Last post for this year

The best year of all is over. Goodbye 2005. May the future be good too...

I don't have much to say. Just a reminder for someone special: I'm thinking of you,baby.

Settling the score with 2005

The 24th of december is holy evening and that's when christmas starts here. Yes, already then. On the evening of this day,the presents are opened. The 25th and 26th are also christmas days. After that, the trees and stars can be taken off again.

I'm not a person who thinks about christmas so much. Some people have a bad feeling about it because they think everything is fake and artificial, just for making people pay money on presents. Other people love christmas and remember that it's there to show love and all that kinda stuff.
For me it's different from year to year. It's not about the things that never change that make me feel "christmassy". Not things like the decoration,or a music video where George Michael in his 80s look throws snowballs at other people. Christmas used to be a time of looking forward for me. I liked to think of all the presents i could get. The romantic atmosphere wasn't really a big thing for me. This year i will get a digicam to take some nice pictures. And that's good. But i'm not excited about it because i got all the presents already. And they can't be bought with all the money in the world. I just have to say that. Homer Simpson would say "Dear god,the gods were merciful with me". I'm not sure how i can be grateful for what happened in 2005. It doesn't happen every year that you fall in love with girls that tell you you mean a lot to them,and that one of the turns out to be the right one and the others have still been worth it for the experience it meant,and apart from that meeting your biggest idol. Damn! I can't believe what happened this year. And i graduated from school. Hello? There are more things i believe... I shouldn't forget the funny pleasent moments i had with friends,relatives, classmates. All these nice one-day experiences. And as i said,i don't know how to show my thankfulness,but i just wanna say "thank you".

When i look at how 2005 drowns in the cold of winter, I stand somewhere in my mind, looking at this year and its events, and i don't know how i should feel about it. It's slipping away, this year of luckiness. Sometimes I am nothing but just shocked. Can anyone understand this? A year was so good that I am shocked about how much happened. It's like when you see an accident in front of you happen and you can't forget the pictures. Something like that,but in a good way. A positive trauma. I still see Marit standing in front of me in the hotel lobby, I still see myself standing on the school yard on the day when the prank was,with loud music and happy people dancing around. I still see the words in front of me of people that said "I love you". It doesn't go away quickly. I suppose these things are the things that go through your head before you die. This year, I took some of the mind pictures that rush through your head when your life is over.

I have things to keep, autographs, drawings, letters, photographs. Some things will remain for 2006. I hope luck and love will be on my side in this next year too. What I need the most is... making the difference between success and failure,between making life worth living and giving it all up. I have some plans for 2006, and if they turn out well then it's my lucky streak. Good luck to all of you who read this. I hope you will be lucky in love and satisfied with your work. And maybe, just maybe, you will fulfill another dream of your life next year.

Philosophical thinking

The last days were all about ups and downs. It was an emotional journey. On some days I felt good,on others sad or depressed,or worried to extremes.

I made a resolution. Not for next year,for now. Resolutions only work when you are serious about what you want. I will concentrate on not worrying too much. When something gets serious,then i have to tell myself that i can just write away everything that concerns me and then send it out into the world. Or i let it go. But if i decide to send it out,then i might want to write it here. So i'm glad you people read it. So someone will notice it and that makes me feel better already.

I think I realized some of the reasons why a relationship can be difficult,even when it's a happy one. The luxury of being single consists of the ability to live life according to your own ideas,without the slightest compromises or changes. There are things you never have to worry about. From simple everyday stuff like "What if my partner wants to live vegetarian" to serious matters like "What if my partner dies", there's nothing for a single to worry about. Of course you might say,when you have someone you can both try to split up your needs. So everyone lives the way they want to. One could be the most religious person in the world,the other one an atheist. One could love to go to parties each weekend while the other one just sits at home. Or one could smoke and drink while the other one doesn't,and instead does other things the other person doesn't like. And so on. Okay,that was too much explanation.
For me,that's not really something i like. I want to get close to the person i love,and live with the same philosophy,or as much as possible the same way. It's okay to have personal hobbies and some alone time for each person. I'm not talking about simple stuff as that. I talk about stuff that has to do with how close ppl in a relationship are to each other. And that is something I struggle with.

When there are opposites,or big differences,only compromises help. That means changes,and changes often hurt. Or they are not easy to deal with.
I am able to adapt to changes. I only hope that there won't be a point where i can't follow any more. Where I can't make another step towards a compromise. And when I say this,i'm not afraid of everyday life. It's nothing that would necessarily make a couple split up again. What I am afraid of is that there might be a point where I have to say "Here,I must accept that we have different opinions on something philosophical/religious (insert any word you think fits)". Like i said before,it's not about one person being a jogger and the other one is more a club dancer. Blessed are the people who were brought up in a non-threatening environment when it comes to aspects of beliefs. Maybe it would be hardest for a religious person if the partner was a convinced atheist. And for the atheist,it would be the easiest thing in the world because there's nothing happening after death (for all atheists: I know that you might believe there is something after death like the elemental quarrel of the being but let's keep it simple).

Hm...I'm not really worried at the moment. That's a good sign i guess. I know that I think too much,but you must admit,someone who doesn't think about his life when he has the time doesn't think about his life when he's older,or does he? I think,either you are a person who thinks about life or you aren't.
I'm sorry if i caused confusion here. Hm...for everyone who read this,maybe you want to spend a moment of time to think where in life you stand,and what you believe in?

Confusion,fear,sadness,guilt

I accept yesterday as a happy day. I won't deny it was. And i knew i would need it. What i didn't know was that i would need it so soon. Now i feel very different again.

I feel sick in some way. My mind. It's so terrible to think about the future,with all the things that could go wrong. Which job do i take,and what if it makes me feel imprisoned? What if I have to choose again,and that costs me valuable years of my life? What if I regret my decisions one day?

This is more complex than you think. You might say,what does he worry about? He can just try something and if it doesn't work,do something different. I can't do that...at least not without paying a big price somewhere else in my life. I don't have much time. I don't think i can explain it here.

My whole thinking infected and poisoned. Fear,sadness and guilt. Fear of what might come, because I can not last if some things go wrong. Sadness because i feel so helpless and misunderstood,and like this world doesn't allow me to live my life the way it would make me happy...or at least comfortable. And guilt comes because I can't do the expectations of others or myself justice.I'm sorry that i can't even be happy for two days in a row,for instance.

I want to escape out of somewhere,but there is no way out. Where am i anyway...

How do i stop worrying? It's something emotional,logical arguments don't help here. My mind is set to worrying. When one problem is solved,i worry on.

And now i see that even my posts are messy. Random thoughts. Will I go insane?

By the way,i'm too afraid to ask for professional help. I couldn't state my problem without crying. I'm even afraid that i think of "professional help" sometimes. Not again...never again,please.
Okay...now i need holidays i think...I have to go somewhere else soon. I'm more confused than anything else right now. And i don't get myself...i don't understand what my problem is. I'm just too sensitive and fragile,even for simple questions of life. I'm threatened.
I need to sleep now...maybe i will call this post exaggerated tomorrow...or stupid. But I can't deny that I want to hide from life sometimes...

Hard to believe but i'm happy

This is a historic moment. I want to announce that i am officially happy today. I wasn't happy yesterday and i'm not sure if i will be happy tomorrow,but right now i am happy. Very happy.

Everything works,for a very short time literally everything works. Some things that have been working pretty well work fantastic,some things that haven't worked at all start to work again,some things that never work don't count today.

What makes the big difference today is her. She made me so happy. I got the feeling I was able to tell her some things that were important, and that she should not forget. It's easy to make yourself feel comfortable by knowing what it is that you feel. But doesn't the real delight come from realizing how another person feels about you?
It was important to say how i felt. And to hear how she feels. Sometimes it feels like she doesn't realize there's no need to worry about how things are. It's only the outside world that causes problems,but between us I feel that everything is already as good as safe. And today,it felt like it is really supposed to happen. I see her picture and i think,this is the girl i want to be with from now on until forever. I found my soulmate, the person i will always be with physically or non-physically. I always ached for that person that would be there despite season changes,wars, misery,whatever may come. Just someone who's there. The one thing that never changes. The sweetest pleasure is when I allow myself to feel this...as if it was already there,as if it was already promised that she will agree to be this special someone for me for all times. I open that door and look inside,and see what could be one day...and yet i have to close it because it's not time,and we have to open this door together,or never at all. But as i said, i'm happy. And i have hope.

Songwriting works again since yesterday. I had the melodies in my head for a while,and yesterday i didn't only play them,i also found the right chords and the theme of the song. I guess you can imagine what i feel like writing about now. If not,then read the paragraph above again.

So these are two very important things that work,and they make me feel a lot better. My job also does well,it keeps me busy and i'm routined with it. I can get tired sometimes and would like to go home earlier,but it saves me from boredom=depression. And cooking is nice too. Saturday is cooking day,and i already look forward. The more time it takes,the better it is. I want to create something tasty that causes a taste explosion in my mouth. Haha!

And somehow it's a great feeling to know you don't really need holidays urgently,but they will come in case you feel tired. I look forward to chatting and webcamming with her a lot,and then i will go to the south for some days to celebrate the beginning of a new year there. It's good that i can get away,coz too much free time at home would make the mood swing.

I just felt like i needed to say this. So the people who read this won't think i'm always depressed. And maybe i need this for myself too,because sometimes,when it gets sad,i always feel like i get back to this point over and over again. I said: The worrying never stops. But I have the chance that I will never be alone any more. If this mercy is granted,then i will already be one step ahead...and i don't have to get back to where i were,never again.

Holidays? No,thanks.

Only 11 days of work left. 11 times I have to go to my work place,unless i get sick again.
My main problem today: Too much time to kill. If I had holidays now,i would go crazy. Two days of staying at home due to sickness already shows me how fatal it can be.

I talked to some nice people on msn. And it was good that i did that. But after a while it gets too much,and you get sleepy in an unnatural way. And playing video games has the same effect,as well as watching tv.

It doesn't help to do too much of computering and tv. It seems as if you were killing time,but the time that seemingly gets killed will want you to spend it at the end of the day- when you are supposed to fall into dreams! But you can't sleep.

I'm thinking about this whole thing again...how i could USE my time instead of waste it. At some point i even got the crazy thought "I have to cook every day". Is this the beginning of a serious illness?

Music doesn't work any more. I can't tell myself that i'm bored enough to sit down at the keyboard. It's the least thing i would do,and so i did today. But then my cat wanted to be hugged,so it was over soon. I even feel a little bad about making music,coz i'm afraid it might depress me.

And strangely i don't get inspired either. It's strange because....I've felt very good in the last days. Okay,i had to go to the doctor coz i had a problem with the stomach,but from my feelings,I was really feeling good. And this phase of feeling good doesn't have to be over yet.

When the holidays start,I will go to my grampa's,where I will also see my dad and his wife. It's a change. And that's better,much better than staying at home. Boredom is dangerous for my mood. I need to be busy...as a lover,as a worker,as a cook (or as a musician).
Does anyone have advice for me? I need some activities. This is what it should be like:

-creative (like cooking or writing music)
-doesn't cost much effort (like sports or other annoying things)
-nothing social (no,i don't want to meet ppl)

I welcome advice. But if i don't want to do what you suggest,don't take it personal. I'm complicated. But it's nice if you want to help,so i appreciate it. Haha. Thanks.
If there weren't some certain people in my life,and work,and my cat...then it would be helpless.
And now i'm chatting again :)

I'm okay...I'm good...I'm fine

I cook,therefore I am.

I've been cooking lately as a substitute for my fading ability to write songs. And i might get better at songwriting again in a while,I just have to be careful with how hard I try. Saturday is the day when I turn a recipe i looked for on the internet into food. It went well so far, and I cooked two meals in the last weeks. I liked them,almost loved them,and that's what counts most. Last time i got the biggest imaginable compliment from my brother. He said it was better than last time. And last time,it had already been acceptable. This is the highest praise there is,from a person like him. If you knew him you'd understand.

The soundtrack of my life consists a lot of Kate Bush at the moment. I even listen to her at work. Her lyrical way of writing songs inspires me. I wonder how she starts writing songs...by the way the lyrics are thought over,it would make me think the lyrics come first,but some of the older songs are very melodious,so who knows.

I want to name some songs that I will associate a lot with 2005:

Going Home- Sophie Zelmani (or a different version by Faye Wong)
A song that i listened to more than any other song this year. It made me use its lyrics for my blog. A sweet sadness that lies in it,not comprehendable for everyone,but some people who like this song will understand what makes it special. I bought 3 Sophie Zelmani albums this year,so it's not only this song that i like,it's the calmness of many of her songs that makes her interesting.

Wuthering Heights- Kate Bush
I could pick a lot of her songs,but i listened to this more than the others,at least this year. Before I noticed that I really liked her music,i only knew "Running up that hill". There's something about her music that sounds new,and unusual,but catchy at the same time. She was the Björk of the 80s,as I would say.

Guilt Is A Useless Emotion- New Order
I don't listen to this any more, but it was the soundtrack of my life in late spring and summer. New Order is a great band,and i've been listening to them very very much since maybe 2001. Their last album wasn't as good as older stuff (same goes for Kate and Depeche Mode) but it was still good to hear new material from them.


These are only some of the songs of this year. Some of the songs that I have written were important for me too. I only recorded a few of them this year,but still,I listen a lot to what i recorded,whenever it was. My newest song,which will be finished in january hopefully,is called "Older". And it says a lot about how life changes...to me at least.

At the moment I feel alright. Nothing bad happening. I can sometimes smile. And when i do,then it has to do with her mostly. Hehe...
I just thought I would better write when i'm not in the worst mood. So people see I can be satisfied too.
This is all for now. Have a nice pre-christmas time.

I don't want to complain,but...

Is it a good or bad thing when all these mixed feelings,sometimes good,sometimes bad, turn into emptiness?
At the moment, I don't want anything,don't miss anything,don't feel any happiness or sadness in me. I can't exactly say how,but in some way i made myself unemotional. There is nothing that goes beyond today. No fear and no hope. The only thing i ask for is a weekend,so i will sleep longer,and theoretically,i'd have time to do all these wonderful things that are supposed to get me out of the hole.
One month until christmas. Not a real reason to look forward to it. The presents,if there will be any,are something i could get on other days too. Luckily,christmas and birthdays exist,only for this reason...to get presents.

When I look at myself,i see some changes...or restructuring. There are some desires that have been satisfied or fulfilled...dreams and wishes that came true and were granted. Other things ceased to be of interest,they died away from my mind. This mind asks for new things,new wishes,interests,hobbies. But there's a lack of all of them. I don't know what to do with my life,yet. And of the many dreams i could have,I maybe have one left. And of all the hobbies,there are some that I consider as existant...but they are set to stand by. Or maybe they die away from me too. The danger now is that I will get the wrong hobbies. I don't know how to explain that for people who don't know the situation. Well,one simple example would be that i could switch writing music with playing video games. That would be a change towards creativelessness. Not that i haven't played games yet,but they haven't been what i wake up to every day since a long time ago. It shouldn't be like that again,that i wake up to play again.

What I don't really understand is why it affects my feelings. Why does it happen that I feel nothing? It wouldn't make a difference if i died today. I don't feel a desire for fighting against life's obstacles...but i don't feel like dying either. Where is the inspiration i'm waiting for? I need something that brings all the feelings back. A lot of happiness,a little bit of longing,some melancholy,some hope. A little bit of everything. Right now i'm a robot on low battery.

Slowly perishing

The fact that i often write about bad things in this blog makes it look like i'm not happy at all. I want to stress this isn't the case.

Something is going really wrong at the moment,and i don't know what it really is,where it comes from,what the reasons are,but it's unhealthy for me.
My life consists a lot of working,eating and sleeping. When there is time to do other things,I either waste time or do something that is enjoyable but not fulfilling. Chatting,video games,watching tv. That's ok if it helps. It's okay if there is some of it and then there's something that fills life apart from all that. But there is nothing,absolutely nothing. And now it starts to become serious,more and more. It used to end in little depressions,a feeling like failure or the loss of all talents. Today i turned really angry,and it got so bad that i became angry at the slightest things. When i washed my hands and the soap didn't want to go the way i wanted it to go,i threw it on the floor with as much power as possible. And of course later on I got trouble from my mum for destroying this valueable,this wonderful,this respectable piece of soap. It's also a living being! How could i ever do this?! Oh my goodness!
It was right of her to show me how stupid I was.Yes,i should have taken a walk instead. And yes,i could have used the rowing machine instead to get rid of the anger. But hey,why didn't she get more useful ideas for me? I could have vacuum cleaned everything,or maybe use my infinite anger to wear a pink dress and train ballet,or play a happy tune on the keyboard. Hey hey,isn't that a great way of getting rid of anger that could make you kill other people or yourself? The answer to this question is no.

I was more than just angry.It is the kind of anger where you don't think "Should i really throw this piece of soap on the ground? Maybe there's something better". Hell...it's something emotional. Some people are really not clever when it comes to that. As if you could discuss everything away.

The distressing problem is that i should be happy. But i can't be happy without some kind of progress in what i do. I get stuck. Reading a book doesn't fulfill me. I can't write music any more and there are no other hobbies that would give me that sort of pleasure any more. Being a working machine from monday to friday and a wreck on the weekend isn't what i wanted. Where does my life go when i have to face a life like this,only working for money that i spend for a short holiday once a year. And then,only emptiness throughout the rest of the year.

It would be okay to accept this,knowing that there might be a change one day. But life is short,and i don't know how i can bear this idea of working my life away like this. I'm not happy with the way people think nowadays. You work until you are at a certain age,then you retire (the age goes up at the time,67 is the latest information i got,but maybe i'd have to work until i'm70+ ).
Anger and depression come when you get so stuck only an explosion of feelings could get you out of here. But i remain stuck,and i feel like i'm dying inside. I don't want to go anywhere and find out new things,i don't want to spend time with other people now,don't want to meet friends in the city,i'm not like this. And i don't want to die away either. But here is nothing i can do now. It's not like i'm in the giving-up-mood. I'm just at the point where you look around and see your own despair. No way out at the moment. It's when you want to fall asleep,fall into dreams that entertain you and give you solutions,and wake up,not tomorrow,not the day after tomorrow,but just in a different time.

What i ask myself right now: If I can't be satisfied with what i have now,how can i ever be constantly happy at all? I want something that doesn't change too much,but i also want changes for myself in some other way. *sighs*

Dangerous

Yesterday,there was a demonstration in the city. The NPD, a nationalist party, sent out her nazi-demonstrats to walk around everywhere and make some of their messages public. The police had the very unmerciful duty to protect them,since it was a legal demonstration and the nazis,who were only a few hundreds,had to face a counter movement of thousands of people from all political backgrounds. They made blockades and tried to interrupt the nazis in moving on on their route. There were some violent happenings as far as the newspapers said today.

I wasn't there and i don't want to have anything to do with this,but after reading an article today that had nothing to do with what happened yesterday,i thought that,maybe,i should have taken part in the counter-demonstration too. Thanks to Tom for showing this article on his blog. Here it is: http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=1231684&page=1

The first thing i thought was,this has to be a joke. And if it is a joke,then i'm glad,but i fear it's not a joke. It's really sad that we live in such a world and that it is allowed that things like that happen. That young people get poisoned by this thing called 'propaganda'. It has a negative meaning but the 'white nationalists',as they are called in the article,use it as if it's something good. Well, 'good' stands for many things.
I have to say one thing though: These people think they know what they are talking about,but they have no idea. They think they are good nazis,but even at this,they suck. Because they don't have the slightest idea of what happened in the 30s and 40s of the last century. If someone knows all this,has seen the cruel pictures,like smoke from dead bodies coming out of industry chimneys,and then says he still agrees with the nazi-ideals,then he is a monster but at least he is an informed monster. But the white nationalists,they don't even know what they are doing. I mean,it's easy to come up with racist views but still know nothing at all.

And what i hate about this is that they always include germany in everything. They praise the german leaders who spread these messages and who brought so much terror over the world. But as i said,they have no idea about anything. All they do is weaken our reputation once more,because there are still people who believe that germany is a national socialistic country, or that the germans are evil to the bone. Isn't it strange that our country in fact is one of the most peace-loving? That you can't come up with a nazi demonstration without having much more anti-nazis than nazis? Is that all coincidence...or did history teach 'us' something maybe?

I really don't know what goes on in the minds of those people. Perhaps they got something wrong,forgot who the good and who the bad ones are. The only thing that seems clear to me is that they are very primitive. The easiest way out of problems is to blame a minority. A minority in the country of course. Coz the 'aryan race' surely isn't that big any more nowadays.

What came to my attention recently is that we have to face certain sorts of extremism nowadays. Politically but also religiously. I mean,when i hear someone say "i'm proud to be christian" then i frown a little,coz it sounds amazingly similar to "i'm proud to be white". I just don't know...is it necessary to stress it that much? The war between the religions isn't that obvious yet,but this war,that isn't actually religious but rather due to social reasons, gets called a religious war. I get the feeling that things go out of control a little.

It's just like a gas explosion in the dark. You can't see anything,but you smell something. You wonder what it is,and you refuse to believe you are in danger. You look for a match to turn on the light. And as soon as the fire starts to burn...boom.

The song that never was

Last night,I had a dream where I could hear a song. And I talked about this song, there was something special about the piano that was playing in the background,so i explained that to someone in the dream. It must have been interesting, and it could have been turned into a song in real life. But when i awoke from this dream,i was too sleepy to write the dream down,or to get up and play it on the keyboard. Too bad...because songs that come out of dreams are often very dreamy,versatile and coltish...if that's the right word.

I remember several songs that came out of my dreams. In 2000,i woke up one morning,it was on a weekend and i had slept in,and i had this melody in my mind. Just a faint sound. Three notes. But it turned into a song that I still call one of the best i've written so far. I didn't record it yet,it's something i wanted to save for when i'm more experienced with recording.

Some years later,i dreamed about a song again. In the dream,i thought it was a New Order song,so it was sad that it was already "taken". When i woke up,i realized it was created in my sleeping mind. So i took it as the verse melody for a song that i had already started writing. As far as i remember,the dream already had lyrics that fit to the song that i was working on,so it was a verse written for this song during sleep.

The most impressive song-creating dream i ever had was many months ago,but not years ago yet. It was before i knew i would meet Marit Larsen,before i even knew it would be really possible to meet her. In that dream, she was sitting on a bed,with a guitar in her hand. It took place in a small room,i think the walls were green. Behind her was a window. Somehow,she was having visitors, or maybe i was the only one there,i don't know. But what i never forgot was how she,the girl with the blonde hair, sang and played the guitar. She sang a song,so beautiful it could have made me cry,even after i woke up. It was impressive. My idol sang for me. When i woke up, i wrote everything down. I had melodies for verse and chorus,plus some lyrics for the verse and lyrics for the chorus. So it was quite complete. The last line before the chorus,something i still remember her sing,was "sometimes i commit myself,sometimes i let it go". You have to know,at that time,i didn't know if these lyrics made any sense at all. But it looks like it does make sense...usually,when someone sings in a dream in a foreign language,then it doesn't necessarily make sense. Anyway,the chorus was just yippie-ya-yay all over,but not in a happy way. It's more like a sad chorus,trying to show the superficiality of this hurray hurray world that isn't so hurray at all. That's how I interpreted it. In some way,it feels like this is more Marit's than my song. Haha...too bad i didn't mention this to her when i met her.

There were other dreams of this kind. I just thought i'd mention this. Maybe,if i had written down dreams more diligently,i would now have a new song in my list. A future #1 hit. A song that changed the world. Or nothing at all. Who knows what impact a song can have, and what changes when it's stillborn.

The world through the eyes of disabled people

Today, a 3-days seminar ended for me. It had to do with my job. We work with disabled people in different institutions. What we did during this seminar was to discuss our experiences in the first weeks,and then we went on and found out what it's like to spend time in a wheelchair. Not just for a few minutes. Each of us was in a wheelchair for one and a half hours,and we did had to act as if we were disabled people. We had tasks to do,like try to enter shops (no matter if they had stairs or not), get into a bus, ask around,see how passengers react.
The results were interesting. People around us were very helpful,only some of them,especially kids, looked alienated. The problem was that most places aren't very good for the disabled to enter. If you wanna buy a book, others have to carry you around and lift you up a lot of stairs. And now imagine you can't find the book you're looking for and have to be lifted down all the stairs for nothing.

On day three,which was today,we went to an organisation, Selbsthilfe Körperbehinderte e.V. , basically a place where help gets organized for disabled people,by other disabled men and women. They get young,healthy students to assist the disabled ones. We had an interview with someone who seemed like he was okay,but it took a while to realize what was wrong with him. Actually you can't say something was "wrong". He talked and moved like a normal person, i wouldn't have thought anything. Then he told us the story of his life. That he had some kind of a stroke years ago,in his brain. He lost the ability to speak although the words were right in his head,but as if his mouth had been taped,he couldn't utter them. And the right half of his body gives him a lot of trouble. The way he talked about all this was very emotional and moving. He didn't lose his sense of humor,he was smiling a lot and he invented instruments to be used by people in his situation. I have to say...respect.

Somehow it's good to get to know people like that. I mean, if we wanted to live our lifes in complete awareness,we'd have to escape from death in a big accident...something we never forget and that reminds us of how short life could be. That's of course something none of us would like to experience. But this experience...being reminded of how lucky we all are,is important sometimes. Whether it's the stories of WW2 that i heard from my grandfathers sometimes, or the bad fate of relatives and friends,or total strangers. Happiness is awareness of where we stand in life,always compared to what we are used to and what we know. There's the treasure of personal and non-personal experience,and it makes us to what we are. Someone who has always been rich and loses all his money,but is healthy and has a loving family,will not easily recognize that he didn't lose everything. But it's possible he will never be as happy as someone who is not so rich,hasn't found true love yet and is slightly sick,but has escaped death or war.

It's strange...do you people out there think you could be happy without something you really want at the moment,or something you have and don't want to let go of? I think if you lost one half of your body to paralysation,or you lost would have to say goodbye to someone you wanted to keep close to you,then you would be unhappy for very long. All of us would. And still,we would have to be glad that we still have other things....but we can't,can we? It's easy to say we could be happy,but we don't want to be satisfied when something good disappears from our sight. It lies in the human nature that we strive for more than what we have now. You can try to look at the other side, and try to be happy because you always have more than these unlucky ones. But at some point,you start looking at the top again...

Hm...what did i want to say...i don't know. I just hope i never lose something that means a lot to me,you know. It hurts to fall deeper than you've been before,even if there are deeper depths.

I will end this entry with a nice poem i recently discovered. Not sure if the english translation i found on the net does it any justice,but i like it. Maybe it fits to the resignation of those i talked about in this entry. All in all,it stands for being unable to fulfill your ambitions...judge it yourself.


Rainer Maria Rilke
The Panther

His vision from the passing of the bars
is grown so weary that it holds no more.
To him it seems there are a thousand bars
and behind a thousand bars no world.

The padding gait of flexibly strong strides,
that in the very smallest circle turns,
is like a dance of strength around a center
in which stunned a great will stands.

Only sometimes the curtain of the pupil
soundlessly parts –. Then an image enters,
goes through the tensioned stillness of the limbs –
and in the heart ceases to be.

original german version:

Sein Blick ist vom Vorübergehn der Stäbe
so müd geworden, daß er nichts mehr hält.
Ihm ist, als ob es tausend Stäbe gäbe
und hinter tausend Stäben keine Welt.

Der weiche Gang geschmeidig starker Schritte,
der sich im allerkleinsten Kreise dreht,
ist wie ein Tanz von Kraft um eine Mitte,
in der betäubt ein großer Wille steht.

Nur manchmal schiebt der Vorhang der Pupille
sich lautlos auf –. Dann geht ein Bild hinein,
geht durch der Glieder angespannte Stille –
und hört im Herzen auf zu sein.

Kafka

I have been fascinated by this writer for a couple of months. We had him as a major topic at german classes for a whole semester, read one novel by him ("the metamorphosis") and a couple of short stories. You can read one of them here http://www.pith.net/pithfiles/b4law.htm .

What's fascinating about Kafka is that he writes in a bizarre way. His stories are surreal, unemotional, cold, cruel, sometimes dream like, sometimes written like reports. The first sentence of a novel or short story often reveals a lot of information and draws the reader instantly. Just one example:

When Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into a gigantic insect.

Then what's also special is that "unreal" situations like the transformation into an insect are often very isolated in the novel. There are no further dream like or unreal situations,and there's never an explanation,never a wondering about the bizarre event that took place.

When you have finished reading,you start thinking what the story means. You can approach it in any way you want,you can try to interpret it, and you can try to imagine what the author meant. But you are always left with questions. The story somehow teaches you something, but it doesn't say what and it's up to you to guess the meaning...or create a meaning in your mind. The meaning is open and locked at the same time.

I ordered "The trial" and "In the penal colony". I'm not sure if i will be able to read any of these novels since i have stuff to read for the next weeks (thanks to someone ;) ) but i knew i'd read Kafka again some day. Maybe it's this uncertainty and doubtfulness that always surrounded this man,his work and his life that make him interesting for people like me. He finds words for the indescribable while not telling anything at the same time. It's already impossible to describe it. There's a word for this kind of style,invented just for him,and it's called kafkaesque so that shows how special his writing style is.

Let's see if i still like him when i read these two novels...

Quaestio,Quaestionis ; feminine. - question,interrogation,inquiry

There are days when you don't know if you should be happy,angry or sad. Or everything together. I had a lot of pleasure today,and a little bit of disappointment and angryness towards the end. But tonight,i won't cry after my (temporarily) lost talent. I'm too old to let it cross my way like that. Not now,not tonight. At the moment,there is only one single thing that, by its absence,its disappearing,fading or total loss,could destroy me completely. But it's not music.

One of the things i have to change in my life is the way i switch between pessimism,realism and optimism. For me,they are all important. I wouldn't want to live without the pessimist in me. It's because of my history. I need to have low goals sometimes,because if i fly to high and fall, i will not,like others,stand up again. I will curse myself and be unforgiving,i will be my worst enemy. That's my father complex,coz he was the one who was as strict with me as i am now. That's not supposed to put the blame on him now,i'm done with this. I'm just letting you readers know i know why i am like that.

Pessimist,realist and optimist all have their advantages,and in my life i have been all of them at some point. I try to be a realist with optimistic ambitions,but i try to keep all expectations down like a pessimist. It's better to expect the worst and hope for the best than expect something that won't happen in the end. A pessimist is someone who is secretly a humble person...because he doesn't expect to have a good life.

My big problem is that,apart from these three attitudes, is this: I worry too much. I don't think it has to do with pessimism. I wouldn't mix that up here. I don't think in a pessimistic way,i just think too much. Other people enjoy their lives,but it's hard for me to do because i'm a person who is hungry spiritually. I have to find answers where there's no answer yet. I'm not calm enough when the look goes into the future. How do you call that?

Does it make me a negative person when i can't stop to ask questions towards life? Am i a pessimist when i don't want to just live but know what happens after life? Is it wrong to keep wondering about all this?
I know i'm not alone with this. What keeps me fascinated and shocked is that there's often no way of knowing. I'm bound by the answerless questions. What happens after death? What happens in one year? How will (important event) turn out to be? What's the meaning of life?

I've been wondering for long. It gets complicated,but it gets interesting too. Maybe it's not me who is weak,maybe the ones who can't tolerate to think about stuff like that are weak. They focus on the here and now,trying not to let go what they have. At least i prepare myself.

I'm not depressed or happy,i'm just curious. Where will my mind lead me when i walk in the woods the next time. What will the next dream i dream tell me. What will the readers of this blog think about what i say here. And why does it always feel like i wrote nonsense when i've finished an entry.

To be or not to be,that is the question.

New beginning with zerø creativity

I thought about some things that might help me solve the problem. But it's not certain if it will really be helpful. The first thing is,i have to stop writing lyrics until i have the feeling i really have an idea. Then there are other ways to go about it. I can take someone else's lyrics and try to make a song out of it,and then replace the lyrics by my own when i know the melody (makes it easier to write). Or i take a couple of chords and try to sing a melody out of it,which makes me avoid the melody problem, coz i've been hitting the same notes on the keyboard when i tried to write melodies. Writing melodies on the guitar won't work,i suck at the guitar. The fact that i have a dust-collecting guitar since 2002 doesn't excuse this. I really can't do anything with a guitar.

What else is possible...
-Buy a new instrument
-Try to get inspired in my dreams
-Get drugs (i won't)
-Get drunk (i won't)
-Travel (not yet,no money)
-Get out,meet friends, get involved into social life,do crazy things (that's not me)
-Frame Marit's autograph and put it on the wall,in hopeful awaiting of inspiration coming from the words and the paper touched by Marit (possible but not probable)

If it makes me angry to write a song,then i will throw everything away and do something more enjoyable but less meaningful. I know how to waste my life,i'm an expert at this. My life requires new methods,and the golden rule is,when life is good,then you're in a creative crisis. When you're in a midlife or quarterlife crises, you are a genius at music.

Okay. So i'm too happy. I won't complain.

What else is there to report. Nothing i suppose. I don't have to talk about my walk in the woods that i did the other day. Nothing happened. And i don't have to talk about what happened with my online friends,you can read it in their blogs. And i don't have to talk about anything else either,nothing big seems to happen. The only thing i can say now is,life can be so boring that the ticking of the new clock i got is so penetrating it feels like an earthquake. So this is how it feels. It's good that i have to go to work again tomorrow,my ass hurts and i think it will have to be amputated if nothing happens soon. Now you see how exciting my life really is.

And just so you know,yesterday i was depressed just because of this songwriting and the following chain reaction. I get too much into thinking,and the result isn't good at all. But I must say it's nice to get some encouragement from ppl. Of course only useful encouragement.

What i have to do in the next days and week is to find a way out of my stagnation at a high level. Ahhh... i don't know how to make useful sentences any more. I will quickly press the button to publish this before i delete it all. *Sighs*

Failed

One of the feelings i hate the most is when i try something harder and harder-and fail. And i become so angry that my state of mind becomes counterproductive for what i am trying to do,so i fail more.
That i am empty and out of inspiration at music instruments wasn't new for me. And i know i have to live with the fact that i can't get the slightest new melody out of an instrument any more. Instead of this,when i try to play random notes,i end up playing the same notes or patterns all over again,as if i was magically forced to play the same stuff. Okay,i can live with that. Very good for my self-confidence in an ironic way. What i don't like is that now my whole head stops to be at my service. I have lost all my talent. I can't write lyrics any more. I tried hard,and i tried to think of a topic to write about,but even that is totally impossible. You gotta know,it's pretty hard to write a song even when you know what you want to write about. But writing a song when you don't even know a topic is impossible. More impossible than meeting a famous person.
So here it is, i can stamp "failure", "loser" or "uncreative" with big red letters on my forehead. Would suit me well. Argh!I wonder why this has to be. For every good thing in my life,i have to suffer somewhere else. The more i fail at this, the more i wanna throw away all my interest and passion for music. There are enough things that i COULD write about: The fear of the future,the quarrel with the awareness of ones death, the problem that we live in a world that forces us to believe certain ideas from our childhood on. Many things. But that's not where the writing process can start. I need concrete ideas for the song. With what words it will start,what stylistic means it will have,if it's a story,or maybe more a list of important words. Is "You" or "I" used in it. How do i adress the listener. So many questions. But nothing comes up and i'm sick of this. Music is not fun any more,not like this. What i have is a couple of so far unused melodies, i got some of them in dreams i had at night. But i'm afraid that my career in music might be over. I lost my talent,whether temporarily or not,and i'm about to lose my patience. I don't like to struggle all the time. I only do things that work at once. One of my flaws, i don't do anything that takes too much effort. That's something that explains me being suicidal at times. I tend to give everything up before i have to face a fight.
So what does all this teach me? That it's better not to try to write a song at all? Better wait for this once-in-4-months hit of inspiration? I don't know. All i know is that trying to write songs leaves a bitter taste in my mind everytime i fail. Music is supposed to be a pleasure for me,but i take it personal if it doesn't work. It's my personal failure when something like this happens. For a moment,i forgot about this. When i sat down to write i thought "oh it can't be that hard,and it can't be that frustrating...i must have been in a bad mood when i last tried it". But it's true,it really makes me hate this hobby.
Now imagine this was something i had to do to live from it. Most impossible. Under pressure i can't do this at all i suppose. Now i'm filled with hate,but i can't find words for it or notes. And writing a song about writer's block is more than poor.
So what is left to do when the intuitive,creative brain half doesn't work, and the logical,word-seeking half can't help either? All i can do is turn away from music in anger. But on the other hand, who cares. Do i need music to be happy? No. If it's supposed to be like that,okay. My producer couldn't write songs for a whole year once,and i think this time might begin in my life about now. Not very good for me, but that's what seems to happen. I can only produce some old songs i still have,then i've run out of ideas. Would be a good time to quit producer lessons, i could need the money somewhere else. A bad thing though. But i have to face a very sad fact: Since 2001 my creativity went down more and more. I wrote less good songs every year. I can't say it in numbers,but i know that's the way it is. Life has over-satisfied me. All that could be expressed now is beyond all expressable emotions,both good and bad. There's no words and melodies for my thankfulness in some things,and there's no way to describe the sorrow and the worries of the limitations of my life. I see them a lot and almost every day. I look into the face of a disabled person and think "that could happen to someone in your family too". Or i read about someone who died and think "you will lose people that are close to you too". Or i think of the small but depressingly unchangeable little things that separate my views from other ppl's views. And i think of how my parents and other ppl influenced me in such a way that i don't know what's right or wrong.
That's another topic at the moment for me. But i can't explain it. I drift away from everything, i'm lost somewhere. Maybe i should write a song about that...oh no,wait. I don't want to get into the mood to commit suicide. Coz that would happen if i go on with (trying to do) songwriting...
RIP songwriting career?

Male psychology

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Time to talk about something that's got nothing to do with my life,or just a little. I sometimes philosophy or think about some topics. And i make up my own theories. This post is dedicated to all the girls who have a boyfriend and who might wonder why he is strange in some way...and with that i mean why he might be looking at other girls, think of other girls,flirt with other girls,have playboy wallpapers in his room and so on. The person who inspired me to this is Shida. You can check out her blog,it's in my link list. Very nice to read (her blog i mean).

Where do we start. Okay,first of all,the male homo sapiens underlies very low and simple principles. Depending on his intelligence,the social status and the education,it's more or less important for him to show his male strength,which often means his sexual power. A lot of the things i will talk about have to do with something we call Adlerscher Machttrieb (check for Alfred Adler for further information). In other words, it's all about the drive for power. It starts in everybody's childhood,no matter if it's girl or boy. I have to leave out a lot of the basic stuff,but what you have to know is that a human being always strives for power,recognition and all kinds of stuff that have to do with that.

At some point in time, the male human being is through with the inner-family fights,and the days of peer pressure (commiting small crimes,doing risky things) are over too. Then comes the stage when he has to face the real world,and that means to prove himself as a real man. He has to show everybody that he knows how to get chicks, how to check out "hawwwwt chicas" and stuff. So you get the idea,it's his "duty" to get into contact with as many girls as possible,to stand this test of nature in front of his (male) friends and himself.

Additionally,he has a program built in that forces him to act like this. In primitive times,if you believe in the theory that there was a stone age, it was important for the man to produce offspring very quickly. It wasn't the man's role to take care of the household (cavehold in early days). He had to hunt,collect berries and have sexual contact with as many women as possible. Also in competition with other men who wanted to spread their genes. Now think for a second: Is there any reason why the male program,the thinking pattern,the male psychology should change? No. That's clear. As clear as the fact that a life form like a plant doesn't need a brain for the simple reason that it cannot move and thus doesn't need a very expensive development (expensive in evolution terms) like a thinking machine.
And there we are. The male brain still has the same sex instincts as many years ago. That's the reason why boyfriends act like this. Let's look at the consequences.

What you have to know is that nowadays, a lot of things DID change. In the good old days,when a naked woman and a naked men met in the middle of the african bushes, it happened that the man got horny and did what you can clearly imagine now. He was the leader of a group of women and children and he had to make sure there will be ppl who take care of him when he is old. Same like today. Now back to the present. You can imagine that the average man thinks about sex much more often than he gets the chance to apply sex. And he still has the same program. So when he sees an attractive girl, he thinks of sex but he cannot jump at her of course. That's something he cannot do at that moment. The consequence is that he has to find a compensation for his sexual drive,so he has to flirt a lot,look at a girl's butt (even if he walks hand in hand with his girlfriend while he does that!) or make compliments.

The most important thing is that there's a clear border between thinking and doing. And between feelings and mere sexual drives. I think it's okay if a guy dreams of having sex with another girl than his own girlfriend, and Sigmund Freud would agree with me since he thinks that the dream has the function to make the dreamer live out his innermost sexual wishes. The difference is just, the sexual aspect is only a physical thing,and it doesn't mean anything. On the other hand,that does NOT mean that it's okay if a guy flirts with other girls all the time when he has a girlfriend. You have to pay tribute to the beast in yourself,but you have to be a socially intelligent person at the same time. We have highly developed structures,morals and values. It's what separates us from the ppl we were supposed to be thousands (millions?) of years ago.

Here's what's acceptable (+) and not acceptable (-) in my opinion. Girls should tolerate it and guys shouldn't worry about it. But there's of course limits everywhere.

+ guy dreams about having sex with someone who is not his gf once in a while
+ guy finds a girl physically attractive
+ guy imagines the girl naked (but dismisses the thought and doesn't go horny when he has a gf)
+ guy makes compliments to an attractive girl, but doesn't offend or humiliate his girlfriend

- guy dreams about having sex with someone who is not his gf all the time
- guy thinks of a different girl while having sex
- guy flirts with a girl who is not his gf
- guy imagines a girl who is not his gf naked, or imagines having sex with her for a long period of time, while being lusty about it
- guy looks at other girls' butts in a very obvious way and intendedly

I could add points. By the way,everyone is invited to comment on this.

Always remember October...

Dear friends,

It's been 3 months since we came together (my girl and me). And as if it's another reminder that destiny is on our side, the letter she wrote to me a whole while ago arrived here today. No yesterday,not tomorrow,and not when letters usually arrive here. It took very long and we both had been ready to accept the mail got lost on the way,and that it would have been good if it would just come back to her. But now it arrived here at my adress, finally. Too bad i always feel tired and can't find time to really lie down somewhere to read it in silence once more. I have to work hard these days so i need to find time another day. Also to start working on this project i announced recently.

What can i say about October,about these 3 months (almost typed years ;) hehe) and this year,2005. You shouldn't praise the day before the evening has come,as we say here,but i'll write down some thoughts.

October is one of those months of thinking,like fall and winter are for me in general. Thinking months. In October,the leaves fall down,they've turned yellow,brown,red. The mornings are cold,sometimes the sky is filled with red clouds. You can hear car tires drive over wet asphalt. You smell a fresh wind of wet air and grass. The sound of the birds sounds different. Instead of happy (and still annoying) summer sounds you hear the cawing and screaming of crows and ravens. October makes me think.
And these three months of our relationship are just the beginning of something that i hope will be beautiful and everlasting. There are days when i feel depressed and i'm scared she won't accept me,coz how do i know that the "me" i am to her now is the "me" i am to her when we meet next year. Both is me,but there are different ways that it shows,and there's the Mike that doesn't let everything close and the Mike that can open up,but it's hard to tell how it will be. On other days,i'm optimistic, coz i know we do have a chance. I know she isn't perfect either and she surely would like to have someone who holds her and tells her that she is what she is,special. And i know that she would only have to tell me to go on and i'd go on forever with these things.
Time will show,but that doesn't mean that i want to let things go their own way. I'm not into "let's see if it works". I really wanna make it work. I know i can't do much but i don't want to make it sound as if i don't care. I care a lot and i wish,hope,and pray for success.
Three months weren't much when you look at what it did cost. We had to go through doubts and a little pain sometimes,and we will have that coming again and again,but i see good times coming too. Everytime she smiles,she makes all the things disappear that tortured me.

About this year...
I've mentioned it a lot and i don't want to bore anyone. Maybe i'll write again about this when december comes,but i can say a little now. 2005 was good. No doubt. It's all about how it turns out to be when it's over and how much time you spent being happy and sad. In 2 months i can say if it turned out good or bad,but no matter what,i felt loved for the first time. And i wanna say that i felt loved by a lot of ppl. And if you,dear reader,are one of the ppl who know me and if we chatted this year and you have the feeling we're friends, then you can be sure i'm talking of you too now. I'm glad for all the good ppl who made me feel good. Some of you gave me good advice. Sometimes it was just a book that you recommended that i bought and read, and it made sense and i got a little,just a little bit of experience and wisdom from it. But still a little bit that i don't wanna miss. Others were there when times got rough,and without them,i don't know if i would write this now. There were just a few days this year when the anguish and agony of this world didn't seem bearable any more. I could have stopped breathing this year,but i endured thanks to you guys and girls.

For some reason,the songs that i work on in the studio of my producer always have some resemblance to the real life in the here and now. I will soon finish a song that was written in 2002 as far as i remember. But when i wrote it i had the feeling that the moment when it felt appropriate would still be far away. Now it feels right to record this song. This song stands for getting older,becoming independent, starting to live your life. I made a big step into the right direction this year. The song conveys some of this feeling to the listener...maybe you will find yourself there too.

I wish i had more free time. Time to sleep in and to sit down to make music. I could get into a trance again and play for hours. Getting lost in these songs i love. Coz i love a little bit of melancholy here and there,that's me. I just love these songs that express a certain feeling,whatever it may be,but there's still this little bit of imperfection there. Something you can't have,something you miss,something that's still not right. What would life be if we were satisfied completely,with nothing to aim for at all. Yeah,maybe we would be happy, but then again,we don't have a choice anyway.

For today,i will be happy for what i do have. If i let her know that she's the reason for my happiness,every day in every way, then i can't go wrong.

The torture of knowing too much,of thinking too much

Life is always moving in little circles. There's always a point where you notice you've c0me across a problem before,or a situation,or a feeling. My problem is that i think too much because i wonder too much about what keeps the world together and what the meaning of life is. The situation is that I receive something from somewhere that makes me think and then i can't let go of the thinking. And the feeling is that i become desperate for a moment and have to stop or i will become so depressed i'd rather kill myself than facing the problem itself (i won't kill myself).

How do i explain. I'm confronted by the question what life is about. It's difficult to talk about this, but lately i've become aware of how easy it would be to lose someone. Imagine anyone you love. Imagine the person you love the most,no matter who it is. Now ask yourself, if he or she dies, what happens then? Not to you, but to that person. What did he/she believe that happens after death? Does this person's view of life and death harmonize with your own idea? Will you see this person again?

You can keep on asking questions, i only gave you a few of them to think. Independently from what people i love believe, i don't have a religion or faith at the moment. I believe in love and i believe in some sort of good nature in human beings. The only thing i try to do is to live my life in the best way for others and myself. I try not to hate,i try to be helpful and good. And i cherish the good things about life,whether it's love, silence, or beauty. Or of course music.
But there's something that has to happen after life. If someone could prove that there's no god and no life after death (nobody can or will),then we all could at least know what we have and then we would know that our actions on this planet we live in,in the one life we have,define us as what we will be remembered as,and that we can only give a meaning to our life by leaving something behind for others to see. We could dedicate our life to what is most important for us, and everyone could see what we died for in the end.

But now the situation is different. We don't know what happens,and what we think that happens is a question of believing. Religion is just one part of it. It's not only what happens after life,it's also how does everything work. Is there destiny. Is everything destined to happen some way, why is there so much violence and so much disease and death in this world. Who is right and who is wrong, and how can i ever,ever be sure that what i believe is right. And if i believe in something, how do i know i won't be judged and sent to suffer a cruel punishment.

I'm a thinker.

Things to do

Here is what i will have to do in the next weeks:

-Contact a person who will put my video material from video cam to PC. Then i will put a short clip of my meeting with Marit online for the fans out there.

-Buy cables so i can finally record songs at home again (I also have to find out how this new program works)

-Start this new blog project with my girl. We'll let you know.

-Work. Not for fun,not for pleasure. Just to earn money. Money i need in order to do something that's important for the rest of my life, and for someone else too.

-Take good care of her,as always.

And i hope i will entertain my few readers a little. Sorry btw for making spelling mistakes,i'm a very furious writer. Once i start writer,i want to get over with it and finish the text quickly. So i don't read it again.

I will be very busy soon. I have to work from mondays to fridays,and this weekend, i have to take part in a first aid course. So saturday and sunday is nothing but work. At least i know what to do when a disabled person collapses. How nice. I'm looking forward to applying these techniques already.

But you know, i don't complain here. My life looks very good at the moment. Music isn't the main thing in my life,but i know i can fall back on it. And if it doesn't even take music to feel good,then it must be really good, coz usually i'd be either in a bad mood or too bored so i'd have to make music. But now, there is no "usual" any more. My life is so different from not even 12 months ago. And i could go on talking about 2005 now,but i'll do that later when it's reflection time again for me.
You will hear from me again. Take care,my friends. And remember what you DO have and not what you don't have. You might wanna slap yourself for not being aware of it once things go worse.

She loves me

I have to say something and i don't know how i can say it.

This girl who means happiness to me, and the girl i really love, she managed to beat everything that has been said between us. I don't want to quote it here, it's very personal. But what she said touched me, and it was the best i have ever heard. It's so much more than just a display of love and affection. There are things that go further than the standard. Dear readers, i have had many good experiences this year. So if i call anything the best this year, or even the best thing in my life so far, then you can bet it has to mean a lot, and i don't get impressed easily coz i have had the pleasure to have a lot of dreams being fulfilled lately. My meeting with Marit Larsen is history for 2 months now, today. But even 100 Marit meetings aren't enough to beat what happened to day.
My girl was in a sad mood, but she brought that sweetest words over her lips. I wish i could be able to express myself like this, just to let her know that i'm thankful, that i love her, and that i don't want anything but exactly the same with her that she wants with me.

The situation is different from other relationships, and if i told you about them, you might say it's stupid, or impossible, or that it's too early to say certain things. But then tell me why it feels so right and so good. And apart from that, there are not many ppl who would be able to lead such a relationship. It has to be very spiritual and not physical at all. So you get the idea.

Ppl sometimes ask me why i do some things concerning my relationship. Things like planning ahead several years, or getting involved so much, feeling-wise. I can tell you, it's simple. If it all goes wrong, does it change anything? I wanna love this girl and be with her, so i have to give everything i have. And i have to give up my defence and give her all the trust i can offer. I'm lost wether i give her all and it goes wrong or if i don't open up and lose her. But if don't lose her, if everything works, then it will pay off that i open myself for her. And we are determined to make it work. I cannot make a bet with the world, promising them we will make it through. But i promise you guys out there, you ppl who always doubt and critisize: I will knock on your door when it works and then i'll let you know that you should shut up. You know nothing because all you can do is talk about the impossible. I made the impossible come true, wether it's my personal impossibility or other impossible things. I know what impossible means. And what i wanna do with my girl is not impossible, it's somewhere between possible,likely,unlikely and stuff like that. But the chance exists. And tonight i was told good things, so the chance increased a lot. To not make it work,the whole world has to be against us. Or destiny. Coz me and her, that's something that will last. And only the outside could force us violently not to be together. But let's just wait...just wait...just wait....

And if YOU read this, i hope you know that i really care. And this is OUR dream.

More about me

Hi again,

I didn't say much about who i really am and under which circumstances i live.
I live at home (whatever that means) with my mum and bro. This brother is about to become 18 years old, which is hard to believe. I remember as if it were yesterday when we played video games at the age of 17 and 12. Haha...
I'm a musician,that's what has been important for me for a couple of years now. But i'm not the kind of musician who can play songs well on a piano or guitar. I suck technically, and a lot of ppl can sit down on a piano,play some great classical pieces of music using both hands,playing different things at the same time, and thus make me look like a beginner. Yes,that's something where i'm not good at. But on the other hand, and that's not just my opinion because if someone is self-critical,then it's me, people who think that this makes me a lame musician are probably not entirely right. My hidden strength is (or was?) that i can write songs. Yeah i know,a lot of ppl can write songs. I was lucky to know someone who has his own studio,so i could record these songs, and i arranged them too. When i write a song,i don't just think of the singing and guitar,like most ppl would do. I hear the song,and then all the ideas come one by one. I want to create a perfect landscape of sounds,and i want a perfect image in the end. What i wanna create is more than an experiment and more than a simple song. It has to work. And i need to find the balance between a song that simply asks the listener to hear its melody and a big experimental sea of weird sounds that are sometimes crazy. Many musicians forget what's important,they are either too much in love with the few words and notes they create,so the music gets boring and the quality suffers,or they fall in love with effects,sounds,noises,and end up forgetting that music is about how it makes the listeners feel.
My idea of music is this: A great melody and chords that fit to it. And then,you have to put everything else around this. You have to carry the ppl with you. What has to come out in the end is not what the musician wants...it's what the inspiration,the music and the ear want.

What else can i say...hm...
I started as a creative mind. The half of the brain that is intuitive,creative,daydreaming...that's kind of what i was like at the beginning. In the late 90s,when i was introduced to video games by my dad, the first creative process that made me aware of my will to be creative was a video game called World Grand Prix. A racing game. It had a function where you could edit your own race course. And that was where it got interesting. Coz i'm not a musician or movie director in the first place. I only love to create something new. That's my point.

At school,i was good at creative things...mostly writing stories. Once a teacher advised me to go for becoming an author. But things have changed and i feel like i lost some of my creative power. I seem to never find the right words. In english,it even goes so far that i hate myself for not finding the right words to start with. I start sentences with "I", "And" or "But", and you probably realized that already. Argh!

Since a couple of years ago,i also like to think a lot. I philosophy about life, i imagine scenarios of my future, analyze my fears,neurosis,ideas...and i read psychology books. I did some lucid dreaming,if you don't know what it is,find it out. For ppl who have an interest in dreams,it's worth the experience. But you really have to be interested to make it happen. 50% effort won't help you. In the long run,lucid dreaming is hard to make it happen coz you lose motivation,though it would really be worth doing it.

One of my habits is to walk around at night and sit down on a hill to watch the stars and the city lights. Then i think about life and how the past changed me. Happens every few months,depending on how life has been to me. I often think about the year when it ends,September is one of my thinking months,and the first of them too. Coz the year has gone far enough to show if it was a good or bad year. I'll come to that in a detailed way in a later post.
One of the reasons why i ended up in depressions was that I couldn't deal with the questions i had to life. And i could only get out of the depressions by letting the questions rest. One question is about the meaning of life,connected with religious aspects. I wonder how i can believe,truely believe in a god when i get punished for it with depressions. Or how i can believe in a religion in general...when all could be wrong. I try hard to tell myself that the answer will come,like all answers so far came. And dreams that came true,dreams i never dared to believe in. But what i'm afraid of is that i wait too long,then something terrible happens,and i lose the chance to find the answer in time.

So much for now. I will throw a lot of questions into the cyber world. You can think about everything yourself. Do you avoid to ask these questions,or did you find your answers already?

An introduction to my life

Dear readers,

I started this blog to write down my thoughts and feelings,like everyone does who starts a diary or a blog. If ever anyone is interested in reading this (and i already know someone's interested), i will write something about how my life went,so every person who wants to know a little about me can go to the beginning of this blog and read the story of my life. It may be too short here,too long there,but it's an attempt to give you an image of the person who's writing this.

I was born in the south of germany,in a city called Leonberg. You could translate it with "lion mountain", which sounds pretty cool. I can't tell a lot about my first years. I know my first teacher, a woman who i had in grade 1 and 2, was a cruel woman who always shouted a lot. A tyrant woman. I was glad we moved away a couple of miles. That's something important about my life. I moved several times and i got surpressed by my dad/other ppl often. The moving part explains why i don't connect with ppl easily. It always seemed to me that friendship isn't for long. And due to my childhood, i'm used to mistrusting ppl. The marriage of my parents wasn't too great and the relationship between me and my dad only went better after the divorce. I grew up knowing that i am not supposed to make mistakes. Every mistake made me an idiot in the eyes of my dad. So that meant: Don't try anything,stick to what you know. Don't risk,don't dare. You will fail.

I wasn't too popular in my early days of school. I was shy,timid,fearful,scared to death. Yes, your family decides what person you become later on. It took many therapy sessions from my childhood until the age of 19 until i could call myself more or less done with the problems.

The real story of my life starts in 1994/1995. That's the time when my memory really started to function reliably (do you know that when there's a certain time where you really become aware of events,days,months years and how time passes? A getting-aware of yourself). I only had few hobbies,but one was making small movies with a video camera. In 1994, i started with this movie called "murder in the dark". It still exists somewhere. It's crazy watching yourself as a 11 year old. Anyway, i don't have that much memory of 1994. I don't even recall the day when my dad's biggest idol, Ayrton Senna, died. I have the video tape of that race at home too...

1995 was one of the better known years,and the first time where i was really aware of my own life. When 1995 was coming to an end, i said "it's still 1995" in the last few seconds before 1996 started.
In 1995, i made a movie called "the one-eyed strikes back". It's about teenagers fighting and calling each other on the phone. The movie got lost after i moved away the year after and never returned,but there's a chance it still exists somewhere. The movie was based a lot on the tv series "Kung Fu" and features the typical fighting style with the tricks used...but let's not get into detail too much.
1995 was also the year when my dad almost died in an accident. He wanted to pick me up from the psychologist but never arrived. On a hot day,he wanted to overtake a cue of cars on a fast road. A mercedes collided with him on the opposite lane. His fault. He suffered from complicated injuries in one of his feet,and the ppl in the other car,including a girl,were obviously gonna have injections for the rest of their lives.

1996 was the year when -finally- my parents got divorced. Too much violence from my dad over the years. It wasn't an easy time,but it had to happen sooner or later,and it was rather later than sooner. My childhood was already screwed. I moved to the city i live in now, in the middle of germany. Before that,i finished working on the movie "the white killer fish". I think the name explains everything.
I had to switch schools,get along with new ppl in a new environment. I never got really close friends from that time,nothing i stay in contact with or want to stay in contact with.

I had some advantage in learning since the south german school system at that time was much better developed,so 1997 was quite a successful year for me. I had great grades even at math tests. In the fall of 1997, i moved once more,but only a few streets away. My grandpa had died that year (the first time i lose someone in my family) and we moved to an old ppl's home where my grandma was gonna live from then on.

Then came 1998. I was slowly losing my advantage in school, things got rougher. At some point it could be foreseen that life was gonna get difficult. I passed the school season of 1997/1998 just luckily,though my teachers had claimed months before it would be very easy for me. I didn't notice how bad it would be, i wasn't prepared for anything bad and the following season,so i thought, would be like last year.

But then came 1999, the darkest year of all. I got new teachers in all subjects. The standard was risen. They wanted us to be much better. Some teachers terrorized us,which made me feel very insecure. My grades went down rapidly,but i also didn't see any meaning in life any more. I had no idea what i was fighting or learning for. I never got anything back for my effort. No attention from the girls i liked, and no hobbies that would fill my empty life. I sank into deep depressions,which caused me to skip school,then be announced unable to go on with school. I had to go to several hospitals. The therapists didn't give me the feeling they knew what they were doing. They were book readers and doctors,but they had never felt the endless sadness that can cut holes into your soul. I can say that i was at the lowest point of my hole life. In August,i went to another of many hospital stations,and it was the worst experience ever. I was in the company of child abusers (even some who abused their own siblings), drug addicts and violent nazis. I was the only person who was not a criminal there. I felt like i was at the wrong place,but nobody thought of me as being worth more than them. How is this supposed to increase my self-confidence?
I felt treated like an animal. There's much to tell,i could write many chapters or even a small book about my experiences there. But i think the internet has its limits,and i want to leave space for others too.

I got out of hospitals for good in September 1999. From then on,it would never be as bad as it had been. I discovered a band that would accompany for many years, M2M. I didn't know why,but i knew they'd play an important role in my life,and they did.

The following year was a year of re-orientation. In 2000, i went back to school after a very long break. I was in grade 9 three times. When i was back, I was about to get 18 years old. And i was among 15-16 year olds. So you can imagine i had my doubts about wether i would be accepted or not. Of course,i didn't want to tell them about my past.

2001 was another year to remember. I felt quite good at some point. I managed to succeed at school, went to driving school,and i fell in love. But when i wanted to find out if the girl i loved would love me too,it appeared i had been wrong. Haha. I had a good feeling,but looks like it wasn't worth it. I was down and lost all hopes,but looking back it was the right decision to seek the truth. That didn't help me back then though. Oh,and in that year,i started working on movies again. One was "Biofinger", a James Bond movie based on our biology teacher,haha. It was too complicated to go on with,too many actors that didn't have time. So a new project started. "Kung Fu- Im Zeichen des Gänseliesel". Another fighting movie. It got more or less finished in 2004, but some scenes and a STORY LINE are missing.

Things went really well in 2002. I finished my driving licence at the first attempt. I had fun working on our movie. And i started recording songs. Songwriting became one of my hobbies in 1998. During my personality crisis in 1999,i had the most creative time ever. It almost always takes me a hard time to become successful at writing. 2002 was another year where i wrote many nice songs. Some of them are still being recorded now,in the present of 2005. In 2002,i recorded "Math will tear us apart". A song i wrote the year before, when math classes really sucked coz we had fun in other classes,but when math came,it got silent and depressing.

The song was finished in May 2003. It was another great year. In the summer of this year, grade 11 was over, and that meant that are wonderful class would stop to exist and be mixed up with the other 11th grades we had at our school. They'd form grade 12 the following season.

2004 went well too, a lot of song recording, a lot of movie making, a lot of doing this and that. I had started meeting ppl online in december 2003,and in 2004 i met many of my friends of today. This is where M2M kicks in again. One of its members was Marit Larsen, now a solo artist. I made many good friends at her chatroom. 2004 was a nice and stable year without any big events,and school went well too.

Now we've reached the present,but i can already draw the line for 2005. It was freaky. A freaky freaky year. Maybe the best...no, definately the best year of my life. I graduated from school. That's one thing that happens once in life. Then there's another thing that came soon after that. I met my biggest idol Marit in her own chatroom,just a couple of days before i was to go to my summer vacation in norway. She lives in Oslo, and when i met her at the chatroom, i asked her if we could meet. And that's what happened. I got autographs for many of my online friends,and now i can say i fulfilled one of my dreams. I can check the box next to "meet your biggest idol". It's done.
Another thing about 2005 is,i fell in love several times. It was always online (Marit Larsen chatroom, i thank you). In two cases,i got love back. Or let's say, in two cases, it was the girls who came to me. Once it was me but i failed,haha. Anyway,the first relationship was nice when everything was okay,but some things were terribly going wrong. During easter,i had maybe the worst time since 1999 due to this experience. I had thoughts of suicide again,also because i didn't know what to do with my life... if i should study and what.
Then came someone who saved me. I came together with this angel of a girl in july,and since then,we've been together (as far as together goes online). I'm taking this very serious,and i know that online relationships have their risks. But it's up to everyone individually to decide what such a relationship means.

This was a very short summary of a life that went up and down and up again. By the way, the song in my first entry is "Going home" by Sophie Zelmani. For me,it's the song of the year. It's not from 2005 but i discovered it just a few months ago. It expresses a feeling that applies to me in many ways. A kind of sweet melancholy. Not really depressing. Just... there's always a little longing,a little missing, a little incompleteness in life. There's always something from the past that you want back, or something from the future that you can't have yet. Or you feel that you have to accept some things...like death for example. Or that we have to accept that we are different. I'm not someone who goes to parties or who meets ppl. I hide at home and listen to silent,sad music. Not very often have we met, but the music's been too bad. So you know what it means to me. I must hurry home...

Going Home

Not very often have we met
But the music's been too bad
Can only sense happiness
If the music is sad

So I'm going home
I must hurry home
Where a life goes on...