How do I start this post?
I went through a lot of feelings today. And I don't think I really let out any of them so much. The part that is very hard to understand is what triggers a feeling. Why do I feel threatened all of a sudden, or why do I suddenly feel hate within 5 minutes and don't even realize where it came from or what the hidden trigger was. When I look back then, I can only recognize certain symbols, objects, all kinds of things, sometimes even chains of associations, like how a certain person symbolizes prejudice, at the same time a certain group, and this group is like that, and that goes on and on...
If only I could tell myself that my feelings are unjustified, what a great relief that would be. But the problem is that I won't be all wrong about my thoughts. I do realize that I'm wrong sometimes, but no matter how I turn things around, some things always stay the same. Like a cube, you can turn it around, it still has the same shape, even if you don't see all of them at the same time.
When I was very angry today I decided to rush into more craziness, so I watched a video on youtube that I expected would either make me more angry by confirming that my arguments are applying or it would disarm me. The video was mostly a guy standing in front of an audience talking about many different things. First my attitude was totally hostile and I was ready to use everything he said only against his position. Within a few minutes, he had commanded my respect, although in the end it was all relativized again so I'm not that much wiser than before. He got bonus points for pointing out the problem and that was something I admired, but later he said things that either sounded outdated, not entirely right or even highhly doubtable. Apart from all this, he promised to answer more questions than he later would, and the questions that were burning in me were not considered.
Some things are remaining and always will remain. There are facts that nobody can deny. One of them is that you cannot prove the truth. Sadly the reply will be "but I own the truth and I present it to you". But let's leave that out. Fact is: Nobody can know the truth for sure. Another fact is, there are several parties fighting and claiming to have the truth. They are all accusing each other of being wrong so the best thing you can do is take a huuuuuge step aside and look at all of them in a fair way. You don't need to tell your parents about it!
There is comfort and uncertainty in those facts. The comfort is that nobody can tell you "if you don't do this, you don't stand a chance". Because how would anyone know anyway? The uncertainty is that all can be right, all can be wrong. You either spend all your life trying to be good, yet you're not good enough, or even don't get anything coz what you hoped exists is only a fairytale. You can also do the opposite and then you are either lucky or you're not. Hard to say which way is best, being in the middle is probably not a good idea though.
Maybe I can relax because today I've made progress in my quest for finding a little bit of truth. Of the little truth that can be found, I might have found some. The only truth we can own is the truth of knowing that it is impossible to know. So everything that is based on that can be true if the thinking is right.
I've decided to argue if necessary, because I have a right to do so. I'm getting a little stronger and I noticed that it's better to do things the right way - and risk some things - than to do it the wrong way just to achieve something. Even -I- must prove that I'm not willing to let myself down, that's right. Maybe my enemies are not my parents right now, but there are still enough people out there who will be opponents. It doesn't have to be a hostile way, there is still space to argue. But conflict is conflict. I've thought a lot today and the outcome is that I'm more confident to just speak out how I feel and then we can see what happens. People either accept my thoughts and concerns, and try to do something, or they totally reject them but thus let me win the fight. I want to be understood and once I've made it clear, I can always fall back on that and say "I told you that this is how I feel. I'm asking you how we go about this problem now". It's a good thing to know that it's a strategy. If they offer a compromise or some kind of admission, that is a dignified way of letting all parties benefit. If they go straight against me, that will prove that I was right. I only need to prevent it from happening that people put me into the role of the commiter. It is not me who wants to rebel or disagree, I'm the one who is seeking for the right way to do things and I'm the one who's flexible within my own limits.
I'm trying not to forget what really matters. It's funny how people on this planet argue so much about something that people like me even don't care about the center of it all, the thing we argue about. The most personal things are being so politicised and taken in, even stigmatised with words that we feel disgusted. And it's all the humans. It was supposed to be that we all believed in God. Nowadays we can't even pray to God if we don't take a minute to think about how we call that god. What kind of god is it, what's the name?
That is one of the big crimes of our world. And another crime is how they make decisions for others. There could be no worse thing. I can only say it again and again, in my country it's the history classes in school where we learn what it leads to when all people just follow one person who says he knows what's the right thing to do. If you know what I mean. It's pretty simple. You just stop thinking. Other people can do the thinking. They burn the bad books and hold the good books high. You are only a small wheel in the machinery, receiving orders, so who should hold you responsible for anything?
I wish they would all shut up. I dream of a world where opinions are so widely spread that anyone can get along with another random person and that the attitude is not already visible on the skin or culture or background of the person. It's easier if people stop hiding behind their organisations. A world that is de-centralised and doesn't need spokespeople and opinion-makers that talk of "them and us". Man, it's a shame this isn't possible.
No, I cannot change the world we already live in. But I can say how I feel. I'm not going to be ashamed of my decisions, or even of my opinions any more. If I decide to hide things, then only if it's to my benefit and it's my own decision, and not because I feel afraid. I have to fight this stupid system. Not with rebellion... but I have to fight against the brainwashing that this whole system radiates. As if we have to be ashamed of what we are. I'm not going to offend where I'm not offended, I will only be honest and try to get my point across peacefully as long as my patience is still there. After all I'm human.
We will see anyway. The wisdom of the day is: People can only repress you if you let them. I'm going to rely on myself then. I don't expect anyone's mercy if my decision is not liked. But I'm not going to be the fool, either. I've played this game long enough...
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