I watched Casino Royale today and it's strange that the love-related scenes are the ones that stick to my memory the most. It feels different from before when I watch movies now. It's been like this for a while but it's also been long since my last visit to a cinema.
What a strange feeling how it touched me, and how I could identify with James. Ha-ha. On the other hand, there was a scene where a woman betrayed her husband with him, and scenes like that make me angry nowadays. Also a very weird change to my life, the way I judge all kinds of love scenes. And it also makes me realize how I feel, coz I tend to use my head a lot and not listen to my feelings very much. I can't allow myself to feel and be vulnerable because there are so many threats and dangers and I already know how it feels to be deeply hurt.
My inner decisions seem to go back and forth most of the time. At one moment, I can be very determined and get the impression that I know how I want things to be, and know how to react to each possible twist that my life can take. As if I can control it and always take logical consequences, in a cold but unhurting way (for me). It's how I know I can keep most of the pain away from myself. And then, there are times when I realize how lost I am in the way my heart feels. Then it tells me to stop worrying and go with everything that happens, and if it ever goes terribly wrong then I could at least say that I stayed strong and didn't end it on my own. The question is just how I want my life to be. I've always been trying to avoid it that I look back and say: "I was too naive". Or that I must admit that I did not think enough about the future, or that I did not realize enough, or that I did not tell others what the consequences will be. Sometimes I think if I don't shut up I make it worse, but then I also notice that, if I don't help to lead people on the right course, they will not notice what's going to happen or might happen. My intentions can still be as good as they want to be, but it doesn't help coz the only control I can have is over my own life.
I don't know how I will react to what is to come, I'm too confused right now. I don't know what will happen, neither do I know how I will act and react. It's also bad that I get this feeling (I've had it for a long time) that I won't get justice and fairness if I'm not strict in some way. People easily take advantage of me and they don't even need to know how, or maybe they think they don't but still do. It's not easy to explain, but maybe you can take the example of electric current. It always goes the way of the least resistance. So if you are in a network of humans, and I'm the one who is nicest to you, treats you the best way and offers you most of the freedom, maybe you will let me suffer from compromises you make with other people or even give in to other people to my disadvantage, just because i'm nice and not so strict and it's the easiest way for you (the least resistance). Difficult to explain. I think I also had this problem at work last school year. I tried to make things so damn right and that's how other people who are careless could make me suffer, coz I played the fool.
I'm done with thinking too much. It's just bad that there's always a next best thing to worry about. I hope things will be clear soon enough. By the way, thanks Aaron for the nice card.
1 comment:
You're welcome, Mike. I sent out about five cards, and you're the first to receive. Congratulations.
I'm still trying to make sense of your entry, but I think what you're generally trying to say is that you're afraid of being hurt by people, people you may trust or want to trust. You're always concerned about the future and how it may twist and turn and screw you up. You're afraid of believing in it.
Mike, I'd wish you'd try to live in the present as long as you can. Take stock of your life and be thankful of what you have. Granted, maybe from your point of view there isn't much to be thankful for. But you should be more positive about the way things are now. You have a gift of analysing your problems inside out and spelling them out well. I have faith that you will be able to sort them out.
And there's nothing wrong in taking a risk in believing in something or someone. You can't be afraid all of the time. You need to take your chances, or you'll miss out on a lot of things. Good luck, Michael.
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