. I have plenty of it. But I'm exhausted to the point where I don't WANT to do anything any more. When I get home (which is around 1pm already), I can be glad if I can get ONE small thing done, like taking out the trash.

I don't know what exactly the problem is. It started getting impossible about a year ago when we had a water leak in our house and we were moving from one place to another at the same time. It was just too much stress, and since then I've always been in the "just get me out of here" mode. Not referring to the place. I'm referring to the situation of wanting to be past something... getting it behind me without having to do anything anymore.

It's like I have a mountain to climb, but I don't even know where to start. I also notice a phenomenon called "vom Hundertsten ins Tausendste kommen", which roughly means that when you say or do something, you divert or digress into smaller and smaller things.

A fictional example to explain this: I want to take out the trash. A task so simple. But then, I notice that I'm out of bags. So I need to go to the grocery where they sell bags. But then it rains and I need to spend 10 minutes looking for an umbrella. Then I notice I'm out of money and need to withdraw cash. Then I notice the ATM broke down. Etc. etc.

This is what life feels like. It is especially terrible when I want to cook, because then I need to clean stuff, find stuff, sort stuff, and then I can basically tear my own stomach out before I can eat.

Going on vacation only temporarily helps... in fact, I think the whole planning makes things worse, because you find yourself doing more and more paperwork, tasks and chores.