Friday, December 23, 2005

Settling the score with 2005

The 24th of december is holy evening and that's when christmas starts here. Yes, already then. On the evening of this day,the presents are opened. The 25th and 26th are also christmas days. After that, the trees and stars can be taken off again.

I'm not a person who thinks about christmas so much. Some people have a bad feeling about it because they think everything is fake and artificial, just for making people pay money on presents. Other people love christmas and remember that it's there to show love and all that kinda stuff.
For me it's different from year to year. It's not about the things that never change that make me feel "christmassy". Not things like the decoration,or a music video where George Michael in his 80s look throws snowballs at other people. Christmas used to be a time of looking forward for me. I liked to think of all the presents i could get. The romantic atmosphere wasn't really a big thing for me. This year i will get a digicam to take some nice pictures. And that's good. But i'm not excited about it because i got all the presents already. And they can't be bought with all the money in the world. I just have to say that. Homer Simpson would say "Dear god,the gods were merciful with me". I'm not sure how i can be grateful for what happened in 2005. It doesn't happen every year that you fall in love with girls that tell you you mean a lot to them,and that one of the turns out to be the right one and the others have still been worth it for the experience it meant,and apart from that meeting your biggest idol. Damn! I can't believe what happened this year. And i graduated from school. Hello? There are more things i believe... I shouldn't forget the funny pleasent moments i had with friends,relatives, classmates. All these nice one-day experiences. And as i said,i don't know how to show my thankfulness,but i just wanna say "thank you".

When i look at how 2005 drowns in the cold of winter, I stand somewhere in my mind, looking at this year and its events, and i don't know how i should feel about it. It's slipping away, this year of luckiness. Sometimes I am nothing but just shocked. Can anyone understand this? A year was so good that I am shocked about how much happened. It's like when you see an accident in front of you happen and you can't forget the pictures. Something like that,but in a good way. A positive trauma. I still see Marit standing in front of me in the hotel lobby, I still see myself standing on the school yard on the day when the prank was,with loud music and happy people dancing around. I still see the words in front of me of people that said "I love you". It doesn't go away quickly. I suppose these things are the things that go through your head before you die. This year, I took some of the mind pictures that rush through your head when your life is over.

I have things to keep, autographs, drawings, letters, photographs. Some things will remain for 2006. I hope luck and love will be on my side in this next year too. What I need the most is... making the difference between success and failure,between making life worth living and giving it all up. I have some plans for 2006, and if they turn out well then it's my lucky streak. Good luck to all of you who read this. I hope you will be lucky in love and satisfied with your work. And maybe, just maybe, you will fulfill another dream of your life next year.

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