Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Last post for this year

The best year of all is over. Goodbye 2005. May the future be good too...

I don't have much to say. Just a reminder for someone special: I'm thinking of you,baby.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Settling the score with 2005

The 24th of december is holy evening and that's when christmas starts here. Yes, already then. On the evening of this day,the presents are opened. The 25th and 26th are also christmas days. After that, the trees and stars can be taken off again.

I'm not a person who thinks about christmas so much. Some people have a bad feeling about it because they think everything is fake and artificial, just for making people pay money on presents. Other people love christmas and remember that it's there to show love and all that kinda stuff.
For me it's different from year to year. It's not about the things that never change that make me feel "christmassy". Not things like the decoration,or a music video where George Michael in his 80s look throws snowballs at other people. Christmas used to be a time of looking forward for me. I liked to think of all the presents i could get. The romantic atmosphere wasn't really a big thing for me. This year i will get a digicam to take some nice pictures. And that's good. But i'm not excited about it because i got all the presents already. And they can't be bought with all the money in the world. I just have to say that. Homer Simpson would say "Dear god,the gods were merciful with me". I'm not sure how i can be grateful for what happened in 2005. It doesn't happen every year that you fall in love with girls that tell you you mean a lot to them,and that one of the turns out to be the right one and the others have still been worth it for the experience it meant,and apart from that meeting your biggest idol. Damn! I can't believe what happened this year. And i graduated from school. Hello? There are more things i believe... I shouldn't forget the funny pleasent moments i had with friends,relatives, classmates. All these nice one-day experiences. And as i said,i don't know how to show my thankfulness,but i just wanna say "thank you".

When i look at how 2005 drowns in the cold of winter, I stand somewhere in my mind, looking at this year and its events, and i don't know how i should feel about it. It's slipping away, this year of luckiness. Sometimes I am nothing but just shocked. Can anyone understand this? A year was so good that I am shocked about how much happened. It's like when you see an accident in front of you happen and you can't forget the pictures. Something like that,but in a good way. A positive trauma. I still see Marit standing in front of me in the hotel lobby, I still see myself standing on the school yard on the day when the prank was,with loud music and happy people dancing around. I still see the words in front of me of people that said "I love you". It doesn't go away quickly. I suppose these things are the things that go through your head before you die. This year, I took some of the mind pictures that rush through your head when your life is over.

I have things to keep, autographs, drawings, letters, photographs. Some things will remain for 2006. I hope luck and love will be on my side in this next year too. What I need the most is... making the difference between success and failure,between making life worth living and giving it all up. I have some plans for 2006, and if they turn out well then it's my lucky streak. Good luck to all of you who read this. I hope you will be lucky in love and satisfied with your work. And maybe, just maybe, you will fulfill another dream of your life next year.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Philosophical thinking

The last days were all about ups and downs. It was an emotional journey. On some days I felt good,on others sad or depressed,or worried to extremes.

I made a resolution. Not for next year,for now. Resolutions only work when you are serious about what you want. I will concentrate on not worrying too much. When something gets serious,then i have to tell myself that i can just write away everything that concerns me and then send it out into the world. Or i let it go. But if i decide to send it out,then i might want to write it here. So i'm glad you people read it. So someone will notice it and that makes me feel better already.

I think I realized some of the reasons why a relationship can be difficult,even when it's a happy one. The luxury of being single consists of the ability to live life according to your own ideas,without the slightest compromises or changes. There are things you never have to worry about. From simple everyday stuff like "What if my partner wants to live vegetarian" to serious matters like "What if my partner dies", there's nothing for a single to worry about. Of course you might say,when you have someone you can both try to split up your needs. So everyone lives the way they want to. One could be the most religious person in the world,the other one an atheist. One could love to go to parties each weekend while the other one just sits at home. Or one could smoke and drink while the other one doesn't,and instead does other things the other person doesn't like. And so on. Okay,that was too much explanation.
For me,that's not really something i like. I want to get close to the person i love,and live with the same philosophy,or as much as possible the same way. It's okay to have personal hobbies and some alone time for each person. I'm not talking about simple stuff as that. I talk about stuff that has to do with how close ppl in a relationship are to each other. And that is something I struggle with.

When there are opposites,or big differences,only compromises help. That means changes,and changes often hurt. Or they are not easy to deal with.
I am able to adapt to changes. I only hope that there won't be a point where i can't follow any more. Where I can't make another step towards a compromise. And when I say this,i'm not afraid of everyday life. It's nothing that would necessarily make a couple split up again. What I am afraid of is that there might be a point where I have to say "Here,I must accept that we have different opinions on something philosophical/religious (insert any word you think fits)". Like i said before,it's not about one person being a jogger and the other one is more a club dancer. Blessed are the people who were brought up in a non-threatening environment when it comes to aspects of beliefs. Maybe it would be hardest for a religious person if the partner was a convinced atheist. And for the atheist,it would be the easiest thing in the world because there's nothing happening after death (for all atheists: I know that you might believe there is something after death like the elemental quarrel of the being but let's keep it simple).

Hm...I'm not really worried at the moment. That's a good sign i guess. I know that I think too much,but you must admit,someone who doesn't think about his life when he has the time doesn't think about his life when he's older,or does he? I think,either you are a person who thinks about life or you aren't.
I'm sorry if i caused confusion here. Hm...for everyone who read this,maybe you want to spend a moment of time to think where in life you stand,and what you believe in?

Monday, December 12, 2005


I accept yesterday as a happy day. I won't deny it was. And i knew i would need it. What i didn't know was that i would need it so soon. Now i feel very different again.

I feel sick in some way. My mind. It's so terrible to think about the future,with all the things that could go wrong. Which job do i take,and what if it makes me feel imprisoned? What if I have to choose again,and that costs me valuable years of my life? What if I regret my decisions one day?

This is more complex than you think. You might say,what does he worry about? He can just try something and if it doesn't work,do something different. I can't do least not without paying a big price somewhere else in my life. I don't have much time. I don't think i can explain it here.

My whole thinking infected and poisoned. Fear,sadness and guilt. Fear of what might come, because I can not last if some things go wrong. Sadness because i feel so helpless and misunderstood,and like this world doesn't allow me to live my life the way it would make me happy...or at least comfortable. And guilt comes because I can't do the expectations of others or myself justice.I'm sorry that i can't even be happy for two days in a row,for instance.

I want to escape out of somewhere,but there is no way out. Where am i anyway...

How do i stop worrying? It's something emotional,logical arguments don't help here. My mind is set to worrying. When one problem is solved,i worry on.

And now i see that even my posts are messy. Random thoughts. Will I go insane?

By the way,i'm too afraid to ask for professional help. I couldn't state my problem without crying. I'm even afraid that i think of "professional help" sometimes. Not again...never again,please. i need holidays i think...I have to go somewhere else soon. I'm more confused than anything else right now. And i don't get myself...i don't understand what my problem is. I'm just too sensitive and fragile,even for simple questions of life. I'm threatened.
I need to sleep now...maybe i will call this post exaggerated tomorrow...or stupid. But I can't deny that I want to hide from life sometimes...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Hard to believe but i'm happy

This is a historic moment. I want to announce that i am officially happy today. I wasn't happy yesterday and i'm not sure if i will be happy tomorrow,but right now i am happy. Very happy.

Everything works,for a very short time literally everything works. Some things that have been working pretty well work fantastic,some things that haven't worked at all start to work again,some things that never work don't count today.

What makes the big difference today is her. She made me so happy. I got the feeling I was able to tell her some things that were important, and that she should not forget. It's easy to make yourself feel comfortable by knowing what it is that you feel. But doesn't the real delight come from realizing how another person feels about you?
It was important to say how i felt. And to hear how she feels. Sometimes it feels like she doesn't realize there's no need to worry about how things are. It's only the outside world that causes problems,but between us I feel that everything is already as good as safe. And today,it felt like it is really supposed to happen. I see her picture and i think,this is the girl i want to be with from now on until forever. I found my soulmate, the person i will always be with physically or non-physically. I always ached for that person that would be there despite season changes,wars, misery,whatever may come. Just someone who's there. The one thing that never changes. The sweetest pleasure is when I allow myself to feel if it was already there,as if it was already promised that she will agree to be this special someone for me for all times. I open that door and look inside,and see what could be one day...and yet i have to close it because it's not time,and we have to open this door together,or never at all. But as i said, i'm happy. And i have hope.

Songwriting works again since yesterday. I had the melodies in my head for a while,and yesterday i didn't only play them,i also found the right chords and the theme of the song. I guess you can imagine what i feel like writing about now. If not,then read the paragraph above again.

So these are two very important things that work,and they make me feel a lot better. My job also does well,it keeps me busy and i'm routined with it. I can get tired sometimes and would like to go home earlier,but it saves me from boredom=depression. And cooking is nice too. Saturday is cooking day,and i already look forward. The more time it takes,the better it is. I want to create something tasty that causes a taste explosion in my mouth. Haha!

And somehow it's a great feeling to know you don't really need holidays urgently,but they will come in case you feel tired. I look forward to chatting and webcamming with her a lot,and then i will go to the south for some days to celebrate the beginning of a new year there. It's good that i can get away,coz too much free time at home would make the mood swing.

I just felt like i needed to say this. So the people who read this won't think i'm always depressed. And maybe i need this for myself too,because sometimes,when it gets sad,i always feel like i get back to this point over and over again. I said: The worrying never stops. But I have the chance that I will never be alone any more. If this mercy is granted,then i will already be one step ahead...and i don't have to get back to where i were,never again.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Holidays? No,thanks.

Only 11 days of work left. 11 times I have to go to my work place,unless i get sick again.
My main problem today: Too much time to kill. If I had holidays now,i would go crazy. Two days of staying at home due to sickness already shows me how fatal it can be.

I talked to some nice people on msn. And it was good that i did that. But after a while it gets too much,and you get sleepy in an unnatural way. And playing video games has the same effect,as well as watching tv.

It doesn't help to do too much of computering and tv. It seems as if you were killing time,but the time that seemingly gets killed will want you to spend it at the end of the day- when you are supposed to fall into dreams! But you can't sleep.

I'm thinking about this whole thing i could USE my time instead of waste it. At some point i even got the crazy thought "I have to cook every day". Is this the beginning of a serious illness?

Music doesn't work any more. I can't tell myself that i'm bored enough to sit down at the keyboard. It's the least thing i would do,and so i did today. But then my cat wanted to be hugged,so it was over soon. I even feel a little bad about making music,coz i'm afraid it might depress me.

And strangely i don't get inspired either. It's strange because....I've felt very good in the last days. Okay,i had to go to the doctor coz i had a problem with the stomach,but from my feelings,I was really feeling good. And this phase of feeling good doesn't have to be over yet.

When the holidays start,I will go to my grampa's,where I will also see my dad and his wife. It's a change. And that's better,much better than staying at home. Boredom is dangerous for my mood. I need to be a lover,as a worker,as a cook (or as a musician).
Does anyone have advice for me? I need some activities. This is what it should be like:

-creative (like cooking or writing music)
-doesn't cost much effort (like sports or other annoying things)
-nothing social (no,i don't want to meet ppl)

I welcome advice. But if i don't want to do what you suggest,don't take it personal. I'm complicated. But it's nice if you want to help,so i appreciate it. Haha. Thanks.
If there weren't some certain people in my life,and work,and my cat...then it would be helpless.
And now i'm chatting again :)

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I'm okay...I'm good...I'm fine

I cook,therefore I am.

I've been cooking lately as a substitute for my fading ability to write songs. And i might get better at songwriting again in a while,I just have to be careful with how hard I try. Saturday is the day when I turn a recipe i looked for on the internet into food. It went well so far, and I cooked two meals in the last weeks. I liked them,almost loved them,and that's what counts most. Last time i got the biggest imaginable compliment from my brother. He said it was better than last time. And last time,it had already been acceptable. This is the highest praise there is,from a person like him. If you knew him you'd understand.

The soundtrack of my life consists a lot of Kate Bush at the moment. I even listen to her at work. Her lyrical way of writing songs inspires me. I wonder how she starts writing the way the lyrics are thought over,it would make me think the lyrics come first,but some of the older songs are very melodious,so who knows.

I want to name some songs that I will associate a lot with 2005:

Going Home- Sophie Zelmani (or a different version by Faye Wong)
A song that i listened to more than any other song this year. It made me use its lyrics for my blog. A sweet sadness that lies in it,not comprehendable for everyone,but some people who like this song will understand what makes it special. I bought 3 Sophie Zelmani albums this year,so it's not only this song that i like,it's the calmness of many of her songs that makes her interesting.

Wuthering Heights- Kate Bush
I could pick a lot of her songs,but i listened to this more than the others,at least this year. Before I noticed that I really liked her music,i only knew "Running up that hill". There's something about her music that sounds new,and unusual,but catchy at the same time. She was the Björk of the 80s,as I would say.

Guilt Is A Useless Emotion- New Order
I don't listen to this any more, but it was the soundtrack of my life in late spring and summer. New Order is a great band,and i've been listening to them very very much since maybe 2001. Their last album wasn't as good as older stuff (same goes for Kate and Depeche Mode) but it was still good to hear new material from them.

These are only some of the songs of this year. Some of the songs that I have written were important for me too. I only recorded a few of them this year,but still,I listen a lot to what i recorded,whenever it was. My newest song,which will be finished in january hopefully,is called "Older". And it says a lot about how life me at least.

At the moment I feel alright. Nothing bad happening. I can sometimes smile. And when i do,then it has to do with her mostly. Hehe...
I just thought I would better write when i'm not in the worst mood. So people see I can be satisfied too.
This is all for now. Have a nice pre-christmas time.