Michael Schumacher - Full Retard Or Chilling On Couch Watching F1?

Since Michael Schumacher's almost fatal accident in the winter of 2013, a lot of time has passed. Enough time, it would seem, for his family and manager to catch their breaths, take a time out from all the media hype, and even for the media to calm down. Enough time to wait and let them decide when to tell us the whole story about Schumacher's mysterious state of health, which all fans are eager to hear about.

I felt it was okay to give them time. But now, after one and a half years, my patience has come to an end. When I almost lost hope of ever hearing anything about the case, there is news. Finally! On May 22nd 2015. So what's the big news? How is Michael Schumacher recovering? Let's hear it from his manager, Sabine Kehm:

We are glad to say that he is making steady progress, considering the severity of his brain injuries.

What? That's it? This is the same bullshit we heard ever since we knew he was out of hospital. Look, I know that Schumacher is a private person, one who deserves his own privacy and all, but would it really hurt the family so much to just release some information about his general state of health? I mean, this guy won 7 world championships in Formula 1, so he is a worldwide icon with fans everywhere, and all they are asking for is to know stuff like this:

• Can he talk?
• Can he walk?
• Does he know what has happened to him?
• Can he remember his life from before the accident?
• Is he returning to a normal life or will he be permanently impaired?
• Does he know what is going on in Formula One?

Simple things like that. It's not like we are asking about his sex life or how terrible everything is for the family.

What's even weirder is that the family does seem to cope with things very well. Schumacher's son, for example, is becoming a race driver, and the media are watching his career already.

Why do they make such a big deal about it and keeping it a secret? I'm not asking for a photograph of Schumacher in a wheel chair, just tell me how he is!

With all due respect to privacy and the family, after all the support the family got from fans, it would be decent enough to just give one small update. One news conference where questions can be asked and answered.

Instead, we're all left to wonder what life is like for Schumacher in his home in Switzerland. Some people suggest "he is driving races again, but only in a bobby car" while others might think he is perfectly fine, chilling on the couch watching every formula 1 race and enjoying his privacy like a person who faked his own death.

My personal guess is that Michael Schumacher's injuries are so severe that too much speculation and would follow if they released any information. And especially the yellow press would feast on the sadism of permanent disabilities, the horror of having a disabled "former shadow of himself" world champion at home.

So that's my guess. But in all honesty, I think the world deserves closure.