Iceberg ahead

In the last couple of weeks, I have been noticing changes about me. I get nightmares about my workplace, and that is strange because it's the job I like more than any other job I had before. My nightmares surround all kinds of failure. I get into stupid situations, embarrass myself, get a nervous breakdown, lose respect of customers and colleagues, look inferior to colleagues who have their very first day.

Then there are other things I notice. For example the way I become more cynical and cruel about certain things. I used to be an idealist and still think of myself as a friend of people. Someone who hopes for the best of everyone, doesn't want to have prejudices, respects all people. But I notice that prejudices grow, and along with them, hate and rejection, even damnation.
I get involved in political and religious debates of some sort, either on the internet or just in my head. And the way I react is not the way it would have been before. For example, I posted a comment on a youtube video. In the video, the people asked if our army was supposed to retreat from Afghanistan. I wrote there that, while I feel it would be "right" for us to stay there, there is a negative side of me that says we should abandon them and leave them with their self-made, religious society, because we get threatened all the time and it's not us who fucked up. We, as the western world, came up with human right movements and hospitals, and what did their culture achieve? That was what I wrote. And of course I got a negative comment back that said that it's disgusting how I judge over these people.
(By the way, I'm aware of the fact that most people there are "innocent")

It's frustration in me speaking. I don't know if it's a small process or a sudden change. I remember I used to believe it's wrong to judge over people in the strongest way, but I also remember that on September 11th, this side of me was taken over by a side that agrees that sometimes, people have to pay back for what they did, and I would kill if it was my turn to judge over those responsible. Okay, that's a drastic way of saying it.

It's not only that, of course. Many things happened. Maybe the reason why my thinking has become so angry is because I understood that it's not always about right or wrong. Sometimes society does wrong things to respect what should not be respected. The magic term would be political correctness. I mentioned it many times.

Then there is the question about God. I saw many videos on youtube, and the more I get involved in these things, the more it upsets me. It's like I'm trying to do something good by looking for answers, but the more I look, the more life becomes meaningless. I try to find answers to why religions are so bad sometimes and cause so much suffering, and at the same time I try to prove them wrong by making up my mind about them. But then it already leads to more, it leads to questioning that there is even anything or anyone in this universe who gives a shit. In the end it all seems like unreachable standards. And if I was not born to a religious family that indoctrinated me against my will, I would even be free of the burden of believing in a god. It's funny, the reason why I still have a small thread of faith to hold on to is because of something I wish would never have been done to me.

There are times when I feel all fighting for a good life is worthless, and life itself is meaningless. I watch many different kinds of videos on youtube, and I know how to agree or disagree, but in the end I still come into conflicts and it seems like the good side of getting informed soon goes away and I end up watching videos for the purpose of making myself angry. As if I only wanted to prove how wrong it all is.


I've done what I swore an oath to God twenty-eight years ago to never do again. I've created something that kills people. And in that purpose, I was a success. I can tell you, with no ego, this is my finest sword. If, on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut.