In case anyone ever reads this blog anyway except my girlfriend, I just want to post here to make sure nobody gets worried. Everything is more or less normal. Not stable, not absolutely positive, but at least I don't want people to think I'm going to die.
There is no continuation to the weird myths about the employment agency. Maybe they saw my blog and decided to improve their image. My advisor there today was a very friendly woman. She only made my strange behaviour obvious by repeatedly asking if I'm alright. I'm used to being considered strange. She gave me tasks to do so my mind is still not in a holiday mood. And maybe I will be so busy that it's not really holidays but more a lot of work. But before this sounds like a negative implication I will already stop talking about it. It is -not- negative. I'm just easy to be triggered by some things around me that cause this and that emotion.
Sometimes by clicking on a link to a blog of a person you don't know, you see things that make you speechless. And maybe shutting up is the best thing to do then. I wonder how so much naivity and blindness of the things in this world can exist. How can someone say things like that? Obviously because that person has never had a bad experience about her faith. What a nice trigger again. But as long as she's happy, she doesn't have to complain. I just wonder sometimes how people make their belief system so amazingly simple. Wow... just putting up a stupid sentence, adding a couple of conclusions and then calling it the truth.
I even talked about religion with my brother. I told him over and over how I hold on to the strong belief that nobody in this world owns the truth. And that I would always put the values of the old Greek and the later developed, secular societies (democracy, equality of men and women, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech) above the religious laws of ANY religion. There is no religion that would succeed in making a law for anyone. They would not do the ones justice who don't feel a sense of belonging to this law. Religions have forgotten to have absolute tolerance. I hold a grudge against their mistakes. But the thing that makes me sad is that I cannot open people's eyes.
I feel that things will be different after this summer. I'm not saying in what way because I don't know. I will keep on hoping and fighting for the best, but one thing I know is that I'm on the way of becoming a man. This is not one of these stupid, over-emotional, emancipated moments where one feels so over-special about being strong. No. I've only made the decision to represent what's good in me. To let my values speak. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking to be able to look into the mirror and say that I still like myself and that I support what I do. I will never again allow anyone to take that away from me. If that is okay to demand, then there is no problem.
The change between logical, calm, thoughtful thinking and emotional, stirred up, angry rage is becoming clearer. Tonight I noticed that I can even have both at the same time. I can be very angry because of a trigger, at the same time tell myself that I'm still theoretically willing to do what I consider possible to do, and again re-tell myself that, due to the emotions I feel, what I plan and acknowledge is possible in theory is absolutely unpredictable in reality. And then again, I reaffirm myself that it -is- theoretically possible. And furthermore, that I would easily do it if it was a little more simple. But that I don't take the blame if such an opportunity doesn't exist.
What looks as if I want to change the world is only an attempt not to be crushed. I added more lines to this sentence but deleted them again. Sometimes silence is better. I'm tired of typing things down that in the end are arrows that are directed at me. Whatever I say can mean anything, so why should I write mysterious stuff here?
I know that I do not know...
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