Sunday, December 31, 2006

2006: Life at the crossroads

Another year has come to an end.

To sum up what happened to me in 2006 is a little difficult and it's not easy to say if it was good, bad, or so-so.
There were some months that were some of the worst, maybe not the very worst like the ones in 1999, but they were close to it. Interestingly, those were mainly february and december for me, two months that are very far away from each other on the calendar (if you look at 2006 only). In both of them the reason why life was so hard were relationship problems. But they were everything but ordinary, which makes it problematic to analyze. What I just learned, I guess, is that there are not only religious problems, they can also be connected with cultural differences and lots of misunderstandings when it comes to the mentality of people. It's never the fault of one person, it is just a fact that we need to consider carefully and try to find our way around it if we can.

Even though there were very bad things in 2006 that were worse than bad events in other, more average years, there were still experiences that made 2006 a special year, and even though I'm a little hesitant saying that 2006 was the best year ever, I can at least say that it had the best summer I ever had. The climax of this were the months july and august. They will go into my personal history book as the most amazing event ever. I must thank the person who is responsible for this (and God) that it happened. In a world of uncertainties, the only thing I can really do is be thankful for that. At least that I can say, that it was the best thing that happened to me and that I'm glad I had the chance to feel this. I've been wanting to have this all my life, and every time, on the last day of a year, I said to myself: "Not this year but maybe next year". That chain is stopped, and even though I'm not sure when or if it will ever be so good again, I appreciate that I was given this chance and I hope it showed that it made me happy. And hope that it made someone else happy too.

Now I am at the crossroads. There are different ways to go, there are new learning experiences to apply for next year, there are new plans to make while some plans might or might not be fulfilled. What I need to do is to act wisely and see what I've learned. My lesson this year was that life takes you to the limits when it really starts. And I must acknowledge that some things would not have happened if I had given up at the beginning of the year. I could have said that it's impossible... I didn't and I suppose it was right. This world changes so much and I think it would be wrong to hurry and look for safe solutions just because something looks risky for a moment. And 2006 was full of misunderstandings based on that specific kind of fear or panic.

I am a stubborn little kid. My age hides my weaknesses, but it can't stop them from making life hard. I will need to sacrifice those luxorious character traits because you only get something good when you do your best and throw everything over board that makes you think "It would be easier if... it would be safer if...". I will have to grow up too. I will even have to give up things that I liked about me so far, for example my sense of justice. This world is unfair and if I demand the whole world to change just because I don't want it to be so unfair, I won't get the things I want in life. I cannot change everything, all I need to ask for is that the people I care for understand that it's not fair, that they don't let themselves be terrorized by this, that they at least show me that they are angry too... and then we can see if we can escape from this. Do you know what I mean?

I have this superstition that the odd-numbered years are the ones that are most memorable for either the pain or the pleasure they bring. 2006 was not odd-numbered but it was one of those years. Now I wonder what 2007 will be like. When I look at what's just been happening, I feel a little scared. Perhaps it will be a year of hard work, without success being visible so soon. All I can do is fight now. Maybe it will be a year that's less dramatic, or even not special at all. We will see. I just need to calm down from 2006 because it changed life in a way that it will never be the same for me.

So what's my final judgement? It's hard to say really. To make the best of it I shall always the cherish the good times I had and learn from the bad times, and not make myself believe that I won't be angry again or anything stupid like that. Of course I will be angry too and it will be difficult, but at least I have the advantage that I can take my time for many things. I want to let the year end peacefully here. Goodbye 2006, you will not be forgotten.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Heart or mind decisions

I watched Casino Royale today and it's strange that the love-related scenes are the ones that stick to my memory the most. It feels different from before when I watch movies now. It's been like this for a while but it's also been long since my last visit to a cinema.
What a strange feeling how it touched me, and how I could identify with James. Ha-ha. On the other hand, there was a scene where a woman betrayed her husband with him, and scenes like that make me angry nowadays. Also a very weird change to my life, the way I judge all kinds of love scenes. And it also makes me realize how I feel, coz I tend to use my head a lot and not listen to my feelings very much. I can't allow myself to feel and be vulnerable because there are so many threats and dangers and I already know how it feels to be deeply hurt.

My inner decisions seem to go back and forth most of the time. At one moment, I can be very determined and get the impression that I know how I want things to be, and know how to react to each possible twist that my life can take. As if I can control it and always take logical consequences, in a cold but unhurting way (for me). It's how I know I can keep most of the pain away from myself. And then, there are times when I realize how lost I am in the way my heart feels. Then it tells me to stop worrying and go with everything that happens, and if it ever goes terribly wrong then I could at least say that I stayed strong and didn't end it on my own. The question is just how I want my life to be. I've always been trying to avoid it that I look back and say: "I was too naive". Or that I must admit that I did not think enough about the future, or that I did not realize enough, or that I did not tell others what the consequences will be. Sometimes I think if I don't shut up I make it worse, but then I also notice that, if I don't help to lead people on the right course, they will not notice what's going to happen or might happen. My intentions can still be as good as they want to be, but it doesn't help coz the only control I can have is over my own life.

I don't know how I will react to what is to come, I'm too confused right now. I don't know what will happen, neither do I know how I will act and react. It's also bad that I get this feeling (I've had it for a long time) that I won't get justice and fairness if I'm not strict in some way. People easily take advantage of me and they don't even need to know how, or maybe they think they don't but still do. It's not easy to explain, but maybe you can take the example of electric current. It always goes the way of the least resistance. So if you are in a network of humans, and I'm the one who is nicest to you, treats you the best way and offers you most of the freedom, maybe you will let me suffer from compromises you make with other people or even give in to other people to my disadvantage, just because i'm nice and not so strict and it's the easiest way for you (the least resistance). Difficult to explain. I think I also had this problem at work last school year. I tried to make things so damn right and that's how other people who are careless could make me suffer, coz I played the fool.

I'm done with thinking too much. It's just bad that there's always a next best thing to worry about. I hope things will be clear soon enough. By the way, thanks Aaron for the nice card.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Heaven and Hell (not about religion this time)

The cold that I had seems to have purged and purified me from the madness that had been in me. Suddenly everything is looking better than before. I wrote this damn spanish test and it was not so bad (and not so good either), I got that damn exam behind me, and I had two days off due to the cold.

And then came the change. I felt some good vibrations coming to me, and I could relax while I stayed at home. Then, when I came back to school today, I got a very good grade back for a group presentation. The presentations had been made in four groups consisting of four or five people each. Each of the groups had to appoint a leader, and back then, last friday, they had chosen me because I had just held another presentation right before that. And now, a week later, my group got the best grade out of the four groups, and the teacher, who hardly remembers a name at all, mentioned me and praised me. So you could say I was mentioned as the king of the best group. The king of the class. Haha. The best student of that particular lesson. What a feeling... I took it with humble pride of course...if that kind of state exists anyway.

Really strange for me because it's unexpected. I'm aware of the fact that I'm sometimes to harsh and strict with myself and that I take critisism personally and too seriously. But to go from one extreme to another like this is really unusual. Not that I would complain, but I wonder what this is all about, to feel like the worst at times and then become the best another day. On the way home I already thought "Okay, I'm allowed to feel good now, but what if I fail dramatically the next time?". Coz you see, now I have a reputation as a good presenter, though I hate presenting and I don't call it my strength. And I know I'm not spontaneous enough to always pull off a good presentation... I was lucky too. So I don't know...on the one hand I want to allow myself the feeling of pride, on the other hand I'm a little worried of being stigmatized as a "good presenter" or something like that. Perhaps heavenly success and a hell of a disappointment will come and go.

For now I feel good and I'm writing this to let you know there are good days too. Maybe the next post will be about terrible news again, it wouldn't surprise me... or well, maybe it will just be about the commercialisation of christmas.