Sunday, October 30, 2005


Yesterday,there was a demonstration in the city. The NPD, a nationalist party, sent out her nazi-demonstrats to walk around everywhere and make some of their messages public. The police had the very unmerciful duty to protect them,since it was a legal demonstration and the nazis,who were only a few hundreds,had to face a counter movement of thousands of people from all political backgrounds. They made blockades and tried to interrupt the nazis in moving on on their route. There were some violent happenings as far as the newspapers said today.

I wasn't there and i don't want to have anything to do with this,but after reading an article today that had nothing to do with what happened yesterday,i thought that,maybe,i should have taken part in the counter-demonstration too. Thanks to Tom for showing this article on his blog. Here it is:

The first thing i thought was,this has to be a joke. And if it is a joke,then i'm glad,but i fear it's not a joke. It's really sad that we live in such a world and that it is allowed that things like that happen. That young people get poisoned by this thing called 'propaganda'. It has a negative meaning but the 'white nationalists',as they are called in the article,use it as if it's something good. Well, 'good' stands for many things.
I have to say one thing though: These people think they know what they are talking about,but they have no idea. They think they are good nazis,but even at this,they suck. Because they don't have the slightest idea of what happened in the 30s and 40s of the last century. If someone knows all this,has seen the cruel pictures,like smoke from dead bodies coming out of industry chimneys,and then says he still agrees with the nazi-ideals,then he is a monster but at least he is an informed monster. But the white nationalists,they don't even know what they are doing. I mean,it's easy to come up with racist views but still know nothing at all.

And what i hate about this is that they always include germany in everything. They praise the german leaders who spread these messages and who brought so much terror over the world. But as i said,they have no idea about anything. All they do is weaken our reputation once more,because there are still people who believe that germany is a national socialistic country, or that the germans are evil to the bone. Isn't it strange that our country in fact is one of the most peace-loving? That you can't come up with a nazi demonstration without having much more anti-nazis than nazis? Is that all coincidence...or did history teach 'us' something maybe?

I really don't know what goes on in the minds of those people. Perhaps they got something wrong,forgot who the good and who the bad ones are. The only thing that seems clear to me is that they are very primitive. The easiest way out of problems is to blame a minority. A minority in the country of course. Coz the 'aryan race' surely isn't that big any more nowadays.

What came to my attention recently is that we have to face certain sorts of extremism nowadays. Politically but also religiously. I mean,when i hear someone say "i'm proud to be christian" then i frown a little,coz it sounds amazingly similar to "i'm proud to be white". I just don't it necessary to stress it that much? The war between the religions isn't that obvious yet,but this war,that isn't actually religious but rather due to social reasons, gets called a religious war. I get the feeling that things go out of control a little.

It's just like a gas explosion in the dark. You can't see anything,but you smell something. You wonder what it is,and you refuse to believe you are in danger. You look for a match to turn on the light. And as soon as the fire starts to burn...boom.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The song that never was

Last night,I had a dream where I could hear a song. And I talked about this song, there was something special about the piano that was playing in the background,so i explained that to someone in the dream. It must have been interesting, and it could have been turned into a song in real life. But when i awoke from this dream,i was too sleepy to write the dream down,or to get up and play it on the keyboard. Too bad...because songs that come out of dreams are often very dreamy,versatile and coltish...if that's the right word.

I remember several songs that came out of my dreams. In 2000,i woke up one morning,it was on a weekend and i had slept in,and i had this melody in my mind. Just a faint sound. Three notes. But it turned into a song that I still call one of the best i've written so far. I didn't record it yet,it's something i wanted to save for when i'm more experienced with recording.

Some years later,i dreamed about a song again. In the dream,i thought it was a New Order song,so it was sad that it was already "taken". When i woke up,i realized it was created in my sleeping mind. So i took it as the verse melody for a song that i had already started writing. As far as i remember,the dream already had lyrics that fit to the song that i was working on,so it was a verse written for this song during sleep.

The most impressive song-creating dream i ever had was many months ago,but not years ago yet. It was before i knew i would meet Marit Larsen,before i even knew it would be really possible to meet her. In that dream, she was sitting on a bed,with a guitar in her hand. It took place in a small room,i think the walls were green. Behind her was a window. Somehow,she was having visitors, or maybe i was the only one there,i don't know. But what i never forgot was how she,the girl with the blonde hair, sang and played the guitar. She sang a song,so beautiful it could have made me cry,even after i woke up. It was impressive. My idol sang for me. When i woke up, i wrote everything down. I had melodies for verse and chorus,plus some lyrics for the verse and lyrics for the chorus. So it was quite complete. The last line before the chorus,something i still remember her sing,was "sometimes i commit myself,sometimes i let it go". You have to know,at that time,i didn't know if these lyrics made any sense at all. But it looks like it does make sense...usually,when someone sings in a dream in a foreign language,then it doesn't necessarily make sense. Anyway,the chorus was just yippie-ya-yay all over,but not in a happy way. It's more like a sad chorus,trying to show the superficiality of this hurray hurray world that isn't so hurray at all. That's how I interpreted it. In some way,it feels like this is more Marit's than my song. Haha...too bad i didn't mention this to her when i met her.

There were other dreams of this kind. I just thought i'd mention this. Maybe,if i had written down dreams more diligently,i would now have a new song in my list. A future #1 hit. A song that changed the world. Or nothing at all. Who knows what impact a song can have, and what changes when it's stillborn.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

The world through the eyes of disabled people

Today, a 3-days seminar ended for me. It had to do with my job. We work with disabled people in different institutions. What we did during this seminar was to discuss our experiences in the first weeks,and then we went on and found out what it's like to spend time in a wheelchair. Not just for a few minutes. Each of us was in a wheelchair for one and a half hours,and we did had to act as if we were disabled people. We had tasks to do,like try to enter shops (no matter if they had stairs or not), get into a bus, ask around,see how passengers react.
The results were interesting. People around us were very helpful,only some of them,especially kids, looked alienated. The problem was that most places aren't very good for the disabled to enter. If you wanna buy a book, others have to carry you around and lift you up a lot of stairs. And now imagine you can't find the book you're looking for and have to be lifted down all the stairs for nothing.

On day three,which was today,we went to an organisation, Selbsthilfe Körperbehinderte e.V. , basically a place where help gets organized for disabled people,by other disabled men and women. They get young,healthy students to assist the disabled ones. We had an interview with someone who seemed like he was okay,but it took a while to realize what was wrong with him. Actually you can't say something was "wrong". He talked and moved like a normal person, i wouldn't have thought anything. Then he told us the story of his life. That he had some kind of a stroke years ago,in his brain. He lost the ability to speak although the words were right in his head,but as if his mouth had been taped,he couldn't utter them. And the right half of his body gives him a lot of trouble. The way he talked about all this was very emotional and moving. He didn't lose his sense of humor,he was smiling a lot and he invented instruments to be used by people in his situation. I have to say...respect.

Somehow it's good to get to know people like that. I mean, if we wanted to live our lifes in complete awareness,we'd have to escape from death in a big accident...something we never forget and that reminds us of how short life could be. That's of course something none of us would like to experience. But this experience...being reminded of how lucky we all are,is important sometimes. Whether it's the stories of WW2 that i heard from my grandfathers sometimes, or the bad fate of relatives and friends,or total strangers. Happiness is awareness of where we stand in life,always compared to what we are used to and what we know. There's the treasure of personal and non-personal experience,and it makes us to what we are. Someone who has always been rich and loses all his money,but is healthy and has a loving family,will not easily recognize that he didn't lose everything. But it's possible he will never be as happy as someone who is not so rich,hasn't found true love yet and is slightly sick,but has escaped death or war.

It's you people out there think you could be happy without something you really want at the moment,or something you have and don't want to let go of? I think if you lost one half of your body to paralysation,or you lost would have to say goodbye to someone you wanted to keep close to you,then you would be unhappy for very long. All of us would. And still,we would have to be glad that we still have other things....but we can't,can we? It's easy to say we could be happy,but we don't want to be satisfied when something good disappears from our sight. It lies in the human nature that we strive for more than what we have now. You can try to look at the other side, and try to be happy because you always have more than these unlucky ones. But at some point,you start looking at the top again...

Hm...what did i want to say...i don't know. I just hope i never lose something that means a lot to me,you know. It hurts to fall deeper than you've been before,even if there are deeper depths.

I will end this entry with a nice poem i recently discovered. Not sure if the english translation i found on the net does it any justice,but i like it. Maybe it fits to the resignation of those i talked about in this entry. All in all,it stands for being unable to fulfill your ambitions...judge it yourself.

Rainer Maria Rilke
The Panther

His vision from the passing of the bars
is grown so weary that it holds no more.
To him it seems there are a thousand bars
and behind a thousand bars no world.

The padding gait of flexibly strong strides,
that in the very smallest circle turns,
is like a dance of strength around a center
in which stunned a great will stands.

Only sometimes the curtain of the pupil
soundlessly parts –. Then an image enters,
goes through the tensioned stillness of the limbs –
and in the heart ceases to be.

original german version:

Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe
so müd geworden, daß er nichts mehr hält.
Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe
und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt.

Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte,
der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht,
ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte,
in der betäubt ein großer Wille steht.

Nur manchmal schiebt der Vorhang der Pupille
sich lautlos auf –. Dann geht ein Bild hinein,
geht durch der Glieder angespannte Stille –
und hört im Herzen auf zu sein.

Monday, October 24, 2005


I have been fascinated by this writer for a couple of months. We had him as a major topic at german classes for a whole semester, read one novel by him ("the metamorphosis") and a couple of short stories. You can read one of them here .

What's fascinating about Kafka is that he writes in a bizarre way. His stories are surreal, unemotional, cold, cruel, sometimes dream like, sometimes written like reports. The first sentence of a novel or short story often reveals a lot of information and draws the reader instantly. Just one example:

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a gigantic insect.

Then what's also special is that "unreal" situations like the transformation into an insect are often very isolated in the novel. There are no further dream like or unreal situations,and there's never an explanation,never a wondering about the bizarre event that took place.

When you have finished reading,you start thinking what the story means. You can approach it in any way you want,you can try to interpret it, and you can try to imagine what the author meant. But you are always left with questions. The story somehow teaches you something, but it doesn't say what and it's up to you to guess the meaning...or create a meaning in your mind. The meaning is open and locked at the same time.

I ordered "The trial" and "In the penal colony". I'm not sure if i will be able to read any of these novels since i have stuff to read for the next weeks (thanks to someone ;) ) but i knew i'd read Kafka again some day. Maybe it's this uncertainty and doubtfulness that always surrounded this man,his work and his life that make him interesting for people like me. He finds words for the indescribable while not telling anything at the same time. It's already impossible to describe it. There's a word for this kind of style,invented just for him,and it's called kafkaesque so that shows how special his writing style is.

Let's see if i still like him when i read these two novels...

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Quaestio,Quaestionis ; feminine. - question,interrogation,inquiry

There are days when you don't know if you should be happy,angry or sad. Or everything together. I had a lot of pleasure today,and a little bit of disappointment and angryness towards the end. But tonight,i won't cry after my (temporarily) lost talent. I'm too old to let it cross my way like that. Not now,not tonight. At the moment,there is only one single thing that, by its absence,its disappearing,fading or total loss,could destroy me completely. But it's not music.

One of the things i have to change in my life is the way i switch between pessimism,realism and optimism. For me,they are all important. I wouldn't want to live without the pessimist in me. It's because of my history. I need to have low goals sometimes,because if i fly to high and fall, i will not,like others,stand up again. I will curse myself and be unforgiving,i will be my worst enemy. That's my father complex,coz he was the one who was as strict with me as i am now. That's not supposed to put the blame on him now,i'm done with this. I'm just letting you readers know i know why i am like that.

Pessimist,realist and optimist all have their advantages,and in my life i have been all of them at some point. I try to be a realist with optimistic ambitions,but i try to keep all expectations down like a pessimist. It's better to expect the worst and hope for the best than expect something that won't happen in the end. A pessimist is someone who is secretly a humble person...because he doesn't expect to have a good life.

My big problem is that,apart from these three attitudes, is this: I worry too much. I don't think it has to do with pessimism. I wouldn't mix that up here. I don't think in a pessimistic way,i just think too much. Other people enjoy their lives,but it's hard for me to do because i'm a person who is hungry spiritually. I have to find answers where there's no answer yet. I'm not calm enough when the look goes into the future. How do you call that?

Does it make me a negative person when i can't stop to ask questions towards life? Am i a pessimist when i don't want to just live but know what happens after life? Is it wrong to keep wondering about all this?
I know i'm not alone with this. What keeps me fascinated and shocked is that there's often no way of knowing. I'm bound by the answerless questions. What happens after death? What happens in one year? How will (important event) turn out to be? What's the meaning of life?

I've been wondering for long. It gets complicated,but it gets interesting too. Maybe it's not me who is weak,maybe the ones who can't tolerate to think about stuff like that are weak. They focus on the here and now,trying not to let go what they have. At least i prepare myself.

I'm not depressed or happy,i'm just curious. Where will my mind lead me when i walk in the woods the next time. What will the next dream i dream tell me. What will the readers of this blog think about what i say here. And why does it always feel like i wrote nonsense when i've finished an entry.

To be or not to be,that is the question.

Monday, October 17, 2005

New beginning with zerø creativity

I thought about some things that might help me solve the problem. But it's not certain if it will really be helpful. The first thing is,i have to stop writing lyrics until i have the feeling i really have an idea. Then there are other ways to go about it. I can take someone else's lyrics and try to make a song out of it,and then replace the lyrics by my own when i know the melody (makes it easier to write). Or i take a couple of chords and try to sing a melody out of it,which makes me avoid the melody problem, coz i've been hitting the same notes on the keyboard when i tried to write melodies. Writing melodies on the guitar won't work,i suck at the guitar. The fact that i have a dust-collecting guitar since 2002 doesn't excuse this. I really can't do anything with a guitar.

What else is possible...
-Buy a new instrument
-Try to get inspired in my dreams
-Get drugs (i won't)
-Get drunk (i won't)
-Travel (not yet,no money)
-Get out,meet friends, get involved into social life,do crazy things (that's not me)
-Frame Marit's autograph and put it on the wall,in hopeful awaiting of inspiration coming from the words and the paper touched by Marit (possible but not probable)

If it makes me angry to write a song,then i will throw everything away and do something more enjoyable but less meaningful. I know how to waste my life,i'm an expert at this. My life requires new methods,and the golden rule is,when life is good,then you're in a creative crisis. When you're in a midlife or quarterlife crises, you are a genius at music.

Okay. So i'm too happy. I won't complain.

What else is there to report. Nothing i suppose. I don't have to talk about my walk in the woods that i did the other day. Nothing happened. And i don't have to talk about what happened with my online friends,you can read it in their blogs. And i don't have to talk about anything else either,nothing big seems to happen. The only thing i can say now is,life can be so boring that the ticking of the new clock i got is so penetrating it feels like an earthquake. So this is how it feels. It's good that i have to go to work again tomorrow,my ass hurts and i think it will have to be amputated if nothing happens soon. Now you see how exciting my life really is.

And just so you know,yesterday i was depressed just because of this songwriting and the following chain reaction. I get too much into thinking,and the result isn't good at all. But I must say it's nice to get some encouragement from ppl. Of course only useful encouragement.

What i have to do in the next days and week is to find a way out of my stagnation at a high level. Ahhh... i don't know how to make useful sentences any more. I will quickly press the button to publish this before i delete it all. *Sighs*

Sunday, October 16, 2005


One of the feelings i hate the most is when i try something harder and harder-and fail. And i become so angry that my state of mind becomes counterproductive for what i am trying to do,so i fail more.
That i am empty and out of inspiration at music instruments wasn't new for me. And i know i have to live with the fact that i can't get the slightest new melody out of an instrument any more. Instead of this,when i try to play random notes,i end up playing the same notes or patterns all over again,as if i was magically forced to play the same stuff. Okay,i can live with that. Very good for my self-confidence in an ironic way. What i don't like is that now my whole head stops to be at my service. I have lost all my talent. I can't write lyrics any more. I tried hard,and i tried to think of a topic to write about,but even that is totally impossible. You gotta know,it's pretty hard to write a song even when you know what you want to write about. But writing a song when you don't even know a topic is impossible. More impossible than meeting a famous person.
So here it is, i can stamp "failure", "loser" or "uncreative" with big red letters on my forehead. Would suit me well. Argh!I wonder why this has to be. For every good thing in my life,i have to suffer somewhere else. The more i fail at this, the more i wanna throw away all my interest and passion for music. There are enough things that i COULD write about: The fear of the future,the quarrel with the awareness of ones death, the problem that we live in a world that forces us to believe certain ideas from our childhood on. Many things. But that's not where the writing process can start. I need concrete ideas for the song. With what words it will start,what stylistic means it will have,if it's a story,or maybe more a list of important words. Is "You" or "I" used in it. How do i adress the listener. So many questions. But nothing comes up and i'm sick of this. Music is not fun any more,not like this. What i have is a couple of so far unused melodies, i got some of them in dreams i had at night. But i'm afraid that my career in music might be over. I lost my talent,whether temporarily or not,and i'm about to lose my patience. I don't like to struggle all the time. I only do things that work at once. One of my flaws, i don't do anything that takes too much effort. That's something that explains me being suicidal at times. I tend to give everything up before i have to face a fight.
So what does all this teach me? That it's better not to try to write a song at all? Better wait for this once-in-4-months hit of inspiration? I don't know. All i know is that trying to write songs leaves a bitter taste in my mind everytime i fail. Music is supposed to be a pleasure for me,but i take it personal if it doesn't work. It's my personal failure when something like this happens. For a moment,i forgot about this. When i sat down to write i thought "oh it can't be that hard,and it can't be that frustrating...i must have been in a bad mood when i last tried it". But it's true,it really makes me hate this hobby.
Now imagine this was something i had to do to live from it. Most impossible. Under pressure i can't do this at all i suppose. Now i'm filled with hate,but i can't find words for it or notes. And writing a song about writer's block is more than poor.
So what is left to do when the intuitive,creative brain half doesn't work, and the logical,word-seeking half can't help either? All i can do is turn away from music in anger. But on the other hand, who cares. Do i need music to be happy? No. If it's supposed to be like that,okay. My producer couldn't write songs for a whole year once,and i think this time might begin in my life about now. Not very good for me, but that's what seems to happen. I can only produce some old songs i still have,then i've run out of ideas. Would be a good time to quit producer lessons, i could need the money somewhere else. A bad thing though. But i have to face a very sad fact: Since 2001 my creativity went down more and more. I wrote less good songs every year. I can't say it in numbers,but i know that's the way it is. Life has over-satisfied me. All that could be expressed now is beyond all expressable emotions,both good and bad. There's no words and melodies for my thankfulness in some things,and there's no way to describe the sorrow and the worries of the limitations of my life. I see them a lot and almost every day. I look into the face of a disabled person and think "that could happen to someone in your family too". Or i read about someone who died and think "you will lose people that are close to you too". Or i think of the small but depressingly unchangeable little things that separate my views from other ppl's views. And i think of how my parents and other ppl influenced me in such a way that i don't know what's right or wrong.
That's another topic at the moment for me. But i can't explain it. I drift away from everything, i'm lost somewhere. Maybe i should write a song about that...oh no,wait. I don't want to get into the mood to commit suicide. Coz that would happen if i go on with (trying to do) songwriting...
RIP songwriting career?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Male psychology

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Time to talk about something that's got nothing to do with my life,or just a little. I sometimes philosophy or think about some topics. And i make up my own theories. This post is dedicated to all the girls who have a boyfriend and who might wonder why he is strange in some way...and with that i mean why he might be looking at other girls, think of other girls,flirt with other girls,have playboy wallpapers in his room and so on. The person who inspired me to this is Shida. You can check out her blog,it's in my link list. Very nice to read (her blog i mean).

Where do we start. Okay,first of all,the male homo sapiens underlies very low and simple principles. Depending on his intelligence,the social status and the education,it's more or less important for him to show his male strength,which often means his sexual power. A lot of the things i will talk about have to do with something we call Adlerscher Machttrieb (check for Alfred Adler for further information). In other words, it's all about the drive for power. It starts in everybody's childhood,no matter if it's girl or boy. I have to leave out a lot of the basic stuff,but what you have to know is that a human being always strives for power,recognition and all kinds of stuff that have to do with that.

At some point in time, the male human being is through with the inner-family fights,and the days of peer pressure (commiting small crimes,doing risky things) are over too. Then comes the stage when he has to face the real world,and that means to prove himself as a real man. He has to show everybody that he knows how to get chicks, how to check out "hawwwwt chicas" and stuff. So you get the idea,it's his "duty" to get into contact with as many girls as possible,to stand this test of nature in front of his (male) friends and himself.

Additionally,he has a program built in that forces him to act like this. In primitive times,if you believe in the theory that there was a stone age, it was important for the man to produce offspring very quickly. It wasn't the man's role to take care of the household (cavehold in early days). He had to hunt,collect berries and have sexual contact with as many women as possible. Also in competition with other men who wanted to spread their genes. Now think for a second: Is there any reason why the male program,the thinking pattern,the male psychology should change? No. That's clear. As clear as the fact that a life form like a plant doesn't need a brain for the simple reason that it cannot move and thus doesn't need a very expensive development (expensive in evolution terms) like a thinking machine.
And there we are. The male brain still has the same sex instincts as many years ago. That's the reason why boyfriends act like this. Let's look at the consequences.

What you have to know is that nowadays, a lot of things DID change. In the good old days,when a naked woman and a naked men met in the middle of the african bushes, it happened that the man got horny and did what you can clearly imagine now. He was the leader of a group of women and children and he had to make sure there will be ppl who take care of him when he is old. Same like today. Now back to the present. You can imagine that the average man thinks about sex much more often than he gets the chance to apply sex. And he still has the same program. So when he sees an attractive girl, he thinks of sex but he cannot jump at her of course. That's something he cannot do at that moment. The consequence is that he has to find a compensation for his sexual drive,so he has to flirt a lot,look at a girl's butt (even if he walks hand in hand with his girlfriend while he does that!) or make compliments.

The most important thing is that there's a clear border between thinking and doing. And between feelings and mere sexual drives. I think it's okay if a guy dreams of having sex with another girl than his own girlfriend, and Sigmund Freud would agree with me since he thinks that the dream has the function to make the dreamer live out his innermost sexual wishes. The difference is just, the sexual aspect is only a physical thing,and it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand,that does NOT mean that it's okay if a guy flirts with other girls all the time when he has a girlfriend. You have to pay tribute to the beast in yourself,but you have to be a socially intelligent person at the same time. We have highly developed structures,morals and values. It's what separates us from the ppl we were supposed to be thousands (millions?) of years ago.

Here's what's acceptable (+) and not acceptable (-) in my opinion. Girls should tolerate it and guys shouldn't worry about it. But there's of course limits everywhere.

+ guy dreams about having sex with someone who is not his gf once in a while
+ guy finds a girl physically attractive
+ guy imagines the girl naked (but dismisses the thought and doesn't go horny when he has a gf)
+ guy makes compliments to an attractive girl, but doesn't offend or humiliate his girlfriend

- guy dreams about having sex with someone who is not his gf all the time
- guy thinks of a different girl while having sex
- guy flirts with a girl who is not his gf
- guy imagines a girl who is not his gf naked, or imagines having sex with her for a long period of time, while being lusty about it
- guy looks at other girls' butts in a very obvious way and intendedly

I could add points. By the way,everyone is invited to comment on this.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Always remember October...

Dear friends,

It's been 3 months since we came together (my girl and me). And as if it's another reminder that destiny is on our side, the letter she wrote to me a whole while ago arrived here today. No yesterday,not tomorrow,and not when letters usually arrive here. It took very long and we both had been ready to accept the mail got lost on the way,and that it would have been good if it would just come back to her. But now it arrived here at my adress, finally. Too bad i always feel tired and can't find time to really lie down somewhere to read it in silence once more. I have to work hard these days so i need to find time another day. Also to start working on this project i announced recently.

What can i say about October,about these 3 months (almost typed years ;) hehe) and this year,2005. You shouldn't praise the day before the evening has come,as we say here,but i'll write down some thoughts.

October is one of those months of thinking,like fall and winter are for me in general. Thinking months. In October,the leaves fall down,they've turned yellow,brown,red. The mornings are cold,sometimes the sky is filled with red clouds. You can hear car tires drive over wet asphalt. You smell a fresh wind of wet air and grass. The sound of the birds sounds different. Instead of happy (and still annoying) summer sounds you hear the cawing and screaming of crows and ravens. October makes me think.
And these three months of our relationship are just the beginning of something that i hope will be beautiful and everlasting. There are days when i feel depressed and i'm scared she won't accept me,coz how do i know that the "me" i am to her now is the "me" i am to her when we meet next year. Both is me,but there are different ways that it shows,and there's the Mike that doesn't let everything close and the Mike that can open up,but it's hard to tell how it will be. On other days,i'm optimistic, coz i know we do have a chance. I know she isn't perfect either and she surely would like to have someone who holds her and tells her that she is what she is,special. And i know that she would only have to tell me to go on and i'd go on forever with these things.
Time will show,but that doesn't mean that i want to let things go their own way. I'm not into "let's see if it works". I really wanna make it work. I know i can't do much but i don't want to make it sound as if i don't care. I care a lot and i wish,hope,and pray for success.
Three months weren't much when you look at what it did cost. We had to go through doubts and a little pain sometimes,and we will have that coming again and again,but i see good times coming too. Everytime she smiles,she makes all the things disappear that tortured me.

About this year...
I've mentioned it a lot and i don't want to bore anyone. Maybe i'll write again about this when december comes,but i can say a little now. 2005 was good. No doubt. It's all about how it turns out to be when it's over and how much time you spent being happy and sad. In 2 months i can say if it turned out good or bad,but no matter what,i felt loved for the first time. And i wanna say that i felt loved by a lot of ppl. And if you,dear reader,are one of the ppl who know me and if we chatted this year and you have the feeling we're friends, then you can be sure i'm talking of you too now. I'm glad for all the good ppl who made me feel good. Some of you gave me good advice. Sometimes it was just a book that you recommended that i bought and read, and it made sense and i got a little,just a little bit of experience and wisdom from it. But still a little bit that i don't wanna miss. Others were there when times got rough,and without them,i don't know if i would write this now. There were just a few days this year when the anguish and agony of this world didn't seem bearable any more. I could have stopped breathing this year,but i endured thanks to you guys and girls.

For some reason,the songs that i work on in the studio of my producer always have some resemblance to the real life in the here and now. I will soon finish a song that was written in 2002 as far as i remember. But when i wrote it i had the feeling that the moment when it felt appropriate would still be far away. Now it feels right to record this song. This song stands for getting older,becoming independent, starting to live your life. I made a big step into the right direction this year. The song conveys some of this feeling to the listener...maybe you will find yourself there too.

I wish i had more free time. Time to sleep in and to sit down to make music. I could get into a trance again and play for hours. Getting lost in these songs i love. Coz i love a little bit of melancholy here and there,that's me. I just love these songs that express a certain feeling,whatever it may be,but there's still this little bit of imperfection there. Something you can't have,something you miss,something that's still not right. What would life be if we were satisfied completely,with nothing to aim for at all. Yeah,maybe we would be happy, but then again,we don't have a choice anyway.

For today,i will be happy for what i do have. If i let her know that she's the reason for my happiness,every day in every way, then i can't go wrong.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The torture of knowing too much,of thinking too much

Life is always moving in little circles. There's always a point where you notice you've c0me across a problem before,or a situation,or a feeling. My problem is that i think too much because i wonder too much about what keeps the world together and what the meaning of life is. The situation is that I receive something from somewhere that makes me think and then i can't let go of the thinking. And the feeling is that i become desperate for a moment and have to stop or i will become so depressed i'd rather kill myself than facing the problem itself (i won't kill myself).

How do i explain. I'm confronted by the question what life is about. It's difficult to talk about this, but lately i've become aware of how easy it would be to lose someone. Imagine anyone you love. Imagine the person you love the most,no matter who it is. Now ask yourself, if he or she dies, what happens then? Not to you, but to that person. What did he/she believe that happens after death? Does this person's view of life and death harmonize with your own idea? Will you see this person again?

You can keep on asking questions, i only gave you a few of them to think. Independently from what people i love believe, i don't have a religion or faith at the moment. I believe in love and i believe in some sort of good nature in human beings. The only thing i try to do is to live my life in the best way for others and myself. I try not to hate,i try to be helpful and good. And i cherish the good things about life,whether it's love, silence, or beauty. Or of course music.
But there's something that has to happen after life. If someone could prove that there's no god and no life after death (nobody can or will),then we all could at least know what we have and then we would know that our actions on this planet we live in,in the one life we have,define us as what we will be remembered as,and that we can only give a meaning to our life by leaving something behind for others to see. We could dedicate our life to what is most important for us, and everyone could see what we died for in the end.

But now the situation is different. We don't know what happens,and what we think that happens is a question of believing. Religion is just one part of it. It's not only what happens after life,it's also how does everything work. Is there destiny. Is everything destined to happen some way, why is there so much violence and so much disease and death in this world. Who is right and who is wrong, and how can i ever,ever be sure that what i believe is right. And if i believe in something, how do i know i won't be judged and sent to suffer a cruel punishment.

I'm a thinker.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Things to do

Here is what i will have to do in the next weeks:

-Contact a person who will put my video material from video cam to PC. Then i will put a short clip of my meeting with Marit online for the fans out there.

-Buy cables so i can finally record songs at home again (I also have to find out how this new program works)

-Start this new blog project with my girl. We'll let you know.

-Work. Not for fun,not for pleasure. Just to earn money. Money i need in order to do something that's important for the rest of my life, and for someone else too.

-Take good care of her,as always.

And i hope i will entertain my few readers a little. Sorry btw for making spelling mistakes,i'm a very furious writer. Once i start writer,i want to get over with it and finish the text quickly. So i don't read it again.

I will be very busy soon. I have to work from mondays to fridays,and this weekend, i have to take part in a first aid course. So saturday and sunday is nothing but work. At least i know what to do when a disabled person collapses. How nice. I'm looking forward to applying these techniques already.

But you know, i don't complain here. My life looks very good at the moment. Music isn't the main thing in my life,but i know i can fall back on it. And if it doesn't even take music to feel good,then it must be really good, coz usually i'd be either in a bad mood or too bored so i'd have to make music. But now, there is no "usual" any more. My life is so different from not even 12 months ago. And i could go on talking about 2005 now,but i'll do that later when it's reflection time again for me.
You will hear from me again. Take care,my friends. And remember what you DO have and not what you don't have. You might wanna slap yourself for not being aware of it once things go worse.

Monday, October 03, 2005

She loves me

I have to say something and i don't know how i can say it.

This girl who means happiness to me, and the girl i really love, she managed to beat everything that has been said between us. I don't want to quote it here, it's very personal. But what she said touched me, and it was the best i have ever heard. It's so much more than just a display of love and affection. There are things that go further than the standard. Dear readers, i have had many good experiences this year. So if i call anything the best this year, or even the best thing in my life so far, then you can bet it has to mean a lot, and i don't get impressed easily coz i have had the pleasure to have a lot of dreams being fulfilled lately. My meeting with Marit Larsen is history for 2 months now, today. But even 100 Marit meetings aren't enough to beat what happened to day.
My girl was in a sad mood, but she brought that sweetest words over her lips. I wish i could be able to express myself like this, just to let her know that i'm thankful, that i love her, and that i don't want anything but exactly the same with her that she wants with me.

The situation is different from other relationships, and if i told you about them, you might say it's stupid, or impossible, or that it's too early to say certain things. But then tell me why it feels so right and so good. And apart from that, there are not many ppl who would be able to lead such a relationship. It has to be very spiritual and not physical at all. So you get the idea.

Ppl sometimes ask me why i do some things concerning my relationship. Things like planning ahead several years, or getting involved so much, feeling-wise. I can tell you, it's simple. If it all goes wrong, does it change anything? I wanna love this girl and be with her, so i have to give everything i have. And i have to give up my defence and give her all the trust i can offer. I'm lost wether i give her all and it goes wrong or if i don't open up and lose her. But if don't lose her, if everything works, then it will pay off that i open myself for her. And we are determined to make it work. I cannot make a bet with the world, promising them we will make it through. But i promise you guys out there, you ppl who always doubt and critisize: I will knock on your door when it works and then i'll let you know that you should shut up. You know nothing because all you can do is talk about the impossible. I made the impossible come true, wether it's my personal impossibility or other impossible things. I know what impossible means. And what i wanna do with my girl is not impossible, it's somewhere between possible,likely,unlikely and stuff like that. But the chance exists. And tonight i was told good things, so the chance increased a lot. To not make it work,the whole world has to be against us. Or destiny. Coz me and her, that's something that will last. And only the outside could force us violently not to be together. But let's just wait...just wait...just wait....

And if YOU read this, i hope you know that i really care. And this is OUR dream.