I want to tell you a story about Hannover. It's a city in which about half a million of the more than 80 million Germans live. This place, of all the big cities in Germany, is the one that's closest to the city I live in.
Something very strange happened. If you were a musician and were to choose three cities to visit in one country, what would you do? I think I would go to the most crowded cities, or choose cities that are spread throughout the country.
On Saturday I found out that Marit Larsen played in Hannover. I found that out just 48 hours after she played. And that made me sad. When I last checked her message board, it said that she was in the Netherlands. It may surprise you, but I never thought that Jason Mraz and Marit would come to Germany anyway. Jason was never famous until maybe last summer, as far as I can recall. And Marit, well, she never made it here really, and I was her biggest German fan once.
But there is more to it. I was disappointed. You know, I was one of the five people who kept the message boards alive when things were really bad.... a long, long time ago. It was so bad that not even "The Marit" herself let anyone know what was going on. For so many months. And I kept checking the boards again and again. But at some point recently, I gave up.
I thought if I check every couple of months, it's enough. But it's not enough. It's too much asked to post a topic like "tour dates" on the boards. And I also didn't notice that she updates her myspace like crazy.... last time I checked it was just her music there and some "Under the surface" design. As far as I remember.
When you are so used to someone not really communicating, you don't even expect anything any more. But that day, I could have been in Hannover, at my door step. But I wasn't. Because I simply didn't know.
You could say that I was a bad fan, that I was not loyal enough to "keep checking", or that I should already be thankful for what I got from her. But I'm asking you: How thankful can one be? How many years would I go on listening to music I don't like any more because it's so different from the music I heard in the beginning? How many years do I put up with a lack of information from my long ago favourite artist? It can't go on forever.
It's not that I was not thankful. The sad thing is just that it's now past. All the good things that happened, they happened. And from now on I'm just someone who will hear about Marit by accident. Maybe when other people mention her, when she's really famous here one day. I was the one who wished I could keep this special thing linked to the present, you know. To be able to say that it was the line that followed through my life from one point onwards. But it's one thing that starts and stops again.
There is another gig in Leipzig, also Germany. and there are still tickets available. But after not going to Hannover, I don't even feel willing enough to go further to see her. It's not only because of disappointment, it's also because of the fact that there is no more reason for me to go. I simply don't like her music any more. I listened to her new songs exactly once.... once per song. There were only few that could stick out, but it was not strong enough to give it another go yet. And why give it another chance if I would not give it another chance if it was a different artist?
I lied to myself anyway. The best thing was "Don't say you love me". It was a time that fills my heart with nostalgia. The song itself, the Pokemon movie, all these little things. After that, I already notice how it was a decline. The first time I listened to "The big room", I was actually disappointed. Only after some time I accepted it as a worthy follower of the previous album. Under the Surface was no big surprise, it was again further away from what I wanted. And so it went on and on. The only difference was that there were always SOME songs to like. Just like Depeche Mode basically. Or Pet Shop Boys. Or New Order.... there is always SOME stuff that's good.
1999 until 2009, I suppose, that's what I can say here. I no longer consider myself a Marit fan. I have to be honest about that. If I was a fan, I would go to the concert. But I can not run after my promises of yesterday, it would be childish. The voice in me that says "you have to go to the concert" is the voice that once said that I will never get tired of her. I didn't change... she changed too much.
I would have taken Hannover as a sign from above.... as in "it's your door step, you wanted it, now you go there". But since I never got a wake up call for that, I take it as a sign to let things go. That's the small difference between two possible endings. Because it was supposed to end anyway.
If anyone reminds me, I will listen to her next songs whenever they come. May it be in 2011, 2013, whenever. Every 2 or 3 years there might be something. But, as I also fear, she is the kind of person who would get a baby, not tell anyone about it, and disappear forever. She's that kind of person you can never fully understand.
I am glad for the good times I had because of her, and all that she changed in my life that's so irreversible. I'm just saying that I have to live in the present, too. It's like the 80s.... they were good but they had to die, too.
Now I have perhaps no more bands to follow. Marit is no more, New Order broke up again, Depeche Mode don't really come up with anything new (and they got worse last time), and all the others are stuck in the 80s anyway. From now on I only like individual songs, not artists or bands.
If she ever comes back, I will be there....