Monday, October 23, 2006

A matter of faith

Update time again...

First let's try if this works...I mentioned a blog I would be working on, so I'll just mention the link here. Check THIS's a strange life. The things I'm running away from, they keep coming. I can't watch a comedy show on tv without being painfully reminded of religion. I can't search the internet for a song without another religious term showing up on the screen. And I can't seem to stop encountering people who insist on their own ideas and act as if everything was if it was not them who are individual, no, instead the entire rest of the world is wrong. Too many people are like that.

I don't even want to think about that any more, but as it seems, I can't cover my ears, close my eyes and sing a song to myself. The topic still comes back, no matter what I do. What sucks is that I only have one life to find my answers. If it was only my answers, that might be bearable. But things are so much more complicated and anything I do can drive me more into being lost and doomed.

Other questions come back too. What would have been if...if I had not been thrown off the horse (metaphorically) some years ago. Where would I be now. Maybe somewhere I would like to be. At the moment I would like to leave this house with its crazy inhabitants. I'm sick of my mum and my bro. This negativeness, this permanent nagging, this neverending pessimism, "terrible", "horrible", "gruesome". And the permanent feeling that I'm a loser. When I look at myself and my relationship towards family members, I feel like every person on earth could take advantage of me if they only wanted too...especially the ones who might mean something to me. Perhaps they all will. Who knows... I only know I'm not good at defending myself. I will always collapse to something, whether it's the dependence towards a person or the fact that I can sacrifice so much before it's too much for my humble demands.

There are these days when you look at life from a different angle. You ask yourself "Are these things happening because I'm a weak person? Do I not notice how far they can get only because I'm that way?". I wonder about many things. The things that I usually don't see as defeats, they suddenly do appear as defeats. As if everytime I said "yes" I didn't mean it, but someone takes advantage of me because I can't do without them.

I learned today that I'm ashamed of my roots in some way. Some things I got from my parents, grandparents, and so on. The way they raised these things into me, the way I was born with these character traits. Uncertainty, fear, dependence, idleness, control-freakiness...

I looked at some old pictures today of when I was younger. Some from when I was perhaps 10, some of when I was maybe 15. I always had a serious, stubborn, almost offended kind of expression in my face. On the one hand it gives me hope, because that how a rat looks that bites its way through all of life's problems, someone who rebels against the unfairness. On the other hand, I feel like I'm destined to be the unwanted, evil one who nobody understands and who doesn't understand anyone.

As long as I'm in doubts I still identify with myself...then I know that I'm still me. But it feels very hopeless to believe that I will be judged one day...all alone,without the help of anyone.

Sunday, October 01, 2006


Fascinating how we wonder and think about some things, and then we find out new facts about life. I just realized it's really true that hobbies and happiness are linked. It's 8pm now and some years ago I would have made some music at that time of the day, as the last action before I went to bed. At the moment I don't feel like it any more, though I sometimes make music, but it has become a more depressed kind of making music...more as in "I need to feel good about myself so, heck, get out of my mind and into the recording program, you stupid piece of music". I need to force it out of myself. But I can't think of good songs. Nowadays school is stressful and I don't find time for a hobby any more. Music is a weekend activity and it takes a lot of time, mostly to get the feeling that you -have- time, rather than having the time itself. Then there is cooking. It used to be a hobby too. But I don't feel like I have time for looking up new recipes. Cooking is only for surviving now. Sports takes time and motivation, and can hardly be called a hobby for me.

I am empty, only made for working, or so it seems. I can't even appreciate the good things any more, and that is a bad sign. It has only been two weeks of school and I already feel very much under pressure, strangely at home and not so much during school itself. And I keep telling myself to appreciate what I have. I really keep telling myself to do it. But I can't, it just fades away and I rather play more video games, fall asleep more quickly, watch tv rather. Anything. I just keep pushing the minutes and hours further and further away from me. Not standing still.

I thought about reading a book again, but I already feel confused by having bought so many books for school. It feels like I don't have the right to read a book in private,coz instead I'm suposed to learn spanish, to read business books, to learn. How can I read a book for mere pleasure? I know I could, I know I deserve it, but I don't get the feeling that I seize my time correctly.

A hobby is an essential part of feeling balanced. The keys to happiness are fulfillment in everyday life, spiritual peace, security, health...and lots of other things I can't mention. Haha. Damn...I'm too old for this philosophying shit.