How real is religion?

Today I finished reading the first book of a trilogy about the three Abrahamic religions. Two more to go. It doesn't seem to me that a lot of things of my own perception changed after reading the first one, which is about Judaism. I learnt some things that I didn't know before, not only religious stuff but mostly historic stuff, and although the book is written in a very dimplomatic way, I find myself in favour of Israel more than the other side in the conflict.

There is also a different tendency I notice while reading this book, and I think the next two books will even make this impression a lot stronger. The things I notice are:

-Learning more about religions and the possible explanations of how things fit together (different religious opinions against each other; science against religion, God's perfectness against the holocaust) makes me become less religious in some way. It also takes away illusions. Basically, the idea that the world was REALLY created in 6 days and that God is a humanoid being that lives in the clouds right above us, those are ideas that you start to doubt when reading this book. Not only that, you also think about your own naivity.

-The more you find out about one religion, the stronger your opinion gets. You don't change your mind about one religion, you basically get the confirmation for what you already found out for yourself. I'm not sure how that goes for other people, but for me, if I have heavy objections about a religion or a religious idea, finding out more only makes it worse. Trying to be idealistic and allowing yourself to see things from a believer's point of view leads to feeling disgusted. Before I knew a lot of things about some groups of people, I had more sympathy in ignorance. Now I feel that I've done research that already explains what is wrong to me.


I'm not sure what is worse: The claim of various religions that they own the only truth and the only way to salvation, or the fact that there is so much confusion and no way of knowing who is right?
But here it gets interesting again because of what I read: Another idea that I definitely buried is the idea that anything comes from God directly without any delay. I don't believe that any more. Because whatever is not written on stone plates and instead on pages was written down by a human being. If you claim that something you consider holy comes directly from God, that is nothing but speculation. It is a very daring idea to believe that through all the centuries, the words always remained the same just for you to read them. What makes you think that people would care about you (a person who would be born centuries later) if -they- know what they are making up, changing, or writing down by their own inspiration and not God's?

There is a similarity between things I read in this book about the creation of the world and the creation of the holy books. In both cases, what you read is not necessarily what really happened. Okay, so it says how the world was created, but does it have to be taken literally? Is it still possible to believe it in a fundamental way after science has always proven things wrong and made clerics reconsider the meaning? Some time ago, it was outrage to claim the world was round. Nowadays it's a known fact.
The same way that the world was probably created in a way that it fits in both with religion and science (created over a long amount of time but -not- by itself) also goes for the creation of the books. I don't believe that books are written without intentions. What about the polictical dimensions in books? If God is so merciful then why do we find words about conquering land and making slaves? I think that the people who wrote the books had some ideas that they wanted to convey, too.

Whatever made the people write down that stuff, it is not the way many people believe it was. Also, many people don't know -how- the books were written. They were written over long periods of time, and in many cases the stories in there were about events that happened long, long before the actual writing process. In many cases it's only hear-say. And about the godly inspiration, who does not feel inspired once in a while? Who does not have dreams or other experiences that give a very special impression? Everyone is able to claim anything out of personal experience. I don't think God became manifest in front of every prophet before that prophet wrote down what was spooking around in his head.

The special thing about religions is that they work in a totally different way than most other things. When you have a job, you need to know a lot about it. When you have a hobby, you need to be good at what you do or know what you do. If you want to learn, you need to know the facts. But in religion it's different. Religion is passed over from generation to generation and it's only based on feelings, even instincts. People strive for something to feel good in. They want hope beyond death. It's the one thing that humanity is always after, because through all the progress and innovation, there is no way to make the clock stop ticking.

Not sure what's the truth. I'm still trying to believe in God, because if I'm wrong about that then I'm probably not going to suffer from it if there is just nothingness after death. But I don't want to have to do with the world religions so much. It makes me a little angry that other people are happy in this naive make-believe world. They are so well off. The culture determines the yes and no, the right and wrong, the do and don't. Is that how it works? Does God judge people according to their regional religion? Does it perhaps not even matter? No, that would be too easy. There will be big punishment for the ones who are just too unlucky to know the truth.

End of 2007

Not to forget another blog entry for this month. 2007 is coming to an end. It was full of events and emotions, though not quite as big as 2006 in my opinion. 2008 will also be stronger again because of unknown things in the future. I hope there will be progress because I don't want to stand still all the time, at the same time I'd appreciate not to give myself up for my jobs etc.

I don't have resolutions for next year because I don't believe that making resolutions just for the sake of a new year makes a difference. If you want to change something, you can start anytime. If you don't, then a resolution won't make you stronger. But maybe people take it as a moment to remember that there -is- a chance to change things, so I accept the possibility.

I've neglected music a lot recently. Long time since I played an instrument. I'm not into it at the moment, maybe it's time for some new hobbies, though I still need to finish some songs sooner or later. It would be a waste if the material that exists only in my head will not be born. Not sure what it is good for but maybe it will be some sort of legacy one day.

Happy new year to everyone. Be prepared for the crazy surprises, disasters and triumphs of a new year.

Sweet or cheesy

No, this is not about food. It's about phrases. Recently, I came across some videos, texts, ideas that deal with the expression of love. Or whatever it is that people feel when they come up with overused lines. There are so many out there, wish I could collect them all and go angry about them. Well, I will mention some...

I want to be a tear, be born in your eyes, roll down your cheeks, and die on your lips

Wow...seriously? I mean, you really want to have such a short life? If that can even be called life. So you seriously want to exchange your life as a human being, the ability to be self-aware, to think and feel, you want to give up all this and just flow down on someone's face? How romantic... and pathetic. Well, guess what? It's your lucky day. The magic fairy will transform you into a tear so you can roll down your lover's cheek while he/she cries because his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend has just left him/her. What did you think would happen once you're gone?
I found this cheesy line with the tear in some video, it was made by a girl, I assume, for her boyfriend. I don't have a problem with that, everyone has their own way of expressing romantic ideas. It's just that sometimes, things sound so unreal when you are used to more.

I'd give 10 years of my life to know your name

I found this in a magazine today. An excerpt from a novel or something. It was something in two parts. A letter written to an unknown girl that a tourist has been watching during his vacation. He is too shy to approach her, but he is infatuated. The second part is how she writes back to him.
Well, what can I say? Someone who does not even know a girl says he would give 10 years of his life just to know her name. This sentence is not only naive, it is also absolutely insincere. Who would want that? Who would want to die 10 years earlier just to know a damn name? I mean, if they are supposed to come together and be happy, then he will find out the name anyway. And if not, will he forever be unhappy for not getting to know her (or her name)? Even if he gets to know her, that's where it starts to get interesting. What if they talk to each other and after 20 minutes, he realizes they don't fit together and he was so wrong being so in love. Won't he pull all his hair out for being such a fool and giving the devil 10 years of his life? What a loser... Come on, children can be so naive, but not grown up people. People who write novels!

I'd do anything for you

Another example. This one is very common among people, and you don't even need to be very cheesy or romantic to say that. It has become standard, just like that "Oh my god!!!" phrase where people use God's name but in fact they are not talking to Him, they just want to say how amazed they are (by the way, how would you feel if someone always used your name in that way while you are present to hear it - must be irritating). Anyway, what does "doing anything" mean? People associate heroic deeds with this, as if there's nothing that stands in the way of love, like they are never going to give up. But hold on for a second. How far would you really go? If your love says "eat a piece of dog shit", would you do that because you promised you'd do anything? Okay, that does not happen in real life, but I think some other things do happen. Sadly they don't happen to everyone, especially not the people who use those meaningless phrases. They'd deserve it so they see how they mock people who really must face having to do a lot for love.

I need you

Okay, this one is not only very common, even I have said this a lot. But I also need to wonder about it. How sincere is it and how much do people need each other? The strange thing is, once you cross the line, it's over with the needing part. Someone can say "I need you" one day, and the day after it appears that the needed person has cheated on that someone. There won't be any "I need you" after that in many cases. And anyway, what does "I need you" mean? Doesn't it rather have to be "I want you to be mine" or "Without you I'm nothing"? Needing someone has to do with being very lost without that person. But it does not mean that there are no limits.

I want to spend eternity with you

This is actually a nice one. Because it admits to be cheesy, at least in the context where I saw it. It was in some tv show in Singapore, and it was obviously some comedy stuff. It's nice to admit that something is cheesy. And maybe that makes it a little more sincere, doesn't it?

I could go on and on. A good question to ask would be: What does "I love you" mean? But I've thought about this already so I'm leaving it to the ridiculously small number of people who read this to think about if they haven't already.
And why did I post this? I don't know... but my guess is I'm a little annoyed about the couples who are trendsetters in love, the ones who always impress other people so much that the standard is so high. Nowadays, if you don't throw roses at someone all the time or if you hate valentine's day, you're already a big loser. Why do other people always need to be so over the top? I know how some couples watch other couples, and then the famous sentence is:"Look! Why didn't you ever do that for me?".

Now it's almost December and Christmas is coming. We are soon going to celebrate a special day. It is the reminder for humanity to cherish the day when Jesus and Santa Clause saved the retail industry. Rejoice everyone!

Halloween was a joke this year

I found this ladybird just now, this morning, on November 3rd. I really don't remember seeing any of them before this year, and it's really weird that now one of them shows up. It doesn't stand a chance outside, and I don't know how it got here in the first place. Must have been here the whole night. Poor thing. No matter where it goes, it won't live long. Maybe if it finds the kitchen, it can live a normal life. Nature is really out of balance.

Many people have been talking about Halloween and I wanna do that too. Yes, it has become a big thing over the last few years, and thinking about the good old 80s and 90s, it's a joke back then. But one thing I really noticed about this American tradition that many of us don't really like is that it also depends a lot on the media. And this year it was really ridiculous and pathetic, because first the big tv stations made a big deal out of it (again), always using those trailers for their tv programme with screams, pumpkins, spooky houses and stuff. But then what? You know what happened? No? You wanna know? Okay... they showed some Halloween-related stuff on the weekend (26th to 28th of October), then it was over. Because it's not worth it showing the Halloween movies or anything related to Halloween on the Halloween day itself. It's what I call "blocking", several big tv stations showing crappy stuff on tv because they all think it's not worth competing with great movies, so they just show crap, all of them at the same time, and thus reduce costs. I found it funny that they worship Halloween because it's a season where they can get more people to watch their movies, yet it's not worth showing stuff in the middle of the week. That's where suddenly the commercialised, americanised, dramatised event ends. A Halloween in the middle of the week is as uncommercial as All Saints day. And I noticed that with the normal people, too. I saw some children dressed up in costumes, but only once the door rang, and I'm not even sure if that was because of trick-or-treat people. Well... see how poor it is. Halloween is only a shadow of its former self, even if the tradition is still growing. No matter what a hype Halloween is, it still underlies the rules of the market. If it's not a public holiday, and not on a weekend, it sucks and just dies away that year. Maybe that is the difference between America and Europe.

Hm... not much else is worth mentioning. I'm still in this translator job and it's still okay. I didn't encounter such big problems, it was still bearable so far. I'm even getting used to things and notice how I get better in understanding the context. I suppose this job is going to last until Christmas time, then we will see. Now I'm getting a cold though. But tomorrow is a day off. That's all there is to say for now...

Lost in translation?

Many things happened since my last post. I got a job, resigned from the job, then got a job at the same company given by the same agency. When I first heard about it, it felt like some strange joke. Very ironic. After quitting the first job, I thought I'd never go to this place again, never see those people again and whenever I'd smell freshly cut wood, it would remind me of a bad job... possibly of a mistake.

I returned to this work place now, but I don't need to shovel dust, lift wood boards all the time or understand how to do packaging processes while it's a freezing night and the wind is blowing hard, blowing away the paper that's supposed to be wrapped around the laths, boards, sticks, whatever. I'm a translator for some Canadian engineers. So far the job is cool, sometimes boring, but not physically demanding yet.

The vocabulary is a little difficult. There are words you just don't learn in school: photo-eye, grade mark reader, grader, planer, stacker, revolver lug loader, and so on. I need to understand some of the processes so that translation makes sense. But so far everything is okay and the job is well-paid, too. If it stays this way and I can cope with it, it will keep me alive until the end of the year. But that doesn't mean that I don't expect bad things to happen. The train strikes can make it impossible to get to work, the agency I work for has strange terms and unfriendly personell, the engineers can say complicated things and ask me to understand things quickly that are just too much for me to understand. It will show how much I can handle. Right now I only wish that life itself will be very balanced so I can believe in what I do and why I do this.

I wouldn't have thought that, by the end of October, I would already have resigned from a job and gotten another one. Well, that's what happened and it's strange. There is only one thing that matters, though. And that is how much money is left after each month. Momentarily I'm in a good position. My expectation was that I would only be working in October, but not in September already. But I already worked in September and got some money. October is not over yet but I will earn some money for October that I will receive a month later (one of the bad things in this job).

The days are very long. I get up shortly before 5, and when I get home it's pretty late. I'm not sure but I think it takes about 1 and a half hours to be home when I leave my work place. That has to do with waiting times for the train, with walking, waiting again, taking the bus, and walking again. But it's basically okay. I still feel sane and emotionally stable. What I really need to avoid is that it ever makes me feel homesick to work.

Let's hope that things will be okay. I don't know what the money I earn is good for. I look at it as a reserve. It helps me pay things that come up... possible dentist bills, flight tickets, all those "only once" costs. If I live in a place of my own, it will also be a reserve for buying food. Even now I need to pay for food and transportation tickets myself. But I'm handling it.

That's it for now... I will remember that this is for making something good happen.

Check this out! Mario Kart Octo Dash!!

There's not much for me to write. I just want to promote this video a little. Please check it out if you are familiar with nintendo games. It's making fun of Mario Kart.

September is thinker's month. Two years ago my social year started, one year ago my job training started. All in September. This year a new change happens, the job training is over and I need to look for work. We will see what happens.

Return to the online world

Even though my frequency of blogging is not so overwhelming, the period between my last post and this one feels longer. I've had exams, holidays, a visit from my special someone, a broken computer and now school starts again. It is a permanent circle, it seems. Like the four seasons, there is also a repetition of once-in-a-year events. The waiting period has again started, and now the pressure will come back again. I need to start doing one thing and then the next, and hope it works.

I had many worries and a couple of hopes. The worries now seem out of place and outdated, but it's something not to forget because they were real feelings. If we ignore them, we ignore solving problems and working on improvements, too. But it's not a time to think only of bad things, either. For now I just want to finish school, and honestly I'm not into putting any more effort into it. Despite my earlier perception that I might be fully loaded with motivation, I'm once again in the end of term atmosphere. I want this to be done and then comes the next thing.

There's one thing about school worth mentioning, and that is that they prepare you for job applications and job interviews. We had two units today, one about the formal aspects of the written application, and one unit about interviews. The teacher mentioned what can be done wrong, what to do when a dove shits on your clothes just before the interview, how to present yourself to get a job, and also that the job interview starts when you enter the building and ends when you leave it, not when you enter the interviewer's room. Other things at school are worth forgetting, but I'll just leave it like that because soon I can concentrate on the future again.

The holidays were good. As expected it was not totally the same thing as last year, but in my opinion it was very close to what I hoped for. There were elements of all things that were necessary: Times for enjoying, times for serious thinking, times to leave old things behind by settling them. My family was a big distraction at times but they are not who I will spend the rest of my life with. I consider their critisism but I also know that what they sometimes perceive is only half the story and also totally exaggerated. They see what they want to see.

In the end I can say: It was good because it worked, in the first place. All I asked for was that. What happened in the end was then also very good because there was so much to remember. I keep finding myself thinking about how I should have stopped time from moving. Why does it feel this way? No... it's useless to stop time from passing. Doesn't work. Soon I will turn the page of my calendar, then there won't be any more reminders of the things we had on our schedule for doing. Crazy... two weeks ago was Ira's birthday. Five days ago we were still on that island. How can it be five days? Five days is one week of school. It may sometimes pass annoyingly slow, but a week of school still passes quickly enough... but being on the island feels like... at least two weeks ago.

If I find a job then there is a chance that I will enjoy life. All I'm asking for is something where I can earn money without having to deal with other people. That would be the best thing. Just doing my own thing and getting paid for it. No contact, no hanging out with other people, no homework at home. Just that satisfying feeling at the end of the month when the bank account has more numbers on it.

Alright... I'll write again. Soon it's thinker's month again. September, month of remembering and finding orientation, month of changes. When the first leaves fall and the sun turns to golden red, it's when I find time to let the past and future melt together.

I want to sleep until everyone shuts up

In case anyone ever reads this blog anyway except my girlfriend, I just want to post here to make sure nobody gets worried. Everything is more or less normal. Not stable, not absolutely positive, but at least I don't want people to think I'm going to die.

There is no continuation to the weird myths about the employment agency. Maybe they saw my blog and decided to improve their image. My advisor there today was a very friendly woman. She only made my strange behaviour obvious by repeatedly asking if I'm alright. I'm used to being considered strange. She gave me tasks to do so my mind is still not in a holiday mood. And maybe I will be so busy that it's not really holidays but more a lot of work. But before this sounds like a negative implication I will already stop talking about it. It is -not- negative. I'm just easy to be triggered by some things around me that cause this and that emotion.

Sometimes by clicking on a link to a blog of a person you don't know, you see things that make you speechless. And maybe shutting up is the best thing to do then. I wonder how so much naivity and blindness of the things in this world can exist. How can someone say things like that? Obviously because that person has never had a bad experience about her faith. What a nice trigger again. But as long as she's happy, she doesn't have to complain. I just wonder sometimes how people make their belief system so amazingly simple. Wow... just putting up a stupid sentence, adding a couple of conclusions and then calling it the truth.

I even talked about religion with my brother. I told him over and over how I hold on to the strong belief that nobody in this world owns the truth. And that I would always put the values of the old Greek and the later developed, secular societies (democracy, equality of men and women, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech) above the religious laws of ANY religion. There is no religion that would succeed in making a law for anyone. They would not do the ones justice who don't feel a sense of belonging to this law. Religions have forgotten to have absolute tolerance. I hold a grudge against their mistakes. But the thing that makes me sad is that I cannot open people's eyes.

I feel that things will be different after this summer. I'm not saying in what way because I don't know. I will keep on hoping and fighting for the best, but one thing I know is that I'm on the way of becoming a man. This is not one of these stupid, over-emotional, emancipated moments where one feels so over-special about being strong. No. I've only made the decision to represent what's good in me. To let my values speak. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking to be able to look into the mirror and say that I still like myself and that I support what I do. I will never again allow anyone to take that away from me. If that is okay to demand, then there is no problem.

The change between logical, calm, thoughtful thinking and emotional, stirred up, angry rage is becoming clearer. Tonight I noticed that I can even have both at the same time. I can be very angry because of a trigger, at the same time tell myself that I'm still theoretically willing to do what I consider possible to do, and again re-tell myself that, due to the emotions I feel, what I plan and acknowledge is possible in theory is absolutely unpredictable in reality. And then again, I reaffirm myself that it -is- theoretically possible. And furthermore, that I would easily do it if it was a little more simple. But that I don't take the blame if such an opportunity doesn't exist.

What looks as if I want to change the world is only an attempt not to be crushed. I added more lines to this sentence but deleted them again. Sometimes silence is better. I'm tired of typing things down that in the end are arrows that are directed at me. Whatever I say can mean anything, so why should I write mysterious stuff here?

I know that I do not know...

Please help me...

I cannot keep up with my quietness. There has to be another post again because I don't know how to handle my emotions. Where do I turn to with this? It's better to find a quiet place to cry. Maybe my bed at night.

Today started well, it's the first of three exam days for me, and today was also the toughest because there were three exams. They went better than expected and I would say really well. Well, that was the better half of the day.

The other half is that something came up from the back of my head again. I don't even know what it is, maybe I'm just wondering why I feel this mix of anger, fear, guilt and depression.

Anger because I can't have things as simple as I would like to.

Fear because I know what it's like to lose something that you've loved and that you loved all your life.

Guilt because I realize that I'm breaking down, that I'm the one who doesn't know what to do any more. And because I might have to rely on someone else while not being able to be of any help. If I even get to deserve that kind of help.

Depression because I don't know how to get out of this. There are two ways of feeling better, but they exclude each other.

Today was also the third time this month that I cried. It's a relief to cry and at the same time a terrible reminder of how things look inside. The worst thing is to get to the thought that it would be better to -die- than to choose any of the options that are available. No, I don't feel like killing myself although I imagine just running away and then being killed accidentally. Not my fault, at least I wouldn't have to decide any more. Sorry if it sounds harsh... if there was any chance not to long for this then I'd take it, but I don't feel that I have it in my hands.

What is my last resort? My last resort is that I either receive promises that I cannot pay back with anything I have, or my last resort is that I only -hope- things get better and remember that it happened before that something that looked impossible got more or less possible in the last second. That is not a huge hope and I don't know if I can invest several years of my life for hoping this way.

Maybe the worst thing is that it's unfair. Not only against me. It is unfair in every sense I can see. Unfair against me, unfair against others, it's against love, against a relationship that wants to breathe, a relationship that has the same right to be kept simple just like all the other relationships out there. And no, I didn't choose a complicated relationship... because I'm too different to get along with anyone here, yet not different enough to get along with the very different ones anywhere else.

I know what God wants from me. He wants me to be patient and to be good and to wait until it all makes sense, asking me to remember that it's not deliberate suffering He is forcing upon me but a plan that doesn't work differently. Yes, I know how all this works... in the end I'm supposed to come out with something that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. But well... I wonder how far it goes. Doesn't He know that I will reach a point where I have to disappoint Him? So many tests... and so many times that I fail.

What can I even ask for now... it feels wrong to ask for anything and at the same time I cannot go on without asking for some things. How I wish someone out there would know how I feel and not push away my wishes only because they own a different truth.

I'm going crazy because I'm desperate. All my plans that I've made for the future, they are starting to shake and tremble and threatening to fall apart. I may be exaggerating, but then why do I still go back to this point? I don't want to underestimate the situation.... my sensitiveness is too dominant and I can't lose myself to get where I want to get. That wouldn't be reaching the goal... that would be suicide. I must save myself, too.

I can only call for help... *sighs*

Hello to July

Today is Marit's birthday. Happy birthday!

It's the beginning of a month that's supposed to be the hottest, together with August. We will see though. At the moment it's more like autumn and at the same time the strangest July in ages. Possible that the next months won't be representative for other summers.

There might be other topics to blog about in the month of July. Maybe another episode of the crazy employment agency series, maybe something about final exams. But at the moment I take it that this might be the last entry for July, because events are very unpredictable and time-consuming.

I feel like this is a departure into some kind of journey I'm taking. So goodbye until I'm back with news.

Ready to fight (?)

How do I start this post?

I went through a lot of feelings today. And I don't think I really let out any of them so much. The part that is very hard to understand is what triggers a feeling. Why do I feel threatened all of a sudden, or why do I suddenly feel hate within 5 minutes and don't even realize where it came from or what the hidden trigger was. When I look back then, I can only recognize certain symbols, objects, all kinds of things, sometimes even chains of associations, like how a certain person symbolizes prejudice, at the same time a certain group, and this group is like that, and that goes on and on...
If only I could tell myself that my feelings are unjustified, what a great relief that would be. But the problem is that I won't be all wrong about my thoughts. I do realize that I'm wrong sometimes, but no matter how I turn things around, some things always stay the same. Like a cube, you can turn it around, it still has the same shape, even if you don't see all of them at the same time.
When I was very angry today I decided to rush into more craziness, so I watched a video on youtube that I expected would either make me more angry by confirming that my arguments are applying or it would disarm me. The video was mostly a guy standing in front of an audience talking about many different things. First my attitude was totally hostile and I was ready to use everything he said only against his position. Within a few minutes, he had commanded my respect, although in the end it was all relativized again so I'm not that much wiser than before. He got bonus points for pointing out the problem and that was something I admired, but later he said things that either sounded outdated, not entirely right or even highhly doubtable. Apart from all this, he promised to answer more questions than he later would, and the questions that were burning in me were not considered.

Some things are remaining and always will remain. There are facts that nobody can deny. One of them is that you cannot prove the truth. Sadly the reply will be "but I own the truth and I present it to you". But let's leave that out. Fact is: Nobody can know the truth for sure. Another fact is, there are several parties fighting and claiming to have the truth. They are all accusing each other of being wrong so the best thing you can do is take a huuuuuge step aside and look at all of them in a fair way. You don't need to tell your parents about it!

There is comfort and uncertainty in those facts. The comfort is that nobody can tell you "if you don't do this, you don't stand a chance". Because how would anyone know anyway? The uncertainty is that all can be right, all can be wrong. You either spend all your life trying to be good, yet you're not good enough, or even don't get anything coz what you hoped exists is only a fairytale. You can also do the opposite and then you are either lucky or you're not. Hard to say which way is best, being in the middle is probably not a good idea though.

Maybe I can relax because today I've made progress in my quest for finding a little bit of truth. Of the little truth that can be found, I might have found some. The only truth we can own is the truth of knowing that it is impossible to know. So everything that is based on that can be true if the thinking is right.

I've decided to argue if necessary, because I have a right to do so. I'm getting a little stronger and I noticed that it's better to do things the right way - and risk some things - than to do it the wrong way just to achieve something. Even -I- must prove that I'm not willing to let myself down, that's right. Maybe my enemies are not my parents right now, but there are still enough people out there who will be opponents. It doesn't have to be a hostile way, there is still space to argue. But conflict is conflict. I've thought a lot today and the outcome is that I'm more confident to just speak out how I feel and then we can see what happens. People either accept my thoughts and concerns, and try to do something, or they totally reject them but thus let me win the fight. I want to be understood and once I've made it clear, I can always fall back on that and say "I told you that this is how I feel. I'm asking you how we go about this problem now". It's a good thing to know that it's a strategy. If they offer a compromise or some kind of admission, that is a dignified way of letting all parties benefit. If they go straight against me, that will prove that I was right. I only need to prevent it from happening that people put me into the role of the commiter. It is not me who wants to rebel or disagree, I'm the one who is seeking for the right way to do things and I'm the one who's flexible within my own limits.

I'm trying not to forget what really matters. It's funny how people on this planet argue so much about something that people like me even don't care about the center of it all, the thing we argue about. The most personal things are being so politicised and taken in, even stigmatised with words that we feel disgusted. And it's all the humans. It was supposed to be that we all believed in God. Nowadays we can't even pray to God if we don't take a minute to think about how we call that god. What kind of god is it, what's the name?

That is one of the big crimes of our world. And another crime is how they make decisions for others. There could be no worse thing. I can only say it again and again, in my country it's the history classes in school where we learn what it leads to when all people just follow one person who says he knows what's the right thing to do. If you know what I mean. It's pretty simple. You just stop thinking. Other people can do the thinking. They burn the bad books and hold the good books high. You are only a small wheel in the machinery, receiving orders, so who should hold you responsible for anything?

I wish they would all shut up. I dream of a world where opinions are so widely spread that anyone can get along with another random person and that the attitude is not already visible on the skin or culture or background of the person. It's easier if people stop hiding behind their organisations. A world that is de-centralised and doesn't need spokespeople and opinion-makers that talk of "them and us". Man, it's a shame this isn't possible.

No, I cannot change the world we already live in. But I can say how I feel. I'm not going to be ashamed of my decisions, or even of my opinions any more. If I decide to hide things, then only if it's to my benefit and it's my own decision, and not because I feel afraid. I have to fight this stupid system. Not with rebellion... but I have to fight against the brainwashing that this whole system radiates. As if we have to be ashamed of what we are. I'm not going to offend where I'm not offended, I will only be honest and try to get my point across peacefully as long as my patience is still there. After all I'm human.

We will see anyway. The wisdom of the day is: People can only repress you if you let them. I'm going to rely on myself then. I don't expect anyone's mercy if my decision is not liked. But I'm not going to be the fool, either. I've played this game long enough...

Employment Agency: The Legend Begins

As a good reader you already know I've mentioned the employment agency before. Now I decided to name the posts after the agency itself because I think it will become a series of posts. Just to catch up with what happened, I will write down my personal history with them.

It started many years ago when I went there first. There's actually not much to say. Comments like "you don't know what you want" or "if you present yourself like this, you won't get any job" were the first encouragements I got. When I went there, it was always to receive information, but what I got was that I should look for it myself. Basically their only responsibility seems to be to get people work... but don't get me wrong, I'm only talking about the people who already sit in the offices of THAT building... not the people who seek help there.

Last time I went there, I asked for help in a way that I wanted to know what my options are. I was more prepared than before because I could say what I did, what I will do and what I want, roughly. Then this lady told me to wait for a phone call where they will help me out, I also mentioned I might want to have an advisory session where they help me (once again). She asked me when I have time to be called on a thursday, I told her, and in the blink of an eye I had a red piece of paper in my hands with the respective date... well, not quite, it was a tuesday instead, but mistakes happen.

Now was the magic day. One of the days that always show how well this agency functions. I was home early enough, and my imagination was that I would talk to a person who will listen to my problems, say that it's too much to talk about on the phone and that we should make an appointment for a real conversation. I knew from talking to the lady that I should only receive the call, therefore I thought all that would be there to do was to be prepared for the phone conversation in the same way that I had talked to the lady. Okay... the conversation went like this:

Me: *says my name*
Agent: Hello, I'm *very quick, not understandable words* from *can't understand* for work. You were asked to be called back, so I can note your details for being announced jobless *more strange words*. Do you have time now?
Me: Yes, I have time.
Agent: Where were you born?
Me: Leonberg.
Agent: ...Leonberg?
Me: Yes.
Agent: Your date of birth is 12 January 1983?
Me: Yes.
Agent: Alright. What is the number of your pension insurance?
Me: ......Oh........ I don't know.
Agent: ............................................... What is your bank number?
Me: Ummm..... I don't have that here now.
Agent: Okay.... what about your curriculum vitae?
Me: *Wondering what exactly he means about it. Maybe he wants me to have a completely written out version of it?* Um.... no, don't have anything available right now.
Agent: Hmm... well, you need those details. I should call you back another time. Is Thursday morning okay?
Me: No, I have school then.
Agent: When are you at home on Friday? Or do you have to work then? (Why work?)
Me: Oh... after 2:30.
Agent: Monday maybe, 3:30pm?
Me: Yes, okay. Um... so I need bank number, pension insurance number and what exactly about the CV?
Agent: Just what kind of work you had so far, what kind of training, and so on.
Me: Alright. Okay.
Agent: Okay, thank you. Bye.
Me: Thanks, bye.

Bureaucracy at its best. Okay, someone who's well organized would have known his bank number by heart. Someone who expects the unexpected or is experienced will have his pension insurance number ready. But come on, nobody who expects a simple phone call will have a list of work and training stations of his career ready just because that woman the other day said "you will be called back". I mean, I had no idea what to expect, and I actually expected something else than someone typing down my details so I can officially call myself member of the club of the unemployed. My central aim was not have to be unemployed, I'm looking for solutions. Now it looks like they either got it wrong, or they don't care, or maybe it's just a very complicated procedure that goes on and on with more formalities. I'm curious what kind of embarrassing situations await me, with more and more numbers, dates, details asking to be told, without me knowing them. At least this is how it works here.

There are other authorities where things work differently. There was one where I was shown what to do as if I was a kindergarten child. Even with pictures and everything. Amazing, I felt a little strange when that happened. Now it's the total opposite, lack of information, possibly lack of knowing what's going on there. They are so busy sending files of people around that the basic information, what does the customer want, gets lost on the data highway.

I'm sure I will write about this again. Will Mighty Mike survive the jungle of bureaucracy? What other authorities will make his life difficult? Does bureaucracy cause cancer? Who invented it? Many more questions to come...

Mouse in the house

My cat brought a mouse home and caused my mum to go crazy, screaming like a hysterical idiot. Very annoying when you consider that it's only a childhood fear, just like many other feelings imposed on people through childhood.

The mouse was very intelligent, it ran away to hide at places where it's hard to reach. It was also very fast. After more than half an hour of fighting it, together with a confused and very stupid looking cat, we had to give up because the mouse was nowhere to be seen. It must have escaped without any of us knowing.

Cute animal, I must say. Too bad that it's not compatible with my mum and the cat.

This entry shows that I don't have much to say. I had a dream of getting a test back which was graded with an E. Big shock. Let's hope it won't become true. Also some dream about my girlfriend that I can't recall at all, I only know there must have been something.

The first visit to the employment agency was okay, the only mistake that happened there was that the date the lady there mentioned and the date she wrote on a small card differ from each other. So I don't know which date she meant, I only know someone will call me on the phone. But it's okay, I know how hard it is to work in a service job, so I won't go against such people if I can. At least not them, but I will see what the job advisors have to say.

I have cardiovascular problems at the moment, when I get up from a seat, I feel dizzy, and in general I wanna sleep all the time but I can't. Not all the time but often. Not sure what's wrong, it feels like it gets worse year by year. Strange... and the weather isn't even so difficult, it's quite okay.

That's all for now.

A principle of life

Today I got reminded of one of the basic principles of life. The principle of "Something is always lying around where you can see it but when you are looking for it, it's gone". There are different levels of this. The most basic and most obvious way of it is when it's about objects in your house. You have lots of things lying around that you don't need, but they are there for a reason. Things like magazines, screws, certain tools, anything that might be useful but most of the time you don't need it. Then comes the magic moment. You remember reading something in book X, remember seeing the fly swatter somewhere (you need it at night when the stupid blood suckers come), or you look for hammer Y or screw Z because there is something to nail into the wall. But you look and look and the object isn't anywhere to be seen. That is the crazy principle. Whatever exists is only there when you don't need it and disappears when you need it. The level of human relationships that this principle applies to can be described with the words "Why do we never know what we got till it's gone". It's the same logic.

But it also applies for other things, like jobs. I want to explain this. In the last months I've heard it many times that there are jobs that pay very well while not asking for much in return. They don't ask for qualification, they don't ask for job interviews, they just take you if you're motivated. The only catch is that the work is boring, but that's okay because you need the money. I've heard it from someone at my former work place, then I've heard it at my school, even my mum's colleague did such a job! Okay... so I thought, if she can earn 2000 euros in 5 weeks, then I can do that too. By the way, her occupation back then was to put car seats together. Supposedly a very boring yet lucrative job.

Now I checked the internet sites of some agencies that deal with jobs, one of them being the site of our beloved, sweet-scented, dulcet, rejoicing employment agency. Oh, dear readers, these people are my soulmates. I can tell you, they are great people. How I appreciate their advice. They are famous for their encouragements such as "If you present yourself like this you won't get a job" or "You don't even know what you want" or "Why don't you just search for something in the computer?". *Sighs* How I miss their words. So competent yet personal and loving. I hope they earn a lot of money for their work. If I could earn my money like this, just critizising people and still wondering why we have 10% unemployment, I'd feel honoured.

Well, their internet site isn't great either. It's very confusing, undetailled, doesn't give you much information. Their search functions demotivate you. And above all, they don't seem to contain any of those wonder jobs that I've been told about.

Now I will do something I don't do a lot, but this blog will testify that I was right. I hereby predict that they will look at me in a weird way, laugh at me or tell me that such jobs don't exist when I come to them to ask them face to face. Okay, now you've read it. Let's see what happens. I think they will say:"Sorry, such jobs don't exist. Why do you think we have so much unemployment? If such a job existed, everyone would want it". Yeah, sure. But why do other people always seem to get those jobs and I only hear about them in legends?

Yeah, it sounds like a legend. There was a guy named William Wallace who earned 2000 euros in 5 weeks. They call him Workhard.

I'll see what will happen. Can't get rid of the impression that the bad employment agencies we have and the 4 million unemployed people are in some kind of relation... not only that they need to go to the agencies, they probably stay unemployed because of them. Another example: You search for "Job center [name of city]" and get hundreds of hits, yet the only thing that's missing is the address of THAT job center itself. You hear about the job center in legends, you read about it on internet sites, yet there is not a single link to this legendary job center. Wow... great public appearance.

I'm supposed to not start with conspiration theories because I seem to have the reputation that I see bad signs everywhere and that everyone is against me. You need to know this is really how I think sometimes, or used to think. It really gets to me sometimes coz some things really -are- strange. Anyway, I only wanted to state here what I predict will happen. The problem is there are only 400-euro jobs, but I want more, much more than that. Let's see what happens. I'm already looking around for my options.

Something wrong with me?

One worry comes, one worry goes (or at least there is hope). I prayed for some meaningful dreams, and without knowing I had one and later realized it. There is no reason to be overoptimistic, it's just that one door opened up today, and it is more the fact that some people were proven wrong (teachers, employment office) than the chance of making something possible. It only matters that there are options that make it possible for me to combine different things in the future. Right now it's enough to know about them, no need to decide yet.

That was the good thing. What gives hope is that the two things that came up today came in a way that's acceptable. The worry was an old worry, and when you think about it, you realize there is nothing new about it. It was there from the start and all that's different is that is has been discussed more. It is clearer now, or maybe it isn't? At least it is there now, where it belongs, so there is no way of saying it wasn't visible. The other thing is new, and it is a good thing. So what else can we ask for? Does it make it a good or a bad day?

I try to be careful. But what is that anyway... I don't feel so much wiser, somehow I feel broken and easily depressed, and most of all confused and sensitive. I'm not the kind of person who wants to rip someone's head off, I'm too sensitive for that. Not the kind of person who judges over people that way, though I judge in a different way, not with anger, more with feelings of stepping away carefully and with fears. It's never turning away, never. It's only a small child's response. I can respond with anger, but it takes different things for that. When I make an angry impression on the outside, it's only impatience or frustration. Inside what goes on is uncertainty and feelings of resignation, maybe that describes it.

We live in the present, and indeed it's May now. Not July. One day we will look back and see what actually happened. If the worries turned out to be useless like last time, I will take it easy, knowing I can't rely on luck all my life and that it's never bad to only rely on things and people you can rely on. I hope I will not find out my worries are justified. The option between those two is that it doesn't even happen that certain people show what they are capable of in a bad way. We will see. Still so much time to become so much wiser.

Right now the feeling is restlessness. I will also feel different tomorrow, but I don't know if I will feel much better, because I'm the kind of person who can't stop a question from being asked once it comes up. There's either an answer to it immediately or I comfort myself with something like "soon...soon". My comfort is that we can find out more before the drama starts.

Nevertheless, I'm sensitive because I can't stop feeling accused when situations like the one now take place. On the one hand I said what I thought should have been said, on the other hand I feel guilty because I seem to be totally incapable of understanding other people. Do I act like it's not clear though it is clear what I try to say? Did it help that I said something? Am I supposed to shut up next time? And apart from that: What do I say when someone feels bad, but all I can say is that it doesn't change the sad facts? Does it make me a typical guy if I don't know what to do with someone's feelings? How to react? I wish I could show the compassion I feel, but at the same time I feel the urge to convey that it's not a good time to be sentimental.

It's a curse when you feel like you know something, yet at the same time whenever you open your mouth it causes frustration. Maybe I should just shut up for good because I will see what I got. I will either see a good surprise or I will see that things go wrong if I don't assist. I seriously have to stop trying to manipulate the course of events. Whatever happens, it will lead to something good, I guess. We will be wiser. We will learn something.

Focus and distraction

I will post now so I don't miss the May post.

Funny how life always finds something that you can worry about, and even if it's the same topic, it appears in different colours and shades.

This is the right time to be aggressive and powerful, so depression won't swallow you. Anger is more useful than despair.

Amazing how some people do things you can only shake your head about. But then again there are useful actions to take against them. I think I will have to consider the block option too, sooner or later.

Possible plans for this weekend: Music. Reading. Watching funny clips on the internet that make you cry tears of laughter. They work against the permanent voices that try to turn you into a monster. Can't let them win.

What does God say when I tell Him that I think life is so much easier if you don't worry? Am I not supposed to worry anyway, does He allow me to take a break knowing that my life might be long enough not to hurry, what does He think anyway?

Funny and absurd how life works. At school I'm popular, people consider me to be likeable, I even come to think that my hairstyle has emphasized on my personality. Apart from that, it even happened today at English grammar classes that people react to whether I nod or shake my head after someone said something. So I'm their source of wisdom. Funny.

At school things look good and I never thought I'd say that school is a positive distraction. It's just like sleep because you let go of thoughts. If you're wondering about it, it has a scientific reason. Distraction of any kind allows the subconscious mind to process the data in your brain, and to solve problems.... like knots.

It's a good thing, this distraction. And sometimes we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We should even be modest. I would already consider myself lucky to have a good life and to be happy with the special person who doesn't have series (doesn't have to make sense in case anyone else reads this).

Hmm... long time since I wrote a song. Good therapy too. Ah... must relax now. Let a calm phase of life start so we have enough energy for the tasks ahead of us. Full concentration please. Here we go.

End of April

I should not let this month pass without writing here.

Life has been an up and down again. I guess it's the way it always goes, from birth to death. As a baby you cry because something is always wrong, to the dismay of the sleep-deprived parents, and as an old person you hope that your pension will bring you through the month and that nobody will take away your belongings due to debts.

We live in the most luxorious time ever, at least up to now. We have highly developed toilets, kitchens, tv, we can have rice in two minutes or we can order our food by telephone. Yet, this is still a cruel world even if there's no war, or people getting stoned....umm... where I live.

There are still so many problems and it feels "lonely" to think that I'm one of few people who really think about life the way I do. People around me can't stop discussing which disco to go to next weekend, I already think about what it means to leave this world one day, and what consequences it brings. I wonder how many times I need to walk under the stars until I can say that I've not lived in vain and that I've appreciated life enough to not cry tears of regret when it ends.

Life is still cruel also in everyday life. We don't need war to worry. There are wars though, invisible wars. They are created by the rules that the system created, like the invisible hands of supply and demand. A human being is only working substance, a working resource, material of which physical labour is formed. There is no space for sentimental thoughts.

Then there is also hate or resentment. People I consider close to me don't understand my efforts. They see a problem that is more important to them than me, so they think that I can just step back and mind my own business. They don't know that life is hard for everyone and that just because they have problems, they think that I don't have the right to get something. But it's hard to explain. It doesn't even matter coz hardly anyone reads this blog. I know that I must also be careful with who to give feelings like trust. Especially people who are somehow family but somehow they're not. Blood is thicker than water but that is not the appropriate sentence in that case. It won't be the same blood.

Enough of talking in riddles. Maybe the most interesting lesson came from school this week. The rule of capitalism: If everyone thinks of himself only, everyone is considered.

Message from above or just a weird dream?

I want to write down a dream that I had last night, and discuss it here a little. There were several dreams, but the most fascinating one was saved until the morning. I woke up at 9:50am, and that was when this dream ended. Now I will tell the dream first:

You hear a choir of high voices (probably a choir of young boys). They sing a song which is unknown to me and was possibly generated by my brain. "Veo, veo, veo" (spanish for "I see"). They keep singing this all the time with orchestral accompaniment in the background. Then a voice reads the following words:

"The sheepherders slew their sheep; and even the ones who read the quran, their sheep were not safe from their staffs."

The next thing you see is a quran, then a person kneeling in front of it. You see more of them. You see several people, mostly men, performing prayers in a pampa/desert like hill area. It is very dark and it seems to be their morning prayer.

And so the dream fades, with the same theatrical, pathetic, religious, almost "holy" music playing in the background. The atmosphere has caused awe in me.

If this dream had happened to someone hundreds of years ago, the person who had the dream would have thought it must be a dream from above, a religious message. Nowadays you wonder what it is, is it that or just something coming from inside of you. No matter what it is, a dream always has a function and when it's so enigmatic, it also has a message.

Let's go to dream analysis. One thing that you should not do is to think what many books suggest: That sheep means X, snake means Y and crocodile means Z. There are only very few dream figures that have a universal meaning for everyone, but animals usually have an individual meaning for each person. In this dream though, it's pretty clear. The dream is an allegory, at least to some point. The meaning of "sheep" and "sheepherders" is the same that it has in the bible and possibly in the quran. The sheepherders must be religious leaders, the sheep are the common believers. The words that are read out in the dream suggest that it is a quote from one of the holy books. It is even possible that my subconscious mind quoted a passage that really exists, even if my conscious mind does not remember hearing it. If it's made up, it still says a lot but the message is not clear.

It says: All sheepherders beat their sheep to death. And even the muslim sheepherders beat their sheep to death. Therefore, nobody is safe.

I'm trying to understand what it means. First I thought that it must express a prejudice against islam, but I'm not so sure about that because the general message is that nobody can be saved from those religious leaders. Islam is mentioned explicitly as one of the religions whose leaders are dangerous to the followers, but it is not only "against islam". Maybe this passage is intended to suggest that there is a time when sheep should learn to think independent.

I'm not sure what to say about the rest of the dream. There is this spiritual music, I think it emphasizes the importance of the dream. The people who pray on the hills, they express an image of a time many centuries ago when the words were written down, so they stand for the past. The text itself is a link to the future, because what is says is something that I think might happen long after those guys pray there. I also remember that the voice that spoke these words even mentioned where it was written, but I don't clearly remember... but it probably originated from my mind anyway.

I will have to think about this dream.

Zeit zum Denken

Watching Dr. House for so many hours in the last days was helpful. I had some side effects like a feeling of exhaustion, but it's normal when you don't do much besides watching tv and only getting up for cooking, or getting up for going to bed again. This week I stayed home on one day and left school early another day. So it was almost half a week that I spend in school only. But one thing leads to another and perhaps it saved me some time at the end of my life when all the stress will pay off in a bad way. It was enough stress anyway and maybe that tires me the most.

Yesterday and today I sensed some feeling of sadness, and this morning when getting ready for school I felt like crying for a short time, then lost that feeling in school when everything was alright for a while. It's when the different side of me shows, the side that doesn't have to think much, the side that just enjoys simple conversations, making fun with and of people, just enjoying life. If you know me in person then you know this side.

Coming back to Dr. House, what I appreciate about this tv series is not only the stuff that everyone mentioned he/she likes about it. The show also makes people think, one of the most promising features of a good tv show. There are many controversial decisions, people deal with right and wrong, going with rules or going against them for the sake of what's called "right". They have virtues but also give up virtues if conditions change. Dr. House deals with many personal stories, of which religion touched me the most. The way the topic was picked up was not the way I get confronted with it usually... it's not in the most hurtful way, it is the way that leaves some things open to you and shows that you are not alone with your weakness, your shame and your failure. And it underlines the ridiculousness of people trying to prove that they own the truth. I guess.

It's strange that something so artificial like a tv series, produced for the masses, is a source of information and inspiration, a source that makes me think which I don't blame for anything. It's amazing that it reminds me of things I don't like to think about, but how it reminds me is in a way that I don't feel angry about it. And this is it? The only something that is able to reach me in a good way is a tv series. Not any real life thing or person could make me think in this specific kind of way that it made me think. I guess it's what many well known writers of the past said, that it's the purpose of theater, cinema and books to change people by putting a mirror in front of them.

So why was I so depressed anyway? I feel like I've been or still am pregnant with a thought. Or to be precise, an... idea... or maybe rather a fact. Not sure how to explain. I notice something that is true in some way and I've pushed it away for so long.

My thinking worries me, it even scares me. Within only a couple of days I noticed that I overlooked something important about my feelings. And again that is something I admire about House. How he doesn't save his patients from looking at the hurtful reality. He wakes people up, and that makes me think about things too.

I'm not done with thinking yet. There are some thoughts that I brought to life already, but the chain of realization isn't finished. Let me see what I can think of right now: I realized that I cannot take as much as I thought. I realized that if I overdo it, I lost more than I would lose if I just said that I can't, can't take it. I notice that it's dangerous for me if I play the strong guy who can take so much... then I suddenly don't know what's left in me. And the latest thought is what has made me feel scared... but how do I put it into words?

Perhaps I can try to wrap it in metaphors, examples, comparisons...

Imagine you want something very much, but you know that to get it, it takes things that you clearly don't want. You are not given time to think about it, you are unable to decide because you're already in it. Remember: You want it, you don't think about it.
So what happens? You have the power of a steam engine and work your way through it, you fight against the pain while you run nakedly through bushes of thorns.
This works for a while...
Hm... the problem is, if you really run through bushes of thorns all the time, just because you want something and you accept walking through all the shit, at some point it really gets too much and you break down if there's no end to it, at least not near where you are.
So... it's just that this came to my attention. I don't go through life like an angry steam engine all the time. There are times when I see other people and their lives. I don't switch off thinking about what other people do. And even if it doesn't matter to me who they are, and I don't feel like I have anything to do with them, I still notice that there's something different.
They want things in life and I want things in life. I just don't see it that they bother to go through all the stuff that I go through. And the more I think about it, the more I notice that it's likely that I will... not always be angry enough to just fight myself through it all.

There's another thing that scares me. It's the fear of saying words that I feel like saying. More strangely, I feel afraid of saying them even if they don't mean anything to me right now. I'm afraid that I already have to deal with a lot of problems if I just say it. It's weird.

Was I stupid? One question could be no, because I was never asked to decide. So I didn't make myself guilty of getting involved in something I would sooner or later not want to do.
But then again... was I stupid not to see the steam machine problem? Did I think I would not feel weak and deeply sad one day? Just feeling the worst feelings. Even worse than anger?

Sometimes what's going on with me reminds me of AIDS or cancer. I get all the psychich phases that people who know they will die face. First I deny things, then there are phases in which I ignore things, then I get angry, then sad... and I think the last step is acceptance. But I don't know what I will accept in the end, that's the problem. With all I can do, I both win and lose. Each decision makes me win and lose different things, but it's never a perfect decision. I suppose I have to stand right before God to know which decision was right. But you know... I'm not worrying so much because since my childhood I feel like I will be punished. I was always the evil brother, always the sinner in the family. Anything I say or do will be used against me.

I'm not even sure what to wish for any more. I could wish for something to happen so I can stay true to my virtues and feel good about myself for following my principles. I would have a clean record in some way. On the other hand, I don't like giving up things I started. I can be very conservative and I like to stick to important decisions. So I don't know...

Hm... I wonder who of the people who read this understood anything. Maybe I will win the "most encrypted blog" award ahead of Ira. Wow... a small part of my easygoing personality is shining through.

Not normal

I can't wait for the holidays to begin. The best thing now would be to just do whatever I like to do all around the clock. The day would pass and I wouldn't have to think. I would just forget about everything.

I have come off the track because of worrying. And I don't do the things I used to do. Music isn't the remedy any more although I've sat down a couple of times lately just to play some notes. But I'm not that musician any more, and I don't know if I should. Not sure if anyone should hear my thoughts in a song now.

I ordered the latest Sophie Zelmani album today together with the first season of the healingly cynical Dr. House. Those two will be part of my activities in the next holidays. If I lose some more weight I could already start a sports program, but not sure if it would work. The motivation isn't so high at the moment, and the mood isn't either.

I don't need to be a pessimist to know that my stressful lifestyle, my stressful attitude will cost me many years. I already have that feeling in my chest that could some day make me call the emergency when I'm older. My heart is the organ that would need replacement the most. Second would be the blood pressure, I think my blood has been pushed through the veins very violently lately. I can get so upset that my eyes even hurt from having that tense look unconsciously. I just stare somewhere with that look and imagine all the bad things that can happen, all the grudges, all the imaginations, all the conversations I need to have with people saying that I don't want to talk about "this".

My mum watched tv today while I was still eating. There was a wintersports event at the Holmenkollen, a place I've been to in Oslo. For a second she turned on the video text and the upper line said "islamists warn Germany". I was scared for a while coz I don't want to imagine what that means... but now I think "just come here and bomb the whole place. I'm ready. Express yourself. Show us who you are. You have the right to express your religion freely". I'm curious what will happen. Will they destroy the Frankfurt stock exchange? Or maybe rather some cultural sites to hurt our sense of identity. Perhaps they will also kill a lot of Jews here. And perhaps there will be so many of them that even in smaller cities people will blow themselves up for only 10 other people on a bus. Then I would be part of the target group. I'm tired of caring about those idiots. I have too many problems of my own. Anyway, isn't it strange that I see this video text for only half a second and all I see is this? Why is it so present?

One thing is clear, if I see some guy of that sort on my bus how he just opens his trench coat with all the wires and lights on his body, screaming words about how great Allah is and so on, I would really like to get up and finish this guy before he clicks the right button. That guy would be the perfect person to let my anger out. I can't deny I would like to get pissed off by someone, it can be anyone, even a simple thief would be enough. I think too much peacefulness can be unhealthy for a stressed out person. I like to be peaceful and I've not been a violent person most of my life, but there are times when I wish I could be given a chance to let it all out. At least it gives you a good impression on a bad topic... I can even see the good side about terrorists, thieves and other people that cross my way with bad intentions.

Back to reality. I hereby announce that I'm temporarily insane. Not a surprise, I guess, after reading this. I just hope it passes. I wish I could go back to normal and live a normal life again. But maybe I'm too deep in trouble now. I am unbalanced. But at least I made a post in the month of march, so that was the good side of it again.

The cat that knocks at the window

As always, my life is dominated by thinking about it. I notice how everything inside my head changes so quickly. Rearrangements take place all the time. Things that were threatening become easy to take, things that I expected to be okay are nightmarish. Fears or bad expectations turn out to be good things, and whatever you expect, something different happens all the time. The only rule that seems to be there in my life is that I can't be happy for very long until some bad news has to spoil it all again. This is me thinking pessimistic.

Well, at least I survived up to now, and up to now I haven't lost anything that I care about. It makes me lucky although I feel cursed too, sometimes.

The novel is still nice to read, although I don't recommend it to you if you don't like vulgar language. After all it deals a lot with mundane pleasures. But there is still the idea of the dice. When I wrote about it the last time, I didn't intend to say that I would really put my life into its hands. It's just the good idea that comes along with it. The relief from stopping to plan everything. The relief of not thinking so much any more. You just follow the flow. And there's no decision that's really so important any more. Maybe this is what life would be like if humans had never been confronted with any kind of religion. Pure coincidence, living life for its own sake. Imagine all the people...

Another pleasent thing to mention is that I'm losing weight pretty well at the moment. I had been stagnating for a while although I don't eat sweets any more, but after some weeks of not losing weight despite good self control, the effects finally show. I can expect to reach my target weight within the next two weeks maybe. If that's the case, it will finally reach the mark of a 30 kilos loss between 2003 and now. Back then, I had once stepped on the weighing machine and noticed I have to do something. So I decided to lose 30 kilos... but I only reached 20 kilos less. Now I'm coming close to my ideal weight.

My cat must have gained muscles. She is knocking on the window like a madman/cat. It's her sign that she wants to be let into the house. I will, but now I'm writing this. It's annoying how she keeps on beating and beating against the window. Sometimes it's so loud that you think a person is knocking against it in anger. She must be thinking "this stupid idiot, can't he hear me with his headphones on?!". And when I let her in she really is annoyed and meows at me and I meow back, and so it goes on for a while.

Enough for today. Have a nice weekend, you people out there.

The dice decide my fate

First I wanted to write about male/female psychology again. But I can't come up with a complete post here, so I will just write some things I noticed.

One of my classmates, a girl, came to me and told me about one of her colleagues from work, someone she has fallen in love with. He had said some things to her that had given her hope that they would be together. As it turned out, this guy still had some kind of emotional relationship with his girlfriend, so it became difficult. My friend was of course angry because he had already given her the impression that he really wants to get into a new relationship.

This, dear readers, is typically male psychology. It's in the nature of a guy that he wants to keep every option open as soon as he thinks he will definitely break up with his girlfriend. So he raises hopes in the so called backups he keeps, and tries to check out whether he has a chance or not. Then, when he knows his chances, he starts to do what is most useful in his opinion. It can also include that he swears loyalty to his current girlfriend in that moment, just to make sure he won't lose her in case he makes a step back. Most important for him is that he has every chance open and won't break up with his girlfriend only to find out the other girl has been taken in the meantime.
In some cases a relationship only lasts for the reason that the unsatisfied boyfriend doesn't find a backup girl. So he prefers to stay in a relationship rather than being all alone. Must be something biological, if you ask me. The elemental fear of not being able to be with someone, to lose all possible objects of desire to rivals.

Now to something completely different. My own life is full of stress again lately. But I don't even know what to write. I get the best grades in many years, but still school stresses me. And my private life is not so easy either. And it's just because I'm unlucky enough to be cursed with a philosophical mind that likes to think rather a little too much than too less.

In all this mess, I'm reading a book at the time, called The Dice Man. I got interested in it when I found out that the song Such a shame by Talk Talk was inspired by it. So I read a couple of reviews about the book. The story is interesting, and although it's only a fictional novel, it deals with philosophical ideas of life. The protagonist is a worn-out psychologist who finds his life, including his job and his family, very boring. He doesn't find peace with Zen or the writing of his new book, so he doesn't know how to change the course of his life. One day, after playing games with friends, he sees the dice and decides to throw one of them, telling himself that he would rape his desired neighbour (and wife of his friend and colleague) if it's a one. And that's what happens. He hesitates but then obeys the die, and so it happens that his life is dictated by the dice. It becomes his philosophy of life. No more worrying, no more considering or planning, no more questions of what's right or wrong, no more responsibility to anyone. He can be a taxi driver, a dropout who goes to africa, a scientist, anything, it's all up to the dice.

This book is written over hundreds of pages and I think there's even a trilogy of the dice books. But this is the first title and since I'm rather into stuff that makes me think and not so much into stories, I'll stick to this one first and think about its ideas. I like it so far because in some way it tells you to let go of the things that only make your life worse. Sure, there are things you shouldn't do, but maybe you have to experience freedom before you know what life means to you. And when you look at yourself, you wonder why coincidence has made life so strange to you, why other people are different, and then you think what would happen if you didn't think any more but just let something else decide for you.

Although I will probably not engage in dice-tossing, I'll think about the philosophy of breaking the circle in a radical way - who knows what happens when you think different. You should think about it too.

24

Another reason to write a blog entry: My birthday.

I learned countless things when I was 23. From my colleagues at work, I learned a lot about the human nature, especially from one guy who retired from work in May, he was 60 years old. One of the people I'm glad I met.

Some times left me speechless in good and bad ways, but that's what makes life special. It was not boring being 23, and it was a big challenge all the way. I can just say the same things all over again that I said about 2006, coz there isn't a big difference between the change of the year and my birthday almost 2 weeks later. I did some things for the first time, got much wiser, it was a year full of experience. It felt good to be 23, it's still an age where you feel young but also grown up. Now I'm 24, that feels like I'm only supposed to act responsibly. Haha...

It's true anyway... I'm very different. How I changed in just 2 years is amazing. At the beginning of 2005, I hadn't even graduated from school. I hadn't been in a foreign country alone. I didn't know what it means to be in a relationship. Now I've had all of this, been to two different countries without any relatives, spent time in crazy environments. To know that I could do it feels really nice, and it's something everyone has to do to find out how it feels.

Being 24 and being in 2007 seems to be much more demanding. I can already sense it. My new school is tougher than the other school, and also not easier than my work I had. I just know I have to stay on the right track now. There is a huge responsibility but I can achieve some things. It will be up to me how I deal with school. I can make it a success and that's my goal. One goal. The other goals... I don't know yet. But I hope to achieve more things and get somewhere further than where I stand now. It has to go on.

I hope that I will get a lot of support from the people around me. Hopefully they will also understand me and not only tell me what they think is the best for me.

I should concentrate on some tasks again that I neglected a little in 2006. There has to be more time for music again, I believe. More time for sports, for losing a little weight, more time for working on self confidence. It will be a year of learning, of making improvements. No matter whether I learn things the good or the hurtful way, I'll be wiser in one year. I don't dare to be optimistic or pessimistic. I'll only be careful. Life is too unpredictable. I'll just see that I learn enough to keep up with the speed of life.

2006: Life at the crossroads

Another year has come to an end.

To sum up what happened to me in 2006 is a little difficult and it's not easy to say if it was good, bad, or so-so.
There were some months that were some of the worst, maybe not the very worst like the ones in 1999, but they were close to it. Interestingly, those were mainly february and december for me, two months that are very far away from each other on the calendar (if you look at 2006 only). In both of them the reason why life was so hard were relationship problems. But they were everything but ordinary, which makes it problematic to analyze. What I just learned, I guess, is that there are not only religious problems, they can also be connected with cultural differences and lots of misunderstandings when it comes to the mentality of people. It's never the fault of one person, it is just a fact that we need to consider carefully and try to find our way around it if we can.

Even though there were very bad things in 2006 that were worse than bad events in other, more average years, there were still experiences that made 2006 a special year, and even though I'm a little hesitant saying that 2006 was the best year ever, I can at least say that it had the best summer I ever had. The climax of this were the months july and august. They will go into my personal history book as the most amazing event ever. I must thank the person who is responsible for this (and God) that it happened. In a world of uncertainties, the only thing I can really do is be thankful for that. At least that I can say, that it was the best thing that happened to me and that I'm glad I had the chance to feel this. I've been wanting to have this all my life, and every time, on the last day of a year, I said to myself: "Not this year but maybe next year". That chain is stopped, and even though I'm not sure when or if it will ever be so good again, I appreciate that I was given this chance and I hope it showed that it made me happy. And hope that it made someone else happy too.

Now I am at the crossroads. There are different ways to go, there are new learning experiences to apply for next year, there are new plans to make while some plans might or might not be fulfilled. What I need to do is to act wisely and see what I've learned. My lesson this year was that life takes you to the limits when it really starts. And I must acknowledge that some things would not have happened if I had given up at the beginning of the year. I could have said that it's impossible... I didn't and I suppose it was right. This world changes so much and I think it would be wrong to hurry and look for safe solutions just because something looks risky for a moment. And 2006 was full of misunderstandings based on that specific kind of fear or panic.

I am a stubborn little kid. My age hides my weaknesses, but it can't stop them from making life hard. I will need to sacrifice those luxorious character traits because you only get something good when you do your best and throw everything over board that makes you think "It would be easier if... it would be safer if...". I will have to grow up too. I will even have to give up things that I liked about me so far, for example my sense of justice. This world is unfair and if I demand the whole world to change just because I don't want it to be so unfair, I won't get the things I want in life. I cannot change everything, all I need to ask for is that the people I care for understand that it's not fair, that they don't let themselves be terrorized by this, that they at least show me that they are angry too... and then we can see if we can escape from this. Do you know what I mean?

I have this superstition that the odd-numbered years are the ones that are most memorable for either the pain or the pleasure they bring. 2006 was not odd-numbered but it was one of those years. Now I wonder what 2007 will be like. When I look at what's just been happening, I feel a little scared. Perhaps it will be a year of hard work, without success being visible so soon. All I can do is fight now. Maybe it will be a year that's less dramatic, or even not special at all. We will see. I just need to calm down from 2006 because it changed life in a way that it will never be the same for me.

So what's my final judgement? It's hard to say really. To make the best of it I shall always the cherish the good times I had and learn from the bad times, and not make myself believe that I won't be angry again or anything stupid like that. Of course I will be angry too and it will be difficult, but at least I have the advantage that I can take my time for many things. I want to let the year end peacefully here. Goodbye 2006, you will not be forgotten.

Heart or mind decisions

I watched Casino Royale today and it's strange that the love-related scenes are the ones that stick to my memory the most. It feels different from before when I watch movies now. It's been like this for a while but it's also been long since my last visit to a cinema.
What a strange feeling how it touched me, and how I could identify with James. Ha-ha. On the other hand, there was a scene where a woman betrayed her husband with him, and scenes like that make me angry nowadays. Also a very weird change to my life, the way I judge all kinds of love scenes. And it also makes me realize how I feel, coz I tend to use my head a lot and not listen to my feelings very much. I can't allow myself to feel and be vulnerable because there are so many threats and dangers and I already know how it feels to be deeply hurt.

My inner decisions seem to go back and forth most of the time. At one moment, I can be very determined and get the impression that I know how I want things to be, and know how to react to each possible twist that my life can take. As if I can control it and always take logical consequences, in a cold but unhurting way (for me). It's how I know I can keep most of the pain away from myself. And then, there are times when I realize how lost I am in the way my heart feels. Then it tells me to stop worrying and go with everything that happens, and if it ever goes terribly wrong then I could at least say that I stayed strong and didn't end it on my own. The question is just how I want my life to be. I've always been trying to avoid it that I look back and say: "I was too naive". Or that I must admit that I did not think enough about the future, or that I did not realize enough, or that I did not tell others what the consequences will be. Sometimes I think if I don't shut up I make it worse, but then I also notice that, if I don't help to lead people on the right course, they will not notice what's going to happen or might happen. My intentions can still be as good as they want to be, but it doesn't help coz the only control I can have is over my own life.

I don't know how I will react to what is to come, I'm too confused right now. I don't know what will happen, neither do I know how I will act and react. It's also bad that I get this feeling (I've had it for a long time) that I won't get justice and fairness if I'm not strict in some way. People easily take advantage of me and they don't even need to know how, or maybe they think they don't but still do. It's not easy to explain, but maybe you can take the example of electric current. It always goes the way of the least resistance. So if you are in a network of humans, and I'm the one who is nicest to you, treats you the best way and offers you most of the freedom, maybe you will let me suffer from compromises you make with other people or even give in to other people to my disadvantage, just because i'm nice and not so strict and it's the easiest way for you (the least resistance). Difficult to explain. I think I also had this problem at work last school year. I tried to make things so damn right and that's how other people who are careless could make me suffer, coz I played the fool.

I'm done with thinking too much. It's just bad that there's always a next best thing to worry about. I hope things will be clear soon enough. By the way, thanks Aaron for the nice card.

Heaven and Hell (not about religion this time)

The cold that I had seems to have purged and purified me from the madness that had been in me. Suddenly everything is looking better than before. I wrote this damn spanish test and it was not so bad (and not so good either), I got that damn exam behind me, and I had two days off due to the cold.

And then came the change. I felt some good vibrations coming to me, and I could relax while I stayed at home. Then, when I came back to school today, I got a very good grade back for a group presentation. The presentations had been made in four groups consisting of four or five people each. Each of the groups had to appoint a leader, and back then, last friday, they had chosen me because I had just held another presentation right before that. And now, a week later, my group got the best grade out of the four groups, and the teacher, who hardly remembers a name at all, mentioned me and praised me. So you could say I was mentioned as the king of the best group. The king of the class. Haha. The best student of that particular lesson. What a feeling... I took it with humble pride of course...if that kind of state exists anyway.

Really strange for me because it's unexpected. I'm aware of the fact that I'm sometimes to harsh and strict with myself and that I take critisism personally and too seriously. But to go from one extreme to another like this is really unusual. Not that I would complain, but I wonder what this is all about, to feel like the worst at times and then become the best another day. On the way home I already thought "Okay, I'm allowed to feel good now, but what if I fail dramatically the next time?". Coz you see, now I have a reputation as a good presenter, though I hate presenting and I don't call it my strength. And I know I'm not spontaneous enough to always pull off a good presentation... I was lucky too. So I don't know...on the one hand I want to allow myself the feeling of pride, on the other hand I'm a little worried of being stigmatized as a "good presenter" or something like that. Perhaps heavenly success and a hell of a disappointment will come and go.

For now I feel good and I'm writing this to let you know there are good days too. Maybe the next post will be about terrible news again, it wouldn't surprise me... or well, maybe it will just be about the commercialisation of christmas.

Still not over it

I have a cold, and it's the first cold of the new winter season. Hurray.

My physical state gives me a similar feeling to the emotional state I'm in at the moment. Feeling tired all day, feeling like too much pressure is pushing on me. Maybe it's not just the cold alone, I think I can feel this feeling of being pushed into one corner again.

On tuesday I had a presentation on Marit Larsen. I was satisfied that day coz I did well, and I also accomplished the mission of making her known here, something that is in some way a goal of many Marit fans. Not my personal goal but people would like the idea. On friday I had another presentation, it was about the human resources department. After that I had to do more presenting, so it was a busy day and I was satisfied with myself... at least for one end of the day.

The weekend brought back other worries and it seems that there is never a time with too few things to worry about. I cannot motivate myself to do more than necessary for school, the sickness helps to stop doing anything, and then there is always more. My self confidence suffers from small things already, I'm really not that satisfied with life and another feeling is that everyhing is slipping away so quickly.

There are times when I wish I had a button to stop time. Every person would stand still and nothing would move or change. Then I could lose weight, write songs, do anything that needs catching up and I'd return to society as one who has left behind his personal problems. Only for a while so at least I fixed my own life before I can help other people or do things that are for more than surviving.

When I write here it's only for complaining, isn't it? Well, there are days when everything is nice, but strangely it's only single days, one day at a time, and never more. When I think of more, it gets too much. I can't afford to deal with so many things.

I know myself well. I can estimate how bad things are with me. I know that my problems are not that big, but if I get too much pressure then I can't deal with it. It has to stop... I need to sort everything out first. I can't do everything at the same time. And if it's too much then I can't do anything at all. My only aim now is to reach the winter holidays without any damage to my life, career, relationship or anything like that. No damage, just keeping things the way they are. No improvements or big innovations, just keeping it the way they are and reaching the point where I can rest from everything. It really isn't bad if people stop pushing.

My self confidence is still low, and that shows that a success over something that broke the self confidence doesn't automatically rewind and undo things. On the other hand I know that it's not that bad just if, if, if I get the time I need to fix everything. There can't be that many exams at the same time, not that many presentations. There are not that many subjects and not that many weeks until the next holidays, not that many months until it's over. It's not that long until I have time for you, any of you, all of you, one of you at a time.

I only need the security that it's okay if I deal with myself from time to time and not need to take care of everything.

Smashed to pieces

There are some things I need to let out, and I don't know how I can express it all. But I will demonstrate how I feel with this conversation I had with myself:

-"Guess what I dreamed!"
-"What?"
-"I had a nightmare that my presentation was so bad that I was told to make another presentation in two weeks exactly".
-"Wow, that's really a weird nightmare".
-"You know what's the worst part of it?"
-"What is it?"
-"It's not a dream".

The strange thing is how things went wrong. It was not that my presentation was too short, or that it didn't answer the topic. It did well and my teacher said I had lots of information in it, explained things well, kept the audience alive. But still, no matter how you turn it around, I was critizised too (my teacher: "take it in a postive way"). My presentation took almost 30 minutes, compared to the 10 minutes that it was supposed to take. I wrote things on the board (as I was supposed to, something the teacher had said before would be going to be important), but I turned my back on the audience for too long and didn't talk to them directly enough. The comments I made were liked by some people and disliked by others. I notice that I didn't convince anyone of my skills.

So much for the facts. Now comes the emotional level. How can I not feel deeply depressed now? The presentation had already caused a crisis in me before I held it. I was busy with work, I was nervous, I was frustrated about not being able to do other pieces of homework, I got the feeling that everything was going to be too much for me. I lost much of my self confidence. And now the only thing I get from presenting today is another terrible disappointment for me. Indeed, I don't have to make the same presentation again, no. And the presentation I have to make won't be as deep as the one before. But the fact that I have to present another presentation makes me feel rejected. As if I failed. Failed, failed, failed.

I did not expect this presentation to be the best thing in the world. But I was aiming high. The person who had presented before me (one week ago) had not been that good either, and I was sure that I could do better. Instead I got the ultimate punishment. I'm not mad at the teacher, I'm only disappointed at myself for losing another fight for my self confidence. My fear was that I would not have enough to mention during the presentation, instead the minutes passed and passed and before I noticed it, it was already past 25 minutes of presenting.

How do I go on from here? I feel humiliated. It's not only my personal disappointment, also that this is what I've been told to do. Another presentation. I need to stand in front of them again in two weeks, while still having homework to do in other subjects. I will -again- become nervous and feel threatened when the day of presenting comes closer. To be honest, I wish I could run away...not take part...or just die. Die because there's no other way virtually. This is not a job that I can quit and go somewhere else. No...this is a job training. If I don't succeed, I can look for another job trainig. That would take years again. And I don't want that. No!

I thought to myself "The worst thing that can happen is that I get slightly critizised". I thought, maybe it will not be the perfect presentation but at least I have it behind me then. And what happens? Something totally unexpected. To me, the one who always expects the worst. I don't have it behind me, I won't get a rest from it. And you know what? When the next presentation is over, other teachers will already come up and ask for presentations in their subjects too.

I hoped today would put an end to my depression, because that's how I felt in the last days. When there was something to smile about, I regretted that because I felt like I'm not allowed to smile. I only wanted to put this presentation to the past, concentrate on the stupid homework and breathe a little. But now I can't and I'm in serious trouble. And where is the success? Where is the success experience I needed to build up my self confidence again? I feel like a loser now, even worse than before. I won't get my self confidence back so quickly. And before you think anything useless, don't think the next presentation would give me self confidence. It won't. Even if it's the best presentation in the world, I will carry the shadow behind me of the disappointment from today. I don't want to step in front of these people again like saying "look at me, I already presented but I was too bad so here I am again".

Looks like my year is going to end in tears. I wish I could cry but I obviously didn't feel enough humiliation and disappointment yet. I can already sense the fear of new tragedies. I don't know what happens next but I don't feel good at all. On the one hand I look for help, for understanding, for being taken care of. On the other hand I feel like I need to hide from everyone and that I don't want to talk to anyone coz I would only become aggressive and say the wrong things. I'm so trapped now...I can only wait until the weekend is finally there (as if it would make me feel safe...no way).

When I came to this school, I was filled with so much hope and strength. I was surprised how easy it was for me to say something in class, to take part in the lessons, to do well. And now that's all smashed and shattered again. I see myself pulling back from discussions, I see myself being tired and exhausted, just sitting there in such an absent way. And I'm afraid because so much depends on this one year of school (I already give up going to school for longer than that).

That's how it feels now...and I don't know if you can understand. Imagine you only have one chance but things are always getting worse and you don't have the energy any more to push yourself. If you know my story of life then you know why I give up more easily.