Monday, August 27, 2007

Return to the online world

Even though my frequency of blogging is not so overwhelming, the period between my last post and this one feels longer. I've had exams, holidays, a visit from my special someone, a broken computer and now school starts again. It is a permanent circle, it seems. Like the four seasons, there is also a repetition of once-in-a-year events. The waiting period has again started, and now the pressure will come back again. I need to start doing one thing and then the next, and hope it works.

I had many worries and a couple of hopes. The worries now seem out of place and outdated, but it's something not to forget because they were real feelings. If we ignore them, we ignore solving problems and working on improvements, too. But it's not a time to think only of bad things, either. For now I just want to finish school, and honestly I'm not into putting any more effort into it. Despite my earlier perception that I might be fully loaded with motivation, I'm once again in the end of term atmosphere. I want this to be done and then comes the next thing.

There's one thing about school worth mentioning, and that is that they prepare you for job applications and job interviews. We had two units today, one about the formal aspects of the written application, and one unit about interviews. The teacher mentioned what can be done wrong, what to do when a dove shits on your clothes just before the interview, how to present yourself to get a job, and also that the job interview starts when you enter the building and ends when you leave it, not when you enter the interviewer's room. Other things at school are worth forgetting, but I'll just leave it like that because soon I can concentrate on the future again.

The holidays were good. As expected it was not totally the same thing as last year, but in my opinion it was very close to what I hoped for. There were elements of all things that were necessary: Times for enjoying, times for serious thinking, times to leave old things behind by settling them. My family was a big distraction at times but they are not who I will spend the rest of my life with. I consider their critisism but I also know that what they sometimes perceive is only half the story and also totally exaggerated. They see what they want to see.

In the end I can say: It was good because it worked, in the first place. All I asked for was that. What happened in the end was then also very good because there was so much to remember. I keep finding myself thinking about how I should have stopped time from moving. Why does it feel this way? No... it's useless to stop time from passing. Doesn't work. Soon I will turn the page of my calendar, then there won't be any more reminders of the things we had on our schedule for doing. Crazy... two weeks ago was Ira's birthday. Five days ago we were still on that island. How can it be five days? Five days is one week of school. It may sometimes pass annoyingly slow, but a week of school still passes quickly enough... but being on the island feels like... at least two weeks ago.

If I find a job then there is a chance that I will enjoy life. All I'm asking for is something where I can earn money without having to deal with other people. That would be the best thing. Just doing my own thing and getting paid for it. No contact, no hanging out with other people, no homework at home. Just that satisfying feeling at the end of the month when the bank account has more numbers on it.

Alright... I'll write again. Soon it's thinker's month again. September, month of remembering and finding orientation, month of changes. When the first leaves fall and the sun turns to golden red, it's when I find time to let the past and future melt together.