There are some things I need to let out, and I don't know how I can express it all. But I will demonstrate how I feel with this conversation I had with myself:
-"Guess what I dreamed!"
-"What?"
-"I had a nightmare that my presentation was so bad that I was told to make another presentation in two weeks exactly".
-"Wow, that's really a weird nightmare".
-"You know what's the worst part of it?"
-"What is it?"
-"It's not a dream".
The strange thing is how things went wrong. It was not that my presentation was too short, or that it didn't answer the topic. It did well and my teacher said I had lots of information in it, explained things well, kept the audience alive. But still, no matter how you turn it around, I was critizised too (my teacher: "take it in a postive way"). My presentation took almost 30 minutes, compared to the 10 minutes that it was supposed to take. I wrote things on the board (as I was supposed to, something the teacher had said before would be going to be important), but I turned my back on the audience for too long and didn't talk to them directly enough. The comments I made were liked by some people and disliked by others. I notice that I didn't convince anyone of my skills.
So much for the facts. Now comes the emotional level. How can I not feel deeply depressed now? The presentation had already caused a crisis in me before I held it. I was busy with work, I was nervous, I was frustrated about not being able to do other pieces of homework, I got the feeling that everything was going to be too much for me. I lost much of my self confidence. And now the only thing I get from presenting today is another terrible disappointment for me. Indeed, I don't have to make the same presentation again, no. And the presentation I have to make won't be as deep as the one before. But the fact that I have to present another presentation makes me feel rejected. As if I failed. Failed, failed, failed.
I did not expect this presentation to be the best thing in the world. But I was aiming high. The person who had presented before me (one week ago) had not been that good either, and I was sure that I could do better. Instead I got the ultimate punishment. I'm not mad at the teacher, I'm only disappointed at myself for losing another fight for my self confidence. My fear was that I would not have enough to mention during the presentation, instead the minutes passed and passed and before I noticed it, it was already past 25 minutes of presenting.
How do I go on from here? I feel humiliated. It's not only my personal disappointment, also that this is what I've been told to do. Another presentation. I need to stand in front of them again in two weeks, while still having homework to do in other subjects. I will -again- become nervous and feel threatened when the day of presenting comes closer. To be honest, I wish I could run away...not take part...or just die. Die because there's no other way virtually. This is not a job that I can quit and go somewhere else. No...this is a job training. If I don't succeed, I can look for another job trainig. That would take years again. And I don't want that. No!
I thought to myself "The worst thing that can happen is that I get slightly critizised". I thought, maybe it will not be the perfect presentation but at least I have it behind me then. And what happens? Something totally unexpected. To me, the one who always expects the worst. I don't have it behind me, I won't get a rest from it. And you know what? When the next presentation is over, other teachers will already come up and ask for presentations in their subjects too.
I hoped today would put an end to my depression, because that's how I felt in the last days. When there was something to smile about, I regretted that because I felt like I'm not allowed to smile. I only wanted to put this presentation to the past, concentrate on the stupid homework and breathe a little. But now I can't and I'm in serious trouble. And where is the success? Where is the success experience I needed to build up my self confidence again? I feel like a loser now, even worse than before. I won't get my self confidence back so quickly. And before you think anything useless, don't think the next presentation would give me self confidence. It won't. Even if it's the best presentation in the world, I will carry the shadow behind me of the disappointment from today. I don't want to step in front of these people again like saying "look at me, I already presented but I was too bad so here I am again".
Looks like my year is going to end in tears. I wish I could cry but I obviously didn't feel enough humiliation and disappointment yet. I can already sense the fear of new tragedies. I don't know what happens next but I don't feel good at all. On the one hand I look for help, for understanding, for being taken care of. On the other hand I feel like I need to hide from everyone and that I don't want to talk to anyone coz I would only become aggressive and say the wrong things. I'm so trapped now...I can only wait until the weekend is finally there (as if it would make me feel safe...no way).
When I came to this school, I was filled with so much hope and strength. I was surprised how easy it was for me to say something in class, to take part in the lessons, to do well. And now that's all smashed and shattered again. I see myself pulling back from discussions, I see myself being tired and exhausted, just sitting there in such an absent way. And I'm afraid because so much depends on this one year of school (I already give up going to school for longer than that).
That's how it feels now...and I don't know if you can understand. Imagine you only have one chance but things are always getting worse and you don't have the energy any more to push yourself. If you know my story of life then you know why I give up more easily.
1 comment:
Failure. It's everyone's most despised vice. Why? Because everyone faces it at some point in their life. EVERYONE.
Yes Michael, I know what's it like. I've been there. Imagine failing the same subject three times. Consecutively of course. And mind you, those exams aren't free. We have to pay in pounds sterling just to take them each time. And every time I failed, it was a marginal failure. A few marks away from passing.
So by the time I got to attempt number four, I was forced to decide: take it, and risk spending more money if I fail again, or just quit and try something else. This paper was the sixth in a series of fourteen papers I'd have to pass to finish the course. And after thinking it through, I realised that I had already come this far, and I was not going to quit now. No. Quitting is just not me. So I went back for the 4th time, and yeah, I passed.
I am aware you and me are quite different, Michael. We view failure differently. For you, it crushes your spirit, makes you not wanna go through it again, makes you fear the worst. And if there's one thing about you that I am not, is predicting how the future is going to be based on what happens today, or yesterday. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'm asking you to not do it this time.
You can do this. So what if you got criticised? You can't please everyone. I learned that too. This isn't the end. You said so, there will be more to come, more presentations, more tests etc. It's all right to make a mistake, learn from them. And please don't say to me "No it's not all right to make a mistake." I know what you mean. And I know you know what I mean.
You've been through harder obstacles than this, we both know what I mean by that. If you can get through that, you can get through this. As long as you're breathing, you have more than one chance. Think about it.
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