Older

Since january 12th I'm 23 years old. Maybe it's the right time to act a little bit more like an adult person. I may be young still,but i'm not that young either. There are people in my age that have their own family with kids. They earn their own money,live on their own,they are in charge of things that take responsibility.
One of the difficult things about being grown up or wanting to be is that you can't rely on others any more. You can't turn your head,look up into your mother's face and wait until she shows you with a gesture of moving hands and a nodding head that it's okay to take the next step. You have to look in front of yourself, clench your fists and move forward.
What's also difficult is to escape the old patterns. What used to be a protection procedure now stands in the way. For example: Doubts and worries. Isn't it a good way of handling things? You keep telling yourself "it could go wrong" or "what if..." and then,if something goes wrong,you already have the comfort of knowing you saw it coming. But it can't go on like this forever. Maybe the art of being adult is to face the future with dignity. It doesn't matter wether you stand up and fight after something went wrong or wether you commit suicide* , at least you take the first step of being an adult and don't worry as much. A grown up person has the power to decide the course of events after something has happened.

There are many things I still have to learn. I can't hide behind my thinking patterns any more. It doesn't have to go wrong. It might turn out just fine. I have to trust myself that, whatever happens, I'll make the right decision when the outcome is clear. A decision that serves as a consequence, that shows how much it means,will mean,or meant to me. I just need a little time to grow up...

*This does not mean that the author suggests suicide as a solution of problems or thinks that suicide equals the effort of fighting.