Still not over it

I have a cold, and it's the first cold of the new winter season. Hurray.

My physical state gives me a similar feeling to the emotional state I'm in at the moment. Feeling tired all day, feeling like too much pressure is pushing on me. Maybe it's not just the cold alone, I think I can feel this feeling of being pushed into one corner again.

On tuesday I had a presentation on Marit Larsen. I was satisfied that day coz I did well, and I also accomplished the mission of making her known here, something that is in some way a goal of many Marit fans. Not my personal goal but people would like the idea. On friday I had another presentation, it was about the human resources department. After that I had to do more presenting, so it was a busy day and I was satisfied with myself... at least for one end of the day.

The weekend brought back other worries and it seems that there is never a time with too few things to worry about. I cannot motivate myself to do more than necessary for school, the sickness helps to stop doing anything, and then there is always more. My self confidence suffers from small things already, I'm really not that satisfied with life and another feeling is that everyhing is slipping away so quickly.

There are times when I wish I had a button to stop time. Every person would stand still and nothing would move or change. Then I could lose weight, write songs, do anything that needs catching up and I'd return to society as one who has left behind his personal problems. Only for a while so at least I fixed my own life before I can help other people or do things that are for more than surviving.

When I write here it's only for complaining, isn't it? Well, there are days when everything is nice, but strangely it's only single days, one day at a time, and never more. When I think of more, it gets too much. I can't afford to deal with so many things.

I know myself well. I can estimate how bad things are with me. I know that my problems are not that big, but if I get too much pressure then I can't deal with it. It has to stop... I need to sort everything out first. I can't do everything at the same time. And if it's too much then I can't do anything at all. My only aim now is to reach the winter holidays without any damage to my life, career, relationship or anything like that. No damage, just keeping things the way they are. No improvements or big innovations, just keeping it the way they are and reaching the point where I can rest from everything. It really isn't bad if people stop pushing.

My self confidence is still low, and that shows that a success over something that broke the self confidence doesn't automatically rewind and undo things. On the other hand I know that it's not that bad just if, if, if I get the time I need to fix everything. There can't be that many exams at the same time, not that many presentations. There are not that many subjects and not that many weeks until the next holidays, not that many months until it's over. It's not that long until I have time for you, any of you, all of you, one of you at a time.

I only need the security that it's okay if I deal with myself from time to time and not need to take care of everything.