I think I know why I am more lucky than other people. Perhaps I'm so lucky because I can't say 'no' when I found something to go for. Maybe I'm so infatuated into my ideas and ideals of life that I go to extremes,until it totally hurts. Maybe I am so idealistic that it sometimes gets me the luckiness of the diligent,and sometimes the terrible hurt of the one who dreamed too much, who believed too much into the goodness of life.
I find myself getting back to the point when I want to throw everything away. It's one of the most scary moments when I sense this emotion, the feeling that I'm so close to giving my whole life up. Giving up,running away, hiding somewhere where no one can see me.
The price of a good life,the price of meeting wonderful and inspiring people is that it sometimes costs a lot more than an ordinary life. And sometimes it even costs my own values. Then I can decide between doing what is right,which is what would make me feel proud because I am loyal to my values,and doing what I have to do to get the chance of being happy (= being lucky?). It's a fascinating question,and for everyone who ever gets to this point where he/she has to make the choice between two things that are both right and wrong, it's something they will remember.
But sometimes I also think, if I make the choice that doesn't accord with my values, while someone else makes the opposite choice (for the own values), and it both contributes to one and the same thing...then is my choice even respectable at all?
Yes...think about it.
There is at least one thing that gives me hope. Right now. I know that whenever I had to go through humiliating moments,it later helped me to be good at something,or to achieve something. You'll never even experience half as much humiliation as I already did back in the year when I lost my faith (something that also strangely saves me now). In some way what happened back then broke me apart,and made place for something new. Maybe that is the only way that I can succeed. I have to go through bad times over and over,and when I can look into the mirror again, I finally feel glad again that I can do the things I like. But to be honest, I'm also afraid that I will one day go too far. But hey...it's alright. I got the message...I'm born to suffer. And it's okay, I get a lot of good things in return. Maybe I have to accept it,swallow it, move on. This world doesn't have any space left for people who want to fight for what's right. It's not a place for people like that. Not as long as there is black and white, east and west, and all that has to do with that. There will always be a loser. And see...Unfortunately I'm a guy. In many situations considered a boy. But when it comes to "taking it" or "dealing with it", they call me a "man". And a man has to take it. I'm the one who has to work, who will be asked to protect and feed the family. Yeah. If you think this is not the world we live in,then you are wrong. Whether it's an old, based on traditions kind of system,or the new world. It works the same way.
So yeah. I think I can identify with this. I am the man here, I'm the one who has to be strong. I have to take all the pain even if it is only by not telling bad things to other people,instead rather keeping them and suffering until I've earned myself a good life,a good wife,a ferrari, a palace. Suffer yourself to success. Sacrifice yourself to success. You know what? When I get sarcastic enough, I even start to believe it.
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