Friday, April 14, 2006

Easter again?!

Another 2 weeks have passed since my last entry. Only 100 days until i arrive in Singapore. If it goes as fast as this for the rest of my life then I will be 30 tomorrow.

I have to ask myself what's going on. I carry something with me and I don't even know what it is. So far I avoided Easter as much as possible. It doesn't really bring up the nicest associations. Not only in a personal way,coz one year ago I went through a hard time. But also in general. Easter, the time when the church reminds everyone of the sin. Unnecessary for someone who feels like a murderer,haha. This is it again...feeling guilty for nothing specific. Just the way I don't seem to find the answers to my questions. I wasn't raised like everyone. Can't remember it but it must have been the way that they always told me things like this: "there is this beautiful place called heaven,everything is made of gold. But it's so easy to fall for the evil and if you do that then you'll be punished". The second part is what was stronger. Fear took over. I could never identify with those who said "salvation is ours already because we believe". It never made sense that salvation was already for sure. Who in this world owns the truth?

Who says what's necessary anyway? Well, at least I have come far enough to believe that life is not a weird accumulation of coincidences. Not after what happened in the last years. But that doesn't mean that I get the feeling I can have faith. I sense betrayal behind my back. Maybe not literally. I just don't trust a situation that feels good i guess. Can't rely on anything that's just perfect the way it is. There has to be a lesson behind every corner. Something tells me if i don't make sure then I'll run into the next failure and wonder why i didn't prevent it.

On my spiritual and religious quest i have left all the known paths. There is nobody i know who could completely relate to it. My past is one thing,and the people who were there can't help me because what they believe is not what I believe in any more. But then again,they are the only ones who really understand my background. But as I said,they can't reach me. And anyone who would be in my range cannot relate to me because they don't have that past i had.

Why do I post this here. I'm afraid of being misunderstood anyway...

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