One worry comes, one worry goes (or at least there is hope). I prayed for some meaningful dreams, and without knowing I had one and later realized it. There is no reason to be overoptimistic, it's just that one door opened up today, and it is more the fact that some people were proven wrong (teachers, employment office) than the chance of making something possible. It only matters that there are options that make it possible for me to combine different things in the future. Right now it's enough to know about them, no need to decide yet.
That was the good thing. What gives hope is that the two things that came up today came in a way that's acceptable. The worry was an old worry, and when you think about it, you realize there is nothing new about it. It was there from the start and all that's different is that is has been discussed more. It is clearer now, or maybe it isn't? At least it is there now, where it belongs, so there is no way of saying it wasn't visible. The other thing is new, and it is a good thing. So what else can we ask for? Does it make it a good or a bad day?
I try to be careful. But what is that anyway... I don't feel so much wiser, somehow I feel broken and easily depressed, and most of all confused and sensitive. I'm not the kind of person who wants to rip someone's head off, I'm too sensitive for that. Not the kind of person who judges over people that way, though I judge in a different way, not with anger, more with feelings of stepping away carefully and with fears. It's never turning away, never. It's only a small child's response. I can respond with anger, but it takes different things for that. When I make an angry impression on the outside, it's only impatience or frustration. Inside what goes on is uncertainty and feelings of resignation, maybe that describes it.
We live in the present, and indeed it's May now. Not July. One day we will look back and see what actually happened. If the worries turned out to be useless like last time, I will take it easy, knowing I can't rely on luck all my life and that it's never bad to only rely on things and people you can rely on. I hope I will not find out my worries are justified. The option between those two is that it doesn't even happen that certain people show what they are capable of in a bad way. We will see. Still so much time to become so much wiser.
Right now the feeling is restlessness. I will also feel different tomorrow, but I don't know if I will feel much better, because I'm the kind of person who can't stop a question from being asked once it comes up. There's either an answer to it immediately or I comfort myself with something like "soon...soon". My comfort is that we can find out more before the drama starts.
Nevertheless, I'm sensitive because I can't stop feeling accused when situations like the one now take place. On the one hand I said what I thought should have been said, on the other hand I feel guilty because I seem to be totally incapable of understanding other people. Do I act like it's not clear though it is clear what I try to say? Did it help that I said something? Am I supposed to shut up next time? And apart from that: What do I say when someone feels bad, but all I can say is that it doesn't change the sad facts? Does it make me a typical guy if I don't know what to do with someone's feelings? How to react? I wish I could show the compassion I feel, but at the same time I feel the urge to convey that it's not a good time to be sentimental.
It's a curse when you feel like you know something, yet at the same time whenever you open your mouth it causes frustration. Maybe I should just shut up for good because I will see what I got. I will either see a good surprise or I will see that things go wrong if I don't assist. I seriously have to stop trying to manipulate the course of events. Whatever happens, it will lead to something good, I guess. We will be wiser. We will learn something.