The German national football / soccer team - Rest in peace

Some days ago, the German national football (in the USA: soccer) team was destroyed by a black terminator called Mario Balotelli in the semi-finals of the Euro Cup in Poland and the Ukraine. It was the 4th time in a row that Germany rolled its way into the semis, but also the 4th time in a row that experts had considered the team to be a possible champion.

Since the World Cup in Germany in 2006, Germany lost important games for reasons that seem awfully familiar, and against only two different teams. I will talk about this some more:

2006, World Cup: It was a Cup taking place at home, an advantage that a team only has perhaps once every generation. After some beautiful matches, it was already called a "Sommermärchen" (sommer fairytale) in the media. Against Italy, though, the beautiful style of playing disappeared under a cloud of nervousness and insecurity, and Germany lost to later become 3rd. The German public and media shrugged it off, though, claiming that "a host should not be impolite enough to win his own tournament", and also saying that "the team is so young and has the future ahead of itself".

2008, Euro Cup: Germany played well and scored some really good wins against tough Portugal (3:2) and tough Turkey (3:2 also). This time, they made it to the finals. But being so close to winning the whole thing was too much stress, and they lost against Spain due to a small mistake, but also were never dangerous enough in their offence. So they lost. But hey: The team was still young, a golden generation to grow wiser, and surely next time they might win... because next time was even a world cup!

2010, World Cup: In South Africa, they played their best football ever. First, they destroyed England 4:1, an amazing victory, then killed off Argentina with a shocking 4:0 victory, a total humiliation of a team that was a potential candidate for winning the title. In the semi-finals, the opponent was Spain again. Suddenly, the team became extremely nervous and insecure again, and the style of playing was gone without the other team having to do much about it. Germany lost poorly and was out again. And what did the commentator on the tv channel say (say it with me aloud): "This is such a young team, they still have the future ahead of themselves, bla bla bla".

2012, Euro Cup: The group phase was tough, because Portugal, the Netherlands and Denmark were strong and dangerous. Germany did no longer play as easily and beautifully as before, a sign of decay, but at least they won all of the matches and were taken seriously. Then they got lucky because Greece was the next enemy, and Greece, out of all the teams who made it to the quarter finals, was the easiest to beat and had just been lucky to be there. Therefore, Germany totally killed of Greece, scoring 4 goals, but also having 2 goals scored against them, yet another sign of decay and not being totally focussed.
After that, there was another match that proved to be too much. It was against Italy (the team with the terminator, if you remember). Germany lost in a 0:2 defeat, and the funny thing is that they were so proud and confident before the match, but gave up all this attitude in the game. Also, Germany has never won against Italy in any cup, neither World cup nor Euro cup. Which means: Whenever they won a cup, it was because they did not have to fight Italy. But hey: The team was again the youngest team of the tournament (more young players had joined the squad), and they absolutely do have a chance to win next time, right?

Here is what we can gather from all this:

- The Team often loses due to psychological reasons and not for being the weaker team

- Nobody in the management seems to notice this or, if they do, must be incapable of solving the problem

- The media always talk about "next time" when "this time" and the mistakes made have not even been thoroughly analyzed

- Players who are thought of as leaders turn out to be scared shitless.

And thusly we go to the next point: Leaders. The DFB (German football association) has managed to form a team that is absolutely spineless. They are more a boygroup than a football team. They are smooth and slimey. They are perfect sons in law. They are always good boys, never scream, never disagree with the men in command.  They never smash their fist on the table and tell what is wrong. The same happens on the football field: The eyes are turned towards the ground. Embarrassment. Empty eyes. The body language of losers. And here are some of the big losers:


Mario Gomez

He scored 3 goals in the tournament, more than 20 goals in the German first league last season, and everything works well. The problem: He does not fit into the team. His style of playing contradicts the fast-paced, multi-pass football style that the team has. He is a striker who needs to be served with passes, but does not run much or pass into different directions. He likes to position himself in the right spot, but can be taken out of the game easily. Also, he cares a lot about his hair style and looks down a lot, looking not so self-confident, and he is static. I do not have a problem with him, but he is not the right kind of player for this type of gameplay.


Bastian Schweinsteiger

He is the supposed "leader" of the team. But that is only true if you define a leader as someone who claps with his hands and talks in a loud voice. That is as much as a leader as a loud elephant in a circus. His specialty: Giving interviews. He smiles like an idiot, touches his face in embarrassment, looks down a lot, uses empty words and the like. He never speaks up in any way, seems very shy and insecure. This boy (not man) does not have any balls. I think he is extremely overrated.







Mesut Özil

The ugliest player in the world often looks depressed and has mastered the art of looking helpless. He also likes to fall a lot when being in a fight for the ball, trying to make it look like he was fouled. In his private life, he is famous for his religious stories. Once he had a girlfriend that was already well-known for having relationships with football players (you guess why) and later this woman converted to Islam, officially "out of love for him". This is the stupidest reason for converting to a religion and beautifully contradicts the whole concept and idea of converting. But it did not matter, as Özil and the woman broke up some weeks later. I also wonder: Does this woman still fulfill her holy duties as a muslim woman? Sadly, we do not know. And even more sadly, there are not so many mullahs in this country who might make sure she does.
Özil also once said he feels forced to recite from the quran mentally when the national anthem of Germany is played before a match, because he could not "tolerate" to hear it. For your information: His family originally came from Turkey. He was offered to play for Turkey. Why did he not do it if it is such a big problem for him to hear his own anthem? This guy remains a mystery. We will see where the journey goes for googly-eyed Özil.

Now let us turn things around and look at the players of the past. People that Germany can be rightfully proud of. Guys with balls who say what is going on. Here are just some examples of what Germany really needs: Character.


Lothar Matthäus

Matthäus was world champion in 1990, being the captain of the team. He is famous for always voicing his opinion and being very controversial, but at the same time a strategic genius as a footballer. His private life is often in the news. He is even so controversial that, as a coach, he has not been able to find a job in the German league ever since his active days as a footballer were over. But whatever you say, everyone knows that he was an important factor in bringing the World Cup to Germany for the last time so far.


Matthias Sammer

This former East German played for Germany after the reunion in 1990, just missing the world cup. But in 1996, Germany won the Euro Cup, and he was the leading defence figure. He also won the Champions League with his club, Borussia Dortmund. Later, he was a very successful coach. He is also someone who does not look down or act depressed. Hell no! He also has the charisma of a winner.






Before I mention dozens of other players, let us move on to the monster, the beast, the killer:

Oliver Kahn

He won the Champions League with FC Bayern Munich and was present during the Euro in 1996, although not playing there. If you look at this guy, you probably think: Who the fuck is this weird blonde monster screaming and kicking and strangling and biting everyone? But before you get a wrong impression, apart from his more "emotional" moments, the "Titan", as he was called, was a very professional goalkeeper who was focussed on success and winning. He may have made mistakes in his career (one of which cost him the World Cup in 2002), but at least this guy, yes, he had balls. Strikers all over the world were scared of him. They were so scared they crapped their pants or handed him the trophy on a silver plate. Imagine today, if a small Messi or a skinny Cristiano Ronaldo run towards this big monster... just the way they look and run away before getting their necks broken. You never want to mess with this goal-keeping Gorilla....speaking of which:

I hope we get a few leaders soon. I dont give a shit if they look like monkeys or whether they bring a carpet to pray towards Mekka in the middle of the match, but let it rain balls one more time so that Germany can win a cup again. Thank you!