Confusion,fear,sadness,guilt

I accept yesterday as a happy day. I won't deny it was. And i knew i would need it. What i didn't know was that i would need it so soon. Now i feel very different again.

I feel sick in some way. My mind. It's so terrible to think about the future,with all the things that could go wrong. Which job do i take,and what if it makes me feel imprisoned? What if I have to choose again,and that costs me valuable years of my life? What if I regret my decisions one day?

This is more complex than you think. You might say,what does he worry about? He can just try something and if it doesn't work,do something different. I can't do that...at least not without paying a big price somewhere else in my life. I don't have much time. I don't think i can explain it here.

My whole thinking infected and poisoned. Fear,sadness and guilt. Fear of what might come, because I can not last if some things go wrong. Sadness because i feel so helpless and misunderstood,and like this world doesn't allow me to live my life the way it would make me happy...or at least comfortable. And guilt comes because I can't do the expectations of others or myself justice.I'm sorry that i can't even be happy for two days in a row,for instance.

I want to escape out of somewhere,but there is no way out. Where am i anyway...

How do i stop worrying? It's something emotional,logical arguments don't help here. My mind is set to worrying. When one problem is solved,i worry on.

And now i see that even my posts are messy. Random thoughts. Will I go insane?

By the way,i'm too afraid to ask for professional help. I couldn't state my problem without crying. I'm even afraid that i think of "professional help" sometimes. Not again...never again,please.
Okay...now i need holidays i think...I have to go somewhere else soon. I'm more confused than anything else right now. And i don't get myself...i don't understand what my problem is. I'm just too sensitive and fragile,even for simple questions of life. I'm threatened.
I need to sleep now...maybe i will call this post exaggerated tomorrow...or stupid. But I can't deny that I want to hide from life sometimes...