I didn't find the inspiration to really write about my time in Singapore that much. I didn't write about what it's like to think about this afterwards...let me just say that i sometimes wish i could turn back time. It used to be so uncomplicated to be there...a different life and a different feeling to it.
I thought that things would change for me after coming back. That I wouldn't have to ask certain questions any more and that some issues would rest. But I'm coming back to an old rhythm of good,normal and crisis times. And when I don't get any answers,the thinking maching in my head keeps rolling,turning,jumping and smoking. I've come to the conclusion that I'm paranoid. And again terribly afraid of some things.
Sometimes I wonder how it's even possible for people around me. I'm talking of my countrymen because I know their mentality and their sense in religion. Apart from the people that are really religious,there are two groups. Those who kept some basics of their faith and just live it in a very liberal,broad and free-of-obligations kind of way. And those who gave up all of it and refuse to believe anything at all. What I wonder about is, how do these people find together,how do they get into romantic relationships? Is their way of believing so common,so narrow and shallow, so simple that there are no conflicts with each other? Or is it that they don't deal with the topic, either accepting that everyone has to find their own way or even believing that the relationship is only for this life? When I look at myself, I get the feeling that religion is the first and most important thing that has to "fit" before anything works.
And that's hard to make happen...to make it fit. There's such a weird diversity in my thinking. One day I'm a hopeful believer and feel like i have some faith,the next day I feel doomed, another day i wonder what's true anyway and if it isn't all made up maybe...at least to some point. You know...to be like this makes you very isolated and lonely. I don't have any fellows, the only people i could call fellows in faith are like headless zombies walking on earth to find a meaning,and yet all of them are different from me coz there's no way to put all scepticals and agnostics into one drawer.
Sometimes I even envy the people with a limited mind. The farmers, the bus drivers, the old ladies that complain about the weather. The people who don't worry about the world and it's pain. Just their few square meters of living space. And I also envy those who can believe in something and don't even need to come up with explanations...just pure believing even if it may seem ridiculous and pointless. Scary to me but at the same time...fascinating. Coz I can hardly imagine what it's like to be indoctrinated so much religion. Can't imagine how strong it must be so you believe whatever you are being told...and never start doubting.
I feel strange...because I don't know of any other 23 year olds that do things like i do...walking in a circle on a field outside,just talking to myself about religion. It doesn't seem to me that I'm psychotic, and i know i can't be the only one who does that,it would be too unique. But I know that it's not very normal either. Well...it's my curse.