Thursday, January 26, 2006

Female psychology

I'm in a good mood today but i still feel like writing about something kinda...bad. It's something that scares guys about girls. It lies in the nature of girls to be prone to over-expectation. Here is an example taken from an imaginary diary.

Dear Diary,

I saw Brad Pitt on tv today. Oh my goooood,he's sooo cute. I just wish I will marry him. Who knows,maybe one day it will happen.
My dream guy will be like him,no matter what. I don't accept anyone who doesn't look as cute and well dressed as him. I see my dream guy in front of me already. A knight with shining armor,my hero,the one who saves me and protects me from all the trouble there is. He will look down into my eyes and tell me that everything is alright.

My first kiss will be the best thing there has ever been. It has to be perfect,if it isn't that I will drop him immediately. A kiss,especially the first kiss,HAS to be perfect. A guy knows that. And of course a guy knows how to do that,even if he hasn't done it before. He just knows what a girl wants and needs. My perfect boy knows what women want. So the first kiss will be so wonderful and unforgettable,because he knows how it works and he will do it right.

And later,when we are married,he will get up one hour early every day,to prepare breakfast for me. Then he will bring it to my bed while I still sleep. And since I still sleep,he will wait until I wake up. Then he will watch me eat everything and say "you're beautiful". Of course,as a gentleman,he will clean the dish afterwards and then go to work. Okay,he might be a little late but i'm sure he will explain to his boss what he did and his boss will be so pleased to hear how he loves me that he will offer my guy a better paid position.

Oh yes,my boyfriend! Where is he? When will he find me? All i know is, I can only wait. This is what a girl has to do. It's the boy who has to make the first move,always! And it's not like I demand so much. I want a sensitive guy who cares about feeling. But he must not be gay! Yes,a sensitive one...but at the same time a real man with muscles and someone who knows how to please a woman! But a sensitive guy...but not a lame loser like this dude who said he liked me...yeah sure,i accidentally told him i like guys who show feelings and are a little soft,but him?! God please!!!
So...where was I? Oh right,my dream guy. Sensitive,strong,a real man... He must be out there somewhere. All the other girls always end up with bastards that treat them bad. No idea why * but at least i know Mr Perfect is somewhere out there still.
*sighs* Now I should go to bed and dream of him. My hero,my knight,my warrior.

* The reason: He's that strong guy who's perfect on the outside but doesn't have what would be best for the girl. One of the fatal thinking mistakes of girls.

My comment: This is not how all girls think. It's just what might be hidden in many girls. If you are a girl and ever find yourself thinking like that,be careful. You might either be disappointed, get the wrong guy one day or break hearts.
If you don't identify with this girl and think that your way of thinking is very different,then you are very grown up and mature. Congrats.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Waiting for the turning point

I have a theory that at some point in life there's a big change. It's a point from when things get much clearer and you know where you're at. I believe it has to do with love,the job you go for, religion and the social status. Perhaps other things too,like dreams that you want to fulfill for yourself.

I'm close to this point. There's a lot of tension at the moment because nothing is clear. The job search costs me a lot of nerves,and every job has a big catch. Often there are unfair circumstances that make it hard or even impossible to go for certain jobs. But I see some options and sooner or later i will have to go for one of them.
Then there's the love aspect. Something is in reach,and it's interesting too. Nothing is for certain,all i know is that there is a chance it may work. If it does,then i expect this to be permanent and a turning point in my life. I believe in it, and she does too. Of all the aspects about life this is the one that makes me most happy.
Religion will always be some kind of struggle for me. The questions don't stop,but i also know that being happy makes me think of other things...and i might be able to accept life as it is and believe in the what is good...whatever that means.
The social part of life is okay for me. There are some ppl that mean something to me,but not many. My attention is focused on two people at the moment,one of them is myself (well,the center of everyone's life). It's probable that this is the reason why i'm not so concerned about my few friends.

It's important for me to be able to earn money. If possible in 3 years and not later. I'm not crazy about finding my dream job,it's enough if i feel good at what i do,and i hope i can manage to get something i feel comfortable with.
Love is always important and it's different for every person. When you are used to dreaming about it only,it means much more when you suddenly encounter it. I let it happen that it makes me happy.

These two things are about to come into shape in the next months. At the end of this year,i will be wiser. I'm already curious what life will look like for me. I don't want to claim that the worrying ever stops for ppl like me...but i hope that i get to this point i've been wanting to pass for some years. I used to tell my parents "you have a good life because you don't need to worry about finding the right job. You don't have to do maths,you just go to work everywhere and you can do something you like,and don't have to be prepared for bad situations like i have to".

What I mean to say is, it feels right to become independent now...slowly. I always thought i would hide from this but now the circumstances force me to,but at the same time i want to get further now because it might lead me to a good life.

And once again i feel like i talked a lot of shit. Well,no need to worry,it's a blog.

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Since january 12th I'm 23 years old. Maybe it's the right time to act a little bit more like an adult person. I may be young still,but i'm not that young either. There are people in my age that have their own family with kids. They earn their own money,live on their own,they are in charge of things that take responsibility.
One of the difficult things about being grown up or wanting to be is that you can't rely on others any more. You can't turn your head,look up into your mother's face and wait until she shows you with a gesture of moving hands and a nodding head that it's okay to take the next step. You have to look in front of yourself, clench your fists and move forward.
What's also difficult is to escape the old patterns. What used to be a protection procedure now stands in the way. For example: Doubts and worries. Isn't it a good way of handling things? You keep telling yourself "it could go wrong" or "what if..." and then,if something goes wrong,you already have the comfort of knowing you saw it coming. But it can't go on like this forever. Maybe the art of being adult is to face the future with dignity. It doesn't matter wether you stand up and fight after something went wrong or wether you commit suicide* , at least you take the first step of being an adult and don't worry as much. A grown up person has the power to decide the course of events after something has happened.

There are many things I still have to learn. I can't hide behind my thinking patterns any more. It doesn't have to go wrong. It might turn out just fine. I have to trust myself that, whatever happens, I'll make the right decision when the outcome is clear. A decision that serves as a consequence, that shows how much it means,will mean,or meant to me. I just need a little time to grow up...

*This does not mean that the author suggests suicide as a solution of problems or thinks that suicide equals the effort of fighting.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Male psychology 2

This is an imaginary conversation inspired by a conversation that really happened. I added some things to demonstrate something. Not sure what. Maybe you will understand it as you read it. Sorry for the strong language,if there is any. It's only there to emphasize things.

A is at home when the phone rings. His "friend"* is on the phone to tell him about his life.

A: Hello?
B: Hey man,old fucker! Yo what's up,long time no see!
A: Ummm...oh,hi. I'm good,you?
B: Just saying hi and happy bir- oh i wanted to tell you something
A: Thank y...
B: Oh well,just listen. You know,I met two hoooot ladies and they're really sexy. Damn they have nice asses you know. Mwah! Absolute high class man,real first class asses. Well, One of them is 27 and she obviously has a boyfriend already,but that doesn't matter at all. And the other one doesn't have a boyfriend i think and she's my age. I met her at this place you know. Real nice ass.
A: Oh
B: Well, I think something might go on,you know. We went to the cinema recently and it was really nice. And we went to the disco too. Man,crazy, these girls there were hot and moved their asses. And this girl i know,her and me,we drank some drinks and then she said bye. But i think it might be a good thing. Finally i have some girl. I got myself a chick man,it was about time.
A: did this come to happen?
B: Oh,i just met her at this job thing you know. And some ppl started saying "are you in love?" so it was clear to some ppl. I even tried to flirt with this one woman above me,but that would have meant trouble.
A: And this girl...does she like you too?
B: I think about asking her "wanna fuck with me?" but i think it would be too early. First we have to meet again and drink some drinks.
A: But she likes you?
B: I told her room mate to tell her that I like her a little bit. So yeah.
A: What? You mean that's the closest you got to her? All you did was talk to her and now you already think know?
B: Hey of course she knows that i like her. And that she goes to the cinema with me already shows that she's horny,right?
A: Well...depends on...
B: See! Just my opinion. So yeah,she's horny. A lot of my friends told me they got chicks by asking "wanna fuck" and yeah,that's crazy man. But first we have to drink more and i should visit her at home maybe.
A: I'm not sure if you should start with such a question. Girls don't like that. You know,it helps to ask a girl about personal things,like her family and such. Being a gentleman just a little.
B: Oh come on,there are too many ppl like that! That sucks.
A: Before you expect too much,you should make sure she even KNOWS about your feelings!
B: Feelings? What's that you're talking about? Please don't tell me you're one of these romantic idiots. Come on,be a man,you sucker. You're crazy or what? It's all about getting girls man. By the way,what about you?
A: What...what do you mean?
B: Did you get a nice chick or still the lonely loser?
A: Well...there is someone,but it's too private and i don't wanna go into detail.
B: Is she hot? Sexy body? Or just a boring one?
A: She's very nice,yeah...she does look good but that's just...
B: Yeah! Yeah man,i knew it! You're a real man,man. You know how to get a horny chick man. Did you already ask her to go to bed with you?
A: It's not like that.
B: Oh,you mean she's not horny enough yet? Did you meet her at work? You met her at work right? I knew it. One of these sexy ladies that work there. Yeah,they must be really cute.
A: No! I didn't say she's from my work. She isn't. But like I said,that's private and i'll let you know about it when it's time.
B: Is she from your city?
A: Well....ok,i'll answer this single question. She's not from my city.
B: So where does she live? What's her age? What's her hair and eye color? How long has it been? How sexy is she?
A: Hello? What did I just tell you?
B: Okay...good to see you caught one. Well. It was about time. Sooner or later everyone gets a chick. As long as she's sexy. That's what counts the most.
A: Well,let's rather....let's just...let's talk about what you call "your girl". I'm not sure if you got the right idea of your kind of...relationship.
B: I just have to wait until the moment is right and then...baaaaang! I'll ask her to jump into bed with me!
A: Hell no! Don't you have any manners? It doesn't work like that...and it's not right either.
B: Yeah. True. Thanks for the advice. Yes...I have to wait and make her think I really like her,and then i'll get her to undress herself quicker. Man,you're clever!
A: Hm...Not exactly what I meant. You know,I'm more worried about you. You don't seem to estimate the situation in the right way. You have to get to know her better before you...
B: Yeah! Bingo! I have to find out what she likes,then I can get her to do it with me. Same thing as before. Maybe she has some nice crazy secrets she would like to use when we' know?
A: I think I should give it up.
B: And when do you think you got your girlfriend ready?
A: What? Please? What do you mean?
B: Oh...forget it man. I think you're not ready for this. Grow up,be a man and then we'll talk about this again. Hey,gotta go now. I have to check where I wrote down her name...damn,my memory isn't at its best. Well,see ya later! Good luck with the lady. Don't dare to make it with her before I'm done with mine,okay?
A: No,don't worry. Good luck and I hope it doesn't hurt when reality hits you.
B: What do you mean with you? Her and me? No,only her when she finds out it's just for the fun of it,haha. Yeah man,we understand each other don't we? Bye!

*"friend"= Annoying person who calls you a friend but just likes to cling to you and not let go. You don't call that person a friend when you know such a person.

My comment: The last time I wrote about male psychology,I got misunderstood or might have been misunderstood by some people. What I want to express with my male psychology posts is written in the lines. You have to understand that there's sometimes irony,sarkasm or such stuff in them. It's not literally. To make it clear,I would have been person A in this conversation. I only want to explain that people like person B exist. What you think about these people is up to you. I will leave it to the minds of those who read it what they think.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

This post remains untitled

The problem isn't away yet,and it will take a while to come at peace with myself,but at least I sorted something out today.

Hm...something happened half a year ago. Tomorrow (in some minutes,so to speak) it's been 6 months since a day that really changed my life. All in a good way. I don't have what it takes to express the thankfulness that would be necessary. I only know I have to mention that I can be happy. To get used to something happens so easily. Even being afraid of losing it only makes the awareness last for a short time,until the fear is over again. Or maybe...maybe it's me. I should say something nice again. I should show that i'm glad to be in this situation. I should go back to the beginning...and let the memories come back of how it was before,how it all came into place.

Strange how mercilessly time goes on. Not good nor bad things persist when time goes by. Yesterday, or let's say 2 years ago, there was a group of people waiting for an album that would perhaps never come out. There were no promises,no guarantees. The only thing we had was all the time in the world. We got so used to it that,at least for me,things move totally fast. It's nothing compared to when I met Marit (yes,it's about her album). I'm not sure if i can catch up with all the changes that can happen at once. I didn't even grow up to feel as mature as my age demands me to be. At one point it's not worth running after everything.

I still remember myself say "it's still 1995". Wasn't that yesterday...? happy 8th of january.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

First post of 2006 : Guilt again

I'm careful with expectations for 2006. Anything could happen,for best to worst. I know very well that it depends on what I do. It's my responsibility. If I make myself guilty of a crime,then I might get a punishment that I even deserve.

This will confuse some people now. But it's something I had to learn. A lesson. There is something I did that was against my own values. I hid behind the values of others who would say that it's perfectly normal. But as soon as I act against my own morals,I already sin. Then I can't justify what I did in front of another person coz I would lie.

I'm not sure what the punishment is for my crime. The laws aren't written down for this delict. I only hope my judge will be merciful.

a perfect transition to Kafka. I read "the trial" and it was interesting. A young man gets accused of a crime that he doesn't know of,and he doesn't feel guilty. He tries to get a hang of the court, the offices that have to do with his case,the judges,lawyers and advisors,everyone who has to do with it. He tries to understand what everything is about-and before he knows what he is accused of,he gets executed. Typically bizarre,typical for Kafka.
The next story by him that I read is "in the penal colony". It's about a terrible machine that is used to execute prisoners in the most cruel way imaginable. The first pages already show the hopelessness. A traveller becomes the visitor of such an execution,and he doesn't feel good about what he sees. He feels like he should protest against the execution of a man,but at the same time he doesn't feel allowed to interfere,coz he's a stranger,comes from a different country,is totally new,has no right to critisize the conditions. Whatever he does or not does can only be wrong.

And here we are in my situation again. At least I have a way out...or not?