Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Is it just me or is it everyone else?

I notice how I have learned a lot of things in the last months. There used to be a black-and-white thinking. After all I still think that I can be stubborn with my views. When I think I'm right, I will insist I am right. And sometimes the only way of me changing my mind is by somehow resigning,in accepting that some things can't be changed.

I saw a documentary on tv recently,it was about women and their choice between career and children. Interesting how different it is from country to country. It made me think about my own perspective, about my opinion on education and also about kids as such. Suddenly I realized that, for example, children just scream sometimes and you can't do anything about it. I used to think that you are just a bad parent if you can't make your children stop crying on a bus or train. Or that you are just not strict enough, or just too weak. It changed now. You can't train them like dogs. I still think you need to be careful because there's still a chance of being a loser as a parent if you don't be careful.
And though I saw this documentary, I still remember not to become sentimental. I can't pretend that watching the children on tv doesn't open up my feelings. Even I can sense something when I watch them play,see them smile and laugh. But there's a bigger responsibility to it. They will grow up one day. In so many ways I keep thinking that I want to spare them going through the same things I went through. That's what I focus on everytime I ask myself if I want kids one day.

It goes for other things too,changing my opinion. I used to be idealistic but I realized that the only difference between idealism and opportunism is the chances you get offered. You can be idealistic and believe in your principles,but when suddenly you are being confronted with a new situation,you might only go with what feels best,and leave behind something else that is a great value,but only slightly less important for you. I'm beginning to understand that I'm not as good as a person as I thought I would be. I used to think that I would not do certain things for certain reasons. Now I know I would. And you know, it starts slowly. The first time you cheat at school is already the first time you follow your interests more than your values. I think that a lot of people do that,even without knowing. And to come back to the example above, it's a crime when it happens between parents and children. When parents use their children as instruments for their own wishes and views. Maybe it's even the worst thing that a person can do. I want to prevent that from happening.

It's very strange how I can feel cursed with my opinion about the world. Sometimes it feels like I would rather be anyone else,even someone stupid who is at least happy. On other times I feel blessed to be myself. As if I'm the only person in this world who can think in a free way. It's a strange,strange feeling...but nobody owns the whole truth,not even me. But an open mind is a good prerequisite.

When I talk of stupid people then I mean people with a very limited horizon. A perfect example would be the stupid farmer who only cares about his acres,believes in one god he knows from stories of his grandfather, has a wife that goes with the well known,old role model of standing in the kitchen,and everything else is just simple. You see,sometimes I feel like literally everyone in my everyday life is like that, and I'm the only person who thinks different. I hear them talk about their free time: dancing,going to a club, riding horses. I hear them talk about relationships: Trouble with the boyfriend,he doesn't call, no time this weekend. They talk about religion: Believing in some god, doesn't matter what happens, will be okay somehow. Yeah, they have vague ideas...why am I the one who thinks so much about all this then? Why is it not simple for me? Does everyone produce kids and step into and out of this world without a care?

We will never know...

Friday, September 22, 2006

M2M day

September 22nd sunday 25 after 9

This is a quote from a song by M2M. A band that didn't know when they wrote that song that they would break up on exactly that day,some years later. But let's not deal with the breakup that was exactly 4 years ago. What makes M2M day special is the memory of the band M2M and not the memory of their end (that led to them being reborn as solo artists,which had its advantages too). M2M changed my life and I think I've said that before. Sometimes I wonder how I should feel when i think of them. Should I be thankful to them? Maybe I should because they made many sweet moments possible for me. But then again, they don't even know what they did,neither did they intend it to happen. And perhaps they were just destiny's little tool to make miracles happen. Whatever the truth is,fact is it's because of them that so much happened in my life.

What some of you,the ones who know me, don't know is that I had a strong feeling about M2M from the beginning. This is not me making things up. I don't have supernatural powers and can't predict the future,like some people can, but with M2M I always had a strange feeling. I was fascinated by them and it was more than the music itself. I always had this feeling that they would somehow make a difference for me. It gives me chills to follow the traces back...back to 1999 when i found out about them. I can still see the pictures on the tv screen back at my grandpa's place. I don't think that was the first time,maybe it was even the second time. I don't know...but when their first hit single was presented their only for some seconds, I thought "It's them...they are recommending their song on tv". It's strange that I remember this so clearly. And what it brought me was hard to believe. So much happened between 1999 and now,and I want to lay it out for you to read:

1999 was the end of the worst time of my life. And strangely it was just then,after this bad time,that M2M appeared on the stage of my life. August had been the worst time ever,and then i just stopped all this and escaped to meet my grandpa and dad. Maybe it was september,maybe october 1999. Around that time "Don't say you love me" became popular around the world. But not here in germany...the fact that i even learned about M2M in the first place is already a little miracle. But the first thing they changed in my life was to inspire me with their sweet, harmonic music.

In 2000 and 2001, I had them at the back of my mind. Once in a while they appeared in my head, and after buying the Pokemon soundtrack that featured their most famous song, I decided to invest more into M2M and buy their CDs. I also spend time at Marit's board reading her diary. They kept inspiring me somehow.

2002. The breakup. It was strange how it ended so soon. Anyway, I remember that I must have bought "The big room" around that time. It was a different kind of music but after some time,i discovered the sweetness. It was also the year when i started recording songs in a studio. And M2M made it possible to arouse the dream in me of making music. It wasn't M2M's music as such,it was more the magic in it.

In 2003 I made the big step into Marit's board as I first chatted in her chatroom,then registered at the boards in early 2004. I didn't know back then that all I could ever ask for would happen this digital place. I spend a lot of time in 2004 and 2005 reading, posting, checking back. And I made so many friends there. Some of them would still be there years later, and it wasn't just friendship sometimes.

2005 was a year that will always be strange history for me. First I found out that falling in love with someone from the internet can be risky and hurt a lot,though i appreciated the experience,but then,at a second attempt, it worked. And it was someone i met at Marit's board. Things started to make sense,and I understood why M2M had been so meaningful to me. Another crazy thing happened. After many months of planning, I decided to go to norway where M2M are from. My first plan was to go there, find Marit somehow with tricks and lots of not-so-nice methods, and if i didn't succeed,I'd just live with it and enjoy being in a beautiful country. Then it seemed like hope was lost,but a few days before the trip I met Marit in her chatroom. Strangely,it was only around that time that she finally got interested in visiting her chatroom. I had waited to talk to her for so long. She liked the idea of meeting me, something not every celebrity would do. So we made an appointment and met. So just for the record: I met my biggest idol. One of the things that connect me to M2M.

2006 was in some way more crazy,because now it was time to meet the love I had found at Marit's board. I did,and many of you (who reads this anyway?) know the rest. It worked. I'm not saying that the story is over here and that my life will be a fairytale. But I can only say up to now it's a story that you usually wouldn't even hear from hollywood writers. And as the tip of the iceberg, they played an M2M song when I met her,my girl. What a coincidence. But coincidence is not the word anyway.

This is the story as short as possible. I wouldn't be mad at you if you didn't believe me this all happened. I don't believe it either. But since that happened, I know that this world is not made up of coincidences,accidents,or gas clouds forming a planet out of nothingness. At least not without something going on somewhere. There are powers that we don't understand. And even though it goes much further than we know, this little band,this duo of two girls, this little tool of destiny will be my small reminder that we are not totally "alone" with our life.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been born in a war country. I ask myself why things are so different there. What are the miracles that happen to them? Not being hit by a bomb? Just escaping death? Is that what they call miracles? What stories do they have to tell and why are they unlucky compared to me? Questions over questions. And then it comes back to me, why is it so open...why can anything happen to anyone?

I don't believe that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. These children out there are all innocent. So why am I lucky? Where will my luck end? I could ask forever.

What's left to me is to look back. I don't need to be nostalgic,you know. There is nothing to feel sorry about for me. Yes, M2M is over but we have the result of their work here. We have friends,lovers, precious memories we can't buy for any money in the world. That's only possible in movies where you can make a virtual trip to Mars.

Good luck to you, girls. You made my life, i guess.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Not angry...

On monday a new chapter in my life starts. I can't decide whether to feel scared,hopeful or just normal. So much depends on it and I don't know if i have what it takes.

Life went up and down lately. There are moments when many things are good,and other moments when all it takes is the change of perspective and suddenly it's not so good any more. And all because of the fact that I can't protect myself with a thing called faith.

If I knew that something was clearly wrong, I could see what consequences I draw from it. If i knew it was okay completely, I could restrict all worries from me. But I don't know if it's right. I only know it means a lot to me. But can I bring that up as an argument one day? That it felt good?

Today I somehow took another step of giving up to worry because I worried all my life. I will not stop worrying completely. But I want to stop thinking about things that don't even deal with this life. The only other worry that comes up is that i could hurt other people. Special people. I want to be honest and say how I feel,just for their information. And then again, i might go too far. I don't deny it: It's sad to notice how my mind thinks...always so negative...i know.

It's not as if I didn't notice good things. I love to live life the least complicated way. I love to love and be loved. I love to not think too much. I love all these things but I'm not sure if I'm made for this...just because I can't stop asking what it's all about. I'm afraid to screw it up.

I'm okay...yes I am. It's just such a load to carry around these thoughts,enormous thoughts and feelings. I try to change the way of thinking and take everything as it comes,but i have to let the load of thoughts go somewhere...and I need them to be heard. That's the reason why they sometimes explode out of me. But that's not me being angry. Not this time...

Monday, September 11, 2006

September,month of the thinker

Hello people,

I didn't find the inspiration to really write about my time in Singapore that much. I didn't write about what it's like to think about this afterwards...let me just say that i sometimes wish i could turn back time. It used to be so uncomplicated to be there...a different life and a different feeling to it.

I thought that things would change for me after coming back. That I wouldn't have to ask certain questions any more and that some issues would rest. But I'm coming back to an old rhythm of good,normal and crisis times. And when I don't get any answers,the thinking maching in my head keeps rolling,turning,jumping and smoking. I've come to the conclusion that I'm paranoid. And again terribly afraid of some things.

Sometimes I wonder how it's even possible for people around me. I'm talking of my countrymen because I know their mentality and their sense in religion. Apart from the people that are really religious,there are two groups. Those who kept some basics of their faith and just live it in a very liberal,broad and free-of-obligations kind of way. And those who gave up all of it and refuse to believe anything at all. What I wonder about is, how do these people find together,how do they get into romantic relationships? Is their way of believing so common,so narrow and shallow, so simple that there are no conflicts with each other? Or is it that they don't deal with the topic, either accepting that everyone has to find their own way or even believing that the relationship is only for this life? When I look at myself, I get the feeling that religion is the first and most important thing that has to "fit" before anything works.

And that's hard to make make it fit. There's such a weird diversity in my thinking. One day I'm a hopeful believer and feel like i have some faith,the next day I feel doomed, another day i wonder what's true anyway and if it isn't all made up least to some point. You be like this makes you very isolated and lonely. I don't have any fellows, the only people i could call fellows in faith are like headless zombies walking on earth to find a meaning,and yet all of them are different from me coz there's no way to put all scepticals and agnostics into one drawer.

Sometimes I even envy the people with a limited mind. The farmers, the bus drivers, the old ladies that complain about the weather. The people who don't worry about the world and it's pain. Just their few square meters of living space. And I also envy those who can believe in something and don't even need to come up with explanations...just pure believing even if it may seem ridiculous and pointless. Scary to me but at the same time...fascinating. Coz I can hardly imagine what it's like to be indoctrinated so much religion. Can't imagine how strong it must be so you believe whatever you are being told...and never start doubting.

I feel strange...because I don't know of any other 23 year olds that do things like i do...walking in a circle on a field outside,just talking to myself about religion. It doesn't seem to me that I'm psychotic, and i know i can't be the only one who does that,it would be too unique. But I know that it's not very normal either.'s my curse.