Thursday, February 14, 2008

You won't understand this entry if you don't know my life (just like every other entry)

Maybe the worst thing about not succeeding is when you've been ambitious about it before. When you feel that you are willing to do something, to take a risk you would not have taken before, and you already imagine the new situation and accept what it may bring. This month is half way over and I already had to deal with disappointment.

I also feel burnt out. Not only in a simple way, I feel sick, mentally exhausted. Stress is going to cost me a lot of life, and it's like I'm going to lose all energy sooner or later in life, unless I feel good about work then.

There is not much to say. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts, but the only ones I can come up with get destroyed or seriously damaged by people around me who either assume bad things from the start, suspect me of bad things, make the world look very dark or who are just too careful to dare having (small) dreams. I'm not talking about miracles, just plans, and I'm aware that some things cost money and that I can't go on other people's nerves to make them come true.

I also feel deceived by that school.... but it's too late to say anything. The problem is that there is fault on my side for not being prepared. I'd not say that the blame is huge, but there is an amount of fault for wanting one thing so much that I neglected the necessarity of "Plan B". I'm also too slow most of the time and always do things later than other people. It takes me too long to recognize options or things that need to be done. I'm always older when I first do something than other people when they do.

If I had a self confidence scale to use for the whole year, then now the self confidence level would be very low. But right now I know the despair can get worse if I'm unemployed in August/September.

One thing that shocks me even more is how people scare me now about my life at the age of 67 (pension). They are already giving me the impression that I will die as a poor, old man. I'm not saying that I will ever reach the age when I can go to pension, because I pay tribute to my stress every day, but it's still crazy. I'm 25 years old, The first third of my life is over, and I'm already forced to think of the last third.

Lucky are the people who have a very solid life where school, work and pension go smoothly. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: It's so rare nowadays. But for me it really went a little too badly compared to others. But before I get into discussions with people saying that there are so many unlucky people on this planet, which I agree with, I stop here. This entry is too long already.