This is a historic moment. I want to announce that i am officially happy today. I wasn't happy yesterday and i'm not sure if i will be happy tomorrow,but right now i am happy. Very happy.
Everything works,for a very short time literally everything works. Some things that have been working pretty well work fantastic,some things that haven't worked at all start to work again,some things that never work don't count today.
What makes the big difference today is her. She made me so happy. I got the feeling I was able to tell her some things that were important, and that she should not forget. It's easy to make yourself feel comfortable by knowing what it is that you feel. But doesn't the real delight come from realizing how another person feels about you?
It was important to say how i felt. And to hear how she feels. Sometimes it feels like she doesn't realize there's no need to worry about how things are. It's only the outside world that causes problems,but between us I feel that everything is already as good as safe. And today,it felt like it is really supposed to happen. I see her picture and i think,this is the girl i want to be with from now on until forever. I found my soulmate, the person i will always be with physically or non-physically. I always ached for that person that would be there despite season changes,wars, misery,whatever may come. Just someone who's there. The one thing that never changes. The sweetest pleasure is when I allow myself to feel this...as if it was already there,as if it was already promised that she will agree to be this special someone for me for all times. I open that door and look inside,and see what could be one day...and yet i have to close it because it's not time,and we have to open this door together,or never at all. But as i said, i'm happy. And i have hope.
Songwriting works again since yesterday. I had the melodies in my head for a while,and yesterday i didn't only play them,i also found the right chords and the theme of the song. I guess you can imagine what i feel like writing about now. If not,then read the paragraph above again.
So these are two very important things that work,and they make me feel a lot better. My job also does well,it keeps me busy and i'm routined with it. I can get tired sometimes and would like to go home earlier,but it saves me from boredom=depression. And cooking is nice too. Saturday is cooking day,and i already look forward. The more time it takes,the better it is. I want to create something tasty that causes a taste explosion in my mouth. Haha!
And somehow it's a great feeling to know you don't really need holidays urgently,but they will come in case you feel tired. I look forward to chatting and webcamming with her a lot,and then i will go to the south for some days to celebrate the beginning of a new year there. It's good that i can get away,coz too much free time at home would make the mood swing.
I just felt like i needed to say this. So the people who read this won't think i'm always depressed. And maybe i need this for myself too,because sometimes,when it gets sad,i always feel like i get back to this point over and over again. I said: The worrying never stops. But I have the chance that I will never be alone any more. If this mercy is granted,then i will already be one step ahead...and i don't have to get back to where i were,never again.
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