Saturday, March 31, 2007

Message from above or just a weird dream?

I want to write down a dream that I had last night, and discuss it here a little. There were several dreams, but the most fascinating one was saved until the morning. I woke up at 9:50am, and that was when this dream ended. Now I will tell the dream first:

You hear a choir of high voices (probably a choir of young boys). They sing a song which is unknown to me and was possibly generated by my brain. "Veo, veo, veo" (spanish for "I see"). They keep singing this all the time with orchestral accompaniment in the background. Then a voice reads the following words:

"The sheepherders slew their sheep; and even the ones who read the quran, their sheep were not safe from their staffs."

The next thing you see is a quran, then a person kneeling in front of it. You see more of them. You see several people, mostly men, performing prayers in a pampa/desert like hill area. It is very dark and it seems to be their morning prayer.

And so the dream fades, with the same theatrical, pathetic, religious, almost "holy" music playing in the background. The atmosphere has caused awe in me.

If this dream had happened to someone hundreds of years ago, the person who had the dream would have thought it must be a dream from above, a religious message. Nowadays you wonder what it is, is it that or just something coming from inside of you. No matter what it is, a dream always has a function and when it's so enigmatic, it also has a message.

Let's go to dream analysis. One thing that you should not do is to think what many books suggest: That sheep means X, snake means Y and crocodile means Z. There are only very few dream figures that have a universal meaning for everyone, but animals usually have an individual meaning for each person. In this dream though, it's pretty clear. The dream is an allegory, at least to some point. The meaning of "sheep" and "sheepherders" is the same that it has in the bible and possibly in the quran. The sheepherders must be religious leaders, the sheep are the common believers. The words that are read out in the dream suggest that it is a quote from one of the holy books. It is even possible that my subconscious mind quoted a passage that really exists, even if my conscious mind does not remember hearing it. If it's made up, it still says a lot but the message is not clear.

It says: All sheepherders beat their sheep to death. And even the muslim sheepherders beat their sheep to death. Therefore, nobody is safe.

I'm trying to understand what it means. First I thought that it must express a prejudice against islam, but I'm not so sure about that because the general message is that nobody can be saved from those religious leaders. Islam is mentioned explicitly as one of the religions whose leaders are dangerous to the followers, but it is not only "against islam". Maybe this passage is intended to suggest that there is a time when sheep should learn to think independent.

I'm not sure what to say about the rest of the dream. There is this spiritual music, I think it emphasizes the importance of the dream. The people who pray on the hills, they express an image of a time many centuries ago when the words were written down, so they stand for the past. The text itself is a link to the future, because what is says is something that I think might happen long after those guys pray there. I also remember that the voice that spoke these words even mentioned where it was written, but I don't clearly remember... but it probably originated from my mind anyway.

I will have to think about this dream.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Zeit zum Denken

Watching Dr. House for so many hours in the last days was helpful. I had some side effects like a feeling of exhaustion, but it's normal when you don't do much besides watching tv and only getting up for cooking, or getting up for going to bed again. This week I stayed home on one day and left school early another day. So it was almost half a week that I spend in school only. But one thing leads to another and perhaps it saved me some time at the end of my life when all the stress will pay off in a bad way. It was enough stress anyway and maybe that tires me the most.

Yesterday and today I sensed some feeling of sadness, and this morning when getting ready for school I felt like crying for a short time, then lost that feeling in school when everything was alright for a while. It's when the different side of me shows, the side that doesn't have to think much, the side that just enjoys simple conversations, making fun with and of people, just enjoying life. If you know me in person then you know this side.

Coming back to Dr. House, what I appreciate about this tv series is not only the stuff that everyone mentioned he/she likes about it. The show also makes people think, one of the most promising features of a good tv show. There are many controversial decisions, people deal with right and wrong, going with rules or going against them for the sake of what's called "right". They have virtues but also give up virtues if conditions change. Dr. House deals with many personal stories, of which religion touched me the most. The way the topic was picked up was not the way I get confronted with it usually... it's not in the most hurtful way, it is the way that leaves some things open to you and shows that you are not alone with your weakness, your shame and your failure. And it underlines the ridiculousness of people trying to prove that they own the truth. I guess.

It's strange that something so artificial like a tv series, produced for the masses, is a source of information and inspiration, a source that makes me think which I don't blame for anything. It's amazing that it reminds me of things I don't like to think about, but how it reminds me is in a way that I don't feel angry about it. And this is it? The only something that is able to reach me in a good way is a tv series. Not any real life thing or person could make me think in this specific kind of way that it made me think. I guess it's what many well known writers of the past said, that it's the purpose of theater, cinema and books to change people by putting a mirror in front of them.

So why was I so depressed anyway? I feel like I've been or still am pregnant with a thought. Or to be precise, an... idea... or maybe rather a fact. Not sure how to explain. I notice something that is true in some way and I've pushed it away for so long.

My thinking worries me, it even scares me. Within only a couple of days I noticed that I overlooked something important about my feelings. And again that is something I admire about House. How he doesn't save his patients from looking at the hurtful reality. He wakes people up, and that makes me think about things too.

I'm not done with thinking yet. There are some thoughts that I brought to life already, but the chain of realization isn't finished. Let me see what I can think of right now: I realized that I cannot take as much as I thought. I realized that if I overdo it, I lost more than I would lose if I just said that I can't, can't take it. I notice that it's dangerous for me if I play the strong guy who can take so much... then I suddenly don't know what's left in me. And the latest thought is what has made me feel scared... but how do I put it into words?

Perhaps I can try to wrap it in metaphors, examples, comparisons...

Imagine you want something very much, but you know that to get it, it takes things that you clearly don't want. You are not given time to think about it, you are unable to decide because you're already in it. Remember: You want it, you don't think about it.
So what happens? You have the power of a steam engine and work your way through it, you fight against the pain while you run nakedly through bushes of thorns.
This works for a while...
Hm... the problem is, if you really run through bushes of thorns all the time, just because you want something and you accept walking through all the shit, at some point it really gets too much and you break down if there's no end to it, at least not near where you are.
So... it's just that this came to my attention. I don't go through life like an angry steam engine all the time. There are times when I see other people and their lives. I don't switch off thinking about what other people do. And even if it doesn't matter to me who they are, and I don't feel like I have anything to do with them, I still notice that there's something different.
They want things in life and I want things in life. I just don't see it that they bother to go through all the stuff that I go through. And the more I think about it, the more I notice that it's likely that I will... not always be angry enough to just fight myself through it all.

There's another thing that scares me. It's the fear of saying words that I feel like saying. More strangely, I feel afraid of saying them even if they don't mean anything to me right now. I'm afraid that I already have to deal with a lot of problems if I just say it. It's weird.

Was I stupid? One question could be no, because I was never asked to decide. So I didn't make myself guilty of getting involved in something I would sooner or later not want to do.
But then again... was I stupid not to see the steam machine problem? Did I think I would not feel weak and deeply sad one day? Just feeling the worst feelings. Even worse than anger?

Sometimes what's going on with me reminds me of AIDS or cancer. I get all the psychich phases that people who know they will die face. First I deny things, then there are phases in which I ignore things, then I get angry, then sad... and I think the last step is acceptance. But I don't know what I will accept in the end, that's the problem. With all I can do, I both win and lose. Each decision makes me win and lose different things, but it's never a perfect decision. I suppose I have to stand right before God to know which decision was right. But you know... I'm not worrying so much because since my childhood I feel like I will be punished. I was always the evil brother, always the sinner in the family. Anything I say or do will be used against me.

I'm not even sure what to wish for any more. I could wish for something to happen so I can stay true to my virtues and feel good about myself for following my principles. I would have a clean record in some way. On the other hand, I don't like giving up things I started. I can be very conservative and I like to stick to important decisions. So I don't know...

Hm... I wonder who of the people who read this understood anything. Maybe I will win the "most encrypted blog" award ahead of Ira. Wow... a small part of my easygoing personality is shining through.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Not normal

I can't wait for the holidays to begin. The best thing now would be to just do whatever I like to do all around the clock. The day would pass and I wouldn't have to think. I would just forget about everything.

I have come off the track because of worrying. And I don't do the things I used to do. Music isn't the remedy any more although I've sat down a couple of times lately just to play some notes. But I'm not that musician any more, and I don't know if I should. Not sure if anyone should hear my thoughts in a song now.

I ordered the latest Sophie Zelmani album today together with the first season of the healingly cynical Dr. House. Those two will be part of my activities in the next holidays. If I lose some more weight I could already start a sports program, but not sure if it would work. The motivation isn't so high at the moment, and the mood isn't either.

I don't need to be a pessimist to know that my stressful lifestyle, my stressful attitude will cost me many years. I already have that feeling in my chest that could some day make me call the emergency when I'm older. My heart is the organ that would need replacement the most. Second would be the blood pressure, I think my blood has been pushed through the veins very violently lately. I can get so upset that my eyes even hurt from having that tense look unconsciously. I just stare somewhere with that look and imagine all the bad things that can happen, all the grudges, all the imaginations, all the conversations I need to have with people saying that I don't want to talk about "this".

My mum watched tv today while I was still eating. There was a wintersports event at the Holmenkollen, a place I've been to in Oslo. For a second she turned on the video text and the upper line said "islamists warn Germany". I was scared for a while coz I don't want to imagine what that means... but now I think "just come here and bomb the whole place. I'm ready. Express yourself. Show us who you are. You have the right to express your religion freely". I'm curious what will happen. Will they destroy the Frankfurt stock exchange? Or maybe rather some cultural sites to hurt our sense of identity. Perhaps they will also kill a lot of Jews here. And perhaps there will be so many of them that even in smaller cities people will blow themselves up for only 10 other people on a bus. Then I would be part of the target group. I'm tired of caring about those idiots. I have too many problems of my own. Anyway, isn't it strange that I see this video text for only half a second and all I see is this? Why is it so present?

One thing is clear, if I see some guy of that sort on my bus how he just opens his trench coat with all the wires and lights on his body, screaming words about how great Allah is and so on, I would really like to get up and finish this guy before he clicks the right button. That guy would be the perfect person to let my anger out. I can't deny I would like to get pissed off by someone, it can be anyone, even a simple thief would be enough. I think too much peacefulness can be unhealthy for a stressed out person. I like to be peaceful and I've not been a violent person most of my life, but there are times when I wish I could be given a chance to let it all out. At least it gives you a good impression on a bad topic... I can even see the good side about terrorists, thieves and other people that cross my way with bad intentions.

Back to reality. I hereby announce that I'm temporarily insane. Not a surprise, I guess, after reading this. I just hope it passes. I wish I could go back to normal and live a normal life again. But maybe I'm too deep in trouble now. I am unbalanced. But at least I made a post in the month of march, so that was the good side of it again.