I notice how I have learned a lot of things in the last months. There used to be a black-and-white thinking. After all I still think that I can be stubborn with my views. When I think I'm right, I will insist I am right. And sometimes the only way of me changing my mind is by somehow resigning,in accepting that some things can't be changed.
I saw a documentary on tv recently,it was about women and their choice between career and children. Interesting how different it is from country to country. It made me think about my own perspective, about my opinion on education and also about kids as such. Suddenly I realized that, for example, children just scream sometimes and you can't do anything about it. I used to think that you are just a bad parent if you can't make your children stop crying on a bus or train. Or that you are just not strict enough, or just too weak. It changed now. You can't train them like dogs. I still think you need to be careful because there's still a chance of being a loser as a parent if you don't be careful.
And though I saw this documentary, I still remember not to become sentimental. I can't pretend that watching the children on tv doesn't open up my feelings. Even I can sense something when I watch them play,see them smile and laugh. But there's a bigger responsibility to it. They will grow up one day. In so many ways I keep thinking that I want to spare them going through the same things I went through. That's what I focus on everytime I ask myself if I want kids one day.
It goes for other things too,changing my opinion. I used to be idealistic but I realized that the only difference between idealism and opportunism is the chances you get offered. You can be idealistic and believe in your principles,but when suddenly you are being confronted with a new situation,you might only go with what feels best,and leave behind something else that is a great value,but only slightly less important for you. I'm beginning to understand that I'm not as good as a person as I thought I would be. I used to think that I would not do certain things for certain reasons. Now I know I would. And you know, it starts slowly. The first time you cheat at school is already the first time you follow your interests more than your values. I think that a lot of people do that,even without knowing. And to come back to the example above, it's a crime when it happens between parents and children. When parents use their children as instruments for their own wishes and views. Maybe it's even the worst thing that a person can do. I want to prevent that from happening.
It's very strange how I can feel cursed with my opinion about the world. Sometimes it feels like I would rather be anyone else,even someone stupid who is at least happy. On other times I feel blessed to be myself. As if I'm the only person in this world who can think in a free way. It's a strange,strange feeling...but nobody owns the whole truth,not even me. But an open mind is a good prerequisite.
When I talk of stupid people then I mean people with a very limited horizon. A perfect example would be the stupid farmer who only cares about his acres,believes in one god he knows from stories of his grandfather, has a wife that goes with the well known,old role model of standing in the kitchen,and everything else is just simple. You see,sometimes I feel like literally everyone in my everyday life is like that, and I'm the only person who thinks different. I hear them talk about their free time: dancing,going to a club, riding horses. I hear them talk about relationships: Trouble with the boyfriend,he doesn't call, no time this weekend. They talk about religion: Believing in some god, doesn't matter what happens, will be okay somehow. Yeah, they have vague ideas...why am I the one who thinks so much about all this then? Why is it not simple for me? Does everyone produce kids and step into and out of this world without a care?
We will never know...
No comments:
Post a Comment