Thursday, July 20, 2006

More than just a feeling

It's 4:30 in the morning. One hour ago I went outside because I couldn't sleep any more. I needed it,going out to my special place. A place I have been going to since years ago. It has always been the place where I thought about my life. Lots of thoughts came to life there, and when I was there I always felt that this is where I reflect over everything,and it's like a kind of diary because I let all the thoughts out there and they can come back when I'm there again.

I felt a big burden on my shoulders. And I'm not exactly sure why I had to cry two times when I was there. To some extent it has to do with the stress and anger of my everyday life. And to some point it also has to do with the worry i had since last night. But it's always about a little more than just that too. If it was only about current problems,then there would always be something to fall back on. To me, it's always about life itself...and what to believe in. I also prayed two times.

I don't know why He chose to let things go this way. Is everything going to be alright in the end anyway? Perhaps He just wants to show me that my faith and love for this relationship is strong and more than just what has to do with feelings. But then I also wonder,why does this take me somewhere new while my family and everything that has to do with my old life drags me back to where i came from? Why does this all happen? And how do I know I will be on the right track?

Many questions came up. But it wasn't about that because I knew right then and right there that I won't be given the answers. Some people say "give me a sign". Well, you can imagine that He won't make it that easy for us. Life is more complicated than that and perhaps this is one of the things we will never understand. Why we worry,suffer and fight,and suddenly,after a long journey,we notice why it was so mysterious. Then we get the answers.

It was not necessary to have any questions answered. And just because I asked questions doesn't mean that I have come back from my place in the woods to be desperate. I'm not. All I needed was to talk to Him in the most honest way there is. I mentioned my feelings and how I can't let go,but that I need certain things at the same time. And it was necessary to cry it all out like that. It may be pathetic when you imagine other people in my age who don't run around at night to cry their heart out. But it was the best thing i could do.

What is left...I've gotten rid of pressure. What felt in the way before doesn't seem to be in the way that much any more. Some things about life you can control,some you can't and some you have to leave to others you can control them for you. As long as someone who is in favor of you is in control,just stand behind this person and everything should be okay. I don't want to doubt any more. I'm ready to face whatever will come,and just because i can't predict the future doesn't mean that i can't say "I'm with you" now. Decisions are never made for good. A decision is something you make all the time. It doesn't mean that you take it back from one second to the next,that's not what it's all about. Right now I make the decision to follow this and to trust it to become good...I'll see where it takes me.

Thanks to everyone and everything that helps me carry this weight.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Please please come true

Only a couple of days until I leave for Singapore. I will stay there for 4 weeks so don't expect any updates. I come back on august 20th and no matter what happens, I will be wiser. For all of you who know what this is really about: Yes, I am nervous. There is no way of knowing what will happen,what will go right or wrong. Guarantees don't exist,but I can tell that I prepared myself (and her) for everything I could. There are obstacles that I can't see, but even that is "part of the plan". To deal with what comes and not to let anything take us by surprise. If all goes well until I go back home, there are new challenges ahead and it's not the end of the journey. Not sure what it means to you to say "Can online relationships work". I suppose what you mean is that it only takes the people involved to fall in love like a real couple. Maybe that will happen and then you know it can work. But at the same time, there are more things to know. It's much more complicated and one reason why internet relationships have a bad reputation might be that you face problems that other couples don't face. Differences in culture,religion, behaviour. Questions about the future,who will take over which part, who will carry which kind of responsibility. But you know what? It doesn't matter right now. What I know is that I'm prepared. I am a perfectionist,yet a human being. But still, I can feel it when I'm satisfied about a development. Yes,it's true: I might forget about one very important aspect. If this was a mathematical problem to be solved,then maybe it would go wrong coz i didn't calculate a certain factor of it. But it's a little different. You can't plan everything and all I did was to make sure I do enough,say enough, think enough to get this feeling...the feeling that I, the perfectionist, has done enough preparation.

In some weeks you will know more. We all will. I can sense worries and hopes equally. I'm not sure if I will read this entry again. But I know that if I read it again, I don't want to look back and think "Oh,how naive i was". I'm letting you all know that I know this is not easy. But I take the risk and i've done something like this before. Booking a trip before you know if you can achieve your dream goal. Last time it did work. This time what's on the line is more than before. But I believe it's possibile. Not because I'm naive...I don't think I am. I just believe this can happen because it happened before,only because I told myself that you can never can never exclude the chance that it works. Do all the best you can do on your part,and hope that everyone else who is involved will give their best too.

Friday, July 07, 2006

One year and counting...

Tomorrow I celebrate my anniversary with my special someone. 12 months in a relationship that was different and still full of the things that are typical for a relationship.

But still it's only the beginning,coz there are things that didn't happen yet that happen in 99% of all other relationships. If you are someone who knows about this relationship,then you can guess why. Well, i think it's already a success to make such a relationship work for one year. Many relationships like these end pretty soon because it turns out there is no perspective for the couple. No plan,no idea who does what. Luckily it's different here and we knew from the beginning that we would want to reach some step within a year. We did,but we also did more because we tackled problems that would have come up later anyway. And i think we did well.

Nevertheless, I notice by the way I feel that it was time to reach "this step". There's a point when you need new energy,you just want to see where the relationship is going,so you need to find out if it's worth it. And that's not meant in a bad way,coz you know that you'll not hesitate to go on if things feel right.

Tonight I realize again how quickly a year passes. Though it was less quick than usual in my eyes. I remember the weeks and weeks of work, the seasons and how they changed,the endless waiting and praying that time may finally pass. And I'm not that much blown away that "this step" is being reached very soon. It didn't come that fast,but i'll be nervous pretty soon...but not too nervous maybe,coz it's more about finding out some things instead of getting the ultimate experience.

One thing is for sure. My special someone did a great job and i'm proud of her. If I'm just safe around her, I won't let small things get in the way. She is a good girl,a very good girl. And she's one of the reasons why i sometimes wonder why i'm so lucky. I wish she knew how good she really is for me...but I could let her know. Soon it's teddy bear-time ;)