Wednesday, December 24, 2008

The year 2008

It's time for the usual end of year review. 2008 is over and it's not so easy to put into words about how I feel. Somehow it wasn't the worst that could have happened, but I still feel devastated somehow.

It was a year without any big tragedies for me. The last remaining grandparent I had died, but that was the only personal loss and not even something I really felt so sad about because it came as expected. All in all, you could say that I was not haunted by the terrible things others had to go through.

Then there is another aspect of the year that expressed itself in a way that the year went by very quickly. Not quickly as in "wow, how did this year pass so quickly again". Literally instead. There was a couple of months of unemployment here, a couple of weeks there, and once again, and in total I think I spent about 5 months at home due to this. So there was a part of the year that was kind of easy going, nothing special, just me staying at home and trying not to be too negative about not working.

I will just talk things through in order now: In January, the year started just like the year before had ended, with me pickung up the same job at the same company again. It seemed to go on like this until perhaps Easter, but instead, the job ended after, I think, not even 2 weeks. It was not my fault, just the company having financial problems. I also didn't really feel too bad about it because it was just a job and I had other things to take care of. But already at that point, I realised how the stress got to me and I was thankful for every break I could get (which would be the case several times during the year).

The first shock of the year came right then, though, and that was that a school in Singapore that offered a job training closed down the job training. It had been the one option I had decided to go for and put all my hopes into it. It was the first big disappointment that year, and one thing that still makes me angry.... Anger, by the way, could be called the third aspect of this year.

I was stressed, a nervous wreck, and had no idea what to do at that point. It seemed like all my plans just disappeared. So I had to start all over and I felt depressed because I thought it was already too late to apply for ANY job training.

Then came a phase of applications for various job trainings. It was the longest time of unemployment this year, but also a time I enjoyed staying at home because I didn't need any more stress. I was lucky enough to be invited to two interviews, and did an internship in one of them. It went well, but I don't like to look back to this company any more because I kind of lost my face. I made an insecure impression from the beginning and never really got a better reputation than that. But at least they had some sort of family atmosphere.

I could have joined this company though, and I was offered to join, but I made the biggest mistake that year, and one of the biggest in my whole life. Instead of listening to myself (going for the safest option: a company I already had an internship for) I chose to work for the other company I had only visited once. The reason was that many people said it was the better kind of job training: More money, more ambitions, more chances, everything is better. It was not like I did not make a decision myself, but how I made the decision was wrong. I told myself to go against my own principles: "Don't always make safe decisions only. Dare to be brave. Risk something once. Do it for your career. Don't make decisons based on convenience only". But the hesitation within me was not out of laziness or cowardness, it was the lifelong experience I should have listened to.

When I joined the company, I already noticed in the first week that I got myself into something bad. When I worked there, I felt so out of place and clumsy and felt like I was not fitting in there. There was no way for me not to feel embarrassed and insecure once more. I tried to shake of this habit of making an insecure impression, but it was impossible because I had no idea about what I was doing. Then I also got into trouble with one colleague, and in the end I "was left" out of the company because I was never accepted. The situation was really, really bad.

After that came another short period of unemployment, then a job at an agency I am currently still working for, and it's a job I like so far, but I also know I can't stay there because it's not always going to be as easy as it's now. And they also don't have any job trainings to offer to me. It's just not the right thing. But the main problem for me at the moment is that I don't know how to get rid of the things that 2008 brought to me.

When I think about the future, I get this feeling that I will forget 2008 because, though it was full of disappointment and also lots of free time I could enjoy, it was not really significant. I am afraid of 2009. I have always been afraid of it, and maybe it's superstition because 1999 was already bad. I always thought it would either be another best or worst year of my life.

At the moment I face an unclear future, and the worst thing are the bad feelings. On the one hand anger, regret , hate and unforgiveness towards myself and others, on the other hand hopelessness, a lack of ideas and the feeling that my story is written already... a story of someone who isn't able to get anywhere. I can't listen to people saying that nothing is decided. Because a lot of it is decided already. My CV is written to the point where I am now. I am that old, and I've lost that much time. I still have a chance, right. But I don't know as what. And once I lose another year, I lose even more chances. At the moment I am running out of things to do. I don't even know what's right for me.

2008 seems to only be the beginning of something. I must say that it was the first time in several, if not many years that I can not really call it a good year. I think between 2002 and 2007, all the years were at least mixed with lots of good things to look back to. I either completed a school year successfully or had a special time somewhere. But this year I can not really say that it felt that way. I don't even care about the stuff like "I'm wiser now" etc. It doesn't satisfy me. 2008 was not totally bad, the worst is yet to come (I feel/fear), but it made me feel bad towards the end of it.

I feel unbalanced lately, with a tendency of feel furious and sometimes deeply depressed. I feel depressed during Christmas for reasons unrelated to Christmas. I don't feel unhappy because everyone else is happy, I feel unhappy because I am not over 2008... and won't be for a long time.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

A quantum of Bond

Today I found a short article that went like "ex Bond girl murdered". In the end it turned out that it was a woman that played in a Bond movie, yes. But to say that she acted "alongside Roger Moore" is an exaggeration. She is credited as "girls" together with about 20 other actresses who were only "girls" and not even really got any character names in the movie. It's not even so likely that the Bond character had eye contact with her in the movie.

So that's what you call a Bond girl. And it's the same thing as something else I read years ago. It was something about a Bond girl having been a man once in her life. A myth that turned out to be true, but it's not like anyone would think, a Bond girl having been a man having had sex with Bond. No, it's just one of the many girls that pose with Bond, are seen briefly, and that's it. No big deal about it.

The only strange thing is that these stories only happen to Bond movies that Roger Moore played in. What a poor guy.

There's also something about youtube I want to mention... it got worse again. Now they did what I had hoped they would never do. They fucked up their search function. It used to be good the way it was: You enter key words, you get precise results. If you entered very specific key words, you only got results with the key words you used. If you wanted a rather open search, you could still enter less key words, and even flip names around (Bond James for example) and still get satisfying results. There was nothing wrong with it. But now the search function has the same problem that search engines have. They search for everything now. When searching for James Bond (JUST an example) you also get all the James Smiths, James Lasts, John Bond etc. Why? Why can't they leave it the way it was.
Now in order to do search the old way, I first have to select an option. But why do I need to do that? I think that people nowadays are skilled enough with computers, they can do intuitive searching and find what they are looking for. Just give them the right options.

So sad....

PS: There was once a scene in a Bond movie where a mourning widow attacked Bond, and the widow turned out to be a guy in the end. Does that count as a Bond girl too?

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Surgeons transplant a piece of dog shit into a journalist's head and throw the brain away

The following article is from

Surgeons engraft an entire face

Micro surgeons in the USA have, for the first time in the world's history, transplanted an almost entire face [...] 80 per cent of the face was replaced [...]not included were only the forehead, the eyelids, the lower lip and the chin.

You are now wondering what's so wrong. I know what you are thinking, and you are right: I am complaining about the fact that the headline says "entire face" and in the end it's only one of the stupid ways to seduce a reader into reading more. In the end, it's only "almost" an entire face. When you think of a face and substract all the things mentioned above, what you have is by far not a real face, it's more like a ghost/alien face.

But it's more than that.... and you want to know why? Well, I will try to explain what I hate about this sort of thing... and it not only goes for surgery, it goes for global warming and lots of other things. Maybe you will understand when I use this example (fictional):

January 5 2010: Surgeons transplant a whole face! [...] the only facial features not transplanted were forehead, eyelids and chin.

May 22 2012: Surgeons transplant an entire face! [...] the only parts that were not transplanted were: forehead and chin. It was the first time that a face was transplanted like this!

December 5 2015: Almost dead person receives a brand new face! [...] The face was complete. Only the chin was not included in the package.

June 30 2020: Big sensation: Patient receives an entire face from a dead person! It was the first time that a complete face with all facial features was moved from one body to another. It has never happened before in the history of the world!

This is how it goes... and when I mentioned global warming, it's the same thing: Scientists have found out that global warming is caused by humans... they are 60 per cent sure. Now they are 64 per cent sure. Now they are 68 per cent sure. Now they have new evidence, and now more, and more again, and yet again, and now they are totally sure, and now suddenly it's not the humans' fault, and now it is again, and of course it's the first time in history! Wow!

I'm going to write another entry soon, this time about science myths. I'm fed up with these things so I have to let them out.