Zeit zum Denken

Watching Dr. House for so many hours in the last days was helpful. I had some side effects like a feeling of exhaustion, but it's normal when you don't do much besides watching tv and only getting up for cooking, or getting up for going to bed again. This week I stayed home on one day and left school early another day. So it was almost half a week that I spend in school only. But one thing leads to another and perhaps it saved me some time at the end of my life when all the stress will pay off in a bad way. It was enough stress anyway and maybe that tires me the most.

Yesterday and today I sensed some feeling of sadness, and this morning when getting ready for school I felt like crying for a short time, then lost that feeling in school when everything was alright for a while. It's when the different side of me shows, the side that doesn't have to think much, the side that just enjoys simple conversations, making fun with and of people, just enjoying life. If you know me in person then you know this side.

Coming back to Dr. House, what I appreciate about this tv series is not only the stuff that everyone mentioned he/she likes about it. The show also makes people think, one of the most promising features of a good tv show. There are many controversial decisions, people deal with right and wrong, going with rules or going against them for the sake of what's called "right". They have virtues but also give up virtues if conditions change. Dr. House deals with many personal stories, of which religion touched me the most. The way the topic was picked up was not the way I get confronted with it usually... it's not in the most hurtful way, it is the way that leaves some things open to you and shows that you are not alone with your weakness, your shame and your failure. And it underlines the ridiculousness of people trying to prove that they own the truth. I guess.

It's strange that something so artificial like a tv series, produced for the masses, is a source of information and inspiration, a source that makes me think which I don't blame for anything. It's amazing that it reminds me of things I don't like to think about, but how it reminds me is in a way that I don't feel angry about it. And this is it? The only something that is able to reach me in a good way is a tv series. Not any real life thing or person could make me think in this specific kind of way that it made me think. I guess it's what many well known writers of the past said, that it's the purpose of theater, cinema and books to change people by putting a mirror in front of them.

So why was I so depressed anyway? I feel like I've been or still am pregnant with a thought. Or to be precise, an... idea... or maybe rather a fact. Not sure how to explain. I notice something that is true in some way and I've pushed it away for so long.

My thinking worries me, it even scares me. Within only a couple of days I noticed that I overlooked something important about my feelings. And again that is something I admire about House. How he doesn't save his patients from looking at the hurtful reality. He wakes people up, and that makes me think about things too.

I'm not done with thinking yet. There are some thoughts that I brought to life already, but the chain of realization isn't finished. Let me see what I can think of right now: I realized that I cannot take as much as I thought. I realized that if I overdo it, I lost more than I would lose if I just said that I can't, can't take it. I notice that it's dangerous for me if I play the strong guy who can take so much... then I suddenly don't know what's left in me. And the latest thought is what has made me feel scared... but how do I put it into words?

Perhaps I can try to wrap it in metaphors, examples, comparisons...

Imagine you want something very much, but you know that to get it, it takes things that you clearly don't want. You are not given time to think about it, you are unable to decide because you're already in it. Remember: You want it, you don't think about it.
So what happens? You have the power of a steam engine and work your way through it, you fight against the pain while you run nakedly through bushes of thorns.
This works for a while...
Hm... the problem is, if you really run through bushes of thorns all the time, just because you want something and you accept walking through all the shit, at some point it really gets too much and you break down if there's no end to it, at least not near where you are.
So... it's just that this came to my attention. I don't go through life like an angry steam engine all the time. There are times when I see other people and their lives. I don't switch off thinking about what other people do. And even if it doesn't matter to me who they are, and I don't feel like I have anything to do with them, I still notice that there's something different.
They want things in life and I want things in life. I just don't see it that they bother to go through all the stuff that I go through. And the more I think about it, the more I notice that it's likely that I will... not always be angry enough to just fight myself through it all.

There's another thing that scares me. It's the fear of saying words that I feel like saying. More strangely, I feel afraid of saying them even if they don't mean anything to me right now. I'm afraid that I already have to deal with a lot of problems if I just say it. It's weird.

Was I stupid? One question could be no, because I was never asked to decide. So I didn't make myself guilty of getting involved in something I would sooner or later not want to do.
But then again... was I stupid not to see the steam machine problem? Did I think I would not feel weak and deeply sad one day? Just feeling the worst feelings. Even worse than anger?

Sometimes what's going on with me reminds me of AIDS or cancer. I get all the psychich phases that people who know they will die face. First I deny things, then there are phases in which I ignore things, then I get angry, then sad... and I think the last step is acceptance. But I don't know what I will accept in the end, that's the problem. With all I can do, I both win and lose. Each decision makes me win and lose different things, but it's never a perfect decision. I suppose I have to stand right before God to know which decision was right. But you know... I'm not worrying so much because since my childhood I feel like I will be punished. I was always the evil brother, always the sinner in the family. Anything I say or do will be used against me.

I'm not even sure what to wish for any more. I could wish for something to happen so I can stay true to my virtues and feel good about myself for following my principles. I would have a clean record in some way. On the other hand, I don't like giving up things I started. I can be very conservative and I like to stick to important decisions. So I don't know...

Hm... I wonder who of the people who read this understood anything. Maybe I will win the "most encrypted blog" award ahead of Ira. Wow... a small part of my easygoing personality is shining through.