Tuesday, July 08, 2008

For those who are still looking for that something more...

Today, 8th of July, marks the 3 year anniversary. That is something special. Can't believe it. Whoever knows about me knows what I mean.

Times are changing so fast. And I'm still looking for what feels perfect. Deep inside me I still don't feel whole. Complete. There was this magazine I read the other day at work, it was about merging with your self. About being a complete, round, solid person. To put the "I" into oneself.

This was very interesting to read. Mainly because it said the things that I basically knew, but nobody seemed to utter these words in a scientifically valid way. But now it's open to everyone. The magazine said that we all have different drives. Some people are looking for a social network, they want to feel taken care of, so they fit into social jobs. Other people are looking for power, but not in a selfish way, more in a way how they can take part in changing the world. Yet another group of people are performance people. They are not looking for power, they are looking for doing well and achieving something.

When I read through all this, I realised how much I would have needed this before, and at the same time I realised that all of this still doesn't help me. It is not that I have not asked myself what is the right job for me. There are ideas I had, but there was always something in the way. I was once a very creative person. I had ideas of creating movies, music, video games, and I could name all the ideas I would put into one of them, and I always thought:"Let me do it, I know what people want".
A lot of time passed since then. I gave up these dreams because they were always associated with one of two options: One option is to go the wild way. Castings, going on the road, sending your stuff in and hoping for good answers. Just the way where you are not trained in any way, you just try your luck and hope to be picked as one of millions of people who try. The other way is studying, because you can study music, you can study movie/theater-related stuff, you can basically study anything. But both ways didn't sound appealing to me. It never seemed right. I neither had the courage or confidence, nor the time (that's how I felt) to study my ass off for 5 years or to dare to go the wild way.

The scary part is that once you enter a way, you hardly can escape. Doing a training once already means that you are most likely to stay where you are. Even the magazine said that personell managers rarely accept people who completely changed their vocational identity. I'm afraid of being unhappy whatever I do. If I'm not happy, I might not be able to get a job in a different field.

Somehow I feel left out again when I read this. It's like everyone can just listen to the inner voice, but I can't because life just doesn't work that way. I can't just do a job training as "millionaire" or "music star" because this doesn't work. I also can't just go to a video game company and say "you know what, let me take over from here". And you know, whatever you do, you always need skills that I don't have. If you get involved with video games, you need to do programming, which I suck at. If you want to study music, you need to learn all the tiring details about classical composing, and I don't have the nerves for that. And this is how the list goes on. I even gave up once and said to myself that I will go for foreign languages instead, because at least I was good at school in English. But what is the next shock? There are practically no jobs that are only foreign language and have a good perspective for the future. One reason: There are always better-educated people who know more languages and have even studied (!). Another reason: Languages alone don't get you anywhere. You either combine them with other stuff (tourism, economy) or you let it go.

So in the end I went a way that now, I rather doubt was good. First I went to a school that trained both foreign language and business-related stuff. After one year I stopped. Now I do a training that's totally business-related, and the only way it relates to what I actually wanted is that foreign language skills are helpful. But it's not even the case that they are a primary function of the job. They are only one side skill. It's like becoming a psychatrist when you're actually into religion. It helps but it's only one part of it.

It was always hard for me to imagine being happy in a job. This idea of going to work in the morning and coming back when the bones and mind feel tired. I have nothing against temporary work like this, when I know I can expect something better, but this is just where I'm not sure. I don't know how often I have to switch companies, countries, sectors before I end up in a good job. I don't even know what I'd enjoy. Somehow I enjoy working with people, but on the other hand I also shy away from others and my social skills go to zero. Another example of two factors eliminating each other. See, I have lots of them. I am not at all a complete person.

They also showed two pictures in this magazine of what characteristics a complete, integrated person and an incomplete person have. It discouraged me because I am the epitome of the incomplete person. Mistrust, fear, insecurity, hesitancy. All traits of the incomplete person. I could basically recognize -ALL- the character traits in me. The only positive side I could see was the inner calmness I often try to achieve.

Somehow I feel sorry about my self. Yes, not about myself, about my self. I'm sorry I can't reach the part of me I need to be one with. I'm not sure how to reach the happy child that turned into something else. I am left with a lot of question marks, and when I look over to the other side of the soul river, I can only shrug because as both of us can see, there is no way I can do a social job if I am not a social person, I can not do video games if I can't do programming, I can't do music if I don't study painful theory, I can't do director if I don't dedicate my whole life to it, I can't be a writer if I don't study a thousand books. There is nothing I can be except for a mediocre person who is glad to live. I do realise there was once so much that I wanted. And I realise how I can't be happy only creating music that a handful of people listen (and the same goes for other things I do).

I want to do more. But how... and how with the little self confidence?

Only one hope was in this whole article in the newspaper. One scientist says that a love relationship is one very good road on the way of becoming yourself. You grow towards the "I" in the presence of a "you", so to speak. And I get that, because it's where you can be yourself and don't have to act. Maybe private life is and was always my last hope anyway. Miserable working life, happy private life. Let's hope for that.

"Ich warte schon so lange auf den einen Moment
Ich bin auf der Suche nach 100 Prozent"

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