Thursday, July 20, 2006

More than just a feeling

It's 4:30 in the morning. One hour ago I went outside because I couldn't sleep any more. I needed it,going out to my special place. A place I have been going to since years ago. It has always been the place where I thought about my life. Lots of thoughts came to life there, and when I was there I always felt that this is where I reflect over everything,and it's like a kind of diary because I let all the thoughts out there and they can come back when I'm there again.

I felt a big burden on my shoulders. And I'm not exactly sure why I had to cry two times when I was there. To some extent it has to do with the stress and anger of my everyday life. And to some point it also has to do with the worry i had since last night. But it's always about a little more than just that too. If it was only about current problems,then there would always be something to fall back on. To me, it's always about life itself...and what to believe in. I also prayed two times.

I don't know why He chose to let things go this way. Is everything going to be alright in the end anyway? Perhaps He just wants to show me that my faith and love for this relationship is strong and more than just what has to do with feelings. But then I also wonder,why does this take me somewhere new while my family and everything that has to do with my old life drags me back to where i came from? Why does this all happen? And how do I know I will be on the right track?

Many questions came up. But it wasn't about that because I knew right then and right there that I won't be given the answers. Some people say "give me a sign". Well, you can imagine that He won't make it that easy for us. Life is more complicated than that and perhaps this is one of the things we will never understand. Why we worry,suffer and fight,and suddenly,after a long journey,we notice why it was so mysterious. Then we get the answers.

It was not necessary to have any questions answered. And just because I asked questions doesn't mean that I have come back from my place in the woods to be desperate. I'm not. All I needed was to talk to Him in the most honest way there is. I mentioned my feelings and how I can't let go,but that I need certain things at the same time. And it was necessary to cry it all out like that. It may be pathetic when you imagine other people in my age who don't run around at night to cry their heart out. But it was the best thing i could do.

What is left...I've gotten rid of pressure. What felt in the way before doesn't seem to be in the way that much any more. Some things about life you can control,some you can't and some you have to leave to others you can control them for you. As long as someone who is in favor of you is in control,just stand behind this person and everything should be okay. I don't want to doubt any more. I'm ready to face whatever will come,and just because i can't predict the future doesn't mean that i can't say "I'm with you" now. Decisions are never made for good. A decision is something you make all the time. It doesn't mean that you take it back from one second to the next,that's not what it's all about. Right now I make the decision to follow this and to trust it to become good...I'll see where it takes me.

Thanks to everyone and everything that helps me carry this weight.

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