Tuesday, February 28, 2006

'Rivalry' or 'Being a #2'

I'm fed up with work at the moment. My job sucks. It used to be okay or even good for several months,and I've been there for 6 months,but now it starts to get unpleasent. I'm annoyed by it, and some things in the past weeks have made it more and more difficult so one thing led to another. It has to do with some people at work. As you might know I work at a school for disabled people. The one who I "hate" the most is the mother of the most severly disabled kid in class, who suffers from trisomy 13. She always needs to have everything done correctly, and the slightest mistakes will come back to the person who did it. But it's not possible to make everything right,especially when she asks for so many little things. And on some days,it does not only have to be done right,but quickly too. The next time she will make me angry I will scream.

Then there are the students themselves. When I started to work with them, I was motivated and had my own visions of working with them. Improving them, encouraging them, making them better. But this idea crumbled and now i've become someone who doesn't see much more in them than hopeless cases,and that's also because of the way they treat me. It's sad that they are only trying to cause trouble and make stupid jokes.

There is also my colleague. He started to work in my class some months later than me. It's strange how our working relationship developed. On the day he started, I was away in another class as a substitute. When I was back on the next day,he knew everyone's name and had an easy and undifficult relationship with every student,getting along well with them. He turned out to be the socially skilled one. He always found the right words,knew how to motivate the students and to treat them as if he was one of them,also fooling around. Only a few weeks later I had to realize that he had overtaken me completely. He was the better one. From then on I was the number 2, and somehow I had nothing to say,and not so much respect from the students. What I hate the most is that they call me by his name, me,the one who was there like 2 months before him. I have to tell them I'm not him,and then they remember to call me by my own name. Not very motivating.

This colleague has a behaviour that is very different from mine. He is very relaxed,doesn't take anything seriously,likes to fool around with others until it gets too much and still doesn't stop,he always complains when he's bored. I often have to remind him to do things or he will forget them,or just do them too slowly or take too much time. "Did you measure the blood sugar? Did you give him water? Did you write that down? When will you do this? Can you help me? Hello, now! Could you please stop fooling around and help me here?". This severely disabled person is the one we have to take care of the most. I'm always after it and trying to do things as soon as possible,according to the time schedule. But my colleague doesn't care so much,and he only does what's necessary. It stresses me coz I don't like it when someone doesn't seem to work sincerely.

Then there are moments when this guy acts like he knew the whole truth. He blames me for things that he does all the time. And makes me look like I'm careless. I'm so angry because of how he turns around everything. And you know what? He even earns more money than me,just because of bureaucracy reasons. I'm the one who puts in the most effort,who's most routined,who works professionally. But it's like he gets rewarded for being so "chilled" and "relaxed". So this is how it feels to be the number two,to be the older one who's outrun by a younger,better team mate. To be the one who was there first,who puts in most of the professionality but who has to share it with the one who makes the best impression on everyone,who gets along with everyone better. You can call me envious..tell me how i'm supposed to feel. Maybe someone who has younger siblings can understand how I feel, but only to some extend. I'm glad he's not my brother...haha. Man,I just want to get the next 6 months behind me so i can go somewhere else.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

New born song

No one should say only women know what it's like to create life. It's the same with songwriting and recording. Tonight I finished recording a song. The first one with the new program and the first one at home in more than half a year. Another baby is born,haha.
I realize how much it was missing, the chance to write and record songs like this. It doesn't heal everything, and when I feel worst, it doesn't save me or hug me and tell me it's alright. No... but at least it helps to make a day better that was bad at some point and good at some other point. It was already turned into an enjoyable day when I talked to someone special for the second time today.
I guess what's really important in life is not to give up at what's really important...even if that is only one big and wonderful thing. It doesn't have to be a philosophy for all things in like, as for stupid jobs,annoying people or useless "this is the world we live in" things. But if there is one thing that would be worth all the trouble,then maybe one should concentrate on it,and make everything that is needed to make it happen. And not give a damn about what the others say. And maybe...it takes two.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Marit Larsen Syndrome and the 6 months phenomenon

Exactly 6 months ago I met Marit Larsen, the famous norwegian singer, songwriter and guitar player. We met in a cafe in Oslo,and until today it has been the best day of my life. Whenever I think about what happened that day,i have to shake my head and grin like an idiot. It feels unreal. As if it was just a dream. But then i know it happened,and i say things like "shit...damn...it DID happen!".
When something gets so overwhelming that we are unable to accept it in our minds, then this is the Marit Larsen Syndrome. I think i'll call it like that from now on. In this case it's even a good thing,a good trauma. Not sure if any of you readers can understand it. It's like one thing you always considered as "a dream" or "totally unreal and impossible" has become true. Maybe people who suddenly become famous and never believed in it,or people who find true love and never thought that would happen, can understand this.

Then there's the 6 months phenomenon. It could be the same with 1 year or 10 years. At the moment some things are 6 months back in the past,or in the future,and i keep wondering why it can pass by so quickly. Not long ago my relationship with my sweetheart was 6 months old. Today the Marit meeting is 6 months back. Soon I will have spent 6 months at my current job,which makes it half way finished. Then there's things that I look forward to. A journey,a meeting, something that will hopefully take place in 6 months too. And after that I will start with a new job,training or go to some school. And the worldcup here in germany isn't even 6 months ahead in the future i think...strange coz that was also one of the things that are so far away in the future. 2006 sounds more like a science fiction novel title to me than our current year.

Apart from this I try to keep the balance between hopes and realism. I guess it's very risky and dangerous to focus all my heart and soul on one thing that gives me pleasure,but on the other hand it's my way of showing that I want to make it work.