Monday, May 21, 2007

Something wrong with me?

One worry comes, one worry goes (or at least there is hope). I prayed for some meaningful dreams, and without knowing I had one and later realized it. There is no reason to be overoptimistic, it's just that one door opened up today, and it is more the fact that some people were proven wrong (teachers, employment office) than the chance of making something possible. It only matters that there are options that make it possible for me to combine different things in the future. Right now it's enough to know about them, no need to decide yet.

That was the good thing. What gives hope is that the two things that came up today came in a way that's acceptable. The worry was an old worry, and when you think about it, you realize there is nothing new about it. It was there from the start and all that's different is that is has been discussed more. It is clearer now, or maybe it isn't? At least it is there now, where it belongs, so there is no way of saying it wasn't visible. The other thing is new, and it is a good thing. So what else can we ask for? Does it make it a good or a bad day?

I try to be careful. But what is that anyway... I don't feel so much wiser, somehow I feel broken and easily depressed, and most of all confused and sensitive. I'm not the kind of person who wants to rip someone's head off, I'm too sensitive for that. Not the kind of person who judges over people that way, though I judge in a different way, not with anger, more with feelings of stepping away carefully and with fears. It's never turning away, never. It's only a small child's response. I can respond with anger, but it takes different things for that. When I make an angry impression on the outside, it's only impatience or frustration. Inside what goes on is uncertainty and feelings of resignation, maybe that describes it.

We live in the present, and indeed it's May now. Not July. One day we will look back and see what actually happened. If the worries turned out to be useless like last time, I will take it easy, knowing I can't rely on luck all my life and that it's never bad to only rely on things and people you can rely on. I hope I will not find out my worries are justified. The option between those two is that it doesn't even happen that certain people show what they are capable of in a bad way. We will see. Still so much time to become so much wiser.

Right now the feeling is restlessness. I will also feel different tomorrow, but I don't know if I will feel much better, because I'm the kind of person who can't stop a question from being asked once it comes up. There's either an answer to it immediately or I comfort myself with something like "soon...soon". My comfort is that we can find out more before the drama starts.

Nevertheless, I'm sensitive because I can't stop feeling accused when situations like the one now take place. On the one hand I said what I thought should have been said, on the other hand I feel guilty because I seem to be totally incapable of understanding other people. Do I act like it's not clear though it is clear what I try to say? Did it help that I said something? Am I supposed to shut up next time? And apart from that: What do I say when someone feels bad, but all I can say is that it doesn't change the sad facts? Does it make me a typical guy if I don't know what to do with someone's feelings? How to react? I wish I could show the compassion I feel, but at the same time I feel the urge to convey that it's not a good time to be sentimental.

It's a curse when you feel like you know something, yet at the same time whenever you open your mouth it causes frustration. Maybe I should just shut up for good because I will see what I got. I will either see a good surprise or I will see that things go wrong if I don't assist. I seriously have to stop trying to manipulate the course of events. Whatever happens, it will lead to something good, I guess. We will be wiser. We will learn something.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Focus and distraction

I will post now so I don't miss the May post.

Funny how life always finds something that you can worry about, and even if it's the same topic, it appears in different colours and shades.

This is the right time to be aggressive and powerful, so depression won't swallow you. Anger is more useful than despair.

Amazing how some people do things you can only shake your head about. But then again there are useful actions to take against them. I think I will have to consider the block option too, sooner or later.

Possible plans for this weekend: Music. Reading. Watching funny clips on the internet that make you cry tears of laughter. They work against the permanent voices that try to turn you into a monster. Can't let them win.

What does God say when I tell Him that I think life is so much easier if you don't worry? Am I not supposed to worry anyway, does He allow me to take a break knowing that my life might be long enough not to hurry, what does He think anyway?

Funny and absurd how life works. At school I'm popular, people consider me to be likeable, I even come to think that my hairstyle has emphasized on my personality. Apart from that, it even happened today at English grammar classes that people react to whether I nod or shake my head after someone said something. So I'm their source of wisdom. Funny.

At school things look good and I never thought I'd say that school is a positive distraction. It's just like sleep because you let go of thoughts. If you're wondering about it, it has a scientific reason. Distraction of any kind allows the subconscious mind to process the data in your brain, and to solve problems.... like knots.

It's a good thing, this distraction. And sometimes we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We should even be modest. I would already consider myself lucky to have a good life and to be happy with the special person who doesn't have series (doesn't have to make sense in case anyone else reads this).

Hmm... long time since I wrote a song. Good therapy too. Ah... must relax now. Let a calm phase of life start so we have enough energy for the tasks ahead of us. Full concentration please. Here we go.