Sunday, October 01, 2006

Hobby-searching

Fascinating how we wonder and think about some things, and then we find out new facts about life. I just realized it's really true that hobbies and happiness are linked. It's 8pm now and some years ago I would have made some music at that time of the day, as the last action before I went to bed. At the moment I don't feel like it any more, though I sometimes make music, but it has become a more depressed kind of making music...more as in "I need to feel good about myself so, heck, get out of my mind and into the recording program, you stupid piece of music". I need to force it out of myself. But I can't think of good songs. Nowadays school is stressful and I don't find time for a hobby any more. Music is a weekend activity and it takes a lot of time, mostly to get the feeling that you -have- time, rather than having the time itself. Then there is cooking. It used to be a hobby too. But I don't feel like I have time for looking up new recipes. Cooking is only for surviving now. Sports takes time and motivation, and can hardly be called a hobby for me.

I am empty, only made for working, or so it seems. I can't even appreciate the good things any more, and that is a bad sign. It has only been two weeks of school and I already feel very much under pressure, strangely at home and not so much during school itself. And I keep telling myself to appreciate what I have. I really keep telling myself to do it. But I can't, it just fades away and I rather play more video games, fall asleep more quickly, watch tv rather. Anything. I just keep pushing the minutes and hours further and further away from me. Not standing still.

I thought about reading a book again, but I already feel confused by having bought so many books for school. It feels like I don't have the right to read a book in private,coz instead I'm suposed to learn spanish, to read business books, to learn. How can I read a book for mere pleasure? I know I could, I know I deserve it, but I don't get the feeling that I seize my time correctly.

A hobby is an essential part of feeling balanced. The keys to happiness are fulfillment in everyday life, spiritual peace, security, health...and lots of other things I can't mention. Haha. Damn...I'm too old for this philosophying shit.

~toodles~

2 comments:

yellow said...

Or maybe it's just been too long since you've done that, haha
Kids, dont have them. they're evil

Aaron said...

Having a hobby is all about having spare time. Sounds like you don't have it. Or better explanation, someone in your life IS your hobby.