Not normal

I can't wait for the holidays to begin. The best thing now would be to just do whatever I like to do all around the clock. The day would pass and I wouldn't have to think. I would just forget about everything.

I have come off the track because of worrying. And I don't do the things I used to do. Music isn't the remedy any more although I've sat down a couple of times lately just to play some notes. But I'm not that musician any more, and I don't know if I should. Not sure if anyone should hear my thoughts in a song now.

I ordered the latest Sophie Zelmani album today together with the first season of the healingly cynical Dr. House. Those two will be part of my activities in the next holidays. If I lose some more weight I could already start a sports program, but not sure if it would work. The motivation isn't so high at the moment, and the mood isn't either.

I don't need to be a pessimist to know that my stressful lifestyle, my stressful attitude will cost me many years. I already have that feeling in my chest that could some day make me call the emergency when I'm older. My heart is the organ that would need replacement the most. Second would be the blood pressure, I think my blood has been pushed through the veins very violently lately. I can get so upset that my eyes even hurt from having that tense look unconsciously. I just stare somewhere with that look and imagine all the bad things that can happen, all the grudges, all the imaginations, all the conversations I need to have with people saying that I don't want to talk about "this".

My mum watched tv today while I was still eating. There was a wintersports event at the Holmenkollen, a place I've been to in Oslo. For a second she turned on the video text and the upper line said "islamists warn Germany". I was scared for a while coz I don't want to imagine what that means... but now I think "just come here and bomb the whole place. I'm ready. Express yourself. Show us who you are. You have the right to express your religion freely". I'm curious what will happen. Will they destroy the Frankfurt stock exchange? Or maybe rather some cultural sites to hurt our sense of identity. Perhaps they will also kill a lot of Jews here. And perhaps there will be so many of them that even in smaller cities people will blow themselves up for only 10 other people on a bus. Then I would be part of the target group. I'm tired of caring about those idiots. I have too many problems of my own. Anyway, isn't it strange that I see this video text for only half a second and all I see is this? Why is it so present?

One thing is clear, if I see some guy of that sort on my bus how he just opens his trench coat with all the wires and lights on his body, screaming words about how great Allah is and so on, I would really like to get up and finish this guy before he clicks the right button. That guy would be the perfect person to let my anger out. I can't deny I would like to get pissed off by someone, it can be anyone, even a simple thief would be enough. I think too much peacefulness can be unhealthy for a stressed out person. I like to be peaceful and I've not been a violent person most of my life, but there are times when I wish I could be given a chance to let it all out. At least it gives you a good impression on a bad topic... I can even see the good side about terrorists, thieves and other people that cross my way with bad intentions.

Back to reality. I hereby announce that I'm temporarily insane. Not a surprise, I guess, after reading this. I just hope it passes. I wish I could go back to normal and live a normal life again. But maybe I'm too deep in trouble now. I am unbalanced. But at least I made a post in the month of march, so that was the good side of it again.