There are days when you don't know if you should be happy,angry or sad. Or everything together. I had a lot of pleasure today,and a little bit of disappointment and angryness towards the end. But tonight,i won't cry after my (temporarily) lost talent. I'm too old to let it cross my way like that. Not now,not tonight. At the moment,there is only one single thing that, by its absence,its disappearing,fading or total loss,could destroy me completely. But it's not music.
One of the things i have to change in my life is the way i switch between pessimism,realism and optimism. For me,they are all important. I wouldn't want to live without the pessimist in me. It's because of my history. I need to have low goals sometimes,because if i fly to high and fall, i will not,like others,stand up again. I will curse myself and be unforgiving,i will be my worst enemy. That's my father complex,coz he was the one who was as strict with me as i am now. That's not supposed to put the blame on him now,i'm done with this. I'm just letting you readers know i know why i am like that.
Pessimist,realist and optimist all have their advantages,and in my life i have been all of them at some point. I try to be a realist with optimistic ambitions,but i try to keep all expectations down like a pessimist. It's better to expect the worst and hope for the best than expect something that won't happen in the end. A pessimist is someone who is secretly a humble person...because he doesn't expect to have a good life.
My big problem is that,apart from these three attitudes, is this: I worry too much. I don't think it has to do with pessimism. I wouldn't mix that up here. I don't think in a pessimistic way,i just think too much. Other people enjoy their lives,but it's hard for me to do because i'm a person who is hungry spiritually. I have to find answers where there's no answer yet. I'm not calm enough when the look goes into the future. How do you call that?
Does it make me a negative person when i can't stop to ask questions towards life? Am i a pessimist when i don't want to just live but know what happens after life? Is it wrong to keep wondering about all this?
I know i'm not alone with this. What keeps me fascinated and shocked is that there's often no way of knowing. I'm bound by the answerless questions. What happens after death? What happens in one year? How will (important event) turn out to be? What's the meaning of life?
I've been wondering for long. It gets complicated,but it gets interesting too. Maybe it's not me who is weak,maybe the ones who can't tolerate to think about stuff like that are weak. They focus on the here and now,trying not to let go what they have. At least i prepare myself.
I'm not depressed or happy,i'm just curious. Where will my mind lead me when i walk in the woods the next time. What will the next dream i dream tell me. What will the readers of this blog think about what i say here. And why does it always feel like i wrote nonsense when i've finished an entry.
To be or not to be,that is the question.