Saturday, September 16, 2006

Not angry...

On monday a new chapter in my life starts. I can't decide whether to feel scared,hopeful or just normal. So much depends on it and I don't know if i have what it takes.

Life went up and down lately. There are moments when many things are good,and other moments when all it takes is the change of perspective and suddenly it's not so good any more. And all because of the fact that I can't protect myself with a thing called faith.

If I knew that something was clearly wrong, I could see what consequences I draw from it. If i knew it was okay completely, I could restrict all worries from me. But I don't know if it's right. I only know it means a lot to me. But can I bring that up as an argument one day? That it felt good?

Today I somehow took another step of giving up to worry because I worried all my life. I will not stop worrying completely. But I want to stop thinking about things that don't even deal with this life. The only other worry that comes up is that i could hurt other people. Special people. I want to be honest and say how I feel,just for their information. And then again, i might go too far. I don't deny it: It's sad to notice how my mind thinks...always so negative...i know.

It's not as if I didn't notice good things. I love to live life the least complicated way. I love to love and be loved. I love to not think too much. I love all these things but I'm not sure if I'm made for this...just because I can't stop asking what it's all about. I'm afraid to screw it up.

I'm okay...yes I am. It's just such a load to carry around these thoughts,enormous thoughts and feelings. I try to change the way of thinking and take everything as it comes,but i have to let the load of thoughts go somewhere...and I need them to be heard. That's the reason why they sometimes explode out of me. But that's not me being angry. Not this time...

2 comments:

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yelly said...

please tell me how to stop worryin abou life, cause it's gonna kill me too