I cannot keep up with my quietness. There has to be another post again because I don't know how to handle my emotions. Where do I turn to with this? It's better to find a quiet place to cry. Maybe my bed at night.
Today started well, it's the first of three exam days for me, and today was also the toughest because there were three exams. They went better than expected and I would say really well. Well, that was the better half of the day.
The other half is that something came up from the back of my head again. I don't even know what it is, maybe I'm just wondering why I feel this mix of anger, fear, guilt and depression.
Anger because I can't have things as simple as I would like to.
Fear because I know what it's like to lose something that you've loved and that you loved all your life.
Guilt because I realize that I'm breaking down, that I'm the one who doesn't know what to do any more. And because I might have to rely on someone else while not being able to be of any help. If I even get to deserve that kind of help.
Depression because I don't know how to get out of this. There are two ways of feeling better, but they exclude each other.
Today was also the third time this month that I cried. It's a relief to cry and at the same time a terrible reminder of how things look inside. The worst thing is to get to the thought that it would be better to -die- than to choose any of the options that are available. No, I don't feel like killing myself although I imagine just running away and then being killed accidentally. Not my fault, at least I wouldn't have to decide any more. Sorry if it sounds harsh... if there was any chance not to long for this then I'd take it, but I don't feel that I have it in my hands.
What is my last resort? My last resort is that I either receive promises that I cannot pay back with anything I have, or my last resort is that I only -hope- things get better and remember that it happened before that something that looked impossible got more or less possible in the last second. That is not a huge hope and I don't know if I can invest several years of my life for hoping this way.
Maybe the worst thing is that it's unfair. Not only against me. It is unfair in every sense I can see. Unfair against me, unfair against others, it's against love, against a relationship that wants to breathe, a relationship that has the same right to be kept simple just like all the other relationships out there. And no, I didn't choose a complicated relationship... because I'm too different to get along with anyone here, yet not different enough to get along with the very different ones anywhere else.
I know what God wants from me. He wants me to be patient and to be good and to wait until it all makes sense, asking me to remember that it's not deliberate suffering He is forcing upon me but a plan that doesn't work differently. Yes, I know how all this works... in the end I'm supposed to come out with something that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. But well... I wonder how far it goes. Doesn't He know that I will reach a point where I have to disappoint Him? So many tests... and so many times that I fail.
What can I even ask for now... it feels wrong to ask for anything and at the same time I cannot go on without asking for some things. How I wish someone out there would know how I feel and not push away my wishes only because they own a different truth.
I'm going crazy because I'm desperate. All my plans that I've made for the future, they are starting to shake and tremble and threatening to fall apart. I may be exaggerating, but then why do I still go back to this point? I don't want to underestimate the situation.... my sensitiveness is too dominant and I can't lose myself to get where I want to get. That wouldn't be reaching the goal... that would be suicide. I must save myself, too.
I can only call for help... *sighs*
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