Sunday, September 25, 2005

More about me

Hi again,

I didn't say much about who i really am and under which circumstances i live.
I live at home (whatever that means) with my mum and bro. This brother is about to become 18 years old, which is hard to believe. I remember as if it were yesterday when we played video games at the age of 17 and 12. Haha...
I'm a musician,that's what has been important for me for a couple of years now. But i'm not the kind of musician who can play songs well on a piano or guitar. I suck technically, and a lot of ppl can sit down on a piano,play some great classical pieces of music using both hands,playing different things at the same time, and thus make me look like a beginner. Yes,that's something where i'm not good at. But on the other hand, and that's not just my opinion because if someone is self-critical,then it's me, people who think that this makes me a lame musician are probably not entirely right. My hidden strength is (or was?) that i can write songs. Yeah i know,a lot of ppl can write songs. I was lucky to know someone who has his own studio,so i could record these songs, and i arranged them too. When i write a song,i don't just think of the singing and guitar,like most ppl would do. I hear the song,and then all the ideas come one by one. I want to create a perfect landscape of sounds,and i want a perfect image in the end. What i wanna create is more than an experiment and more than a simple song. It has to work. And i need to find the balance between a song that simply asks the listener to hear its melody and a big experimental sea of weird sounds that are sometimes crazy. Many musicians forget what's important,they are either too much in love with the few words and notes they create,so the music gets boring and the quality suffers,or they fall in love with effects,sounds,noises,and end up forgetting that music is about how it makes the listeners feel.
My idea of music is this: A great melody and chords that fit to it. And then,you have to put everything else around this. You have to carry the ppl with you. What has to come out in the end is not what the musician's what the inspiration,the music and the ear want.

What else can i
I started as a creative mind. The half of the brain that is intuitive,creative,daydreaming...that's kind of what i was like at the beginning. In the late 90s,when i was introduced to video games by my dad, the first creative process that made me aware of my will to be creative was a video game called World Grand Prix. A racing game. It had a function where you could edit your own race course. And that was where it got interesting. Coz i'm not a musician or movie director in the first place. I only love to create something new. That's my point.

At school,i was good at creative things...mostly writing stories. Once a teacher advised me to go for becoming an author. But things have changed and i feel like i lost some of my creative power. I seem to never find the right words. In english,it even goes so far that i hate myself for not finding the right words to start with. I start sentences with "I", "And" or "But", and you probably realized that already. Argh!

Since a couple of years ago,i also like to think a lot. I philosophy about life, i imagine scenarios of my future, analyze my fears,neurosis,ideas...and i read psychology books. I did some lucid dreaming,if you don't know what it is,find it out. For ppl who have an interest in dreams,it's worth the experience. But you really have to be interested to make it happen. 50% effort won't help you. In the long run,lucid dreaming is hard to make it happen coz you lose motivation,though it would really be worth doing it.

One of my habits is to walk around at night and sit down on a hill to watch the stars and the city lights. Then i think about life and how the past changed me. Happens every few months,depending on how life has been to me. I often think about the year when it ends,September is one of my thinking months,and the first of them too. Coz the year has gone far enough to show if it was a good or bad year. I'll come to that in a detailed way in a later post.
One of the reasons why i ended up in depressions was that I couldn't deal with the questions i had to life. And i could only get out of the depressions by letting the questions rest. One question is about the meaning of life,connected with religious aspects. I wonder how i can believe,truely believe in a god when i get punished for it with depressions. Or how i can believe in a religion in general...when all could be wrong. I try hard to tell myself that the answer will come,like all answers so far came. And dreams that came true,dreams i never dared to believe in. But what i'm afraid of is that i wait too long,then something terrible happens,and i lose the chance to find the answer in time.

So much for now. I will throw a lot of questions into the cyber world. You can think about everything yourself. Do you avoid to ask these questions,or did you find your answers already?

Sunday, September 18, 2005

An introduction to my life

Dear readers,

I started this blog to write down my thoughts and feelings,like everyone does who starts a diary or a blog. If ever anyone is interested in reading this (and i already know someone's interested), i will write something about how my life went,so every person who wants to know a little about me can go to the beginning of this blog and read the story of my life. It may be too short here,too long there,but it's an attempt to give you an image of the person who's writing this.

I was born in the south of germany,in a city called Leonberg. You could translate it with "lion mountain", which sounds pretty cool. I can't tell a lot about my first years. I know my first teacher, a woman who i had in grade 1 and 2, was a cruel woman who always shouted a lot. A tyrant woman. I was glad we moved away a couple of miles. That's something important about my life. I moved several times and i got surpressed by my dad/other ppl often. The moving part explains why i don't connect with ppl easily. It always seemed to me that friendship isn't for long. And due to my childhood, i'm used to mistrusting ppl. The marriage of my parents wasn't too great and the relationship between me and my dad only went better after the divorce. I grew up knowing that i am not supposed to make mistakes. Every mistake made me an idiot in the eyes of my dad. So that meant: Don't try anything,stick to what you know. Don't risk,don't dare. You will fail.

I wasn't too popular in my early days of school. I was shy,timid,fearful,scared to death. Yes, your family decides what person you become later on. It took many therapy sessions from my childhood until the age of 19 until i could call myself more or less done with the problems.

The real story of my life starts in 1994/1995. That's the time when my memory really started to function reliably (do you know that when there's a certain time where you really become aware of events,days,months years and how time passes? A getting-aware of yourself). I only had few hobbies,but one was making small movies with a video camera. In 1994, i started with this movie called "murder in the dark". It still exists somewhere. It's crazy watching yourself as a 11 year old. Anyway, i don't have that much memory of 1994. I don't even recall the day when my dad's biggest idol, Ayrton Senna, died. I have the video tape of that race at home too...

1995 was one of the better known years,and the first time where i was really aware of my own life. When 1995 was coming to an end, i said "it's still 1995" in the last few seconds before 1996 started.
In 1995, i made a movie called "the one-eyed strikes back". It's about teenagers fighting and calling each other on the phone. The movie got lost after i moved away the year after and never returned,but there's a chance it still exists somewhere. The movie was based a lot on the tv series "Kung Fu" and features the typical fighting style with the tricks used...but let's not get into detail too much.
1995 was also the year when my dad almost died in an accident. He wanted to pick me up from the psychologist but never arrived. On a hot day,he wanted to overtake a cue of cars on a fast road. A mercedes collided with him on the opposite lane. His fault. He suffered from complicated injuries in one of his feet,and the ppl in the other car,including a girl,were obviously gonna have injections for the rest of their lives.

1996 was the year when -finally- my parents got divorced. Too much violence from my dad over the years. It wasn't an easy time,but it had to happen sooner or later,and it was rather later than sooner. My childhood was already screwed. I moved to the city i live in now, in the middle of germany. Before that,i finished working on the movie "the white killer fish". I think the name explains everything.
I had to switch schools,get along with new ppl in a new environment. I never got really close friends from that time,nothing i stay in contact with or want to stay in contact with.

I had some advantage in learning since the south german school system at that time was much better developed,so 1997 was quite a successful year for me. I had great grades even at math tests. In the fall of 1997, i moved once more,but only a few streets away. My grandpa had died that year (the first time i lose someone in my family) and we moved to an old ppl's home where my grandma was gonna live from then on.

Then came 1998. I was slowly losing my advantage in school, things got rougher. At some point it could be foreseen that life was gonna get difficult. I passed the school season of 1997/1998 just luckily,though my teachers had claimed months before it would be very easy for me. I didn't notice how bad it would be, i wasn't prepared for anything bad and the following season,so i thought, would be like last year.

But then came 1999, the darkest year of all. I got new teachers in all subjects. The standard was risen. They wanted us to be much better. Some teachers terrorized us,which made me feel very insecure. My grades went down rapidly,but i also didn't see any meaning in life any more. I had no idea what i was fighting or learning for. I never got anything back for my effort. No attention from the girls i liked, and no hobbies that would fill my empty life. I sank into deep depressions,which caused me to skip school,then be announced unable to go on with school. I had to go to several hospitals. The therapists didn't give me the feeling they knew what they were doing. They were book readers and doctors,but they had never felt the endless sadness that can cut holes into your soul. I can say that i was at the lowest point of my hole life. In August,i went to another of many hospital stations,and it was the worst experience ever. I was in the company of child abusers (even some who abused their own siblings), drug addicts and violent nazis. I was the only person who was not a criminal there. I felt like i was at the wrong place,but nobody thought of me as being worth more than them. How is this supposed to increase my self-confidence?
I felt treated like an animal. There's much to tell,i could write many chapters or even a small book about my experiences there. But i think the internet has its limits,and i want to leave space for others too.

I got out of hospitals for good in September 1999. From then on,it would never be as bad as it had been. I discovered a band that would accompany for many years, M2M. I didn't know why,but i knew they'd play an important role in my life,and they did.

The following year was a year of re-orientation. In 2000, i went back to school after a very long break. I was in grade 9 three times. When i was back, I was about to get 18 years old. And i was among 15-16 year olds. So you can imagine i had my doubts about wether i would be accepted or not. Of course,i didn't want to tell them about my past.

2001 was another year to remember. I felt quite good at some point. I managed to succeed at school, went to driving school,and i fell in love. But when i wanted to find out if the girl i loved would love me too,it appeared i had been wrong. Haha. I had a good feeling,but looks like it wasn't worth it. I was down and lost all hopes,but looking back it was the right decision to seek the truth. That didn't help me back then though. Oh,and in that year,i started working on movies again. One was "Biofinger", a James Bond movie based on our biology teacher,haha. It was too complicated to go on with,too many actors that didn't have time. So a new project started. "Kung Fu- Im Zeichen des Gänseliesel". Another fighting movie. It got more or less finished in 2004, but some scenes and a STORY LINE are missing.

Things went really well in 2002. I finished my driving licence at the first attempt. I had fun working on our movie. And i started recording songs. Songwriting became one of my hobbies in 1998. During my personality crisis in 1999,i had the most creative time ever. It almost always takes me a hard time to become successful at writing. 2002 was another year where i wrote many nice songs. Some of them are still being recorded now,in the present of 2005. In 2002,i recorded "Math will tear us apart". A song i wrote the year before, when math classes really sucked coz we had fun in other classes,but when math came,it got silent and depressing.

The song was finished in May 2003. It was another great year. In the summer of this year, grade 11 was over, and that meant that are wonderful class would stop to exist and be mixed up with the other 11th grades we had at our school. They'd form grade 12 the following season.

2004 went well too, a lot of song recording, a lot of movie making, a lot of doing this and that. I had started meeting ppl online in december 2003,and in 2004 i met many of my friends of today. This is where M2M kicks in again. One of its members was Marit Larsen, now a solo artist. I made many good friends at her chatroom. 2004 was a nice and stable year without any big events,and school went well too.

Now we've reached the present,but i can already draw the line for 2005. It was freaky. A freaky freaky year. Maybe the, definately the best year of my life. I graduated from school. That's one thing that happens once in life. Then there's another thing that came soon after that. I met my biggest idol Marit in her own chatroom,just a couple of days before i was to go to my summer vacation in norway. She lives in Oslo, and when i met her at the chatroom, i asked her if we could meet. And that's what happened. I got autographs for many of my online friends,and now i can say i fulfilled one of my dreams. I can check the box next to "meet your biggest idol". It's done.
Another thing about 2005 is,i fell in love several times. It was always online (Marit Larsen chatroom, i thank you). In two cases,i got love back. Or let's say, in two cases, it was the girls who came to me. Once it was me but i failed,haha. Anyway,the first relationship was nice when everything was okay,but some things were terribly going wrong. During easter,i had maybe the worst time since 1999 due to this experience. I had thoughts of suicide again,also because i didn't know what to do with my life... if i should study and what.
Then came someone who saved me. I came together with this angel of a girl in july,and since then,we've been together (as far as together goes online). I'm taking this very serious,and i know that online relationships have their risks. But it's up to everyone individually to decide what such a relationship means.

This was a very short summary of a life that went up and down and up again. By the way, the song in my first entry is "Going home" by Sophie Zelmani. For me,it's the song of the year. It's not from 2005 but i discovered it just a few months ago. It expresses a feeling that applies to me in many ways. A kind of sweet melancholy. Not really depressing. Just... there's always a little longing,a little missing, a little incompleteness in life. There's always something from the past that you want back, or something from the future that you can't have yet. Or you feel that you have to accept some death for example. Or that we have to accept that we are different. I'm not someone who goes to parties or who meets ppl. I hide at home and listen to silent,sad music. Not very often have we met, but the music's been too bad. So you know what it means to me. I must hurry home...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Going Home

Not very often have we met
But the music's been too bad
Can only sense happiness
If the music is sad

So I'm going home
I must hurry home
Where a life goes on...