Sunday, September 27, 2009

The perfect man

Warning! This post is satirical. It's not supposed to upset anyone.

The Perfect Man

: 1-10 years your senior.

Height: At least 180 cm, but growing whenever a taller guy is in the room.

Weight: whatever comes out of adding enough muscle mass and substracting body fat to the point where it's zero per cent.

Skin tan: Always darker than the average man in that area. Even if you live in Nigeria. Only exception: He is a latino. That beats everything.

Eye colour: Whatever you perceive best to reflect yourself in.

Instrument: Guitar. Always.

Hobbies: Doing everything the woman does, just in a more exciting, un-gay way! plus jogging and one specific sport that trains his ass muscles and one that trains his abs (different from man to man).

Status in society: He has many friends, which makes his girlfriend the center of attention: how did she get him? what kind of super girl must she be? she is so lucky, i envy her.
At the same time, he does not have enough female friends to make you jealous. Of course not.

His fears: You can't call them fears, that would be unsexy and make you imagine his hair falling off. He is much too laid-back and relaxed to worry, but he is aware of what is important: to keep his body in shape all the time and to surprise his girl again and again.

His wishes / dreams: He dreams about getting his girlfriend to the next orgasm - and it's not only about sex. She is supposed to orgasm in awareness of the big house that they are moving into, the swimming pool, the money, the car. And the car serves the purpose in a sexual way, too, as it drives into the sunset, its engine vibrating heavily.

His dream girl: You! It doesn't matter which flaws you have! He loves your weaknesses, as well as the parts of your body that are not perfect. He thinks that's what makes you so unique! And since he already has the perfect body, that's enough for the two of you! He knows it's not easy for you as a woman, he knows it's a lot easier for him as a guy, and that's why he will always spoil you and never grow tired of it. You are his everything. Yes! Even when you're both old. Yes! Trust it! Yes! Yes!

His charakter: He is a renegade, a badass, a daredevil, a macho. He knows how to grab his girl's ass in a ballsy way, how to pull her around violently, throw her on the bed wildly, and takes her whenever he wants. Oh yeah, baby, what a man.
He is a wild lion in bed, a stallion, a stall-lion. He is so manly that he is an animal already. He is so at the end of the scale of being a man, if he was any manlier, he would go full circle, break the scale and be a woman. When you're with him, you forget all other men.
He is so totally independent, so much that he would not even need a woman. But of course he wants one, just one and not more, because he is loyal but he just has too much happiness and testosterone to keep it all to himself.

Of course he is very versatile. He is an excellent cook, a sophisticated being, one that likes to read books while he is weightlifting. He likes to read books about body building by Schwarzenegger and philosphy books by Heidegger. He can recite Nietzsche and Fromm by heart. Most of all, he likes books by women, such as the twilight series. Not because he is gay (if he was, the human race would cease to exist because all men would be after him), no, he is just very, very empathetic.

He has a heart for children, and can baby-sit several infants at the same time. Of course he knows how to change diapers. How does he know that? From his affair, um.. I mean... 2nd girlfriend *cough* no I mean.... his sister! Oh yes... that was the word for that kind of woman.
He would like to have children, but only if you want children. He likes to clean up, iron socks, or accompany his children to activities like ballet.
He is very creative, knows how to surprise his wife with roses on their bed. The next morning, he will take the gardener gloves and the scissors and clean the bed up. Then he will go outside and plant new roses, while his manly body will shine and shimmer in the sunlight and sweat, his chest breathing strongly and his narrow pants giving you ideas of what to do with him next.

He will do everything for you, because you mean everything to him (and that's because his whole daily routine is based on you - the sports, the household, the childcare, he doesn't do it because he likes these things, no, that would be egostic, although he enjoys them, but he does them primarily to please you).

He is a responsible rebel, a fairytale family father, a sexy sandwhich maker. And the best thing is: He will approach you. And you? You only have to wait for him. Because nature wants it that way. Nature wants the man to woo for a woman.

He is also the perfect son in law. This also shows in the way he dresses. Behold, on top of the rebel sweatshirt and the rebel jeans, he wears a second layer of clothes in the form of a tuxedo. He is so incredibly handsome and beautiful (not just sexy) that even your own mother wants to go to bed with him. He will also spend lots of time with her when you don't have time for her *ambiguous wink*

And now the most important thing: Of course he has money. A man who adapts his life to the woman's wishes and even gives room for her career in order to take care of the children, of COURSE does he have money. And you don't even have to work any more in your life. But you may! Because you are a woman, and if you want to prove that women can do anything, then of course you may have a career. He will even give up his position in a company and have it offered to you, but at the same time, he will also earn money. Because someone who looks as good as him will always have money.

He is a real gentleman, one who will always hold the car door open for you. When you have female friends coming with you, he will also hold the door open for them, however not without always screaming "I AM TAKEN, I AM TAKEN, I AM TAKEN!!!" in order to make sure you don't mistake it as a flirt. It matters that he displays his loyalty as strongly as possible while maintaining his reputation as a gentleman. Thus, he can be both without giving you the slightest feeling of jealousy.

How many perfect boyfriends are there: Seemingly not many, since it's always hard to be found by one, as many women will agree.
But one thing is for certain: Even if millions of women will warn you for having these dreams: You shall find him! Because even destiny thinks he is sexy enough that you belong together!!!

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Sweet lullaby ignorance

You know what I really can't stand? Among all the other things, I mean? People blogging about how happy they are about their religion.

There are times during the year when it's best not to read blogs. Ramadan, Christmas, Easter, it's better to keep away from blogs because they always contain not only sentimental, but also religious rubbish.

It often goes like this: First someone brings up that it's a time for joy, then that it's also a time to remember something, and then there is this useless praise of how God did so many great things and we should be thankful for them.

But the point is, it always refers to God in a very limited context. God IF you refer to the Quran. God IF you refer to the Bible. God IF you believe in Jesus Christ. And ALWAYS: God IF you are in the right religion.

What is it good for when people blog about things like these:

-Knowledge of God's true words
-Certainty of His true message
-Disengagement from all doubts

And of course: Doubt equals non-believer.

People who are so sure of God's message are ignorant, and I can practically not think of any exception. Even if they have a very lose faith that does not want to hold on to any holy book, it's still ignorant because in any case they reject the possibility that their faith is either wrong, might be wrong, might be naive, or might just not be good enough to please God.
For example, how does a woman who wears a scarf but does not cover everything except her eyes know that just wearing a scarf is enough? Or how does a Christian know that believing in Jesus is not violating the commandment that there should be no gods except one God?

The answer will always be: Because my holy book says so.
And why do we know that's the truth? Because my God wrote it.
But how do you trust that? Because my holy book says so.

It's impossible to know everything. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with people believing what they want to believe. But telling the world you JUST have to read a quote from the Quran and that clarifies everything, for every man, every woman, every race, every culture... that's bullshit.