It happened in Oslo,it happened a year ago

Another date to remember and again it has been exactly one year. While I write this,right now, i remember that one year ago,exactly at this time of the day that it is now in norway, I sat in the lobby of my hotel waiting for Marit. It's strange and crazy. One year ago all this happened. I met my biggest idol. And how she stood there all of a sudden,it's just a fading picture but still something impressive...

And you know...I think back then I already thought about something else. And I didn't know back then that this something would be taking place one year after this...but i think i thought about this,at least at the back of my mind...even on that night,hundreds of nights away from now. Perhaps I thought that,maybe on that day in one year,i would walk around with someone who means even more to me.

And so it happened. It was a day filled with history. We went to a place where She, my special someone, also met that Marit. Weird to go to a place like that,exactly one year after meeting that person.

Now I find myself thinking about today and the future. What was yesterday is one year ago,and in one year it will be two years ago. What happened today will be history tomorrow. I wonder where I see myself in one year and how I will feel about all this...

I thought that maybe i could write down my impressions so far about being with my special someone. But something is still not settled and that's what keeps me waiting. I want to know that I don't have to worry so much...but yeah,so far so good. I really hope for mercy from heaven...coz i know it all happened for a reason and i don't want to go through crazy challenges just because it feels good and it's the best thing ever. It can still be good and i want to make it work,and not always face the best and the worst together.

Enough about talking in mysteries...it's just weird...

More than just a feeling

It's 4:30 in the morning. One hour ago I went outside because I couldn't sleep any more. I needed it,going out to my special place. A place I have been going to since years ago. It has always been the place where I thought about my life. Lots of thoughts came to life there, and when I was there I always felt that this is where I reflect over everything,and it's like a kind of diary because I let all the thoughts out there and they can come back when I'm there again.

I felt a big burden on my shoulders. And I'm not exactly sure why I had to cry two times when I was there. To some extent it has to do with the stress and anger of my everyday life. And to some point it also has to do with the worry i had since last night. But it's always about a little more than just that too. If it was only about current problems,then there would always be something to fall back on. To me, it's always about life itself...and what to believe in. I also prayed two times.

I don't know why He chose to let things go this way. Is everything going to be alright in the end anyway? Perhaps He just wants to show me that my faith and love for this relationship is strong and more than just what has to do with feelings. But then I also wonder,why does this take me somewhere new while my family and everything that has to do with my old life drags me back to where i came from? Why does this all happen? And how do I know I will be on the right track?

Many questions came up. But it wasn't about that because I knew right then and right there that I won't be given the answers. Some people say "give me a sign". Well, you can imagine that He won't make it that easy for us. Life is more complicated than that and perhaps this is one of the things we will never understand. Why we worry,suffer and fight,and suddenly,after a long journey,we notice why it was so mysterious. Then we get the answers.

It was not necessary to have any questions answered. And just because I asked questions doesn't mean that I have come back from my place in the woods to be desperate. I'm not. All I needed was to talk to Him in the most honest way there is. I mentioned my feelings and how I can't let go,but that I need certain things at the same time. And it was necessary to cry it all out like that. It may be pathetic when you imagine other people in my age who don't run around at night to cry their heart out. But it was the best thing i could do.

What is left...I've gotten rid of pressure. What felt in the way before doesn't seem to be in the way that much any more. Some things about life you can control,some you can't and some you have to leave to others you can control them for you. As long as someone who is in favor of you is in control,just stand behind this person and everything should be okay. I don't want to doubt any more. I'm ready to face whatever will come,and just because i can't predict the future doesn't mean that i can't say "I'm with you" now. Decisions are never made for good. A decision is something you make all the time. It doesn't mean that you take it back from one second to the next,that's not what it's all about. Right now I make the decision to follow this and to trust it to become good...I'll see where it takes me.

Thanks to everyone and everything that helps me carry this weight.

Please please come true

Only a couple of days until I leave for Singapore. I will stay there for 4 weeks so don't expect any updates. I come back on august 20th and no matter what happens, I will be wiser. For all of you who know what this is really about: Yes, I am nervous. There is no way of knowing what will happen,what will go right or wrong. Guarantees don't exist,but I can tell that I prepared myself (and her) for everything I could. There are obstacles that I can't see, but even that is "part of the plan". To deal with what comes and not to let anything take us by surprise. If all goes well until I go back home, there are new challenges ahead and it's not the end of the journey. Not sure what it means to you to say "Can online relationships work". I suppose what you mean is that it only takes the people involved to fall in love like a real couple. Maybe that will happen and then you know it can work. But at the same time, there are more things to know. It's much more complicated and one reason why internet relationships have a bad reputation might be that you face problems that other couples don't face. Differences in culture,religion, behaviour. Questions about the future,who will take over which part, who will carry which kind of responsibility. But you know what? It doesn't matter right now. What I know is that I'm prepared. I am a perfectionist,yet a human being. But still, I can feel it when I'm satisfied about a development. Yes,it's true: I might forget about one very important aspect. If this was a mathematical problem to be solved,then maybe it would go wrong coz i didn't calculate a certain factor of it. But it's a little different. You can't plan everything and all I did was to make sure I do enough,say enough, think enough to get this feeling...the feeling that I, the perfectionist, has done enough preparation.

In some weeks you will know more. We all will. I can sense worries and hopes equally. I'm not sure if I will read this entry again. But I know that if I read it again, I don't want to look back and think "Oh,how naive i was". I'm letting you all know that I know this is not easy. But I take the risk and i've done something like this before. Booking a trip before you know if you can achieve your dream goal. Last time it did work. This time what's on the line is more than before. But I believe it's possibile. Not because I'm naive...I don't think I am. I just believe this can happen because it happened before,only because I told myself that you can never know...you can never exclude the chance that it works. Do all the best you can do on your part,and hope that everyone else who is involved will give their best too.

One year and counting...

Tomorrow I celebrate my anniversary with my special someone. 12 months in a relationship that was different and still full of the things that are typical for a relationship.

But still it's only the beginning,coz there are things that didn't happen yet that happen in 99% of all other relationships. If you are someone who knows about this relationship,then you can guess why. Well, i think it's already a success to make such a relationship work for one year. Many relationships like these end pretty soon because it turns out there is no perspective for the couple. No plan,no idea who does what. Luckily it's different here and we knew from the beginning that we would want to reach some step within a year. We did,but we also did more because we tackled problems that would have come up later anyway. And i think we did well.

Nevertheless, I notice by the way I feel that it was time to reach "this step". There's a point when you need new energy,you just want to see where the relationship is going,so you need to find out if it's worth it. And that's not meant in a bad way,coz you know that you'll not hesitate to go on if things feel right.

Tonight I realize again how quickly a year passes. Though it was less quick than usual in my eyes. I remember the weeks and weeks of work, the seasons and how they changed,the endless waiting and praying that time may finally pass. And I'm not that much blown away that "this step" is being reached very soon. It didn't come that fast,but i'll be nervous pretty soon...but not too nervous maybe,coz it's more about finding out some things instead of getting the ultimate experience.

One thing is for sure. My special someone did a great job and i'm proud of her. If I'm just safe around her, I won't let small things get in the way. She is a good girl,a very good girl. And she's one of the reasons why i sometimes wonder why i'm so lucky. I wish she knew how good she really is for me...but I could let her know. Soon it's teddy bear-time ;)

Deeeeuuutschlaaaaand

Germany defeated Argentina in the world cup today. Luckily. It was our first win against one of the top teams in 6 years. So that made my day and we proceed to the semi-finals and even if we lose there (which i don't hope) we would have another match for 3rd place after that at least. So we will be present during almost all the world cup that takes place here,in germany.

If you're not from a country like this that loves football (or soccer,but "football" only fits to this sport literally and not to american football,coz it's not that much about feet) then you can't imagine what it was like today. I drove somewhere today and it was crazy on the streets. The cars were honking,people were screaming, waving, and we all gave these kinds of signs to each other in total happiness...stranger to stranger. Suddenly we were not ordinary people. We were one people,one country. That was impressive. It was like the kids,the old people and the average women and men were suddenly a big family. But what had been there before was 120 minutes of nerve-wrecking action and a crazy end to it. You hardly get to feel this way. As if everything depends on what happens right now...and it's only your team,nothing personal. But you feel as if it was about your life.

I think that was a good distraction for me. The last days were strange. My mood changed a lot,and what added to it was that some people at work stoked my hate for someone by pointing out how i had been taken advantage of. Weird coz i didn't think that way.
Other things occupy my mind too. But I try to not overdramatize it though sometimes it hurts a little. I would just like to sort things out with who's very important for me and not make everything worse by putting secret messages,doubts and all that into it. I just want to know "this is it,this is how i/you feel" and then i can handle it. It's only half as bad if we just...talk.

Die Welt zu Gast bei Freunden

The world cup started a few days ago. In my country. Something I need to appreciate,because the next time a world cup will be where i live,I will either have kids and be married,or I'll be dead,or who knows. I'll just watch all the matches if i can and enjoy the presence of the mexican people in my city,coz that's where the mexican team will stay when they need to prepare for the games.
A strange feeling to know everyone is watching us. Usually everybody is talking about other countries because their lifestyle is more significant (france,italy) or they are more beautiful (norway,switzerland) or have more beautiful beaches (warm countries). And germany...hm... we're only on the news when it's about political things I imagine. Or I don't know...maybe when a german sportsmen does well. I'll just enjoy being in the spotlight (as a country,not a person). I know that this will pass so quickly,like all the things that are good and somehow pass so fast. And one day you will only talk about a "world cup 2006" as history. And the hype will die away. Too bad. But who cares about Mexico 86 and Maradona any more? See. He's nothing more than a familiar face sitting on a seat during a match. A little fatter than you remember him from his games,but still alive. "Oh yeah...him...wasn't there something about him on the news the other day?". Like that. The show must go on.

The connection between suffering and luck

I think I know why I am more lucky than other people. Perhaps I'm so lucky because I can't say 'no' when I found something to go for. Maybe I'm so infatuated into my ideas and ideals of life that I go to extremes,until it totally hurts. Maybe I am so idealistic that it sometimes gets me the luckiness of the diligent,and sometimes the terrible hurt of the one who dreamed too much, who believed too much into the goodness of life.

I find myself getting back to the point when I want to throw everything away. It's one of the most scary moments when I sense this emotion, the feeling that I'm so close to giving my whole life up. Giving up,running away, hiding somewhere where no one can see me.

The price of a good life,the price of meeting wonderful and inspiring people is that it sometimes costs a lot more than an ordinary life. And sometimes it even costs my own values. Then I can decide between doing what is right,which is what would make me feel proud because I am loyal to my values,and doing what I have to do to get the chance of being happy (= being lucky?). It's a fascinating question,and for everyone who ever gets to this point where he/she has to make the choice between two things that are both right and wrong, it's something they will remember.

But sometimes I also think, if I make the choice that doesn't accord with my values, while someone else makes the opposite choice (for the own values), and it both contributes to one and the same thing...then is my choice even respectable at all?

Yes...think about it.

There is at least one thing that gives me hope. Right now. I know that whenever I had to go through humiliating moments,it later helped me to be good at something,or to achieve something. You'll never even experience half as much humiliation as I already did back in the year when I lost my faith (something that also strangely saves me now). In some way what happened back then broke me apart,and made place for something new. Maybe that is the only way that I can succeed. I have to go through bad times over and over,and when I can look into the mirror again, I finally feel glad again that I can do the things I like. But to be honest, I'm also afraid that I will one day go too far. But hey...it's alright. I got the message...I'm born to suffer. And it's okay, I get a lot of good things in return. Maybe I have to accept it,swallow it, move on. This world doesn't have any space left for people who want to fight for what's right. It's not a place for people like that. Not as long as there is black and white, east and west, and all that has to do with that. There will always be a loser. And see...Unfortunately I'm a guy. In many situations considered a boy. But when it comes to "taking it" or "dealing with it", they call me a "man". And a man has to take it. I'm the one who has to work, who will be asked to protect and feed the family. Yeah. If you think this is not the world we live in,then you are wrong. Whether it's an old, based on traditions kind of system,or the new world. It works the same way.

So yeah. I think I can identify with this. I am the man here, I'm the one who has to be strong. I have to take all the pain even if it is only by not telling bad things to other people,instead rather keeping them and suffering until I've earned myself a good life,a good wife,a ferrari, a palace. Suffer yourself to success. Sacrifice yourself to success. You know what? When I get sarcastic enough, I even start to believe it.

Falling apart

Is 23 an age when you notice how you're getting older and sick easily? I lost a filling on one tooth on the night from friday to saturday, so I have to get a dentist appointment quickly. Apart from that, my right eye is so swollen that I couldn't open it this morning without the help of my fingers. Now it's only half open and I have to see a specific doctor for that too. And then I need immunisations for my trip (not my own decision,but my mum wouldn't stop pushing me). So that makes three doctors. If I have to go to one more doc,the one after that would be included: The psychatrist.

[insert title here]

So, some people are interested to see if online relationships work. I'm curious too...

I wish I didn't have to work. The creativity has come back to me to some degree, I have several songs in mind to record. At least one of them was inspired by a dream some time ago. It was a dream that perfectly described one of my basic fears...to just watch how other people get everything,while i'm standing there...standing there and not taking part. Either as a sacrifice because they need these things more than i do,or because i'm the one who was born to lose. The title would be "Bystander". That's clear already.
Reminds me of this other dream I had long,long ago. About Marit. A miraculous dream and at the same time a song that just popped up in my head.

There are a lot of good things to mention too. But I don't know how much sense it makes to the ones who read this. I got some answers recently, a little bit of hope. Nothing too big yet,but it's nice...some signs that tell me there is a reason behind everything. Not for me to know yet, but if I'm strong enough, just if, then i'll get to understand one day.

I must go now and fill my mind with something/someone beautiful.

~Toodles

Exponential increasement of appearances of good events

Dear readers,

Why is life sometimes so perfect and all good things come together. Not that I would complain, it's just strange to me. It feels unusual because from what i'm used to it only happens once in a long time that something really good comes up,so why are there so many things going well now?

Is it because I'm in love? I don't think so. Let's look at the facts. It started getting good in 2002, when I got to record my first song. It gave me a lot of confidence,but I was still insecure,and I still am. Today for instance, I talked to the secretary at my next year's school (probably,not decided yet) and the convo went like this:

Me: And there are chances internationally,yes?
Her: Yes.
Me: Yes? Oh, that is really...that is not bad,yes...yes...hm...
Her:...
Me: Hm...yeah....what else did I want to ask.

Okay,back to things going well. The first song I recorded was finished in 2003. Back then, I also met a lot of my online friends, and many of them have become very important in my life up to a crazy point...amazing what can happen. I had a great time,and I also did quite well at school. The next thing I know is we're in 2005, I graduate, meet my biggest idol, start with a job that I like after some time, job that gives me something and makes me become a stronger person. Through all this, I know that someone loves me, and that I will get to look forward to something with her. And maybe I can say that this is what keeps me going. The motivation. And a lot of happiness. But still no explanation for why things go so well. Happiness is one thing, but things falling into place is something else. Because now I even don't get problems with finding a place to study next year. They even said I don't have to deal with math coz "there is no math". Damn. Why did all the other jobs have math in them without exceptions,and now it's the most normal thing in the world to not have math. But hey, I don't complain.
It's not only that things go well and i'm happy...I seem to radiate as much happiness as Chernobyl radiated unhealthiness. At work, I smile a lot. People say "you smile so much" and then I say "it's a beautiful day. I have to smile". Haha. That's so not me,but things change. The biggest miracle about me as a person is that i changed from a pessimist to an optimist. It was a long change and I've been an optimist with a careful attitude for very long,even longer than I am really lucky. So that means something.

Anyway. Sleep is important. People out there, remember to appreciate it when things don't get worse...that means you keep a lot that means something to you.

It's spring

Last night I went out jogging again. I'm into sports now a little more than before. What's really nice is that your body asks for it once you got used to it. When you've eaten something it can happen that it tells you that you're so full of energy you have to do something with it.

A nice side effect, I get to appreciate life. I only go out for jogging at night,when nobody is there, no one who could make me feel stupid. Yes,it's bad for you guys who are not suffering from social fears. But on the other hand,how often do you get to be alone and enjoy the stars? Last night it was beautiful. Not just stars and a dark sky. Also clouds. Clearly visible though it was dark,and they moved through the air. It has something heavy, almost threatening to it. Something overwhelming. That's the word.
I didn't jog a lot then. I felt kinda watched, so I wanted to get home and i had to sleep soon too. On the way home I saw something on the ground, in the light of a street lamp. I jogged past it,thinking it was a piece of dog shit only. But then it moved and I got scared to death. It was just a big frog. Oh oh...two frogs. What a vulgar way of nature to remind me of love. Haha.

Everything else is good at the moment. I feel balanced. Work might get boring and exhausting again because there won't be holidays until july. Only a few days off here and there. But at the beginning of july it will be nice to go to the north sea again,and that's just the first taste of it.

Easter again?!

Another 2 weeks have passed since my last entry. Only 100 days until i arrive in Singapore. If it goes as fast as this for the rest of my life then I will be 30 tomorrow.

I have to ask myself what's going on. I carry something with me and I don't even know what it is. So far I avoided Easter as much as possible. It doesn't really bring up the nicest associations. Not only in a personal way,coz one year ago I went through a hard time. But also in general. Easter, the time when the church reminds everyone of the sin. Unnecessary for someone who feels like a murderer,haha. This is it again...feeling guilty for nothing specific. Just the way I don't seem to find the answers to my questions. I wasn't raised like everyone. Can't remember it but it must have been the way that they always told me things like this: "there is this beautiful place called heaven,everything is made of gold. But it's so easy to fall for the evil and if you do that then you'll be punished". The second part is what was stronger. Fear took over. I could never identify with those who said "salvation is ours already because we believe". It never made sense that salvation was already for sure. Who in this world owns the truth?

Who says what's necessary anyway? Well, at least I have come far enough to believe that life is not a weird accumulation of coincidences. Not after what happened in the last years. But that doesn't mean that I get the feeling I can have faith. I sense betrayal behind my back. Maybe not literally. I just don't trust a situation that feels good i guess. Can't rely on anything that's just perfect the way it is. There has to be a lesson behind every corner. Something tells me if i don't make sure then I'll run into the next failure and wonder why i didn't prevent it.

On my spiritual and religious quest i have left all the known paths. There is nobody i know who could completely relate to it. My past is one thing,and the people who were there can't help me because what they believe is not what I believe in any more. But then again,they are the only ones who really understand my background. But as I said,they can't reach me. And anyone who would be in my range cannot relate to me because they don't have that past i had.

Why do I post this here. I'm afraid of being misunderstood anyway...

Second post of the month

Sorry for not updating. Did I lose all my readers?

March is over. It was supposed to be the month of organizing,the month after which a lot more things are clear. The basic things are clear now,not all but what matters is clear. Only death or disease can keep me from going to my destination this summer. A holiday of 4 weeks in a country far,far away. A country unknown to some people. Like one of my colleagues says "Have fun in Sri Lanka". I told her my vacation will be this summer and not during easter. Well,and after guessing Shanghai and other places starting with "S", i'm wondering what will be next. Simbabwe? Senegal? Slovenia? Well,the second letter is an "i".

It was an interesting month. Also one of the longest months when it comes to working. 23 work days i think. From now on it will be different. I will only have 8 regular work days in april. 5 days of seminar. And the rest is holidays. Ahh...wonderful. The last holidays until the most important holidays of my life. Sorry, Marit ;)

And now it's also spring time. Not bad actually. I want to enjoy the mild breeze outside,and be happy that there are no wasps or other annoying creatures out there yet. Strange how I see myself enjoying the season. Probably it's the case because I'm thankful in general. I could even be thankful that I live in the 21st century,that there are toilets, that there is a tv. Haha. Wow. But in the first place I'm grateful for what I call "the gift of love". I'm very lucky. And I really didn't think I would be able to find someone who understands me and has enough patience to tolerate me. But miracles happen and I'm going to give back what i get. I could go on for a while, but it's not easy to understand anyway. This whole story isn't even believable for me. It's just out of this earth. I won't ever get how it got this far,and how all these little coincidences made it happen.

April is supposed to be a good month. I want to make it a good one. But now I have to go to bed and cuddle with the blanket. *sighs*

Coming close to the ides of march

It's the middle of march already. Strange how fast everything goes. Yesterday was october....always remember october...
I'm in this strange situation where everything seems to work. The warning signs always go up when that happens. Like the silence before the storm. But I have faith in the things that happen right now. At the moment I book my journey for this summer,and everything looks good so far. I don't want to suspect anything bad,the people at the travel agency know what they're doing and i know what i want. The last months showed that from one day to the next,a lot of information can fall down on someone. It changes a lot of things. Somehow I just want to get everything ready for now and then i can't make a move back. There is some kind of risk,but i wouldn't call it risk. It's more like half a commitment,half a sacrifice. A chance to make something work,with money,time,investing feelings and lots of other things. If I get it all back the way i wish it would,then it's worth it. And i think that it can happen...it's not too much asked and i'm not naive. But of course i do expect something and I'm never quite sure if expecting something from someone else is always right. Life taught me to not leave things to other people,or at least to keep feelings or expectations low until i know i can dive into it with all the trust and faith needed. In this case, it's already too late to hold anything back. Can I ask for this to work or would it be foolish? Was I good enough or will I be punished for bad things i did? Can I just close my eyes and run into this no matter how i feel about it and just wish and pray it will go well? Not sure what the right attitude is,but it's like it doesn't make a difference whether i go about it and say "it's already clear,i'm the king of the world and i will get it all" or if i say "i'm so doubtful i don't know what will happen". Whatever i do,i know that i'm depending on this in the same way. This venture will change my life. To those of you who don't know what I'm talking about,you will know about it this summer... and it will leave its traces in my life forever.

Sounds like a good way to end this entry. But i need to add some things. I'm working on another blog project and i'll mention it soon. The other thing is,I highly recommend Marit's new album. Marit Larsen- Under the surface. So far only available in norway or online via credit card,but she's a great musician and if you don't agree then...then you just don't know her well enough. Haha.

'Rivalry' or 'Being a #2'

I'm fed up with work at the moment. My job sucks. It used to be okay or even good for several months,and I've been there for 6 months,but now it starts to get unpleasent. I'm annoyed by it, and some things in the past weeks have made it more and more difficult so one thing led to another. It has to do with some people at work. As you might know I work at a school for disabled people. The one who I "hate" the most is the mother of the most severly disabled kid in class, who suffers from trisomy 13. She always needs to have everything done correctly, and the slightest mistakes will come back to the person who did it. But it's not possible to make everything right,especially when she asks for so many little things. And on some days,it does not only have to be done right,but quickly too. The next time she will make me angry I will scream.

Then there are the students themselves. When I started to work with them, I was motivated and had my own visions of working with them. Improving them, encouraging them, making them better. But this idea crumbled and now i've become someone who doesn't see much more in them than hopeless cases,and that's also because of the way they treat me. It's sad that they are only trying to cause trouble and make stupid jokes.

There is also my colleague. He started to work in my class some months later than me. It's strange how our working relationship developed. On the day he started, I was away in another class as a substitute. When I was back on the next day,he knew everyone's name and had an easy and undifficult relationship with every student,getting along well with them. He turned out to be the socially skilled one. He always found the right words,knew how to motivate the students and to treat them as if he was one of them,also fooling around. Only a few weeks later I had to realize that he had overtaken me completely. He was the better one. From then on I was the number 2, and somehow I had nothing to say,and not so much respect from the students. What I hate the most is that they call me by his name, me,the one who was there like 2 months before him. I have to tell them I'm not him,and then they remember to call me by my own name. Not very motivating.

This colleague has a behaviour that is very different from mine. He is very relaxed,doesn't take anything seriously,likes to fool around with others until it gets too much and still doesn't stop,he always complains when he's bored. I often have to remind him to do things or he will forget them,or just do them too slowly or take too much time. "Did you measure the blood sugar? Did you give him water? Did you write that down? When will you do this? Can you help me? Hello, now! Could you please stop fooling around and help me here?". This severely disabled person is the one we have to take care of the most. I'm always after it and trying to do things as soon as possible,according to the time schedule. But my colleague doesn't care so much,and he only does what's necessary. It stresses me coz I don't like it when someone doesn't seem to work sincerely.

Then there are moments when this guy acts like he knew the whole truth. He blames me for things that he does all the time. And makes me look like I'm careless. I'm so angry because of how he turns around everything. And you know what? He even earns more money than me,just because of bureaucracy reasons. I'm the one who puts in the most effort,who's most routined,who works professionally. But it's like he gets rewarded for being so "chilled" and "relaxed". So this is how it feels to be the number two,to be the older one who's outrun by a younger,better team mate. To be the one who was there first,who puts in most of the professionality but who has to share it with the one who makes the best impression on everyone,who gets along with everyone better. You can call me envious..tell me how i'm supposed to feel. Maybe someone who has younger siblings can understand how I feel, but only to some extend. I'm glad he's not my brother...haha. Man,I just want to get the next 6 months behind me so i can go somewhere else.

New born song

No one should say only women know what it's like to create life. It's the same with songwriting and recording. Tonight I finished recording a song. The first one with the new program and the first one at home in more than half a year. Another baby is born,haha.
I realize how much it was missing, the chance to write and record songs like this. It doesn't heal everything, and when I feel worst, it doesn't save me or hug me and tell me it's alright. No... but at least it helps to make a day better that was bad at some point and good at some other point. It was already turned into an enjoyable day when I talked to someone special for the second time today.
I guess what's really important in life is not to give up at what's really important...even if that is only one big and wonderful thing. It doesn't have to be a philosophy for all things in like, as for stupid jobs,annoying people or useless "this is the world we live in" things. But if there is one thing that would be worth all the trouble,then maybe one should concentrate on it,and make everything that is needed to make it happen. And not give a damn about what the others say. And maybe...it takes two.

Marit Larsen Syndrome and the 6 months phenomenon

Exactly 6 months ago I met Marit Larsen, the famous norwegian singer, songwriter and guitar player. We met in a cafe in Oslo,and until today it has been the best day of my life. Whenever I think about what happened that day,i have to shake my head and grin like an idiot. It feels unreal. As if it was just a dream. But then i know it happened,and i say things like "shit...damn...it DID happen!".
When something gets so overwhelming that we are unable to accept it in our minds, then this is the Marit Larsen Syndrome. I think i'll call it like that from now on. In this case it's even a good thing,a good trauma. Not sure if any of you readers can understand it. It's like one thing you always considered as "a dream" or "totally unreal and impossible" has become true. Maybe people who suddenly become famous and never believed in it,or people who find true love and never thought that would happen, can understand this.

Then there's the 6 months phenomenon. It could be the same with 1 year or 10 years. At the moment some things are 6 months back in the past,or in the future,and i keep wondering why it can pass by so quickly. Not long ago my relationship with my sweetheart was 6 months old. Today the Marit meeting is 6 months back. Soon I will have spent 6 months at my current job,which makes it half way finished. Then there's things that I look forward to. A journey,a meeting, something that will hopefully take place in 6 months too. And after that I will start with a new job,training or go to some school. And the worldcup here in germany isn't even 6 months ahead in the future i think...strange coz that was also one of the things that are so far away in the future. 2006 sounds more like a science fiction novel title to me than our current year.

Apart from this I try to keep the balance between hopes and realism. I guess it's very risky and dangerous to focus all my heart and soul on one thing that gives me pleasure,but on the other hand it's my way of showing that I want to make it work.

Female psychology

I'm in a good mood today but i still feel like writing about something kinda...bad. It's something that scares guys about girls. It lies in the nature of girls to be prone to over-expectation. Here is an example taken from an imaginary diary.

Dear Diary,

I saw Brad Pitt on tv today. Oh my goooood,he's sooo cute. I just wish I will marry him. Who knows,maybe one day it will happen.
My dream guy will be like him,no matter what. I don't accept anyone who doesn't look as cute and well dressed as him. I see my dream guy in front of me already. A knight with shining armor,my hero,the one who saves me and protects me from all the trouble there is. He will look down into my eyes and tell me that everything is alright.

My first kiss will be the best thing there has ever been. It has to be perfect,if it isn't that I will drop him immediately. A kiss,especially the first kiss,HAS to be perfect. A guy knows that. And of course a guy knows how to do that,even if he hasn't done it before. He just knows what a girl wants and needs. My perfect boy knows what women want. So the first kiss will be so wonderful and unforgettable,because he knows how it works and he will do it right.

And later,when we are married,he will get up one hour early every day,to prepare breakfast for me. Then he will bring it to my bed while I still sleep. And since I still sleep,he will wait until I wake up. Then he will watch me eat everything and say "you're beautiful". Of course,as a gentleman,he will clean the dish afterwards and then go to work. Okay,he might be a little late but i'm sure he will explain to his boss what he did and his boss will be so pleased to hear how he loves me that he will offer my guy a better paid position.

Oh yes,my boyfriend! Where is he? When will he find me? All i know is, I can only wait. This is what a girl has to do. It's the boy who has to make the first move,always! And it's not like I demand so much. I want a sensitive guy who cares about feeling. But he must not be gay! Yes,a sensitive one...but at the same time a real man with muscles and someone who knows how to please a woman! But a sensitive guy...but not a lame loser like this dude who said he liked me...yeah sure,i accidentally told him i like guys who show feelings and are a little soft,but him?! God please!!!
So...where was I? Oh right,my dream guy. Sensitive,strong,a real man... He must be out there somewhere. All the other girls always end up with bastards that treat them bad. No idea why * but at least i know Mr Perfect is somewhere out there still.
*sighs* Now I should go to bed and dream of him. My hero,my knight,my warrior.

* The reason: He's that strong guy who's perfect on the outside but doesn't have what would be best for the girl. One of the fatal thinking mistakes of girls.

My comment: This is not how all girls think. It's just what might be hidden in many girls. If you are a girl and ever find yourself thinking like that,be careful. You might either be disappointed, get the wrong guy one day or break hearts.
If you don't identify with this girl and think that your way of thinking is very different,then you are very grown up and mature. Congrats.

Waiting for the turning point

I have a theory that at some point in life there's a big change. It's a point from when things get much clearer and you know where you're at. I believe it has to do with love,the job you go for, religion and the social status. Perhaps other things too,like dreams that you want to fulfill for yourself.

I'm close to this point. There's a lot of tension at the moment because nothing is clear. The job search costs me a lot of nerves,and every job has a big catch. Often there are unfair circumstances that make it hard or even impossible to go for certain jobs. But I see some options and sooner or later i will have to go for one of them.
Then there's the love aspect. Something is in reach,and it's interesting too. Nothing is for certain,all i know is that there is a chance it may work. If it does,then i expect this to be permanent and a turning point in my life. I believe in it, and she does too. Of all the aspects about life this is the one that makes me most happy.
Religion will always be some kind of struggle for me. The questions don't stop,but i also know that being happy makes me think of other things...and i might be able to accept life as it is and believe in the what is good...whatever that means.
The social part of life is okay for me. There are some ppl that mean something to me,but not many. My attention is focused on two people at the moment,one of them is myself (well,the center of everyone's life). It's probable that this is the reason why i'm not so concerned about my few friends.

It's important for me to be able to earn money. If possible in 3 years and not later. I'm not crazy about finding my dream job,it's enough if i feel good at what i do,and i hope i can manage to get something i feel comfortable with.
Love is always important and it's different for every person. When you are used to dreaming about it only,it means much more when you suddenly encounter it. I let it happen that it makes me happy.

These two things are about to come into shape in the next months. At the end of this year,i will be wiser. I'm already curious what life will look like for me. I don't want to claim that the worrying ever stops for ppl like me...but i hope that i get to this point i've been wanting to pass for some years. I used to tell my parents "you have a good life because you don't need to worry about finding the right job. You don't have to do maths,you just go to work everywhere and you can do something you like,and don't have to be prepared for bad situations like i have to".

What I mean to say is, it feels right to become independent now...slowly. I always thought i would hide from this but now the circumstances force me to,but at the same time i want to get further now because it might lead me to a good life.

And once again i feel like i talked a lot of shit. Well,no need to worry,it's a blog.

Older

Since january 12th I'm 23 years old. Maybe it's the right time to act a little bit more like an adult person. I may be young still,but i'm not that young either. There are people in my age that have their own family with kids. They earn their own money,live on their own,they are in charge of things that take responsibility.
One of the difficult things about being grown up or wanting to be is that you can't rely on others any more. You can't turn your head,look up into your mother's face and wait until she shows you with a gesture of moving hands and a nodding head that it's okay to take the next step. You have to look in front of yourself, clench your fists and move forward.
What's also difficult is to escape the old patterns. What used to be a protection procedure now stands in the way. For example: Doubts and worries. Isn't it a good way of handling things? You keep telling yourself "it could go wrong" or "what if..." and then,if something goes wrong,you already have the comfort of knowing you saw it coming. But it can't go on like this forever. Maybe the art of being adult is to face the future with dignity. It doesn't matter wether you stand up and fight after something went wrong or wether you commit suicide* , at least you take the first step of being an adult and don't worry as much. A grown up person has the power to decide the course of events after something has happened.

There are many things I still have to learn. I can't hide behind my thinking patterns any more. It doesn't have to go wrong. It might turn out just fine. I have to trust myself that, whatever happens, I'll make the right decision when the outcome is clear. A decision that serves as a consequence, that shows how much it means,will mean,or meant to me. I just need a little time to grow up...

*This does not mean that the author suggests suicide as a solution of problems or thinks that suicide equals the effort of fighting.