Something wrong with me?

One worry comes, one worry goes (or at least there is hope). I prayed for some meaningful dreams, and without knowing I had one and later realized it. There is no reason to be overoptimistic, it's just that one door opened up today, and it is more the fact that some people were proven wrong (teachers, employment office) than the chance of making something possible. It only matters that there are options that make it possible for me to combine different things in the future. Right now it's enough to know about them, no need to decide yet.

That was the good thing. What gives hope is that the two things that came up today came in a way that's acceptable. The worry was an old worry, and when you think about it, you realize there is nothing new about it. It was there from the start and all that's different is that is has been discussed more. It is clearer now, or maybe it isn't? At least it is there now, where it belongs, so there is no way of saying it wasn't visible. The other thing is new, and it is a good thing. So what else can we ask for? Does it make it a good or a bad day?

I try to be careful. But what is that anyway... I don't feel so much wiser, somehow I feel broken and easily depressed, and most of all confused and sensitive. I'm not the kind of person who wants to rip someone's head off, I'm too sensitive for that. Not the kind of person who judges over people that way, though I judge in a different way, not with anger, more with feelings of stepping away carefully and with fears. It's never turning away, never. It's only a small child's response. I can respond with anger, but it takes different things for that. When I make an angry impression on the outside, it's only impatience or frustration. Inside what goes on is uncertainty and feelings of resignation, maybe that describes it.

We live in the present, and indeed it's May now. Not July. One day we will look back and see what actually happened. If the worries turned out to be useless like last time, I will take it easy, knowing I can't rely on luck all my life and that it's never bad to only rely on things and people you can rely on. I hope I will not find out my worries are justified. The option between those two is that it doesn't even happen that certain people show what they are capable of in a bad way. We will see. Still so much time to become so much wiser.

Right now the feeling is restlessness. I will also feel different tomorrow, but I don't know if I will feel much better, because I'm the kind of person who can't stop a question from being asked once it comes up. There's either an answer to it immediately or I comfort myself with something like "soon...soon". My comfort is that we can find out more before the drama starts.

Nevertheless, I'm sensitive because I can't stop feeling accused when situations like the one now take place. On the one hand I said what I thought should have been said, on the other hand I feel guilty because I seem to be totally incapable of understanding other people. Do I act like it's not clear though it is clear what I try to say? Did it help that I said something? Am I supposed to shut up next time? And apart from that: What do I say when someone feels bad, but all I can say is that it doesn't change the sad facts? Does it make me a typical guy if I don't know what to do with someone's feelings? How to react? I wish I could show the compassion I feel, but at the same time I feel the urge to convey that it's not a good time to be sentimental.

It's a curse when you feel like you know something, yet at the same time whenever you open your mouth it causes frustration. Maybe I should just shut up for good because I will see what I got. I will either see a good surprise or I will see that things go wrong if I don't assist. I seriously have to stop trying to manipulate the course of events. Whatever happens, it will lead to something good, I guess. We will be wiser. We will learn something.

Focus and distraction

I will post now so I don't miss the May post.

Funny how life always finds something that you can worry about, and even if it's the same topic, it appears in different colours and shades.

This is the right time to be aggressive and powerful, so depression won't swallow you. Anger is more useful than despair.

Amazing how some people do things you can only shake your head about. But then again there are useful actions to take against them. I think I will have to consider the block option too, sooner or later.

Possible plans for this weekend: Music. Reading. Watching funny clips on the internet that make you cry tears of laughter. They work against the permanent voices that try to turn you into a monster. Can't let them win.

What does God say when I tell Him that I think life is so much easier if you don't worry? Am I not supposed to worry anyway, does He allow me to take a break knowing that my life might be long enough not to hurry, what does He think anyway?

Funny and absurd how life works. At school I'm popular, people consider me to be likeable, I even come to think that my hairstyle has emphasized on my personality. Apart from that, it even happened today at English grammar classes that people react to whether I nod or shake my head after someone said something. So I'm their source of wisdom. Funny.

At school things look good and I never thought I'd say that school is a positive distraction. It's just like sleep because you let go of thoughts. If you're wondering about it, it has a scientific reason. Distraction of any kind allows the subconscious mind to process the data in your brain, and to solve problems.... like knots.

It's a good thing, this distraction. And sometimes we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We should even be modest. I would already consider myself lucky to have a good life and to be happy with the special person who doesn't have series (doesn't have to make sense in case anyone else reads this).

Hmm... long time since I wrote a song. Good therapy too. Ah... must relax now. Let a calm phase of life start so we have enough energy for the tasks ahead of us. Full concentration please. Here we go.

End of April

I should not let this month pass without writing here.

Life has been an up and down again. I guess it's the way it always goes, from birth to death. As a baby you cry because something is always wrong, to the dismay of the sleep-deprived parents, and as an old person you hope that your pension will bring you through the month and that nobody will take away your belongings due to debts.

We live in the most luxorious time ever, at least up to now. We have highly developed toilets, kitchens, tv, we can have rice in two minutes or we can order our food by telephone. Yet, this is still a cruel world even if there's no war, or people getting stoned....umm... where I live.

There are still so many problems and it feels "lonely" to think that I'm one of few people who really think about life the way I do. People around me can't stop discussing which disco to go to next weekend, I already think about what it means to leave this world one day, and what consequences it brings. I wonder how many times I need to walk under the stars until I can say that I've not lived in vain and that I've appreciated life enough to not cry tears of regret when it ends.

Life is still cruel also in everyday life. We don't need war to worry. There are wars though, invisible wars. They are created by the rules that the system created, like the invisible hands of supply and demand. A human being is only working substance, a working resource, material of which physical labour is formed. There is no space for sentimental thoughts.

Then there is also hate or resentment. People I consider close to me don't understand my efforts. They see a problem that is more important to them than me, so they think that I can just step back and mind my own business. They don't know that life is hard for everyone and that just because they have problems, they think that I don't have the right to get something. But it's hard to explain. It doesn't even matter coz hardly anyone reads this blog. I know that I must also be careful with who to give feelings like trust. Especially people who are somehow family but somehow they're not. Blood is thicker than water but that is not the appropriate sentence in that case. It won't be the same blood.

Enough of talking in riddles. Maybe the most interesting lesson came from school this week. The rule of capitalism: If everyone thinks of himself only, everyone is considered.

Message from above or just a weird dream?

I want to write down a dream that I had last night, and discuss it here a little. There were several dreams, but the most fascinating one was saved until the morning. I woke up at 9:50am, and that was when this dream ended. Now I will tell the dream first:

You hear a choir of high voices (probably a choir of young boys). They sing a song which is unknown to me and was possibly generated by my brain. "Veo, veo, veo" (spanish for "I see"). They keep singing this all the time with orchestral accompaniment in the background. Then a voice reads the following words:

"The sheepherders slew their sheep; and even the ones who read the quran, their sheep were not safe from their staffs."

The next thing you see is a quran, then a person kneeling in front of it. You see more of them. You see several people, mostly men, performing prayers in a pampa/desert like hill area. It is very dark and it seems to be their morning prayer.

And so the dream fades, with the same theatrical, pathetic, religious, almost "holy" music playing in the background. The atmosphere has caused awe in me.

If this dream had happened to someone hundreds of years ago, the person who had the dream would have thought it must be a dream from above, a religious message. Nowadays you wonder what it is, is it that or just something coming from inside of you. No matter what it is, a dream always has a function and when it's so enigmatic, it also has a message.

Let's go to dream analysis. One thing that you should not do is to think what many books suggest: That sheep means X, snake means Y and crocodile means Z. There are only very few dream figures that have a universal meaning for everyone, but animals usually have an individual meaning for each person. In this dream though, it's pretty clear. The dream is an allegory, at least to some point. The meaning of "sheep" and "sheepherders" is the same that it has in the bible and possibly in the quran. The sheepherders must be religious leaders, the sheep are the common believers. The words that are read out in the dream suggest that it is a quote from one of the holy books. It is even possible that my subconscious mind quoted a passage that really exists, even if my conscious mind does not remember hearing it. If it's made up, it still says a lot but the message is not clear.

It says: All sheepherders beat their sheep to death. And even the muslim sheepherders beat their sheep to death. Therefore, nobody is safe.

I'm trying to understand what it means. First I thought that it must express a prejudice against islam, but I'm not so sure about that because the general message is that nobody can be saved from those religious leaders. Islam is mentioned explicitly as one of the religions whose leaders are dangerous to the followers, but it is not only "against islam". Maybe this passage is intended to suggest that there is a time when sheep should learn to think independent.

I'm not sure what to say about the rest of the dream. There is this spiritual music, I think it emphasizes the importance of the dream. The people who pray on the hills, they express an image of a time many centuries ago when the words were written down, so they stand for the past. The text itself is a link to the future, because what is says is something that I think might happen long after those guys pray there. I also remember that the voice that spoke these words even mentioned where it was written, but I don't clearly remember... but it probably originated from my mind anyway.

I will have to think about this dream.

Zeit zum Denken

Watching Dr. House for so many hours in the last days was helpful. I had some side effects like a feeling of exhaustion, but it's normal when you don't do much besides watching tv and only getting up for cooking, or getting up for going to bed again. This week I stayed home on one day and left school early another day. So it was almost half a week that I spend in school only. But one thing leads to another and perhaps it saved me some time at the end of my life when all the stress will pay off in a bad way. It was enough stress anyway and maybe that tires me the most.

Yesterday and today I sensed some feeling of sadness, and this morning when getting ready for school I felt like crying for a short time, then lost that feeling in school when everything was alright for a while. It's when the different side of me shows, the side that doesn't have to think much, the side that just enjoys simple conversations, making fun with and of people, just enjoying life. If you know me in person then you know this side.

Coming back to Dr. House, what I appreciate about this tv series is not only the stuff that everyone mentioned he/she likes about it. The show also makes people think, one of the most promising features of a good tv show. There are many controversial decisions, people deal with right and wrong, going with rules or going against them for the sake of what's called "right". They have virtues but also give up virtues if conditions change. Dr. House deals with many personal stories, of which religion touched me the most. The way the topic was picked up was not the way I get confronted with it usually... it's not in the most hurtful way, it is the way that leaves some things open to you and shows that you are not alone with your weakness, your shame and your failure. And it underlines the ridiculousness of people trying to prove that they own the truth. I guess.

It's strange that something so artificial like a tv series, produced for the masses, is a source of information and inspiration, a source that makes me think which I don't blame for anything. It's amazing that it reminds me of things I don't like to think about, but how it reminds me is in a way that I don't feel angry about it. And this is it? The only something that is able to reach me in a good way is a tv series. Not any real life thing or person could make me think in this specific kind of way that it made me think. I guess it's what many well known writers of the past said, that it's the purpose of theater, cinema and books to change people by putting a mirror in front of them.

So why was I so depressed anyway? I feel like I've been or still am pregnant with a thought. Or to be precise, an... idea... or maybe rather a fact. Not sure how to explain. I notice something that is true in some way and I've pushed it away for so long.

My thinking worries me, it even scares me. Within only a couple of days I noticed that I overlooked something important about my feelings. And again that is something I admire about House. How he doesn't save his patients from looking at the hurtful reality. He wakes people up, and that makes me think about things too.

I'm not done with thinking yet. There are some thoughts that I brought to life already, but the chain of realization isn't finished. Let me see what I can think of right now: I realized that I cannot take as much as I thought. I realized that if I overdo it, I lost more than I would lose if I just said that I can't, can't take it. I notice that it's dangerous for me if I play the strong guy who can take so much... then I suddenly don't know what's left in me. And the latest thought is what has made me feel scared... but how do I put it into words?

Perhaps I can try to wrap it in metaphors, examples, comparisons...

Imagine you want something very much, but you know that to get it, it takes things that you clearly don't want. You are not given time to think about it, you are unable to decide because you're already in it. Remember: You want it, you don't think about it.
So what happens? You have the power of a steam engine and work your way through it, you fight against the pain while you run nakedly through bushes of thorns.
This works for a while...
Hm... the problem is, if you really run through bushes of thorns all the time, just because you want something and you accept walking through all the shit, at some point it really gets too much and you break down if there's no end to it, at least not near where you are.
So... it's just that this came to my attention. I don't go through life like an angry steam engine all the time. There are times when I see other people and their lives. I don't switch off thinking about what other people do. And even if it doesn't matter to me who they are, and I don't feel like I have anything to do with them, I still notice that there's something different.
They want things in life and I want things in life. I just don't see it that they bother to go through all the stuff that I go through. And the more I think about it, the more I notice that it's likely that I will... not always be angry enough to just fight myself through it all.

There's another thing that scares me. It's the fear of saying words that I feel like saying. More strangely, I feel afraid of saying them even if they don't mean anything to me right now. I'm afraid that I already have to deal with a lot of problems if I just say it. It's weird.

Was I stupid? One question could be no, because I was never asked to decide. So I didn't make myself guilty of getting involved in something I would sooner or later not want to do.
But then again... was I stupid not to see the steam machine problem? Did I think I would not feel weak and deeply sad one day? Just feeling the worst feelings. Even worse than anger?

Sometimes what's going on with me reminds me of AIDS or cancer. I get all the psychich phases that people who know they will die face. First I deny things, then there are phases in which I ignore things, then I get angry, then sad... and I think the last step is acceptance. But I don't know what I will accept in the end, that's the problem. With all I can do, I both win and lose. Each decision makes me win and lose different things, but it's never a perfect decision. I suppose I have to stand right before God to know which decision was right. But you know... I'm not worrying so much because since my childhood I feel like I will be punished. I was always the evil brother, always the sinner in the family. Anything I say or do will be used against me.

I'm not even sure what to wish for any more. I could wish for something to happen so I can stay true to my virtues and feel good about myself for following my principles. I would have a clean record in some way. On the other hand, I don't like giving up things I started. I can be very conservative and I like to stick to important decisions. So I don't know...

Hm... I wonder who of the people who read this understood anything. Maybe I will win the "most encrypted blog" award ahead of Ira. Wow... a small part of my easygoing personality is shining through.

Not normal

I can't wait for the holidays to begin. The best thing now would be to just do whatever I like to do all around the clock. The day would pass and I wouldn't have to think. I would just forget about everything.

I have come off the track because of worrying. And I don't do the things I used to do. Music isn't the remedy any more although I've sat down a couple of times lately just to play some notes. But I'm not that musician any more, and I don't know if I should. Not sure if anyone should hear my thoughts in a song now.

I ordered the latest Sophie Zelmani album today together with the first season of the healingly cynical Dr. House. Those two will be part of my activities in the next holidays. If I lose some more weight I could already start a sports program, but not sure if it would work. The motivation isn't so high at the moment, and the mood isn't either.

I don't need to be a pessimist to know that my stressful lifestyle, my stressful attitude will cost me many years. I already have that feeling in my chest that could some day make me call the emergency when I'm older. My heart is the organ that would need replacement the most. Second would be the blood pressure, I think my blood has been pushed through the veins very violently lately. I can get so upset that my eyes even hurt from having that tense look unconsciously. I just stare somewhere with that look and imagine all the bad things that can happen, all the grudges, all the imaginations, all the conversations I need to have with people saying that I don't want to talk about "this".

My mum watched tv today while I was still eating. There was a wintersports event at the Holmenkollen, a place I've been to in Oslo. For a second she turned on the video text and the upper line said "islamists warn Germany". I was scared for a while coz I don't want to imagine what that means... but now I think "just come here and bomb the whole place. I'm ready. Express yourself. Show us who you are. You have the right to express your religion freely". I'm curious what will happen. Will they destroy the Frankfurt stock exchange? Or maybe rather some cultural sites to hurt our sense of identity. Perhaps they will also kill a lot of Jews here. And perhaps there will be so many of them that even in smaller cities people will blow themselves up for only 10 other people on a bus. Then I would be part of the target group. I'm tired of caring about those idiots. I have too many problems of my own. Anyway, isn't it strange that I see this video text for only half a second and all I see is this? Why is it so present?

One thing is clear, if I see some guy of that sort on my bus how he just opens his trench coat with all the wires and lights on his body, screaming words about how great Allah is and so on, I would really like to get up and finish this guy before he clicks the right button. That guy would be the perfect person to let my anger out. I can't deny I would like to get pissed off by someone, it can be anyone, even a simple thief would be enough. I think too much peacefulness can be unhealthy for a stressed out person. I like to be peaceful and I've not been a violent person most of my life, but there are times when I wish I could be given a chance to let it all out. At least it gives you a good impression on a bad topic... I can even see the good side about terrorists, thieves and other people that cross my way with bad intentions.

Back to reality. I hereby announce that I'm temporarily insane. Not a surprise, I guess, after reading this. I just hope it passes. I wish I could go back to normal and live a normal life again. But maybe I'm too deep in trouble now. I am unbalanced. But at least I made a post in the month of march, so that was the good side of it again.

The cat that knocks at the window

As always, my life is dominated by thinking about it. I notice how everything inside my head changes so quickly. Rearrangements take place all the time. Things that were threatening become easy to take, things that I expected to be okay are nightmarish. Fears or bad expectations turn out to be good things, and whatever you expect, something different happens all the time. The only rule that seems to be there in my life is that I can't be happy for very long until some bad news has to spoil it all again. This is me thinking pessimistic.

Well, at least I survived up to now, and up to now I haven't lost anything that I care about. It makes me lucky although I feel cursed too, sometimes.

The novel is still nice to read, although I don't recommend it to you if you don't like vulgar language. After all it deals a lot with mundane pleasures. But there is still the idea of the dice. When I wrote about it the last time, I didn't intend to say that I would really put my life into its hands. It's just the good idea that comes along with it. The relief from stopping to plan everything. The relief of not thinking so much any more. You just follow the flow. And there's no decision that's really so important any more. Maybe this is what life would be like if humans had never been confronted with any kind of religion. Pure coincidence, living life for its own sake. Imagine all the people...

Another pleasent thing to mention is that I'm losing weight pretty well at the moment. I had been stagnating for a while although I don't eat sweets any more, but after some weeks of not losing weight despite good self control, the effects finally show. I can expect to reach my target weight within the next two weeks maybe. If that's the case, it will finally reach the mark of a 30 kilos loss between 2003 and now. Back then, I had once stepped on the weighing machine and noticed I have to do something. So I decided to lose 30 kilos... but I only reached 20 kilos less. Now I'm coming close to my ideal weight.

My cat must have gained muscles. She is knocking on the window like a madman/cat. It's her sign that she wants to be let into the house. I will, but now I'm writing this. It's annoying how she keeps on beating and beating against the window. Sometimes it's so loud that you think a person is knocking against it in anger. She must be thinking "this stupid idiot, can't he hear me with his headphones on?!". And when I let her in she really is annoyed and meows at me and I meow back, and so it goes on for a while.

Enough for today. Have a nice weekend, you people out there.

The dice decide my fate

First I wanted to write about male/female psychology again. But I can't come up with a complete post here, so I will just write some things I noticed.

One of my classmates, a girl, came to me and told me about one of her colleagues from work, someone she has fallen in love with. He had said some things to her that had given her hope that they would be together. As it turned out, this guy still had some kind of emotional relationship with his girlfriend, so it became difficult. My friend was of course angry because he had already given her the impression that he really wants to get into a new relationship.

This, dear readers, is typically male psychology. It's in the nature of a guy that he wants to keep every option open as soon as he thinks he will definitely break up with his girlfriend. So he raises hopes in the so called backups he keeps, and tries to check out whether he has a chance or not. Then, when he knows his chances, he starts to do what is most useful in his opinion. It can also include that he swears loyalty to his current girlfriend in that moment, just to make sure he won't lose her in case he makes a step back. Most important for him is that he has every chance open and won't break up with his girlfriend only to find out the other girl has been taken in the meantime.
In some cases a relationship only lasts for the reason that the unsatisfied boyfriend doesn't find a backup girl. So he prefers to stay in a relationship rather than being all alone. Must be something biological, if you ask me. The elemental fear of not being able to be with someone, to lose all possible objects of desire to rivals.

Now to something completely different. My own life is full of stress again lately. But I don't even know what to write. I get the best grades in many years, but still school stresses me. And my private life is not so easy either. And it's just because I'm unlucky enough to be cursed with a philosophical mind that likes to think rather a little too much than too less.

In all this mess, I'm reading a book at the time, called The Dice Man. I got interested in it when I found out that the song Such a shame by Talk Talk was inspired by it. So I read a couple of reviews about the book. The story is interesting, and although it's only a fictional novel, it deals with philosophical ideas of life. The protagonist is a worn-out psychologist who finds his life, including his job and his family, very boring. He doesn't find peace with Zen or the writing of his new book, so he doesn't know how to change the course of his life. One day, after playing games with friends, he sees the dice and decides to throw one of them, telling himself that he would rape his desired neighbour (and wife of his friend and colleague) if it's a one. And that's what happens. He hesitates but then obeys the die, and so it happens that his life is dictated by the dice. It becomes his philosophy of life. No more worrying, no more considering or planning, no more questions of what's right or wrong, no more responsibility to anyone. He can be a taxi driver, a dropout who goes to africa, a scientist, anything, it's all up to the dice.

This book is written over hundreds of pages and I think there's even a trilogy of the dice books. But this is the first title and since I'm rather into stuff that makes me think and not so much into stories, I'll stick to this one first and think about its ideas. I like it so far because in some way it tells you to let go of the things that only make your life worse. Sure, there are things you shouldn't do, but maybe you have to experience freedom before you know what life means to you. And when you look at yourself, you wonder why coincidence has made life so strange to you, why other people are different, and then you think what would happen if you didn't think any more but just let something else decide for you.

Although I will probably not engage in dice-tossing, I'll think about the philosophy of breaking the circle in a radical way - who knows what happens when you think different. You should think about it too.

24

Another reason to write a blog entry: My birthday.

I learned countless things when I was 23. From my colleagues at work, I learned a lot about the human nature, especially from one guy who retired from work in May, he was 60 years old. One of the people I'm glad I met.

Some times left me speechless in good and bad ways, but that's what makes life special. It was not boring being 23, and it was a big challenge all the way. I can just say the same things all over again that I said about 2006, coz there isn't a big difference between the change of the year and my birthday almost 2 weeks later. I did some things for the first time, got much wiser, it was a year full of experience. It felt good to be 23, it's still an age where you feel young but also grown up. Now I'm 24, that feels like I'm only supposed to act responsibly. Haha...

It's true anyway... I'm very different. How I changed in just 2 years is amazing. At the beginning of 2005, I hadn't even graduated from school. I hadn't been in a foreign country alone. I didn't know what it means to be in a relationship. Now I've had all of this, been to two different countries without any relatives, spent time in crazy environments. To know that I could do it feels really nice, and it's something everyone has to do to find out how it feels.

Being 24 and being in 2007 seems to be much more demanding. I can already sense it. My new school is tougher than the other school, and also not easier than my work I had. I just know I have to stay on the right track now. There is a huge responsibility but I can achieve some things. It will be up to me how I deal with school. I can make it a success and that's my goal. One goal. The other goals... I don't know yet. But I hope to achieve more things and get somewhere further than where I stand now. It has to go on.

I hope that I will get a lot of support from the people around me. Hopefully they will also understand me and not only tell me what they think is the best for me.

I should concentrate on some tasks again that I neglected a little in 2006. There has to be more time for music again, I believe. More time for sports, for losing a little weight, more time for working on self confidence. It will be a year of learning, of making improvements. No matter whether I learn things the good or the hurtful way, I'll be wiser in one year. I don't dare to be optimistic or pessimistic. I'll only be careful. Life is too unpredictable. I'll just see that I learn enough to keep up with the speed of life.

2006: Life at the crossroads

Another year has come to an end.

To sum up what happened to me in 2006 is a little difficult and it's not easy to say if it was good, bad, or so-so.
There were some months that were some of the worst, maybe not the very worst like the ones in 1999, but they were close to it. Interestingly, those were mainly february and december for me, two months that are very far away from each other on the calendar (if you look at 2006 only). In both of them the reason why life was so hard were relationship problems. But they were everything but ordinary, which makes it problematic to analyze. What I just learned, I guess, is that there are not only religious problems, they can also be connected with cultural differences and lots of misunderstandings when it comes to the mentality of people. It's never the fault of one person, it is just a fact that we need to consider carefully and try to find our way around it if we can.

Even though there were very bad things in 2006 that were worse than bad events in other, more average years, there were still experiences that made 2006 a special year, and even though I'm a little hesitant saying that 2006 was the best year ever, I can at least say that it had the best summer I ever had. The climax of this were the months july and august. They will go into my personal history book as the most amazing event ever. I must thank the person who is responsible for this (and God) that it happened. In a world of uncertainties, the only thing I can really do is be thankful for that. At least that I can say, that it was the best thing that happened to me and that I'm glad I had the chance to feel this. I've been wanting to have this all my life, and every time, on the last day of a year, I said to myself: "Not this year but maybe next year". That chain is stopped, and even though I'm not sure when or if it will ever be so good again, I appreciate that I was given this chance and I hope it showed that it made me happy. And hope that it made someone else happy too.

Now I am at the crossroads. There are different ways to go, there are new learning experiences to apply for next year, there are new plans to make while some plans might or might not be fulfilled. What I need to do is to act wisely and see what I've learned. My lesson this year was that life takes you to the limits when it really starts. And I must acknowledge that some things would not have happened if I had given up at the beginning of the year. I could have said that it's impossible... I didn't and I suppose it was right. This world changes so much and I think it would be wrong to hurry and look for safe solutions just because something looks risky for a moment. And 2006 was full of misunderstandings based on that specific kind of fear or panic.

I am a stubborn little kid. My age hides my weaknesses, but it can't stop them from making life hard. I will need to sacrifice those luxorious character traits because you only get something good when you do your best and throw everything over board that makes you think "It would be easier if... it would be safer if...". I will have to grow up too. I will even have to give up things that I liked about me so far, for example my sense of justice. This world is unfair and if I demand the whole world to change just because I don't want it to be so unfair, I won't get the things I want in life. I cannot change everything, all I need to ask for is that the people I care for understand that it's not fair, that they don't let themselves be terrorized by this, that they at least show me that they are angry too... and then we can see if we can escape from this. Do you know what I mean?

I have this superstition that the odd-numbered years are the ones that are most memorable for either the pain or the pleasure they bring. 2006 was not odd-numbered but it was one of those years. Now I wonder what 2007 will be like. When I look at what's just been happening, I feel a little scared. Perhaps it will be a year of hard work, without success being visible so soon. All I can do is fight now. Maybe it will be a year that's less dramatic, or even not special at all. We will see. I just need to calm down from 2006 because it changed life in a way that it will never be the same for me.

So what's my final judgement? It's hard to say really. To make the best of it I shall always the cherish the good times I had and learn from the bad times, and not make myself believe that I won't be angry again or anything stupid like that. Of course I will be angry too and it will be difficult, but at least I have the advantage that I can take my time for many things. I want to let the year end peacefully here. Goodbye 2006, you will not be forgotten.

Heart or mind decisions

I watched Casino Royale today and it's strange that the love-related scenes are the ones that stick to my memory the most. It feels different from before when I watch movies now. It's been like this for a while but it's also been long since my last visit to a cinema.
What a strange feeling how it touched me, and how I could identify with James. Ha-ha. On the other hand, there was a scene where a woman betrayed her husband with him, and scenes like that make me angry nowadays. Also a very weird change to my life, the way I judge all kinds of love scenes. And it also makes me realize how I feel, coz I tend to use my head a lot and not listen to my feelings very much. I can't allow myself to feel and be vulnerable because there are so many threats and dangers and I already know how it feels to be deeply hurt.

My inner decisions seem to go back and forth most of the time. At one moment, I can be very determined and get the impression that I know how I want things to be, and know how to react to each possible twist that my life can take. As if I can control it and always take logical consequences, in a cold but unhurting way (for me). It's how I know I can keep most of the pain away from myself. And then, there are times when I realize how lost I am in the way my heart feels. Then it tells me to stop worrying and go with everything that happens, and if it ever goes terribly wrong then I could at least say that I stayed strong and didn't end it on my own. The question is just how I want my life to be. I've always been trying to avoid it that I look back and say: "I was too naive". Or that I must admit that I did not think enough about the future, or that I did not realize enough, or that I did not tell others what the consequences will be. Sometimes I think if I don't shut up I make it worse, but then I also notice that, if I don't help to lead people on the right course, they will not notice what's going to happen or might happen. My intentions can still be as good as they want to be, but it doesn't help coz the only control I can have is over my own life.

I don't know how I will react to what is to come, I'm too confused right now. I don't know what will happen, neither do I know how I will act and react. It's also bad that I get this feeling (I've had it for a long time) that I won't get justice and fairness if I'm not strict in some way. People easily take advantage of me and they don't even need to know how, or maybe they think they don't but still do. It's not easy to explain, but maybe you can take the example of electric current. It always goes the way of the least resistance. So if you are in a network of humans, and I'm the one who is nicest to you, treats you the best way and offers you most of the freedom, maybe you will let me suffer from compromises you make with other people or even give in to other people to my disadvantage, just because i'm nice and not so strict and it's the easiest way for you (the least resistance). Difficult to explain. I think I also had this problem at work last school year. I tried to make things so damn right and that's how other people who are careless could make me suffer, coz I played the fool.

I'm done with thinking too much. It's just bad that there's always a next best thing to worry about. I hope things will be clear soon enough. By the way, thanks Aaron for the nice card.

Heaven and Hell (not about religion this time)

The cold that I had seems to have purged and purified me from the madness that had been in me. Suddenly everything is looking better than before. I wrote this damn spanish test and it was not so bad (and not so good either), I got that damn exam behind me, and I had two days off due to the cold.

And then came the change. I felt some good vibrations coming to me, and I could relax while I stayed at home. Then, when I came back to school today, I got a very good grade back for a group presentation. The presentations had been made in four groups consisting of four or five people each. Each of the groups had to appoint a leader, and back then, last friday, they had chosen me because I had just held another presentation right before that. And now, a week later, my group got the best grade out of the four groups, and the teacher, who hardly remembers a name at all, mentioned me and praised me. So you could say I was mentioned as the king of the best group. The king of the class. Haha. The best student of that particular lesson. What a feeling... I took it with humble pride of course...if that kind of state exists anyway.

Really strange for me because it's unexpected. I'm aware of the fact that I'm sometimes to harsh and strict with myself and that I take critisism personally and too seriously. But to go from one extreme to another like this is really unusual. Not that I would complain, but I wonder what this is all about, to feel like the worst at times and then become the best another day. On the way home I already thought "Okay, I'm allowed to feel good now, but what if I fail dramatically the next time?". Coz you see, now I have a reputation as a good presenter, though I hate presenting and I don't call it my strength. And I know I'm not spontaneous enough to always pull off a good presentation... I was lucky too. So I don't know...on the one hand I want to allow myself the feeling of pride, on the other hand I'm a little worried of being stigmatized as a "good presenter" or something like that. Perhaps heavenly success and a hell of a disappointment will come and go.

For now I feel good and I'm writing this to let you know there are good days too. Maybe the next post will be about terrible news again, it wouldn't surprise me... or well, maybe it will just be about the commercialisation of christmas.

Still not over it

I have a cold, and it's the first cold of the new winter season. Hurray.

My physical state gives me a similar feeling to the emotional state I'm in at the moment. Feeling tired all day, feeling like too much pressure is pushing on me. Maybe it's not just the cold alone, I think I can feel this feeling of being pushed into one corner again.

On tuesday I had a presentation on Marit Larsen. I was satisfied that day coz I did well, and I also accomplished the mission of making her known here, something that is in some way a goal of many Marit fans. Not my personal goal but people would like the idea. On friday I had another presentation, it was about the human resources department. After that I had to do more presenting, so it was a busy day and I was satisfied with myself... at least for one end of the day.

The weekend brought back other worries and it seems that there is never a time with too few things to worry about. I cannot motivate myself to do more than necessary for school, the sickness helps to stop doing anything, and then there is always more. My self confidence suffers from small things already, I'm really not that satisfied with life and another feeling is that everyhing is slipping away so quickly.

There are times when I wish I had a button to stop time. Every person would stand still and nothing would move or change. Then I could lose weight, write songs, do anything that needs catching up and I'd return to society as one who has left behind his personal problems. Only for a while so at least I fixed my own life before I can help other people or do things that are for more than surviving.

When I write here it's only for complaining, isn't it? Well, there are days when everything is nice, but strangely it's only single days, one day at a time, and never more. When I think of more, it gets too much. I can't afford to deal with so many things.

I know myself well. I can estimate how bad things are with me. I know that my problems are not that big, but if I get too much pressure then I can't deal with it. It has to stop... I need to sort everything out first. I can't do everything at the same time. And if it's too much then I can't do anything at all. My only aim now is to reach the winter holidays without any damage to my life, career, relationship or anything like that. No damage, just keeping things the way they are. No improvements or big innovations, just keeping it the way they are and reaching the point where I can rest from everything. It really isn't bad if people stop pushing.

My self confidence is still low, and that shows that a success over something that broke the self confidence doesn't automatically rewind and undo things. On the other hand I know that it's not that bad just if, if, if I get the time I need to fix everything. There can't be that many exams at the same time, not that many presentations. There are not that many subjects and not that many weeks until the next holidays, not that many months until it's over. It's not that long until I have time for you, any of you, all of you, one of you at a time.

I only need the security that it's okay if I deal with myself from time to time and not need to take care of everything.

Smashed to pieces

There are some things I need to let out, and I don't know how I can express it all. But I will demonstrate how I feel with this conversation I had with myself:

-"Guess what I dreamed!"
-"What?"
-"I had a nightmare that my presentation was so bad that I was told to make another presentation in two weeks exactly".
-"Wow, that's really a weird nightmare".
-"You know what's the worst part of it?"
-"What is it?"
-"It's not a dream".

The strange thing is how things went wrong. It was not that my presentation was too short, or that it didn't answer the topic. It did well and my teacher said I had lots of information in it, explained things well, kept the audience alive. But still, no matter how you turn it around, I was critizised too (my teacher: "take it in a postive way"). My presentation took almost 30 minutes, compared to the 10 minutes that it was supposed to take. I wrote things on the board (as I was supposed to, something the teacher had said before would be going to be important), but I turned my back on the audience for too long and didn't talk to them directly enough. The comments I made were liked by some people and disliked by others. I notice that I didn't convince anyone of my skills.

So much for the facts. Now comes the emotional level. How can I not feel deeply depressed now? The presentation had already caused a crisis in me before I held it. I was busy with work, I was nervous, I was frustrated about not being able to do other pieces of homework, I got the feeling that everything was going to be too much for me. I lost much of my self confidence. And now the only thing I get from presenting today is another terrible disappointment for me. Indeed, I don't have to make the same presentation again, no. And the presentation I have to make won't be as deep as the one before. But the fact that I have to present another presentation makes me feel rejected. As if I failed. Failed, failed, failed.

I did not expect this presentation to be the best thing in the world. But I was aiming high. The person who had presented before me (one week ago) had not been that good either, and I was sure that I could do better. Instead I got the ultimate punishment. I'm not mad at the teacher, I'm only disappointed at myself for losing another fight for my self confidence. My fear was that I would not have enough to mention during the presentation, instead the minutes passed and passed and before I noticed it, it was already past 25 minutes of presenting.

How do I go on from here? I feel humiliated. It's not only my personal disappointment, also that this is what I've been told to do. Another presentation. I need to stand in front of them again in two weeks, while still having homework to do in other subjects. I will -again- become nervous and feel threatened when the day of presenting comes closer. To be honest, I wish I could run away...not take part...or just die. Die because there's no other way virtually. This is not a job that I can quit and go somewhere else. No...this is a job training. If I don't succeed, I can look for another job trainig. That would take years again. And I don't want that. No!

I thought to myself "The worst thing that can happen is that I get slightly critizised". I thought, maybe it will not be the perfect presentation but at least I have it behind me then. And what happens? Something totally unexpected. To me, the one who always expects the worst. I don't have it behind me, I won't get a rest from it. And you know what? When the next presentation is over, other teachers will already come up and ask for presentations in their subjects too.

I hoped today would put an end to my depression, because that's how I felt in the last days. When there was something to smile about, I regretted that because I felt like I'm not allowed to smile. I only wanted to put this presentation to the past, concentrate on the stupid homework and breathe a little. But now I can't and I'm in serious trouble. And where is the success? Where is the success experience I needed to build up my self confidence again? I feel like a loser now, even worse than before. I won't get my self confidence back so quickly. And before you think anything useless, don't think the next presentation would give me self confidence. It won't. Even if it's the best presentation in the world, I will carry the shadow behind me of the disappointment from today. I don't want to step in front of these people again like saying "look at me, I already presented but I was too bad so here I am again".

Looks like my year is going to end in tears. I wish I could cry but I obviously didn't feel enough humiliation and disappointment yet. I can already sense the fear of new tragedies. I don't know what happens next but I don't feel good at all. On the one hand I look for help, for understanding, for being taken care of. On the other hand I feel like I need to hide from everyone and that I don't want to talk to anyone coz I would only become aggressive and say the wrong things. I'm so trapped now...I can only wait until the weekend is finally there (as if it would make me feel safe...no way).

When I came to this school, I was filled with so much hope and strength. I was surprised how easy it was for me to say something in class, to take part in the lessons, to do well. And now that's all smashed and shattered again. I see myself pulling back from discussions, I see myself being tired and exhausted, just sitting there in such an absent way. And I'm afraid because so much depends on this one year of school (I already give up going to school for longer than that).

That's how it feels now...and I don't know if you can understand. Imagine you only have one chance but things are always getting worse and you don't have the energy any more to push yourself. If you know my story of life then you know why I give up more easily.

The decay of values

Almost winter...

It snowed today for the first time this year, at least in my area. And Halloween was recently too. I know some people like the new customs that have been coming up here in europe (Desi) but I'm against it. My english teacher described it in the best way: "Halloween is how the Americans teach their children how capitalism works".

It used to be a day of remembering the dead, now it's just another commercial holiday just like valentine's day (i don't need to explain what i think about that day,do i?). The only thing I like about Halloween is the horror movies that they don't seem to show so much any more, instead it's rather family entertainment. But I do like pumpkin soup.

Speaking of tv, that's the next thing I want to complain about. It's fascinating how decadent this society is. I just watched tv, some infotainment show that's supposed to inform people about science, nature and all that stuff. And what did they show this time, between 7 and 8pm? Well... a very half-true report on the female orgasm. And no, it was not that much scientific. It was disgusting. All the time they had this camera view going through keyhole,then there was something that I would call a sex scene (not the toughest stuff but not what I would want my kids to watch either), then came something pseudo-scientific, then the next keyhole scene. My goodness, what has this world become. It was quarter past 7 in the evening.

What else can I complain about? There can be many things, I guess. Mostly it's how terribly fast everything is falling apart. The moral on tv, the german language, human values... crazy. My mum's pedicurist lately told her some horror stories too. One about a cat he had to kill because half it's body had been smashed in a car accident. The other one was more gruesome. A couple in his family had aborted a child because her husband had said he didn't want a third child, then she felt guilty and woops, now she's pregnant again. Let me recapulate: A couple has two children, they don't give the slightest shit about prevention, she becomes pregnant, gets her unborn child removed, feels guilty and then, probably on purpose, gets pregnant again to replace the child that spooks around in her mind because she killed it. I'm not one of the people who are as fundamental as to say that abortion is murder, but in some cases I just think: I'm worried about the future of this planet. If people are so free of intelligence, so free of common sense, then what must their parents have done wrong? More importantly: What's the next generation going to be like? Will most crimes become normal because there's no one who cares any more? Is everything okay then?

I'm lucky if I don't need to see that happen. I don't expect the generation after me to move away from their seats on a bus when an old man like me comes and needs a seat urgently. I don't expect them to be nice to me either. But I have to expect much more than I can imagine. One of the reasons why young people nowadays should seriously think about education before they get kids...coz the society doesn't contribute much to a good character. It's either the parents or no one at all.

I could go on and on. Some things in this world are ridiculous. Religion could be one of them, but I guess it won't help me if I think about this again. I have my opinion and I don't think that I have to be ashamed of it. And the other things... well, many people will think that I exaggerate. Maybe I do, but what I do primarily is to scetch a picture of how the world behaves...it's not totally accurate but you might realize how close it gets when you are the one who's affected.

A matter of faith

Update time again...

First let's try if this works...I mentioned a blog I would be working on, so I'll just mention the link here. Check THIS

Hm...it's a strange life. The things I'm running away from, they keep coming. I can't watch a comedy show on tv without being painfully reminded of religion. I can't search the internet for a song without another religious term showing up on the screen. And I can't seem to stop encountering people who insist on their own ideas and act as if everything was normal...as if it was not them who are individual, no, instead the entire rest of the world is wrong. Too many people are like that.

I don't even want to think about that any more, but as it seems, I can't cover my ears, close my eyes and sing a song to myself. The topic still comes back, no matter what I do. What sucks is that I only have one life to find my answers. If it was only my answers, that might be bearable. But things are so much more complicated and anything I do can drive me more into being lost and doomed.

Other questions come back too. What would have been if...if I had not been thrown off the horse (metaphorically) some years ago. Where would I be now. Maybe somewhere I would like to be. At the moment I would like to leave this house with its crazy inhabitants. I'm sick of my mum and my bro. This negativeness, this permanent nagging, this neverending pessimism, "terrible", "horrible", "gruesome". And the permanent feeling that I'm a loser. When I look at myself and my relationship towards family members, I feel like every person on earth could take advantage of me if they only wanted too...especially the ones who might mean something to me. Perhaps they all will. Who knows... I only know I'm not good at defending myself. I will always collapse to something, whether it's the dependence towards a person or the fact that I can sacrifice so much before it's too much for my humble demands.

There are these days when you look at life from a different angle. You ask yourself "Are these things happening because I'm a weak person? Do I not notice how far they can get only because I'm that way?". I wonder about many things. The things that I usually don't see as defeats, they suddenly do appear as defeats. As if everytime I said "yes" I didn't mean it, but someone takes advantage of me because I can't do without them.

I learned today that I'm ashamed of my roots in some way. Some things I got from my parents, grandparents, and so on. The way they raised these things into me, the way I was born with these character traits. Uncertainty, fear, dependence, idleness, control-freakiness...

I looked at some old pictures today of when I was younger. Some from when I was perhaps 10, some of when I was maybe 15. I always had a serious, stubborn, almost offended kind of expression in my face. On the one hand it gives me hope, because that how a rat looks that bites its way through all of life's problems, someone who rebels against the unfairness. On the other hand, I feel like I'm destined to be the unwanted, evil one who nobody understands and who doesn't understand anyone.

As long as I'm in doubts I still identify with myself...then I know that I'm still me. But it feels very hopeless to believe that I will be judged one day...all alone,without the help of anyone.

Hobby-searching

Fascinating how we wonder and think about some things, and then we find out new facts about life. I just realized it's really true that hobbies and happiness are linked. It's 8pm now and some years ago I would have made some music at that time of the day, as the last action before I went to bed. At the moment I don't feel like it any more, though I sometimes make music, but it has become a more depressed kind of making music...more as in "I need to feel good about myself so, heck, get out of my mind and into the recording program, you stupid piece of music". I need to force it out of myself. But I can't think of good songs. Nowadays school is stressful and I don't find time for a hobby any more. Music is a weekend activity and it takes a lot of time, mostly to get the feeling that you -have- time, rather than having the time itself. Then there is cooking. It used to be a hobby too. But I don't feel like I have time for looking up new recipes. Cooking is only for surviving now. Sports takes time and motivation, and can hardly be called a hobby for me.

I am empty, only made for working, or so it seems. I can't even appreciate the good things any more, and that is a bad sign. It has only been two weeks of school and I already feel very much under pressure, strangely at home and not so much during school itself. And I keep telling myself to appreciate what I have. I really keep telling myself to do it. But I can't, it just fades away and I rather play more video games, fall asleep more quickly, watch tv rather. Anything. I just keep pushing the minutes and hours further and further away from me. Not standing still.

I thought about reading a book again, but I already feel confused by having bought so many books for school. It feels like I don't have the right to read a book in private,coz instead I'm suposed to learn spanish, to read business books, to learn. How can I read a book for mere pleasure? I know I could, I know I deserve it, but I don't get the feeling that I seize my time correctly.

A hobby is an essential part of feeling balanced. The keys to happiness are fulfillment in everyday life, spiritual peace, security, health...and lots of other things I can't mention. Haha. Damn...I'm too old for this philosophying shit.

~toodles~

Is it just me or is it everyone else?

I notice how I have learned a lot of things in the last months. There used to be a black-and-white thinking. After all I still think that I can be stubborn with my views. When I think I'm right, I will insist I am right. And sometimes the only way of me changing my mind is by somehow resigning,in accepting that some things can't be changed.

I saw a documentary on tv recently,it was about women and their choice between career and children. Interesting how different it is from country to country. It made me think about my own perspective, about my opinion on education and also about kids as such. Suddenly I realized that, for example, children just scream sometimes and you can't do anything about it. I used to think that you are just a bad parent if you can't make your children stop crying on a bus or train. Or that you are just not strict enough, or just too weak. It changed now. You can't train them like dogs. I still think you need to be careful because there's still a chance of being a loser as a parent if you don't be careful.
And though I saw this documentary, I still remember not to become sentimental. I can't pretend that watching the children on tv doesn't open up my feelings. Even I can sense something when I watch them play,see them smile and laugh. But there's a bigger responsibility to it. They will grow up one day. In so many ways I keep thinking that I want to spare them going through the same things I went through. That's what I focus on everytime I ask myself if I want kids one day.

It goes for other things too,changing my opinion. I used to be idealistic but I realized that the only difference between idealism and opportunism is the chances you get offered. You can be idealistic and believe in your principles,but when suddenly you are being confronted with a new situation,you might only go with what feels best,and leave behind something else that is a great value,but only slightly less important for you. I'm beginning to understand that I'm not as good as a person as I thought I would be. I used to think that I would not do certain things for certain reasons. Now I know I would. And you know, it starts slowly. The first time you cheat at school is already the first time you follow your interests more than your values. I think that a lot of people do that,even without knowing. And to come back to the example above, it's a crime when it happens between parents and children. When parents use their children as instruments for their own wishes and views. Maybe it's even the worst thing that a person can do. I want to prevent that from happening.

It's very strange how I can feel cursed with my opinion about the world. Sometimes it feels like I would rather be anyone else,even someone stupid who is at least happy. On other times I feel blessed to be myself. As if I'm the only person in this world who can think in a free way. It's a strange,strange feeling...but nobody owns the whole truth,not even me. But an open mind is a good prerequisite.

When I talk of stupid people then I mean people with a very limited horizon. A perfect example would be the stupid farmer who only cares about his acres,believes in one god he knows from stories of his grandfather, has a wife that goes with the well known,old role model of standing in the kitchen,and everything else is just simple. You see,sometimes I feel like literally everyone in my everyday life is like that, and I'm the only person who thinks different. I hear them talk about their free time: dancing,going to a club, riding horses. I hear them talk about relationships: Trouble with the boyfriend,he doesn't call, no time this weekend. They talk about religion: Believing in some god, doesn't matter what happens, will be okay somehow. Yeah, they have vague ideas...why am I the one who thinks so much about all this then? Why is it not simple for me? Does everyone produce kids and step into and out of this world without a care?

We will never know...

M2M day

September 22nd sunday 25 after 9

This is a quote from a song by M2M. A band that didn't know when they wrote that song that they would break up on exactly that day,some years later. But let's not deal with the breakup that was exactly 4 years ago. What makes M2M day special is the memory of the band M2M and not the memory of their end (that led to them being reborn as solo artists,which had its advantages too). M2M changed my life and I think I've said that before. Sometimes I wonder how I should feel when i think of them. Should I be thankful to them? Maybe I should because they made many sweet moments possible for me. But then again, they don't even know what they did,neither did they intend it to happen. And perhaps they were just destiny's little tool to make miracles happen. Whatever the truth is,fact is it's because of them that so much happened in my life.

What some of you,the ones who know me, don't know is that I had a strong feeling about M2M from the beginning. This is not me making things up. I don't have supernatural powers and can't predict the future,like some people can, but with M2M I always had a strange feeling. I was fascinated by them and it was more than the music itself. I always had this feeling that they would somehow make a difference for me. It gives me chills to follow the traces back...back to 1999 when i found out about them. I can still see the pictures on the tv screen back at my grandpa's place. I don't think that was the first time,maybe it was even the second time. I don't know...but when their first hit single was presented their only for some seconds, I thought "It's them...they are recommending their song on tv". It's strange that I remember this so clearly. And what it brought me was hard to believe. So much happened between 1999 and now,and I want to lay it out for you to read:

1999 was the end of the worst time of my life. And strangely it was just then,after this bad time,that M2M appeared on the stage of my life. August had been the worst time ever,and then i just stopped all this and escaped to meet my grandpa and dad. Maybe it was september,maybe october 1999. Around that time "Don't say you love me" became popular around the world. But not here in germany...the fact that i even learned about M2M in the first place is already a little miracle. But the first thing they changed in my life was to inspire me with their sweet, harmonic music.

In 2000 and 2001, I had them at the back of my mind. Once in a while they appeared in my head, and after buying the Pokemon soundtrack that featured their most famous song, I decided to invest more into M2M and buy their CDs. I also spend time at Marit's board reading her diary. They kept inspiring me somehow.

2002. The breakup. It was strange how it ended so soon. Anyway, I remember that I must have bought "The big room" around that time. It was a different kind of music but after some time,i discovered the sweetness. It was also the year when i started recording songs in a studio. And M2M made it possible to arouse the dream in me of making music. It wasn't M2M's music as such,it was more the magic in it.

In 2003 I made the big step into Marit's board as I first chatted in her chatroom,then registered at the boards in early 2004. I didn't know back then that all I could ever ask for would happen there...in this digital place. I spend a lot of time in 2004 and 2005 reading, posting, checking back. And I made so many friends there. Some of them would still be there years later, and it wasn't just friendship sometimes.

2005 was a year that will always be strange history for me. First I found out that falling in love with someone from the internet can be risky and hurt a lot,though i appreciated the experience,but then,at a second attempt, it worked. And it was someone i met at Marit's board. Things started to make sense,and I understood why M2M had been so meaningful to me. Another crazy thing happened. After many months of planning, I decided to go to norway where M2M are from. My first plan was to go there, find Marit somehow with tricks and lots of not-so-nice methods, and if i didn't succeed,I'd just live with it and enjoy being in a beautiful country. Then it seemed like hope was lost,but a few days before the trip I met Marit in her chatroom. Strangely,it was only around that time that she finally got interested in visiting her chatroom. I had waited to talk to her for so long. She liked the idea of meeting me, something not every celebrity would do. So we made an appointment and met. So just for the record: I met my biggest idol. One of the things that connect me to M2M.

2006 was in some way more crazy,because now it was time to meet the love I had found at Marit's board. I did,and many of you (who reads this anyway?) know the rest. It worked. I'm not saying that the story is over here and that my life will be a fairytale. But I can only say up to now it's a story that you usually wouldn't even hear from hollywood writers. And as the tip of the iceberg, they played an M2M song when I met her,my girl. What a coincidence. But coincidence is not the word anyway.

This is the story as short as possible. I wouldn't be mad at you if you didn't believe me this all happened. I don't believe it either. But since that happened, I know that this world is not made up of coincidences,accidents,or gas clouds forming a planet out of nothingness. At least not without something going on somewhere. There are powers that we don't understand. And even though it goes much further than we know, this little band,this duo of two girls, this little tool of destiny will be my small reminder that we are not totally "alone" with our life.

I wonder what my life would have been like if I had been born in a war country. I ask myself why things are so different there. What are the miracles that happen to them? Not being hit by a bomb? Just escaping death? Is that what they call miracles? What stories do they have to tell and why are they unlucky compared to me? Questions over questions. And then it comes back to me, why is it so open...why can anything happen to anyone?

I don't believe that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. These children out there are all innocent. So why am I lucky? Where will my luck end? I could ask forever.

What's left to me is to look back. I don't need to be nostalgic,you know. There is nothing to feel sorry about for me. Yes, M2M is over but we have the result of their work here. We have friends,lovers, precious memories we can't buy for any money in the world. That's only possible in movies where you can make a virtual trip to Mars.

Good luck to you, girls. You made my life, i guess.

Not angry...

On monday a new chapter in my life starts. I can't decide whether to feel scared,hopeful or just normal. So much depends on it and I don't know if i have what it takes.

Life went up and down lately. There are moments when many things are good,and other moments when all it takes is the change of perspective and suddenly it's not so good any more. And all because of the fact that I can't protect myself with a thing called faith.

If I knew that something was clearly wrong, I could see what consequences I draw from it. If i knew it was okay completely, I could restrict all worries from me. But I don't know if it's right. I only know it means a lot to me. But can I bring that up as an argument one day? That it felt good?

Today I somehow took another step of giving up to worry because I worried all my life. I will not stop worrying completely. But I want to stop thinking about things that don't even deal with this life. The only other worry that comes up is that i could hurt other people. Special people. I want to be honest and say how I feel,just for their information. And then again, i might go too far. I don't deny it: It's sad to notice how my mind thinks...always so negative...i know.

It's not as if I didn't notice good things. I love to live life the least complicated way. I love to love and be loved. I love to not think too much. I love all these things but I'm not sure if I'm made for this...just because I can't stop asking what it's all about. I'm afraid to screw it up.

I'm okay...yes I am. It's just such a load to carry around these thoughts,enormous thoughts and feelings. I try to change the way of thinking and take everything as it comes,but i have to let the load of thoughts go somewhere...and I need them to be heard. That's the reason why they sometimes explode out of me. But that's not me being angry. Not this time...

September,month of the thinker

Hello people,

I didn't find the inspiration to really write about my time in Singapore that much. I didn't write about what it's like to think about this afterwards...let me just say that i sometimes wish i could turn back time. It used to be so uncomplicated to be there...a different life and a different feeling to it.

I thought that things would change for me after coming back. That I wouldn't have to ask certain questions any more and that some issues would rest. But I'm coming back to an old rhythm of good,normal and crisis times. And when I don't get any answers,the thinking maching in my head keeps rolling,turning,jumping and smoking. I've come to the conclusion that I'm paranoid. And again terribly afraid of some things.

Sometimes I wonder how it's even possible for people around me. I'm talking of my countrymen because I know their mentality and their sense in religion. Apart from the people that are really religious,there are two groups. Those who kept some basics of their faith and just live it in a very liberal,broad and free-of-obligations kind of way. And those who gave up all of it and refuse to believe anything at all. What I wonder about is, how do these people find together,how do they get into romantic relationships? Is their way of believing so common,so narrow and shallow, so simple that there are no conflicts with each other? Or is it that they don't deal with the topic, either accepting that everyone has to find their own way or even believing that the relationship is only for this life? When I look at myself, I get the feeling that religion is the first and most important thing that has to "fit" before anything works.

And that's hard to make happen...to make it fit. There's such a weird diversity in my thinking. One day I'm a hopeful believer and feel like i have some faith,the next day I feel doomed, another day i wonder what's true anyway and if it isn't all made up maybe...at least to some point. You know...to be like this makes you very isolated and lonely. I don't have any fellows, the only people i could call fellows in faith are like headless zombies walking on earth to find a meaning,and yet all of them are different from me coz there's no way to put all scepticals and agnostics into one drawer.

Sometimes I even envy the people with a limited mind. The farmers, the bus drivers, the old ladies that complain about the weather. The people who don't worry about the world and it's pain. Just their few square meters of living space. And I also envy those who can believe in something and don't even need to come up with explanations...just pure believing even if it may seem ridiculous and pointless. Scary to me but at the same time...fascinating. Coz I can hardly imagine what it's like to be indoctrinated so much religion. Can't imagine how strong it must be so you believe whatever you are being told...and never start doubting.

I feel strange...because I don't know of any other 23 year olds that do things like i do...walking in a circle on a field outside,just talking to myself about religion. It doesn't seem to me that I'm psychotic, and i know i can't be the only one who does that,it would be too unique. But I know that it's not very normal either. Well...it's my curse.

It happened in Oslo,it happened a year ago

Another date to remember and again it has been exactly one year. While I write this,right now, i remember that one year ago,exactly at this time of the day that it is now in norway, I sat in the lobby of my hotel waiting for Marit. It's strange and crazy. One year ago all this happened. I met my biggest idol. And how she stood there all of a sudden,it's just a fading picture but still something impressive...

And you know...I think back then I already thought about something else. And I didn't know back then that this something would be taking place one year after this...but i think i thought about this,at least at the back of my mind...even on that night,hundreds of nights away from now. Perhaps I thought that,maybe on that day in one year,i would walk around with someone who means even more to me.

And so it happened. It was a day filled with history. We went to a place where She, my special someone, also met that Marit. Weird to go to a place like that,exactly one year after meeting that person.

Now I find myself thinking about today and the future. What was yesterday is one year ago,and in one year it will be two years ago. What happened today will be history tomorrow. I wonder where I see myself in one year and how I will feel about all this...

I thought that maybe i could write down my impressions so far about being with my special someone. But something is still not settled and that's what keeps me waiting. I want to know that I don't have to worry so much...but yeah,so far so good. I really hope for mercy from heaven...coz i know it all happened for a reason and i don't want to go through crazy challenges just because it feels good and it's the best thing ever. It can still be good and i want to make it work,and not always face the best and the worst together.

Enough about talking in mysteries...it's just weird...

More than just a feeling

It's 4:30 in the morning. One hour ago I went outside because I couldn't sleep any more. I needed it,going out to my special place. A place I have been going to since years ago. It has always been the place where I thought about my life. Lots of thoughts came to life there, and when I was there I always felt that this is where I reflect over everything,and it's like a kind of diary because I let all the thoughts out there and they can come back when I'm there again.

I felt a big burden on my shoulders. And I'm not exactly sure why I had to cry two times when I was there. To some extent it has to do with the stress and anger of my everyday life. And to some point it also has to do with the worry i had since last night. But it's always about a little more than just that too. If it was only about current problems,then there would always be something to fall back on. To me, it's always about life itself...and what to believe in. I also prayed two times.

I don't know why He chose to let things go this way. Is everything going to be alright in the end anyway? Perhaps He just wants to show me that my faith and love for this relationship is strong and more than just what has to do with feelings. But then I also wonder,why does this take me somewhere new while my family and everything that has to do with my old life drags me back to where i came from? Why does this all happen? And how do I know I will be on the right track?

Many questions came up. But it wasn't about that because I knew right then and right there that I won't be given the answers. Some people say "give me a sign". Well, you can imagine that He won't make it that easy for us. Life is more complicated than that and perhaps this is one of the things we will never understand. Why we worry,suffer and fight,and suddenly,after a long journey,we notice why it was so mysterious. Then we get the answers.

It was not necessary to have any questions answered. And just because I asked questions doesn't mean that I have come back from my place in the woods to be desperate. I'm not. All I needed was to talk to Him in the most honest way there is. I mentioned my feelings and how I can't let go,but that I need certain things at the same time. And it was necessary to cry it all out like that. It may be pathetic when you imagine other people in my age who don't run around at night to cry their heart out. But it was the best thing i could do.

What is left...I've gotten rid of pressure. What felt in the way before doesn't seem to be in the way that much any more. Some things about life you can control,some you can't and some you have to leave to others you can control them for you. As long as someone who is in favor of you is in control,just stand behind this person and everything should be okay. I don't want to doubt any more. I'm ready to face whatever will come,and just because i can't predict the future doesn't mean that i can't say "I'm with you" now. Decisions are never made for good. A decision is something you make all the time. It doesn't mean that you take it back from one second to the next,that's not what it's all about. Right now I make the decision to follow this and to trust it to become good...I'll see where it takes me.

Thanks to everyone and everything that helps me carry this weight.

Please please come true

Only a couple of days until I leave for Singapore. I will stay there for 4 weeks so don't expect any updates. I come back on august 20th and no matter what happens, I will be wiser. For all of you who know what this is really about: Yes, I am nervous. There is no way of knowing what will happen,what will go right or wrong. Guarantees don't exist,but I can tell that I prepared myself (and her) for everything I could. There are obstacles that I can't see, but even that is "part of the plan". To deal with what comes and not to let anything take us by surprise. If all goes well until I go back home, there are new challenges ahead and it's not the end of the journey. Not sure what it means to you to say "Can online relationships work". I suppose what you mean is that it only takes the people involved to fall in love like a real couple. Maybe that will happen and then you know it can work. But at the same time, there are more things to know. It's much more complicated and one reason why internet relationships have a bad reputation might be that you face problems that other couples don't face. Differences in culture,religion, behaviour. Questions about the future,who will take over which part, who will carry which kind of responsibility. But you know what? It doesn't matter right now. What I know is that I'm prepared. I am a perfectionist,yet a human being. But still, I can feel it when I'm satisfied about a development. Yes,it's true: I might forget about one very important aspect. If this was a mathematical problem to be solved,then maybe it would go wrong coz i didn't calculate a certain factor of it. But it's a little different. You can't plan everything and all I did was to make sure I do enough,say enough, think enough to get this feeling...the feeling that I, the perfectionist, has done enough preparation.

In some weeks you will know more. We all will. I can sense worries and hopes equally. I'm not sure if I will read this entry again. But I know that if I read it again, I don't want to look back and think "Oh,how naive i was". I'm letting you all know that I know this is not easy. But I take the risk and i've done something like this before. Booking a trip before you know if you can achieve your dream goal. Last time it did work. This time what's on the line is more than before. But I believe it's possibile. Not because I'm naive...I don't think I am. I just believe this can happen because it happened before,only because I told myself that you can never know...you can never exclude the chance that it works. Do all the best you can do on your part,and hope that everyone else who is involved will give their best too.

One year and counting...

Tomorrow I celebrate my anniversary with my special someone. 12 months in a relationship that was different and still full of the things that are typical for a relationship.

But still it's only the beginning,coz there are things that didn't happen yet that happen in 99% of all other relationships. If you are someone who knows about this relationship,then you can guess why. Well, i think it's already a success to make such a relationship work for one year. Many relationships like these end pretty soon because it turns out there is no perspective for the couple. No plan,no idea who does what. Luckily it's different here and we knew from the beginning that we would want to reach some step within a year. We did,but we also did more because we tackled problems that would have come up later anyway. And i think we did well.

Nevertheless, I notice by the way I feel that it was time to reach "this step". There's a point when you need new energy,you just want to see where the relationship is going,so you need to find out if it's worth it. And that's not meant in a bad way,coz you know that you'll not hesitate to go on if things feel right.

Tonight I realize again how quickly a year passes. Though it was less quick than usual in my eyes. I remember the weeks and weeks of work, the seasons and how they changed,the endless waiting and praying that time may finally pass. And I'm not that much blown away that "this step" is being reached very soon. It didn't come that fast,but i'll be nervous pretty soon...but not too nervous maybe,coz it's more about finding out some things instead of getting the ultimate experience.

One thing is for sure. My special someone did a great job and i'm proud of her. If I'm just safe around her, I won't let small things get in the way. She is a good girl,a very good girl. And she's one of the reasons why i sometimes wonder why i'm so lucky. I wish she knew how good she really is for me...but I could let her know. Soon it's teddy bear-time ;)

Deeeeuuutschlaaaaand

Germany defeated Argentina in the world cup today. Luckily. It was our first win against one of the top teams in 6 years. So that made my day and we proceed to the semi-finals and even if we lose there (which i don't hope) we would have another match for 3rd place after that at least. So we will be present during almost all the world cup that takes place here,in germany.

If you're not from a country like this that loves football (or soccer,but "football" only fits to this sport literally and not to american football,coz it's not that much about feet) then you can't imagine what it was like today. I drove somewhere today and it was crazy on the streets. The cars were honking,people were screaming, waving, and we all gave these kinds of signs to each other in total happiness...stranger to stranger. Suddenly we were not ordinary people. We were one people,one country. That was impressive. It was like the kids,the old people and the average women and men were suddenly a big family. But what had been there before was 120 minutes of nerve-wrecking action and a crazy end to it. You hardly get to feel this way. As if everything depends on what happens right now...and it's only your team,nothing personal. But you feel as if it was about your life.

I think that was a good distraction for me. The last days were strange. My mood changed a lot,and what added to it was that some people at work stoked my hate for someone by pointing out how i had been taken advantage of. Weird coz i didn't think that way.
Other things occupy my mind too. But I try to not overdramatize it though sometimes it hurts a little. I would just like to sort things out with who's very important for me and not make everything worse by putting secret messages,doubts and all that into it. I just want to know "this is it,this is how i/you feel" and then i can handle it. It's only half as bad if we just...talk.

Die Welt zu Gast bei Freunden

The world cup started a few days ago. In my country. Something I need to appreciate,because the next time a world cup will be where i live,I will either have kids and be married,or I'll be dead,or who knows. I'll just watch all the matches if i can and enjoy the presence of the mexican people in my city,coz that's where the mexican team will stay when they need to prepare for the games.
A strange feeling to know everyone is watching us. Usually everybody is talking about other countries because their lifestyle is more significant (france,italy) or they are more beautiful (norway,switzerland) or have more beautiful beaches (warm countries). And germany...hm... we're only on the news when it's about political things I imagine. Or I don't know...maybe when a german sportsmen does well. I'll just enjoy being in the spotlight (as a country,not a person). I know that this will pass so quickly,like all the things that are good and somehow pass so fast. And one day you will only talk about a "world cup 2006" as history. And the hype will die away. Too bad. But who cares about Mexico 86 and Maradona any more? See. He's nothing more than a familiar face sitting on a seat during a match. A little fatter than you remember him from his games,but still alive. "Oh yeah...him...wasn't there something about him on the news the other day?". Like that. The show must go on.

The connection between suffering and luck

I think I know why I am more lucky than other people. Perhaps I'm so lucky because I can't say 'no' when I found something to go for. Maybe I'm so infatuated into my ideas and ideals of life that I go to extremes,until it totally hurts. Maybe I am so idealistic that it sometimes gets me the luckiness of the diligent,and sometimes the terrible hurt of the one who dreamed too much, who believed too much into the goodness of life.

I find myself getting back to the point when I want to throw everything away. It's one of the most scary moments when I sense this emotion, the feeling that I'm so close to giving my whole life up. Giving up,running away, hiding somewhere where no one can see me.

The price of a good life,the price of meeting wonderful and inspiring people is that it sometimes costs a lot more than an ordinary life. And sometimes it even costs my own values. Then I can decide between doing what is right,which is what would make me feel proud because I am loyal to my values,and doing what I have to do to get the chance of being happy (= being lucky?). It's a fascinating question,and for everyone who ever gets to this point where he/she has to make the choice between two things that are both right and wrong, it's something they will remember.

But sometimes I also think, if I make the choice that doesn't accord with my values, while someone else makes the opposite choice (for the own values), and it both contributes to one and the same thing...then is my choice even respectable at all?

Yes...think about it.

There is at least one thing that gives me hope. Right now. I know that whenever I had to go through humiliating moments,it later helped me to be good at something,or to achieve something. You'll never even experience half as much humiliation as I already did back in the year when I lost my faith (something that also strangely saves me now). In some way what happened back then broke me apart,and made place for something new. Maybe that is the only way that I can succeed. I have to go through bad times over and over,and when I can look into the mirror again, I finally feel glad again that I can do the things I like. But to be honest, I'm also afraid that I will one day go too far. But hey...it's alright. I got the message...I'm born to suffer. And it's okay, I get a lot of good things in return. Maybe I have to accept it,swallow it, move on. This world doesn't have any space left for people who want to fight for what's right. It's not a place for people like that. Not as long as there is black and white, east and west, and all that has to do with that. There will always be a loser. And see...Unfortunately I'm a guy. In many situations considered a boy. But when it comes to "taking it" or "dealing with it", they call me a "man". And a man has to take it. I'm the one who has to work, who will be asked to protect and feed the family. Yeah. If you think this is not the world we live in,then you are wrong. Whether it's an old, based on traditions kind of system,or the new world. It works the same way.

So yeah. I think I can identify with this. I am the man here, I'm the one who has to be strong. I have to take all the pain even if it is only by not telling bad things to other people,instead rather keeping them and suffering until I've earned myself a good life,a good wife,a ferrari, a palace. Suffer yourself to success. Sacrifice yourself to success. You know what? When I get sarcastic enough, I even start to believe it.

Falling apart

Is 23 an age when you notice how you're getting older and sick easily? I lost a filling on one tooth on the night from friday to saturday, so I have to get a dentist appointment quickly. Apart from that, my right eye is so swollen that I couldn't open it this morning without the help of my fingers. Now it's only half open and I have to see a specific doctor for that too. And then I need immunisations for my trip (not my own decision,but my mum wouldn't stop pushing me). So that makes three doctors. If I have to go to one more doc,the one after that would be included: The psychatrist.

[insert title here]

So, some people are interested to see if online relationships work. I'm curious too...

I wish I didn't have to work. The creativity has come back to me to some degree, I have several songs in mind to record. At least one of them was inspired by a dream some time ago. It was a dream that perfectly described one of my basic fears...to just watch how other people get everything,while i'm standing there...standing there and not taking part. Either as a sacrifice because they need these things more than i do,or because i'm the one who was born to lose. The title would be "Bystander". That's clear already.
Reminds me of this other dream I had long,long ago. About Marit. A miraculous dream and at the same time a song that just popped up in my head.

There are a lot of good things to mention too. But I don't know how much sense it makes to the ones who read this. I got some answers recently, a little bit of hope. Nothing too big yet,but it's nice...some signs that tell me there is a reason behind everything. Not for me to know yet, but if I'm strong enough, just if, then i'll get to understand one day.

I must go now and fill my mind with something/someone beautiful.

~Toodles

Exponential increasement of appearances of good events

Dear readers,

Why is life sometimes so perfect and all good things come together. Not that I would complain, it's just strange to me. It feels unusual because from what i'm used to it only happens once in a long time that something really good comes up,so why are there so many things going well now?

Is it because I'm in love? I don't think so. Let's look at the facts. It started getting good in 2002, when I got to record my first song. It gave me a lot of confidence,but I was still insecure,and I still am. Today for instance, I talked to the secretary at my next year's school (probably,not decided yet) and the convo went like this:

Me: And there are chances internationally,yes?
Her: Yes.
Me: Yes? Oh, that is really...that is not bad,yes...yes...hm...
Her:...
Me: Hm...yeah....what else did I want to ask.

Okay,back to things going well. The first song I recorded was finished in 2003. Back then, I also met a lot of my online friends, and many of them have become very important in my life up to a crazy point...amazing what can happen. I had a great time,and I also did quite well at school. The next thing I know is we're in 2005, I graduate, meet my biggest idol, start with a job that I like after some time, job that gives me something and makes me become a stronger person. Through all this, I know that someone loves me, and that I will get to look forward to something with her. And maybe I can say that this is what keeps me going. The motivation. And a lot of happiness. But still no explanation for why things go so well. Happiness is one thing, but things falling into place is something else. Because now I even don't get problems with finding a place to study next year. They even said I don't have to deal with math coz "there is no math". Damn. Why did all the other jobs have math in them without exceptions,and now it's the most normal thing in the world to not have math. But hey, I don't complain.
It's not only that things go well and i'm happy...I seem to radiate as much happiness as Chernobyl radiated unhealthiness. At work, I smile a lot. People say "you smile so much" and then I say "it's a beautiful day. I have to smile". Haha. That's so not me,but things change. The biggest miracle about me as a person is that i changed from a pessimist to an optimist. It was a long change and I've been an optimist with a careful attitude for very long,even longer than I am really lucky. So that means something.

Anyway. Sleep is important. People out there, remember to appreciate it when things don't get worse...that means you keep a lot that means something to you.